To my Mom on Christmas-
This Christmas I sat alone at my house
I did a lot of crying, sulking, thinking things like, “Why don’t I have a spouse?”
I see old friends from high school getting married and starting families,
I’m over here medicated trying to hold on to my sanity.
Right now times are hard but I’m determined to thrive
If it were not for you mom I probably wouldn’t be alive.
I’m almost thirty and as single as can be
It’s hard not to feel like it’s not worth it to love me.
You however have stuck by my side.
You’ve always listened on nights that I’ve cried.
How come I can’t have healthy relationships?
Why does my dad shun me and not take me on trips?
How come my sister never answers my calls?
And how come when I’m around I drive my brother up the walls?
Twenty-seven years old and still depending on you a dad.
I am very aware it makes you extremely mad.
I know you work so hard day in and day out.
You set a great example for me as to what life is about.
You keep your head down and get paid less than you should
You don’t complain often although you could.
With me always needing money I know it’s impossible to save
For your retirement that I know you crave.
Sometimes it may feel like this cycle will never end
But I promise you this Christmas will be the last one I spend
Without sending gifts to those I care for most
I promise to become someone about whom you can boast.
I will be the woman you have always hoped I’d become
One who loves herself and does volunteer work and doesn’t feel numb.
I know you have dreams of traveling and finding love
But you’re too busy helping me and I know you’re tired of
Always being the one who catches me as I’m falling
I apologize for waiting all these years to grow up and stalling.
I know one day I can give you all you desire
Peace of mind knowing we made it through the fire.
I know we will come out on top of this mess fine
Because fortunately for me my mom is the best kind
She’s the kind that will always listen to me cry
And explains to me there isn’t always a why.
Things happen for reasons we cannot explain
Life is messy things change and they will never be the same.
Things may not go back to how they used to be
All the kids are grown up now and I finally see
That if I want a Merry Christmas I have to find it in my heart
I need to let my resentments go and that’d be a good place to start.
Eventually mom the tables will turn, and I’ll be working hard and have money to burn. Then I can take care of you because you’re my mother.
You can live in my guesthouse and watch my little girl and her brother.
With Mike out of the picture, another two years wasted
It might be a minute but I want it so bad I can taste it.
I want the family, big house, some kids, a dog and a yard.
But I know to achieve any of this like you I will have to work hard.
You’ve shown me that nothing in life comes free
But there are people out there far worse off than me.
Because at the end of the day I have the greatest thing of all
I have you as a mother and you always answer my call.
Thank you for always listening, always giving me advice
You tell me to value my self and not settle for someone who does not treat me nice.
You’ve listened to me bitch and moan about how Mike makes me sad.
Time and again asking me why am I with someone who treats me bad?
Bad character you said is something you can’t change
The heart wants what it wants though and I know that it’s strange
That I’d want to be with someone who makes me feel so alone
Someone who won’t even accept my calls when I call on the phone.
But you mother dear, you’re not the same
You’re naturally a caretaker and never make me ashamed
You’ve always accepted me and understood my disease
You’ve taught me that I should be the one I’m trying to please.
I’ve put you through so much all of these years
I’ve struggled but you’ve always been there to wipe away my tears
You hold me when I’m upset and tell me it’s going to be all right
To be thankful for what I have when I lay my head down at night
Because thanks to you and dad I have a place to call home
Even though there were no presents and I was alone
I still appreciate all that you have always done for me
When I was in jail you were the reason I was freed
After all the pain I’ve caused myself and put you through you’re still there
And I know for a fact your not going anywhere.
At times I feel lost, lose faith, and lose my way
But your still here to talk to me everyday
You tell me to let it go, that it’s ok to cry
That dad is who he is and we’ll probably never know why.
But who needs a dad when I have you as my mother
I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world that I didn’t end up with another.
Through all the chaos and pain I have put you through
You still remind me I’m your baby and you’ll always be true.
You have said to me, “There’s not a thing in this world I could do that would change your love for me.”
That kind of unconditional love it doesn’t grow on trees.
I’m more than fortunate, what I am there’s not a word for
That would encompass all love you’ve given me at times when you should have shown me the door.
This Christmas may not have been the best; it definitely has not been like the rest.
We used to at least come together and exchange cards.
This year all were absent and it was super hard.
But like always talking to you made be feel better
so I wanted to sit down and write you this letter.
Do you remember when I was just a little girl
We’d lay down in bed in and your arms I would curl
You’d read me this book, you read it a bunch
It was called Love you Forever and it was by Robert Munsch.
It was about how much a mother loved her new baby
Even though at times he would make her feel crazy
At night time when he was fast asleep
On her hands and knees into his room she would creep
And if in fact he was in a deep slumber
She would rock him back and fourth and sing him this number
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as you living my baby you’ll be.”
