I love you.
You made mistakes, I did too.
But then I understood you were lying.
For years it grew, and I never knew.
But the reason I’m angry is not the lie.
You don’t think worth the truth.
That hurts more
than your knife in my back.
I loved you.
i. I never knew four letters could melt
menthol candy-like, hydrochloric acid on my tongue
and keep burning it in different degrees
I had to swallow back.
ii. That there would come a time
I'd have to baptize the pain in my chest like seasons
robbing me lungfuls
on January, September and December nights.
iii. That my blood was really ink I needed to stop using
before my skin turned paper-like.
iv. That my heart had an epicenter pumping a magnitude of earthquakes
that made me tremble helplessly in its intensity;
and that they were man-made calamities
followed by harsh, heavy, whipping tsunamis
to flood my grave of bleeding, jagged fault lines.
v. That aftereffects lasted longer than treatment itself,
and that I didn't need any professional diagnosis to know
I was terminal
from the same drug that made butterfly-strokes in my veins,
whose arms withheld the only elixir to this malady.
vi. I named my sickness, my pain, my agony like orphaned children, after you--
a rare disease
the doctors didn't even know about yet.
vii. I did and I doubted
but a part of me beat signals
that echoed off the cave walls of my skull
that I knew.
viii. Before everything,
I have been warned
but I chose to listen to the soothing, wrong, hopeful voices
"He means no harm,".
ix. You began spreading like an epidemic-- a tumor to a colony of cells all over me-- until I became you;
a reflection of familiar suffering and mortality, slowly withering away.
In the end, I didn't even have you to blame
for letting me overdose from intakes
of my own damn, bitter medicine and unforgivable mistakes.
x. I guess, this was how you wanted the price to be paid.
A chord of realization is struck,
Emerging from your throat.
The tone bubbles out like laughter but
Reeks of cough syrup and sorrow.
Emotionally kneeling to
Every broken phrase,
Spoken over endless days—
Of progress to follow.
More bitter medicine to swallow.
Jagged edged words, lacerations,
Fleeting sense of
Later, a bitter pill to take.
Yet, regret tastes sweeter
Than another mistake.
I tell myself, give it time, I’ll fill my days with nicotine, knowledge, and nature, breathe in oxygen as my heart races, running to leave behind the emptiness, failing to fill it with the beauty of the world around me.
Even in my quietest moments, the ones so breathtaking I can’t help but smile secretively, knowing I won't tell another soul because no vocabulary could encompass that moment of mine,
I still sour the perfection, my throat swallowing sorrows of years past and those to come, a tight seal on all the loss I’ve been unable to lose, the memories I can’t seem to dismiss, the time I can’t make up for,
Like the once silky sand fused with my tears that is now caked to one side, at a stand still while the hourglass turns round and round with the rising and falling of the sun.
And the moon only provokes nightmares that I cannot recall, reaching out blindly into the dark spaces tormenting my mind,
Like the space between an inhale and exhale, in and out, a sobbing choke and release, a nostalgic scent and lost memory, cigarette smoke and stillness, fury and composure, a fleeting thought and decision, life and death.
These most simple moments, like the way I would wake to your arm draped over my side crushing my ribs, my cheek smushed onto your chest smelling of oils, Jameson, and resentment for the morning light.
But once your eyes opened, the time of day mattered not when you looked at me. They held the most wonderful love that was mine.
Our reexamination looks like two years sketched out in pencil that’s been smudged, pages torn, edges burnt, and sections missing.
Then again, I can’t deny pencil has always been my preferred method of displaying my heart on the page. Not set in stone, easily transformed.
But if you press to deep, the marks become permanent, no matter how many layers of granite shroud the etchings.
That’s why I have written this in pen. Missteps out in the open, up for analysis, to be seen and understood, or whited out and written over, yet all still mine.
Smoothing out my imperfections
Lessons learned from past rejections
How can he develop, when it hurt so bad
To reflect upon the times, he fell
And he knows
That he doesn't know where to go
He knows where he's been
Forgiven his sins
Now is time to begin,
A mistake in progress
An object to forget
Trying to improve
But not done yet
Despite the hate,
A tidal wave
Gasping for air
It's just not the same
Now he must start, again
Rinse and repeat
March in defeat
He's learnt time and again
There's no substitute for the mentor
If I was able
I'd reset several moments in this life
I'd reset myself
I'd wash and make me brand new
I'd forget about everything
It seems that I need cleansing
And I have not a thought
On who to ask for it
But returning back
Maybe a couple of years
Just to be reborn again
I did everything wrong
I can't help but feel
That I did everything wrong
Only if you knew
I'm full of remorse
No I can't say that I'm happy with it all
I will not say that I am happy with it all
And that it all happened for a greater good
For something beyond my understanding
Because some things
Could've been prevented
I should've prevented
If I was able
I would annihilate my existence
To my Mom on Christmas-
This Christmas I sat alone at my house
I did a lot of crying, sulking, thinking things like, “Why don’t I have a spouse?”
I see old friends from high school getting married and starting families,
I’m over here medicated trying to hold on to my sanity.
