This relationship is over;
my love is no more.
I don't hate you--
you've just become
a bore.
I thought about why
you don't do it for me
anymore:
It's pretty simple--
you crossed one of my kind.
I know you can't see it;
because you're blind.
You thought she was your
*****,
or a *****.
Now listening to you has
become a chore.
It wasn't deliberate;
I just started flipping the channel.
I realized I could no longer tolerate
the sound
of your voice.
It's not a political statement,
just my choice.

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

with a mother
that made
me feel unwanted
from birth
doing her best
to break me
and steal away
my worth
i’ve been working
day and night
my entire life
to undo
the slices
she made
in my heart
with her knife

and fast forward
to age fifteen
i start to feel loved
but by a man
twice my age
with two children of his own
not much younger
than myself
keeping me his
*****
little
secret
until the day
i turned
eighteen
i was so excited
to be with him
finally
without fearing
being seen

but then he didn’t
want me anymore
because the
excitement was gone
i didn’t need
to be hidden
anymore
and that was
all he really
wanted
all
along

after that
i met another man
nearly twice my age
who persistently
tried to woo me
until i eventually
got worn down
and gave in
to his ways

he said he wanted
to show me off
to make me
his girl
but as soon
as i was
he became a monster
and all he did was
break me
more
and more
every day
until i went limp
and just let him have his way
he ***** me
sodomized me
told me
i was ****
that no one
else would
ever love me
that i was
disgusting
spoiled
worthless
and unworthy
of being
anything
more
than his
little
dried
up
worm
he
lived to hurt me
and make
me squirm

years
and tears
haven’t
been enough
to heal me
and i
am trying
every
day
to find
the value
in myself
i just hope
you can really see me

i will never
forget looking out
that second story window

hearing the
pool filter
in the background
mixed with heavy breathing

the cheetah print
sheets that cut
my skin open

the smell of marlboro golds
and sweat
with a hint of hopeful regret
filled that entire bedroom
that summer day

but most of all

it was that feeling
that i would rather risk
breaking both legs
jumping from the window

than deal with this pain

ever

            a g a i n

Time has passed, and you’d think I’d be over it by now,
But I still blast music in the shower to drown the memories out.
Can’t stand to be clean, but I don’t want to be *****.
Healing’s been so slow, and I am in a hurry,
Trying to feel like a whole human being
Find the places on my body that you haven’t been.
This landscape’s all mountains to climb when I long for the valleys
Of hips, knees, and skin that don’t feel like dark alleys.
I wear these scars like armor, but they don’t protect me from myself
Try to box up your images and put them on a shelf.
I lay awake at night alone in the dark
With visions of the marks you left- your own kind of art.
Telling myself I wouldn’t wish it on my friends,
Thinking in the quiet spaces the name that I would give,
And it’s hard to think about how used and empty that I feel
When I remember your literal blades made of steal.
You could always take what you wanted
Knew how to override a “No” leaving me feeling haunted.
I don’t feel safe at night when I go to sleep
Because even when I was unconscious, you couldn’t keep your hands off of me.
I shudder to think what kind of man you think you are
You said everyone was out to get you as if you weren’t the one leaving marks.
I struggle to tell my story out of embarrassment and shame
Am I just a product of your own twisted game?
I’d like to think someday the nightmares will be few and far between,
And my body won’t feel so much like a crime scene.
Until that day comes I keep it all locked inside,
Trying to lay down my weapons because I’m tired of the fight

Unheard

She screams as she struggles
The sound of her cries muffled
Her assailant's eyes look baffled
Her red eyes cry, her sobs stiffled

She tries to run but she is stopped
To the ground she is tackled
Her effort to run is attacked
And to the floor she is dropped

She tried to fight, she did, she tried!
She cried too much, she did, she cried!
She aimed to bite, oh yes, she did!
But the result she got was not what she bid
She wanted to hide, but all that was hid
Was only just this evil deed

An evil deed, indeed it was
An evil deed that no one saw
Evil as it was, no one saw
If someone had seen, she would cry no more
But at present her pride was no more

Dear Dad,
That’s all I ever wanted you to be. A dad, my dad. I didn’t expect you to be a great dad, or even a good dad, but you never made any attempt to be anything close to a dad at all. You did try to be other things to me though. A dictator, a manipulator, even a ****** partner. You may say that I wanted it, you might even actually believe that, but I assure you that my compliance was not an indication of my enjoyment. Compliance was simply the only option you gave me. I saw the way you looked at me long before you ever put your hands on me, but you waited. You waited until you’d pushed me to the brink of insanity. You made me question my reality so much that I’d believe anything you told me. Then on top of that, you found a way to make everyone in our family question every word that I ever uttered in preparation for the day that I’d tell them what you’d done because you knew that eventually, I would. You planned out every piece of what you did so perfectly. Even after I’d come out with the truth you made sure that the walls around me crumbled before yours did. All I ever wanted was for you to be my dad, but you couldn’t even give me that.