What's inevitable shall come to pass,
Go back, rewind rewind rewind
But, what's inevitable shall come to pass!

Picked up that call,
Went for the troll,
Never saw the car,
You thought was far,
Go back rewind rewind rewind
But, what's inevitable shall come to pass!

Moved out, moved abroad,
You didn't get the call,
Can now just nod,
For she had a terrible fall,
Go back rewind rewind rewind
But, what's inevitable shall come to pass!

Debit credit debit credit,
All the while,
Monet on her mind
All the colours she didn't find,
Go back rewind rewind rewind
But, what's inevitable shall come to pass

Red orange yellow and pink
Bride bride Groom Groom
Let the new now sink
Unsaid dreams though in gloom
Go back rewind rewind rewind
But, what's inevitable shall come to pass

Go back, rewind rewind rewind
To the beginning, change it,
The tiniest of them all, hit it,
Go back rewind rewind rewind,
Maybe just maybe,
What's inevitable might not come to pass!!

- Chetna

Lately I have been hanging your voice on my wall.
It came in ten different frames,
and I spent hours adjusting them
until they hugged the wall at the perfect angle,
their gilded bodies pressing against painted emptiness,
whitewashed space.

And when I feel nostalgia
twining around my veins like wild ivy,
I only need to reach out and –

“Hello. My name is –“
“Hello. My name –“
“Hello. (Stop.) My. (Stop.) Name. (Stop.) Is. (Stop.)”
“Hellomynameis –“
Do you remember that?
Did you know my hands shook,
that I tripped over words like I do
with miniscule cracks in the sidewalk,
that my heart stuttered
thumpthump thu thump thuuump thumpthumpthump
and how it hasn’t quite been the same ever since?

“I love you.”
“I love (rewind) – love (rewind) – I love (rewind)– love (rewind)– I love you.”
“I love –“
“Iloveyou.”
You thought you could pry me open
and tear down my walls
and then suddenly you did.
It only took three words to start a hurricane in my heart.
Did you ever notice the aftermath,
the broken homes and homeless souls?
I am still rebuilding.

I hammered this one into my soul,
can still feel the echo of your words
pounding away in my bones:
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.”
“Good…(clickclickclick)… bye.”

Rewind
high heels and disheveled clothing
smudged lipstick and missing belt loops
with splintered backs & frigid
fingertips
stumbling back into civilization
& back into being perfect strangers.
I can't even see you
through the oasis of crimson cups
& bitter smoke
my perception of you is askew
with your crooked smile and premeditated demeanor.
Am I delusional?
I think something happened but maybe
if I pour more amnesia
down my throat
by morning it'll seem like some awkward
dream.

Rewind
ouch
I wish I hadn't have seen that.

Rewind
we can hear your mother
in the other room but that doesn't slow
the race to peel out of our clothes
& hide under sheets and melodies
in the darkness
during the long stretches of deafening silence
I wonder what this means to you
I wonder what it means to me
I can taste the casualty on your lips.

Rewind. Pause. Slow Motion.
body/mind/melting together/chaos
instant regret
my throat tightens
allowing nothing but the minimal
amount of oxygen to keep my blood
stuttering through my veins
an earthquake pulls through my bones
& rips through my chest
nightmare
i close my eyes and try to wake myself up
breathe
you set me down on the empty
side of your bed
no questions asked
maybe getting ****** will make it easier to pretend
like this didn't happen
it didn't.

Rewind, play
it's new years eve
the moment I could feel the intoxication
roll through my body like a tsunami
a rogue wave slammed through the door
washing you up in this teenage wasteland
we float along avoiding eye contact
Almost as if there was an impromptu contest of who could be the least interested
I'm not very competitive
as the clock twists to the first few seconds of a new year
I press my lips against your mouth
searching for something, anything.

Pause
****.
I can't feel him or my toes
I need to get out of my head.

Play
the hours are moving too quickly
motion sickness
by the time I saw you again
my body was like a popped balloon
no one wants to play with the carnage
& neither did you.

Rewind
***** and whiskey are not my friends
my hair creates homes for small birds
as the black of my eyes smear
across my cheeks
if I had been able to move
without collapsing in on myself
or if the cold sweat didn't threaten to ingulf my pulse
maybe I wouldn't have clung onto your body
with such disdain but the smell of your skin
made the pounding in my head bearable.

Rewind
we're high
not the state of mind but relative to our position
our feet dangling toward
the distant rock and stream scattered ground
my skirt wasn't made for adventures
but claiming chivalry isn't dead
you kept your eyes fixed on mine
you told me if I got scared we didn't have to go all the way
but you've met at a very strange time in my life
I couldn't have turned back
even if I wanted to.