Right now times are hard but I’m determined to thrive
If it were not for you mom I probably wouldn’t be alive.
I’m almost thirty and as single as can be
It’s hard not to feel like it’s not worth it to love me.
You however have stuck by my side.
You’ve always listened on nights that I’ve cried.
How come I can’t have healthy relationships?
Why does my dad shun me and not take me on trips?
How come my sister never answers my calls?
And how come when I’m around I drive my brother up the walls?
Twenty-seven years old and still depending on you a dad.
I am very aware it makes you extremely mad.
I know you work so hard day in and day out.
You set a great example for me as to what life is about.
You keep your head down and get paid less than you should
You don’t complain often although you could.
With me always needing money I know it’s impossible to save
For your retirement that I know you crave.
Sometimes it may feel like this cycle will never end
But I promise you this Christmas will be the last one I spend
Without sending gifts to those I care for most
I promise to become someone about whom you can boast.
I will be the woman you have always hoped I’d become
One who loves herself and does volunteer work and doesn’t feel numb.
I know you have dreams of traveling and finding love
But you’re too busy helping me and I know you’re tired of
Always being the one who catches me as I’m falling
I apologize for waiting all these years to grow up and stalling.
I know one day I can give you all you desire
Peace of mind knowing we made it through the fire.
I know we will come out on top of this mess fine
Because fortunately for me my mom is the best kind
She’s the kind that will always listen to me cry
And explains to me there isn’t always a why.
Things happen for reasons we cannot explain
Life is messy things change and they will never be the same.
Things may not go back to how they used to be
All the kids are grown up now and I finally see
That if I want a Merry Christmas I have to find it in my heart
I need to let my resentments go and that’d be a good place to start.
Eventually mom the tables will turn, and I’ll be working hard and have money to burn. Then I can take care of you because you’re my mother.
You can live in my guesthouse and watch my little girl and her brother.
With Mike out of the picture, another two years wasted
It might be a minute but I want it so bad I can taste it.
I want the family, big house, some kids, a dog and a yard.
But I know to achieve any of this like you I will have to work hard.
You’ve shown me that nothing in life comes free
But there are people out there far worse off than me.
Because at the end of the day I have the greatest thing of all
I have you as a mother and you always answer my call.
Thank you for always listening, always giving me advice
You tell me to value my self and not settle for someone who does not treat me nice.
You’ve listened to me bitch and moan about how Mike makes me sad.
Time and again asking me why am I with someone who treats me bad?
Bad character you said is something you can’t change
The heart wants what it wants though and I know that it’s strange
That I’d want to be with someone who makes me feel so alone
Someone who won’t even accept my calls when I call on the phone.
But you mother dear, you’re not the same
You’re naturally a caretaker and never make me ashamed
You’ve always accepted me and understood my disease
You’ve taught me that I should be the one I’m trying to please.
I’ve put you through so much all of these years
I’ve struggled but you’ve always been there to wipe away my tears
You hold me when I’m upset and tell me it’s going to be all right
To be thankful for what I have when I lay my head down at night
Because thanks to you and dad I have a place to call home
Even though there were no presents and I was alone
I still appreciate all that you have always done for me
When I was in jail you were the reason I was freed
After all the pain I’ve caused myself and put you through you’re still there
And I know for a fact your not going anywhere.
At times I feel lost, lose faith, and lose my way
But your still here to talk to me everyday
You tell me to let it go, that it’s ok to cry
That dad is who he is and we’ll probably never know why.
But who needs a dad when I have you as my mother
I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world that I didn’t end up with another.
Through all the chaos and pain I have put you through
You still remind me I’m your baby and you’ll always be true.
You have said to me, “There’s not a thing in this world I could do that would change your love for me.”
That kind of unconditional love it doesn’t grow on trees.
I’m more than fortunate, what I am there’s not a word for
That would encompass all love you’ve given me at times when you should have shown me the door.
This Christmas may not have been the best; it definitely has not been like the rest.
We used to at least come together and exchange cards.
This year all were absent and it was super hard.
But like always talking to you made be feel better
so I wanted to sit down and write you this letter.
Do you remember when I was just a little girl
We’d lay down in bed in and your arms I would curl
You’d read me this book, you read it a bunch
It was called Love you Forever and it was by Robert Munsch.
It was about how much a mother loved her new baby
Even though at times he would make her feel crazy
At night time when he was fast asleep
On her hands and knees into his room she would creep
And if in fact he was in a deep slumber
She would rock him back and fourth and sing him this number
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as you living my baby you’ll be.”
I remember when you read this part you looked right at me.
The little boy grew, nine, twelve, thirty-five,
and as the story goes, his older mother eventually died.
Well that little boy grew up to become a father
and at night he’d rock and sing to his daughter.
He’d sing the same song his mother had sang
Because we learn how to parent from where we came.
So this is how I know I’m going to be okay.
Because I’ve had the greatest role model cheering me on everyday.
A woman at times who was both mom and dad.
Who compensated for the lack of love that he had.
I thank you for being the best mom to me
And know that I need like $40 this poem wasn’t free.
Just kidding. I Love you. Merry Christmas.