To be honest there are a lot of things I don't understand in life.
But I'm 60 years old now and when I join the web for the first time I was probably 58 almost 58
By all accounts I would assume that's fairly late
And it was just barely over 2 years since I first posted here
And to be perfectly honest I was probably in a very narcissistic frame of mind back then in my endeavor for you see I never fit in with my 11 brothers and sisters I'm the 10th of 12 kids born to a farm family in West Oklahoma and the first to grow up in the city.. we moved off the family farm just after I was born and I became a child of the 70s then a hippie in the suburbs and I'm still at hippie in search of writing the wrongs, and a dreamer full of hopes. So in a way that's where and why  poetry started early for me which turned into music lyrics once I met my lifelong best friend and music collaborator... now deceased. A year. Actually 2 after he left this Earth I join the web and so hello poetry was a great place 2 reassemble myself since he had been the only one I've ever shared my work with in any real volume and I was suddenly without my feedback wall the only person who I really shared anything with because it would be an honest conversation not a obligatory pretense of someone acting as if they were going to pay attention like I got all my life from my family. And so yeah, narcissistic is probably an honest emotion on my part as to what I hoped or expected when I found and came here to hello poetry . Truly it was not for any " that's great " type comments or   millions of readers flocking to my site because that's not in him and never was or has been the driving goal for what I do when I write it's just cathartic exercise for me and I never knew how others could of would relate to . with noone but my buddy to share it with as we would try to turn some of them into songs and I live a reclusive life out in the country with my dogs and that's what I do I work as a carpenter when I can and create the rest of the time and I just wondered and wanted to know and I've never known so I just wanted feedback good or bad or ugly for my own personal knowledge truly just wanted to know. So if any idea of getting what I was searching for what I felt about a poem and what others thought and the knowledge that would engender has faded like a puff of smokes because after almost 300 poems posted here I don't know how many readers maybe a hundred thousand I don't know . I can probably make a guess at 100 comments all together so obviously that's not what I was hoping for but I stuck around long after that annoyance begin to filter through me as i didnt want to ne a tantrum throwing baby ... that  would not have felt right to nust leave because I didn't get what I wanted and sooner or later I knew that the writing Jag that was just amazing to me would dry up and a dry spell
would  happen and then I could  read more of other people's poetry without fear that I might accidentally let somebody else's words or ideas or thoughts or sentence filter into a poem of mine when I went back to writing. When I was first here I realized that I'm not very good at just saying good poem great job as I commented on people's poetry as I was more personal and outgoing and my comments what is sometimes taken as if I were being overbearing I don't know it was just a feeling so I continued myself for awhile just reading and not commenting very often and just with short comments which I found very unsatisfying. I also explained couple of times on my pages of poems how I don't like to read other people's poetry if I'm on a solid writing Jag and writing every day because I didn't want to accidentally absorb someone else's words or thoughts or sentence structure but what I wasn't saying on those comments was that I am getting near retirement age with no savings and no social security because I've always just worked  for myself doing remodel work for for people who like me  live way off out in the country and that im a lot  reclusive as I chase my creative side and raise my wolf dogs . I train them and give them away as service dogs to whoever...whenever  I can whenever I can. Or that I have created and raised this breed over the last 40 years on my own and without even my family to help because they don't get it . And so caring for and training anywhere from 20 to 40 dogs and pups at any given time leaves me with just so much time and I chose to write more often than read . I write for my own petsonal hrowth and I was writing like crazy late Into the Night and the early hours of the morning.. I've wondered , but  I don't know why I don't get feedback . It could be that or it could be other things ....could be that I just suck and nobody has anything to say and if so so I would have really liked to I know this,  because that's what I wanted when I came here. Thinking that Flo's the way you improve  ... if you suck . Ultimately I assume we all are and I know I am trying to improve my writing,  find my voice ,my style ,but I'm aware of my not joining in making more or what I was reading and reading more, so  I was probably creating my own lack of comments and feedback and that could be what is keeping me disconnected here or maybe.... like I said...it could be that I just suck. which I I wouldn't mind knowing  and  maybe  I would know if. A tumbled from a ladder and have suffered a hurt hip for a while and another tumble avoiding red wasp last year created a very damaged right wrist. and has kept me from working this  last year (especially ) it has been an extreme struggle without being able to use my wrist for anything writing typing so I took a break for the last 5 months I started flinging paint  on Old sheets of sheetrock and chunks of sheetrock left over from jobs  sectioning out pictures of this l paintings and adding a few left handed  brush Strokes and that tinkering with art styles paintings and posting those which I found I could do without stressing my wrist . So now I have to figure out how to be a businessman and try to figure out a way to sell some of these. All because  -apparently - people like them and  that's a good thing.....  but I'm not a very good businessman . i hate it( buisness) but I have to do something  can't keep working as a carpenter forever  and I'm hoping I can turn this into a income and that would be good but I'm not set up and I don't know how to do that yet and I've already got people wanting prints and I have sold a couple of to close fb friends that i've shared them to and on Facebook .
like I said irony is just weird. So in summation I calling this writing Aloha because it's both hello and goodbye in Hawaiian language and that's what I'm saying. "hello and goodbye hello. " I will post one more poem here (I guess )and it will be after I.gain and what I feel from writing this and submitting it. Dome things will  percolate through my head and that will be at eventually I will pull down all my poems and remove my site .  After I find a way to  print them up so for all those who commented to me thank you very much for all those who read me I appreciate it hope you enjoyed it and I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and keep writing and it's now Saturday afternoon winter day and I've got a five month old pup that needs to be worked with because eventually he's going to go to a nine year old girl whose parents say she has autism and tends to wander off into the woods so as I consider my dogs and my training to be my passage payment through this Earth I have to go make some ticket money. 40 Years of crossing a Shepherd Lab Mastiff Akita and wolf has created a remarkable service-oriented dog that I'm very proud of . And to be honest ...the struggle I've gone through to keep them and myself alive and fed - all these years - has been worth every minute.  As someone without family and none of the responsibility I don't think I'd be here today . i would probably be dead from being a hippie and going over the Edge. They're an anchor , a responsibility yes ( they are )  but they're my family, my friends and the thing that keeps me from floating off into irresponsibility... and believe me .....that's been a really good thing.