Rewind
it's two o'clock in the morning
the movie had turned to a silent film
as the wind had knocked the electricity from its circuits
I didn't want to go home
we were acquaintances
strung together by a shared friend
with flowers in her eyes
we ran through the moon lit streets
up a fire escape to dance
on the rooftops
we laid on our backs with your arms draped around us
trying to create a shelter from the chill of a coming storm
this was the first time you ever touched me.

Rewind
we're back at the beginning now
strangers, nothing more
I've been staring blankly at the back of your head
for almost two years now
the days blur together as we attempt to absorb something
resembling the French language from this miserable, decrepit
woman's so-called teachings
there is a phrase that has burrowed its way into my mind
"je ne regrette rien"
I don't regret anything

Fast forward*
things are starting to look like the beginning again
the fangs of futile complications
sink into my neck releasing venom
into my bloodstream which leaks into my brain
distorting my vision
everything around you is morphing
to become monotonous and colorless
my perception of you is wavering
& the phrase that has taken refuge between my temples
illuminates to fully reveal itself
"nous sommes des étrangers avec des souveirs et je ne regrette rein."
we are strangers with memories and I don't regret anything.

you pretend you've lost count
                                (feverishly, insides painted red and dripping-)
of how many times it's ended in "i'm sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry please come back"
"please listen"
"please dont leave"
(he won't and the door slams)

of how many times you've dredged yourself out of icy lakes to
grasp desperately at his clothes, his skin, his hair
breathing cold air into cold lungs, smearing paint onto his lips
to pretend
that this isn't another
                                                                (please god no)
                        
                                                      rewind

you tip the coffee to your lips, a dark brew, red dripping down the cup
and-
you know how this ends, but you always did, didn't you?

He's drowning hes dying someone save him hes drowning
hes drowning
              hes drowning
                             hes drowning
hes
always been drowning, stupid girl, didn't you know?
Didn't you?

sometimes the pills do it (32), sometimes the blades (48)
sometimes he just doesn’t wake up (25)
sometimes he climbs to the tallest building and-
                                                     rewind
rewind. rewind. rewind rewind rewindrewind rewind

you pretend that you've lost count
but you know
you always knew
that it would come to this, that it would end and
                                               (im sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry)
the only thing you could do was drown with him

sinking
sinking
sinking
into icy depths
watching
the fish swim by as your lips turn blue and his eyes close and your insides burn like a gallon of bleach and

you tip the paint to your lips, red falling from the corners of your mouth,
snaking down your throat, wrapping around your heart
you dredge yourself out of an icy lake and-
                                                      rewind

Find
Rewind
unwind your spine in the easiest of manners
our machine has cogs as far as they eye can see.
You can't see yourself fitting?
That's no problem,
we can fix that,
unwind and we will rewind
you and your way of mind.

Find
Rewind
Glue together your thoughts and make them a new song
make a new joy out of the sorrow you see.
You have been running from your dreams because your gut
your gut says "leave"
but even so you know you need to go,
rewind to a braver time
and find yourself
pick yourself out of the cog that machine broke you
to be in the shape, form, and spitting image of.

Find
Rewind
You there, you right there
you can come out of your *******
and into ours
you rang your bell when you're crushed to tight
but we don't care too much,
you are our profit, and no the margins do not lie.
Do you remember the last time you even rang that bell?


Find
Rewind
there are memories in that broken shell you claim to fester in
there's something in there.
I can see that little ray of sunshine in there,
come out of the machine that claimed you when you were broken
because "no one else wanted you"
but that machine wanted your
spine
your mind
and you don't want to rewind to the time
you were there,  because now you are comfortable,
But you have to find your way out my dearest friend,
because you are in there.

I think about old faces, you were a friend to me then
I try to think harder though, where have those memories been?
More faces coming through, sticking less with every pass
I can't say that I would hope that these new memories last.
Not in a sad time, not stuck in a place of hurt.
I just feel like I can't remember the good times to weigh the worth.
These new times, are something hollow, empty and void of feeling
No sleepless nights, but I find my self always staring towards the ceiling
So revealing, makes me notice my true emotions deep inside
Always telling jokes and laughing but right now we rewind.

I think about old faces, you were a friend to me then
I try to think harder though, where have those memories been?
More faces coming through, sticking less with every pass
I can't say that I would hope that these new memories last.
People say memories fade, others say memories last
I'd like to think that I could leave memories in the past
I don't want to cling to them like that's the only thing I have
But is it really bad? I guess you can say I'm home sick
Not missing my residence but missing where I've been
Reminiscing about the things that I have left on my journey
But they're not on their deathbeds, they're just on a gurney
Now do I save them, make sure that they are never forgotten?
If they start to fade for new memories should I stop them?
I feel like I need to answer quick, like I'm running out of time
I could keep stressing but right now, we rewind.


