It wasn't worth it,
everything we went through just to be together,
those Four Months of Hell.
Your previous lovers, your precious ogling fangirls, our difficult, busy schedules.
All those obstacles and yet we still tried.
For what?
For this?
This ****** excuse of a relationship?
I'm sorry for the brutal honesty,
but honestly? I'm glad we're through.
'Cause me and you might work on paper,
but reality's a different story.

"To exist in this world one must know pain.
Because to exist is to suffer."

Your brown eyes were always so colorful
Your lips so warm on my skin
Your arms so strong holding all my breaking pieces together

But the colors in your eyes paint a ****** image
The words coming out of your lips were knives that made me bleed
And those strong arms of yours no longer kept me together, but tore me apart.

long black curls cascade down my back
******* eyes with no humanity

mature for my age you called me
said, it's like i understand much more than i should

but if you were me and i were you
you'd understand all this stuff too

all these broken things surround me
our broken relationship
these ripped papers
the pencils that i snapped in half
that ugly drawing i drew

the pictures on the wall mock me,
your eyes penetrate my soul
they capture a much simpler moment, in a much simpler time of our lives.

I knew I couldn't trust you from the start

I knew that you would capture me and never let my poor little heart escape your grip

I should have known better than to let you in

I should have realized you would just walk away.

shamed for showing too much
shamed for not showing enough
over ****** warrants being called a ****
not ****** enough and I’m called a *****
so what am I supposed to do?
never leave the comfort of my judgement free home?
oh wait, that’s not true
mainstream media bashing the idea of individuality
sure they say they support it
but if they really did
would we, constantly, see the same features, plastered on magazines?
trends change quickly
and my body sure as heck can’t keep up
that’s okay though,
I was never one to conform to the societal standard
the thick thighs, “fat ***”, skinny waist, and *******
that I’m supposed to have,
but am supposed to cover up?
I’m sorry but if I had been “blessed” with those physical attributes
I would not be so eager to cover them up
and is “blessed” even the right word to describe
what so many women have come to despise?
large chests that cause back pains,
the unwanted attention and ****** comments?
maybe they aren’t so blessed,
but are rather cursed
that in a society like ours
we are taught to hate ourselves no matter what
instead of embracing the unique beauty that we are gifted
rather than celebrate the intricate details of our souls
and the crazy two A.M. thoughts that run through our minds
the stunning stream of consciousness that separates us from the rest
but unfortunately,
we have assimilated into one
bland society,
where variety is shunned
and everyone is the same

Some days
It's as if I can't process emotion.
My heart is dying of starvation

Other days**
It's as if I can't stop feeling everything.
It's as if I'm full but can't stop eating.

And I have no idea what I'll do if this carries on

When will the tide come in?
     When will it wash away the footprints you left in the sand?
When will the rain pour?
     When will it shower and clean the tracks you left in the street?
When will the wind pick up?
     *When will the breeze sweep away your scent from the house?

The first time you asked me if I trusted you, I said "yes"
The second time you asked, I said "it depends"
But when the third time came around I answered with a "no"
Because after all this time, how could I trust someone who lies, and omits, and only speaks with half-truths?
Someone who hides their feelings deep inside never to be revealed?
It's not that I don't want to trust you, but you don't trust me
And I can't risk another one of your betrayals, because it would **** me

Unexpectedly,
she fell
one moment she was fine,
enjoying life
and the next she wasn't

Innocently, she believed that past mistakes wouldn't be repeated
she forgave those who betrayed her without hesitation
and her eyes were lively and playful

She was naive
and that is why she fell
history repeated itself
and so did her past mistakes,
those who had wronged her before, wronged her again
and her eyes were no longer lively and playful
they were guarded and careful

I don't know how to explain this feeling
If you can even call it that
It's more like how to describe someone devoid of feeling
I lack the capacity to demonstrate emotion

But then does that mean that when I cry it is just for show?
Or is it that my body reacts externally but not internally?

I guess it's difficult to explain something you've never had.