I remember when you read this part you looked right at me.
The little boy grew, nine, twelve, thirty-five,
and as the story goes, his older mother eventually died.
Well that little boy grew up to become a father
and at night he’d rock and sing to his daughter.
He’d sing the same song his mother had sang
Because we learn how to parent from where we came.
So this is how I know I’m going to be okay.
Because I’ve had the greatest role model cheering me on everyday.
A woman at times who was both mom and dad.
Who compensated for the lack of love that he had.
I thank you for being the best mom to me
And know that I need like $40 this poem wasn’t free.
Just kidding. I Love you. Merry Christmas.
he was not a mistake.
a happy accident,
for he taught me
so thank you. i know i've said it before but thank you. you opened me up again, and now i know i am capable.
sending love as always.
I tried to run away to a far away land,
where the grass was greener,
and the responsibilities leaner.
I ran from the ghosts,
I ran to foggy coasts.
I ran from the memories.
I ran from our mistakes.
I wanted a new me, whatever it takes.
But life, as she often does, had a different plan in mind.
Now I have to say I'm a little less blind.
I have discovered my god,
no not the one you're thinking of.
I found "it" in the history here.
I connected to souls I now hold dear.
I found solace in the here-after in the stones of cathedrals.
I found hope in stone glass windows.
I found peace in battlefields.
I also found pain.
It poured down like rain.
It took my breath away,
trying my best to keep the night at bay.
I no longer fear the ghosts back there.
I fear being stuck in the metaphorical here.
I've now been unwanted,
seen a love be haunted.
I've finally stood up for myself.
Even if they think I have totally fallen off the shelf.
I have embraced my flaws,
finding the power in their claws.
I have gained respect for those waiting for me.
I have learned a new definition of free.
I learned it isn't in the lack of responsibility
but in my magnificent ability.
I find freedom in the doing,
in the dream I'm pursuing.
Here I am.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of running.
So far nothing new is happening.
This is just history repeating itself.
One day all love will cease to have meaning,
It will just be something you can purchase,
Like buying plot on the Moon or Mars,
Or war or knowledge or emotions or words,
We'll just pretend it's all real.
A strange, vain culture we've developed,
Why everything is a steal.
And we never learn, we live in fear, do the same
Ridiculous things that "work" over and over again,
Why you can see how it's just a valley of blades,
One day you will realize it's only a matter of when
Some will wind up getting left in the dust, others in the gray,
I've got a hunch that one day if we wait long enough,
Eventually we will wind up in the dark again.
There will again be hell to pay
Only a matter of when...
Pow, that's a go shot
Who to dare race a leopard?
Thumbs up, how you'll loose
Get hit by a nail, Boy?
Still breaching life insecurities
Think listening to the wise men
Put your throat out, cry out
Don't try to roar, you're never near
Crooks shoot the animal first
Pow, did you hear that?
Same shit come over again and again
Now you're wasting time
The hare in the race, you know well
Sleep if you're smart and dumb
Get rid of your comic sense, kid
You a genius, bet with real men
Kick them asses real from their front
If you're listening to the sound
Here, hear with the another sense
Loud, voices trembling your feet
Never mind what they have to give
You don't have to give a fuck
Ride across witches cursing you
Let them get the fact that
You won't surrender
Even if you're surrounded
The first time I took my mom's makeup while she wasn't around, it tasted like foolishness and smelled of old-smelling perfume and lipstick that didn't go with my eyes.
The first night I touched myself, I did not find whatever pleasure the other girls snickered about. Its aroma a lot like flowers pressed into old books and its pain like a slap on the wrist.
The weekend I didn't go home didn't live up to my expectations. I stank of stolen vodka and hickies that didn't belong on my skin.
The first seconds I laid my eyes on you, I drank you in as much as I could. Your eyes, your lips, the shadows and lockets you kept behind you.
The minutes ticked in, you knew I was no saint, but, boy, you were just like my very first taste of sin.
Falling forever downwards
Into a hole that just grows
Deeper and deeper
And darker and darker
Digging my hole deeper
With every mistake I make
Every time I mess up
Every time I hurt someone
Crying tears fall from my eyes
The shame and embarrassment
Saying sorry is not enough
For me to be forgiven
Remembering every mistake I made
No matter how small they are
Or how bad my memories is
They will never stop replaying in my mind
Begging for forgiveness
For things they probably don't remember
And that probably don't care about
But they need to know that I do
Hoping that one day they will forgive me
And that I will forgive myself
For the things that create my hole
And then mabey I will stop...
Take you're worries with you, carry them on your mind, never confront the past, too scared at what you'll find, add it to the mountain that's growing in you're head, you cannot change the past, what you've done or what you've said.
But I can shape my future, and mould my path anew, for in my future there is hope because now I have you.