I think about old faces, you were a friend to me then
I try to think harder though, where have those memories been?
More faces coming through, sticking less with every pass
I can't say that I would hope that these new memories last.
I miss the days where I didn't have to miss my days
Where I could express myself in different ways
But this is today. Prattling words to my self
Not sharing my feelings, not sharing the wealth
I vent in stealth, not letting all the friends of me hear it
As if I'm ashamed, like I think my enemy is my spirit
You're hearing me in these lyrics, I'm embodied in the words you see
This is me in these lyrics, feelings and words, you see?
So if you're feeling my words, that means you're feeling me
So if you think that I'm a clown, this is the realest me
So this is real you see, no false words from the mind
I could keep on going but right now, we rewind.


I think about old faces, you were a friend to me then
I try to think harder though, where have those memories been?
More faces coming through, sticking less with every pass
I can't say that I would hope that these new memories last.
Where does the time go? I feel it slipping by me
I feel like my biggest problem now is I keep rewinding
So you may find me, reminiscing about the time before
Or catch me on a good day and I'll be rhyming more
Keeping myself in good spirits, while I find the path
Watching my life just add up, because well, life is math
Memories fade, because we subtract those things from the past
But it only happens to us, because we have something to add
So nothing is bad. Memory? I'll live all the good times with it in me
How much space do I have for the good times? Infinity.
No more time to rewind, I guess I have nothing left to say.
I guess the only thing left to do now is. Press Play.

You’re undecided whether you like me better blonde or brunette
it doesn’t matter as my hair is dying and coming loose.
I’ve abided to the unspoken terms of complete regret,
I made my bed, I’ll lie in it, tucked in tight as a noose.
Lifeless eyes that are overwhelmed with saggy lids,
so very tired but they’re still searching for a spark.
Feeling unwanted and rejected but still accepting bids,
but I belong on the sidelines and kept in the dark.

We can talk to each other about anything and everything
as long as it’s spoken in non corresponding code.
I’m at a dinner party fasting with nothing to bring,
at the wrong house on the wrong road.
You’re trapped in the maze that is my mind,
and that place may just become your home.
I’d direct you out if there was an exit I could find,
but even breaking down the perimeter reveals a dome.

Won’t you please be kind,
and please rewind.
Travel back and find,
the roots where we bind.
Stained from tear streaked flushed cheeks
and shredding through each line,
months became years but first days became weeks
and I still reply “I’m fine.”
It gets weaker every time.

She said “if your scared of ghosts then you’ll hate falling in love.”
It’s like an empty house and you’re the host
but there’s noises coming from above.
Every single door is closed
no matter how persistent you knock,
and you’re left feeling like you’ve imposed
on the person who convinced you to walk.

You can keep repeating it,
until you start believing it,
but my dear, we both know the real deal.
And I’ve been retreating in,
pouring out and bleeding in,
I’m already dead but when will I keel?

Won’t you please be kind,
and please rewind.
Travel back and find,
I’m half deaf but fully blind.
My home’s become the floorboard that creeks,
and my heart’s a vacant gold mine,
months became years but first days became weeks
and I still reply “I’m fine.”
It gets weaker every time.

A star never falls the same twice
and each week the moon has a new face,
I’ve been treading carefully but still slipping on ice,
I thought it was the tortoise that won the race?
And now my heart is booming
and beating straight out of my chest,
cardiac arrest is looming,
it’s been too long since it’s had a rest.

In all my over thinking I’ve never had a wishful thought,
this will be the last time I’ll wait around to see.
In all my over thinking I’ve never been satisfied with what I’ve got,
this will be the last time you can explain it all to me.

So my teeth grind, please be kind and rewind.
Maybe I was blind, please be kind and rewind.
Yes I’ve lost mind, please be kind and rewind.
Made beds to which we’re bind, please be kind and rewind.