Negatives and Positives
they cancel each other out
We're at zero now
Tied on the scoreboard

Sleep deprived
and hollow on the inside
Bags under my eyes,
I was searching for something

Remember that summer night on the roof?
Smoking *** and singing RnB
That's the only place I wanted to be
cool thanks to that summer breeze

But that summer breeze turned into a winter storm
and it tore me away from our special place
on the timeline

broken hearts and broken mirrors
hanging on the wall
falling stars and rising angels
coming to demolish them all
all the dreams and promises
made to us
by all those loved
every time i see you
i can’t bear the weight
your eyes were my fatal medicine
they cured all the pain

now it’s all gone
now it’s all torn apart in pieces
now i stand alone
alone i am strong
alone i forget all the wrongs

acid to keep me company
hallucinations distract me from the pain

fatal medicine on the counter
my days are numbered
i can’t wake, not from this slumber
the walls cave in
and I can’t find myself
there’s no one to blame, i did this to myself
blood on the walls
windows stained with horror

my mistakes weigh me down
the price i have to pay is high
but i have nothing
so i’m gonna have to say
goodbye

I’ll kiss whoever I’m with tonight
to take you off of my mind.
It’s not the first time
that I’m fighting to keep you out,
but I don't wanna close my eyes.
In the dark you’re all that I see.
He’s laying in my bed but I'm staring at the ceiling, reminiscing you.

I’ll make out with three strangers tonight.
None of them will make it back to my room
but if they did it still wouldn’t matter,
I just don't wanna be alone at times.
Need to feel someone else on me,
so I can stop feeling you,
so I can forget you.

Cause I’d run to you
even if you were just a mirage.
And I’d follow you,
Through a desert.
Through a blizzard.
Through the eye of a hurricane.
I’d run to you!

and it’s been six months,
we still haven't talked.
I don't know anything!
I miss being your everything.
Tonight I’m all alone,
no one touching me, I’m on my own.
I tried the hook-up thing but couldn’t keep pretending.
When I look in their eyes I just see yours, blue and green.
Where did you go?
Why’d you stop loving me?

It doesn’t matter
If I never get an answer.
If you hit me up one day
I’ll still remember your voice,
but I’ll also remember
how pathetic you made me feel.
Alone even when we were together,
looking back is bittersweet.
Fond memories and love,
welled up fears and disappointment.
I’ll always remember you, love.
But I won’t go running back,
even if I want to,
I won’t go running back.

but I hope that you do
I hope you’d run back to me too.

breathing your CO2 was better than air.

before You i was not living
You gave life to me
from the roof of my head
to the tips of my toes

unused to the sensation of genuine care

everything is vibrant and colorful when We are together
but when We're apart i'm drowning.

suffocating in the oxygen

i was never into all that crazy ****
or going back just to take a hit
let's give it up for the kids that are lonely
the ones that are scared
real friends so uncommon
so fake i'm convinced they're mass produced
currently trying to find my way out
partying on a weekday
i don't care if i get laid, or laid off
i'm finally breaking out of my shell
xanies with the girls in the bathroom
lines of that powder
and they say it's all right, harmless.
it's all harmless.

This one time,
you were home and so was mom
Mami and Papi,
we were all "happy".

You left for a while,
that's what I've been told
but you came back,
for me, for us, because we were a family

And then we left you
we went with our other family.
That's how I thought it went down.

But things are never the way I think they are,
because maybe if I were able to get things right everyone would have stayed

I'm your eldest daughter,
and I'm the least important.
One phone call every two or three months is hardly enough to keep a
father-daughter relationship don't you think?
But I got used to this.
I got used to not expecting much from you,
because if I were to expect anything I'd just end up hurt, like I was when I was five.
and six,
and eight,
and eleven.

I've never asked you for anything, ever
but I really needed this, I don't want to go back to the beginning.
No thought, effort, or emotion was put into this.
And I'm not sure what I'm more angry at,
the fact that I had hoped that you would send a note
or the fact that you didn't.

But you know what,
It's ok,
just run off with your trophy wife and replacement daughter.
I'm fine on my own.