All I want is a rewind to those times
When we talked for a long while
Seated under street lights
We were always together at nights

Staring at the moonlight
Our minds were filled with doubts
About what our future seems like

Then it went viral
That we were together
You asked how

I still don't know why

And it all sums up to now
Thinking of how we drifted apart
It was just too fast

But that was all in the past
All I wish for now is a rewind
So I can win back your heart

I really need a rewind ......

lets rewind...

back to the time we never met,

before our first "hi" and "bye",

before our first hug and kiss,

lets rewind a bit further, we're
still not there,

lets go back in time,

before your first layed your eyes
on me,

lets rewind,

no matter how much it hurts- don't stop...

we'd be better off,

this is our last goodbye,

lets rewind and go our separate ways,

forget about me in this lifetime and remember me
in our next,

just take the pain away,
so there's no more heart ache,

lets stop rewinding, we're here,

here's our last hi and bye,

our last hug and kiss,

the last time you'll ever lay your eyes
on me, this is our last everything in this lifetime,

but before all this ends, i just want you to know that..
i love you and we will be together in the next life...

now your heads held down, hands in your pockets.... and the saddest thing of all is that your walking away with tears streaming down your beautiful face..

I've seen them come
I've seen them go.
The aftermath
of a heartless show.
They're steps ahead
while you're steps behind.
Their echoing footsteps
your peace of mind.
Rewind, rewind,
rewind, repeat.
Eventually
you're alone with defeat.
Unless you change
your way of thought.
And learn self love
is where love is taught.

When I was a kid, our local Kroger on Main Street had a movie rental place built into it. It was in the corner where the new pharmacy is, the one they put in within the last five years.

Looking back, it is amazing how much technology has advanced, just in my lifetime. We used to rent VHS's, and we had to actually take the time to rewind them if we wanted to watch them, or return them politely. They also had to be placed in the case to where each "film hole" matched up with the little, circular plastic prongs meant to hold the tape into place. Remember that, when we used to watch "tapes". I am a mere 24 years old, and that alone takes me back to the "90's, the times of Buffy The Vampire Slayer which was one of dad's favorites. We used to rent and watch that "tape" all the time.

I also remember us owing the local Blockbuster tons of late fees over, "Gattaca". Eventually, in an effort to keep up with the then newly-installed and now already vanquished Hollywood Video, they offered late fee forgiveness if we simply bought the VHS for ten or fifteen bucks. We ended up paying like$30 and keeping several different titles.

Thinking about the, "Be Kind, Please Rewind" slogan reminds me to think back to my childhood, to remember those themes which will become the chapters of my young life when I am older. Those little nostalgias will bring warmth in my old age when my parents and pets of my youth have aged and gone, when friends have moved away, their children coming of the age we were when technology advanced to levels that made us feel like children of the Stone Age.

I am youthful yet, but as I see my peers age around me, high school friends and neighbors having children of their own putting into perspective for me that human mortality is awaiting us all, I realize that this is life. What is going on all around me is life. Life isn't a television set or a VHS tape, playing for us the scenes of our lives as hours, days months and years pass and fade away. Life is a verb. As another saying of the 90's pronounced, "Verb... it's what you do!" Life is to be lived, it is what we do. Too often we forget life is not only a noun, but a verb. Its cousin, "live" beckons us to not fear the scattering sands of time, but to go out, letting go of inhibition and let our hearts take us where we want, need and yearn to go.

This youthful inflection is a part of the transition into adult life. It is scary, it makes us feel as though we are letting go of a part of us we wish not yet to let go. But, alas... We must be kind to ourselves, and let the memories serve as a reminder of time served in adolescent purgatory, times of inadequacy, self-discovery. Of first, second and even third loves. Of numbness allowing us to think back on it all, evaluate and distinguish love from lust, "something more's" from "good friendship, nothing more", and even sometimes people whose only purpose in life was to teach us a lesson on how to not be treated, or from whom to stay away. These moments of growth are vital in growth for rendering healthy future relationships.  At this point in life, we can feel lucky to have known one good and true love at all.

It is important to lol back on happy family memories, as in the end family is all we have. We have family who stay family, family who go astray and friends who become family. Remembering the memories is part of looking towards the future.

In this day and age, we no longer have to "rewind", so it is important to take the time to do so. For it is in those moments that life is remembered, relived and future moments of life are born.

I have tried to write a heart breaking poem, where people feel what I feel. I have tried, but last night as I sat in front of my type writer, trying to figure out what to say, I realized I didn't feel anything.
I am hollow.

You took every emotion in me. You took everything and the only thing remaining is the memories I have of you.

Like the day in the car, where you hand strummed along to the country song on the radio on my thigh.

or the time you sang "Whatever it is" to me in my living room.

You were scared, You feared what we were becoming. You became too scared to look in my eyes because you felt something different. Something you can't place, You still can't.

Was it a friendship or relationship, but now watching me flirt in the show choir room with people who aren't you, something about that makes you feel sick.

And that look you give me across the room leaves me hopeless and confused. How ******* dare you look at me with those eyes of yours, they once said goodbye and now they look at me like I am ripping your heart out,

Rewind.

Can we rewind.

Rewind.

Your hand in mine, Lips on my cheek.

Rewind.

"I like you."

Rewind.

"Hey I'm.."

Rewind.

No more pain.

There is something tugging at me,
through the years.
A question clawing away,
in the recesses of my mind.

I feel like outdated technology.
I feel is as if I cannot keep up with
the rapidly changing times.
I can rewind.
I desperately want to rewind.
But everyone will leave me behind.

But it is as if I do not belong,
in this time. This place.
I can't bring myself to conform.
I can't be compatible.
**And I do not know what to do about it.

Take me as I am, please
No. Please is too understanding
Take me as I am!
Wait. Maybe that's too demanding?
I don't think we understand each other
Maybe we're over analyzing
It's just that when I look into your eyes I stop
They're hypnotizing
Stop. No. Rewind please!
But I can't, the words are out
Could you give me a backspace button for conversation
That would relieve some doubt
I want you
Argh! Too lustful!
I need you!
ACK! Too needy!
Let's just say the world's a candy jar
And for your jolly rancher I'm greedy?
No? Not subtle? Too subtle? Argh!
Why is it so complicated to speak to you!?!
I'm like a 3 year old whose trying to make a picture out of glitter and glue
And the supplies just keep sticking!
Do you understand what I mean?
I see the perplexed look on your face and...
**** it, woman, you're pretty
Ack! Rewind rewind rewind!
Stupid stupid stupid!
The only way to catch an arrow is to say you DON'T want Cupid
So I don't want you....yes I do.
No I don't!
But I do!
No I don't!
Yes I do!
NO! I! DON'T!
Look at her!!!
....okay, I do.
But you wouldn't give me a second thought if I told that to you
I mean let's face it, you're so out of my league that we're not even in the same sport
I'm playing with the tiny tikes and you're in the pro team's court
But I would be a fool if this wall was all I feel on my fingers
And as perverted as that sounds I let the joke just linger
Because you're beautiful and I'm me
And who am I to attain a girl like you
The boy whose glasses fall down his nose and is missing one or two screws
I just want a dance... and a kiss.... okay, just a dance
No, what I want from you is the guarantee of a second, maybe third glance
To see you in the hallways tomorrow and know I make you smile
To know that you affirm we danced and liked it all the while
I want to be more than wallflower material and I want the prime
So with shaky legs, a corny disco ball, and a bad song, I stand and I greet you
And ask could this dance be mine....?

Your move. Gulp.

Technology, Technology
It runs our lives
From the alarm to the evening TV
Just count your sheep
in the hopes of a six hour sleep
Dragging, pushing, poking and grinding
All for what? A day where we swing away?
Reminise and rewind our lives gone astray
All our friends are easily connected
So why do we feel so alone
Looking for love on a computer screen
We’re all ******* with the naturalist gene
Nature’s monitored via tv screens
With copious numbers of LCD’s, CD’s, Mp3’s to sail the seas
Heaven forbid the ******* sneeze
That’s technology you can’t see.

I know I'd rewind back to then.
Just for one more smile.
Just to hold you for a while.
Because they were microseconds.

And how I see you now.
Is that I don't.
So I'll rewind back to then.
And tell you a day sooner,
How much you mean to me.

Because you left before you got to see.
All of me.

It’s strange, really, how I find myself tangled in a relentless cycle of pause and play, of fast forward and rewind. So often I envision myself with my hands reached out in attempt to catch a moment in the air, to take hold of a feeling before its color dissolves into another collective memory. Emotions flutter anxiously between my fingers, like restless fireflies trapped inside glasses they cannot escape.

But I do not wish to steal their euphoria, only to preserve it.

They say I was born with a soul incapable of finding rest, possessing an interminable wanderlust that refused to dwindle. A blessing and a curse it was, the perpetual desire to hoard memories like expired love letters in the deepest trenches of my mind. I chased Love until my legs would give out beneath me, and even then I found myself crawling to graze its touch.  

Pause, play, rewind.

A lethal dose of nostalgia. Each solitary moment dances to the tempo of my blood flow, the erratic heartbeats that remind me how alive I have become. I have taken them hostage.

Each ephemeral moment, possessing a life so fleeting and bittersweet. The mellifluous echo of my favorite song being shouted at the top of my lungs, the familiar scent of the first book that stole my breath away. The first rush of freedom, the bewildering taste of loss, the initial weight of a damaged heart.

Like fireflies, they emit an effervescent light that radiates through the darkest chasms of my mind. A focal point. A distraction. Something beautiful amidst the murkiness of tears and unrequited love.