Rippling pools, uneasy minds
These days, is all I've come to find

You had a beautiful soul
Our memories are so cherished
Your time I didn't want to
     waste it
I felt trapped in our relationship
I broke you and for that I'm
     so apologetic
Wasted my time, phantom feelings
     and alcohol don't mix
You're the one, that I wished
     I missed
Messing with your emotions
     was never my intention
I think I just craved for
     some attention
My affection I couldn't give
     you
Fake and shallow it would
     have been
Lies, the Bible tells us,
     are a sin
I truly did want to
     want you
But my heart was too dark
     and twisted
We had our opportunity, and
     I missed it

I feel stupid.
Only I could be this naive
You're not to blame, I was so deluded
And now I'm left to grieve
Over all the could've beens that never were
What should have happened and never did.

What was once green...
Turned red...
And is now dead...

its distorted your brain
and now we're both insane
you're drowning in your whiskey
and i'm drowning in the pain
call me when you're sober
baby text me when it's over
the high says that you love me
i'm in constant discomposure

I found a new muse,
he turned all the blues
into rose-colored hues

If she's loved, and given love
She's also been heartbroken

the music filling my ears,
with melodies nobody wants to hear
crescendos intensifying the sound and emotion
the lows, the highs, setting the tone
a story is told
beginning, middle, and end
different interpretations, but everyone has the same understanding
deep in their gut they know,
it was tragic-
the last note got cut-off, a cliff hanger
an incomplete symphony,
unfinished poetry
we'll never find the truth.

The stars are duller than ever before
The sun isn't warm anymore
The sky is a dull grey

How come I never learned the difference between wrong and right?
How come I can't see the world like you do?

Someday, I will recover
Someday, the stars will disappear from the sky
The sun will implode
And I won't be there to witness

I guess,
That after you
I just didn't know
How to feel,
Or what to do.

I guess,
That I won't be able to fill
This empty slot
That's taken up my soul.

I wonder,
If my head and my heart
Will ever love the same,
After loving you.

Round and round I go,
Same story, different people

This wasn't the plan.
We were Bonnie and Clyde
It was us against the world.
But back then I was blind,
To all of the complications and obstacles
Did I give you up too easily?
I just wanted what was best for you
You deserve someone better than me
That's why I had to leave

I've resorted to doing
anything to numb this ache in my chest
to trying anything to fill this hole inside of me
I've tried it all,
drugs, music, ***, art
and
nothing. works.

i used to love summer
when it meant long hours of freedom
infinite days of fun
making waves in the pool,
under the sun.

now i dread the heat-filled days
they are a reminder of impending doom
and of past lives that i have lead
how i miss them.

but here i am today
sitting on my bed, typing out what barely qualifies as a poem
just a few hours before i lay in bed, swiping upwards on my phone
listening to background music
crying myself to sleep
all due to nostalgia
all because of the opportunities i had and never took
all caused by the fear i had to live my life.

so no, when you ask me what my favorite time of year is
i will not tell you "summer, of course!"

forever.
eternal.
ever-lasting.

our love was like a fairytale
we crashed into each other, literally
but crashes leave huge devastation.

i should have known we weren't going to last,
but hope kept me going.

you were never available
and i was always there

you said you would always be there forever,
i guess forever is five months

because eventually i fell
and you weren't there to catch me.

i had plunged into an inescapable pit of darkness
there was no light penetrating the opaque veil of absolute black
there was no escaping the immense feeling of desperation that came along with the pulling vacuum
the darkness penetrated through all,
and it was the beginning of the unfadable misery we had tried so hard to evade
by doing so we had only prolonged our own suffering, which in effect caused the tragedy of human decline

everything humane,
feelings, emotions, living instead of just surviving
all ****** in by this vacuum
and all that was left were creatures that looked like humans,
but their heads were shallow

they were so consumed by greed that all else was secondary
betrayal and lies were all that was left
the only things keeping “order”

but when the truth came out
so did chaos

I can feel us fizzling out
What was sweet yesterday
Now burns in my mouth