And I see their light shining through my fingertips, illuminating the gaps where nothing but absence exists, and I let go. They are free, an autonomous ray of light that floats through the spaces where I once felt so alone.

But I am not alone anymore, I am never alone, because I’ve created something permanent. A home in the middle of nowhere. A shelter for the explanations I could never bring myself to elaborate upon. A dazzling luminescence that will never die out.

We are everlasting.

I want to rewind it all.
I'm watching the snow fall out my window and I can't help but daydream about catching it on my tongue all those years ago.
Back when I'd breathe onto windows so I could draw pictures, back when the whole world was my canvas.
It seems the whole world's already been colored in though, like there's no more room left for us dreamers.
I read a poem in junior high asking where dreams go, but now I care more about where the dreamers went.
I want to rewind it all.
Back to when I thought the sky was another world's ocean,
Back before I had ever heard the word stratosphere or had failed a biology test.
I want life to be recorded on a VCR, little green and red buttons putting my mind at ease.
Then again, I haven't owned a VCR in years...

Red wine bubbling in the back of your throat
Rewind the kindling of a fire you won't put it out
Oceans unchanging, swallowing whole boats
You and I left in the void, to drown

I am unfeeling and fleetingly alive
I am lonely and slowly finding peace of mind
You are salt spilled across table tops
You are a child tearing apart and lost.

Dirt on your knees and scabs on your skin
We live free with the pleasures of sin
You taste him on your tongue,
Songs we left unsung.

Your old jacket, the one you gave me,
Well the zipper broke last week.
And the sleeves are torn apart,
It's grown too tight, it don't fit how it did in the start

Metaphors for a broken heart
How the ocean rages and pulls us apart
Smiles for the tattered soul
How the angels play their role.

With eyes turned up to the sky
In hopes to find that piece of pie
How many years of blood sweat and tears
Have you not yet made it out of here

Always asking for advice
When given saying that can't be right
All you've got, spinning like a top
Waiting for the ball to drop

You'll do this till the day you die
Wondering what is wrong with life
Feel the heat moving towards defeat
Press rewind and then repeat

Growing accustomed to the craziness
Pour more butane on the list
Stoke the fire, fan the flames higher
Situation is getting dire

How many times have you raised your hands
Surrendering over to life's demands
Always hoping for a change
Just this side of deranged  

Moving along with the crowd
To the humming of the vacant sound
Religiously you find your seat
Press rewind and then repeat

Pick yourself up and dust off your shoulders
because you're a soldier and have no time to rest.
You can't escape this life because you sold your soul for this
and in the next year, you'll be buried right under your feet, six feet deep.

Will it be your hell?
******* alone surrounded by nothing but chains
for years and years.
Calling out to empty shadows and swallowing dust over these times.

Will it be your heaven?
In the summer of ninety-six
with the night lite up with fireworks on the fourth.
Chasing the sparks because you're a child again.

Pick your feet up and march to the drums of your family.
You promised to always protect your family
and this is all you know to do.
Giving up your life for your brother's
is what you were trained to do.

Your heart is weak but warm.
But you will not be needing it for long.
You find peace in the night
but always keep a candle lit,
to keep an eye on your brother
because he is all there is.

Things can't be rewritten or reversed.
You've just got a confused mind
and acted out of grief.
But you're always able to rewind to the night
a bullet took your brother.

These lifeforms made a deal for you, that they knew you'd take.
They could care less about your feelings.
They could **** without warning,
but you trust them with your brother's life on this one.

So now you stand a man with a deal to die
but it's all worth it because now your brother can live.
Selling your life so he can have his back was the best birthday present
you could give.

Deja Vu has become an inconvenience in my life.
See double; stop to see; faint then see; I see
everything; twice is what I see.

Bright flash before repetition occurs.
Like a warning flash, but I can't hide.
I'm captured.
A chemical imbalance.
A negative developed.

Start reel; cut negative; rewind; see?
Rewind- Rewind, see?
Maybe if I ignore it all.
Maybe if I ignore it all.

A loop. No new direction.
Maybe if I ignore it all,
I can capture my own images.
Collect and store them.
A sideshow is the last thing I need.

Because right now I have my days memorized.
And if practice makes perfect.
Then I have reached my peak.

Rewind- see?

My mother should be an author
She carves her soul into millions of pieces
Leaving it behind all of the family photos
When I see my mother
I see a woman
Who wants to hide her soul in a needle
Just so the screaming can stop in her mind,
These bottles are rattling in the living room
You see they have put shackles on her heart,
She can't love anymore
Without having ***** in her water bottle.

Where is she hiding her beer?
I feel like my mother is giving me a scavenger hunt
From the shards of glass that were left on the baseball fields
My mother used to take me to.

You know she always wasn't like this
She was strong minded and had a big heart
Tonight I will tell you the story of a woman
Who lost her soul to the Keystones to the Miller Lites
To the ****** Mary’s.
Let's rewind time
See ******* the soul in ten years

10- I look into my mother's eyes and I start to cry
Because I'm looking at a woman who I don't know anymore

9- I refused to bail her out of jail again
Because I'm afraid her kidney will fail if she drinks again

8- My mother staggered into the theater and disrupted the whole play,
My cast mates turned to me and asked, isn't that your mother?

7- I had to hold my mothers hand
Because she was throwing up the cocktail of drugs and alcohol

6- Daddy had to get mom out of jail she was drinking again

5- My mother throws the bottle across the room
And told me the reason why she drinks is because I'm Autistic

4- My mother overslept for my piano recital,
I didn't think it was a big deal
But I remember she spent the whole night crying
With a wine glass in her hand.

3- Mommy I didn't know your prescription came in a needle

2- Mommy the prescription say 2 pills a day
why are you taking 6?

1- My mother went to the doctor
Found out that she has Rheumatoid Arthritis
I don't know what that means,
But I know she will still be strong right?

0- She took me to a Dodger game for my birthday.
I remember Sammy Sosa hitting a home run that game
She told me that the only person that can **** your soul is yourself

In this life you can’t
rewind orfast forward.
All you can do is keep
on playing or simply
just press ******* stop.
Who wants to keep
pressing play on life?
I wish I could rewind
my life and fix the
things I’ve ****** up.
I don’t want to click
the fast forward button
just to see my daughter
grow up and watch as
friends fall apart; as
well as loves, and see
myself fade away.
I can’t just stop now.
Once; many times before
I tried so hard to hit
stop before I made my
****** up life worse.
But I failed.
Now all I can do it
keep on playing this
poor tape, titled:
This Is Your Life

A glass jar lay in the refrigerator
a shallow pool of dark juice inside
dated last summer
last legs.

Rewind a little and its filled to the brim
white blobs are packed tight
white but purple
color revealed.

Rewind even farther and it's 'new'
I say we should make it last
dad's excited too
pickled beets!

Rewind more and two friends are picking
***** hands, sweaty brow, farm day fun
thanks for company
kind charity.

Rewind more and friend is picking beets
family trip to the farm for groceries
preserving the extra
time shares.

Roots like community spirit,
purple juice infectious like kindness.

I want to rewind
counter clockwise
the behind
walking backwards
from whatever
took me from you.
Which forward steps
were wrong?
How many less
should I have taken?

Divided
somehow from
the pleasure
of three
absent
in me.

I want to rewind
counter clockwise
the behind
uncertainty
to which footprints
wasted time.

Oh destiny, how you plot...

Geino Äotsch

I wish to undo all the things I've done
To turn back time
I wish some things didn't happen
But,could I still rewind it and change?

There were things that made me happy
But, mostly were tragic and sad
It all happened unexpectedly
But, could I still rewind it and change?

There will always be situations in our life,
Situations we never thought could happen
But, still it happened to us.
But, could we still rewind it and change?

Truthfully, things done can't be undone.
We couldn't rewind it
But, we have the chance to change it.
*Change it and learn from it.

Lying here rewinding us
while you sleep
Reflecting on where we've been
and where we are
Pausing here and there
feeling for effect
I look at you and wonder
just how much more
I could  ever hope to have-
to hope to live-
that's more than this.

Fast-forward to last night
and there we were
loving like there'll be
no tomorrow
Loving away all of those angry  
yesterdays
Now it's 2 a.m. and my heart
is wide awake
hoping you'll dream us
back again
Rewind us back to where
our love began.

r ~ 6/8/14

Silent crackle, tingle,
The smell of a sticky must. Floating dust in
An abandoned attic, where the rats roam and the dead skeleton of a fish
Still lies in an empty bowl of moldy rocks and plastic plants.
Yet, despite the emptiness, a girl curls up in the corner, black
Running down her face as she weeps for the things she longs for most.
She looks out the *****, broken window at the cloudy sky and imagines it
Blue. The brightest of skies with only few hints of cirrus.
A blanket on the ground and the man she loves, nothing else in sight.
The expanse of green in her head is contrasted to the rotting floorboards she lays
On, dreaming. The steady beat of Boy in Static thrumming through her headset
As she struggles not to scream and jump, finishing the job on the window
From troubled teens years before. The sound reminds her of VHS tapes,
Press rewind, take a turn and start over. But she can't, when something has changed.
The boy she knew, looking down with his hood not up, but covering his face, shielding
Himself from her. She knew he had a ***** in his head, but she just looked away. He never answered anything she asked. He was unable.
But her heart still dropped, she smiled her best. An amazing actress, fooling everyone, makeup allergy keeping her eyes dry. She just read Huck Finn as though nothing was wrong.
Now she sits in her room, writing and shaking her head. This line is not right.
Her walls were full of color and poetry, but her mind kept wandering to that attic.

She was there again. Blankly staring at her star charm anklet. A simple blue ribbon.
And the throbbing of her heartbeat through that one spot on her thumb,
That pressure point that hurts more than anything. But one thing could be worse.
Being left. Just like the broken rocking horse in the corner and the baby's cradle
Lined with blue silk that was shoved into a box. That baby is probably dead. Just like all
Of the others who lived there, burned by the fire. Goose flesh raises, prickly
Hairs on her legs from a week of no shaving. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Bleed.
Change the song. Bleed Like Me. Perfect. She draws on the peeling walls, two hundred
Years of wallpaper and lead paint, chalk barely leaving a mark. She sketches a masterpiece.
A child that she wishes she could have. Impossibly too young, but still...
A daughter she could raise better than her mother raised her. A chance to do something right.
More than the mechanic life she has lead, empty and useless.
Confused and pathetic. Like the broken grandfather clock that ticks backwards.
Three, two, one.
Ding-****, ****-ding. Grandfather never taught me anything. He was not a wise man.
He was a fool. Knew too much and too little, no room to know what was right.
She let another raindrop escape and suddenly it began to pour. Lightning crashes as a glass
Slipper collides with the picture drawn of her dream. Thunder as she releases a
Bloodcurdling scream. "Why!?"
Why her? The pain in her back is unbearable. She slouches too much, and her eyes burn.
She is not Cinderella; her ball gown does not glitter.
Piano is her least favorite instrument, but it somehow gets to her. Small hammers
Striking her heart strings, low notes reminding her of his voice and the soft, feminine
Voices radiating, remind her of when she was young... Immortal. She has aged since then.
Too quickly. Her entire life has been a masquerade ball. Unskilled idiots dancing
Around her and stepping on her toes. Shouldering her in the stomach,
Breaking her ribs. Beats of music guide her skilled toes, swerve around falling raindrops that
Her own eyes emit. And she crashes through the floor of that dismal attic. Broken free,
But she is still trapped. The walls are charred down here.

But the walls are not painted black. They were once a mint color, green and cheerful, healthy.
Until a psychopath lit a match.
"I didn't mean to do it." It was all in her head. The house.
She set it aflame.

She sits in her room, writing and shaking her head. This line is not right.
Her walls were full of color and poetry. It isn't worth it to stare. Nothing will change.
She is still just a girl in a glass box, being stared at and judged. Trapped and ridiculed because her eyes bleed and bless the onlookers with bad luck. It's amazing the things
That people don't know. Drifting deeper into a pit of endless darkness. A candle won't
Live down here. No oxygen to let it breathe. But one lit self portrait hangs in the air.
Years ago, drawn in pencil. Symbolic, it wants to be erased. To die.
And the ******* the page is wearing a mask. The girl in the parchment is me.
Medium length hair and a tear painted, permanent. A Parasite. Capitalized for its meaning.

A demon is running through me, singeing
My tissues, blisters on the insides of my bones. Swelled up, show through
My skin. Waves on a shore. But I am not a beach. A ***** maybe...
Still, I hate it. The hate killed whatever flowers I had left planted in my mind.
Tainted me with the horrible visions of a tear streaked face of paper mâché.
She was the one in the attic. Her whole persona
Wilted and ashen, grey. A silent movie might mask it; the hurt, I mean.
The grey lines on the screen hiding the bags under her eyes and the redness of her nose,
Get rid of the twinkling shards of glass frozen on her cheek from crying in the dead of winter.
Slip up once, and everything goes to hell. Well, I must have slipped years before I was born.
Few smiles are left on this dismal timeline. And I shall use them wisely. But, for now,
I think I will just weep, sleep forever and hope that you don't give up on me and pull the plug.
I am still here somewhere, just dormant. Please wake me up. Get me out of this charred cabin,
This glass box. Pull me out of my warped sense of everything, teach me again what
Love feels like. I have forgotten amidst everything that I have felt and remembered.
There is no more room for things to be learned. Only for things to be repaired.
I will give you a hammer. Come inside and fix me; that ***** in your head couldn't have taken your knowledge away. You are the only one that knows.

Use this never ending lightning and bring your bride to life.