Aloha!

What kind of obscure analysis
Implies
What instantaneous retraction
Denies
Although I still believe
The illuminated illustration
Stands fast ... in resolute conviction
That poets can be and often are...
... word butchers!

And then... In...
That hyper Inflated
Monumental moment of Silence
You can hear the discourse
Running rampant through
The metaphorically impaled
Dignity...
As it swallows
In hardchecking defense
Restraining those words
Rising up... in roiling need to avenge
This appalling offense

Screaming eyes burning holes
And every single letter as it streams past
Resolved
To the abrogated
With a sudden conviction
That None Shall be absolved
Not a single a or double m
Whit or whim

Simply waiting with war raging
Beneath this thin veneer
Of social mores and polite adherence
The smiling face and the calm appearance
Of an understanding listener

Knowing and aware
Of the growing
Self-affirming
Sense of indignation
That's such effrontery as to call
Any poet
Even if it is themself
That they spoke of
Just 30 seconds ago
And now winding up and winding down
Any point have this i n t r a d i t i o n

Sudden ponderous silence  echoeing with a question mark laden intensity  of the guantlets swing...... how can you call yourself a word butcher and be any kind of... of... of... A poet?

With quizzical eyes. and mild surprise
My face pops forward and up
To gaze upon the springboard
Of this questioning ...
... but obviously sincere
Learned yet learning... lover of words
So leaning in close
And then in whispered tones
Whispered in conspiratorial antipathy
Because I treat them gently
I weigh them Fair
I carve just enough excess
to leave them with value
I wrap them in clean white parchment and tie them up with pride ....
....then pass them over
to be ...unwrapped
savored and enjoyed by...... I hope
a recipient
who enjoys what was related  
Then
With all the luck in the world
ended up sated... by the words
and the thoughts
That I had created

Then watching them walk away the army disbanded and the war horses went calm while the learned yet learning lover of words..... couldn't think of a single word to say.

Those hard falls
taken
Through a malstrom of memories
Sometimes seem....like...
...catastrophic collisions

With all the pain... all the scars
All the cost ...and yet
It is sans of all tender care
No merciful meds to aid the healing
Or promote merciful addictions

The kind
That often shoves..
... it
And all ...
...sharp , jagged edged
shattered , tattered , scattered
then thoroughly battered
WRECKOLLECTIONS
Into that obscure corner

My questioning soul...
... always wonders
if thats the salvage yard of ...
...forlorn hopes
or simply the junk yard ...
of all we discard ?

I tried to hold on
To what really matters
The harder I held on
The faster it scatters
But let loose the passion
To the whims of the Wind
Every chance then it returns
To where it did once begin
Worn down and faded
To the core of what once was
Comfortably rounded off corners
The way time and wind does
Where it's easier to handle .....
......what really matters .

Ive had my fill
Of every ill
That the world
Keeps trying ...to instill
I've had my fill
I've had...I've had...I've had
I've had my fill

Keep telling me lies
Even though ...
You realize
That you no longer
Even have to try and hide
Them!
Behind .......a thin diquise

I think that means
That the primed machines
Are ready to go.....
.....so....
They don't care if we know
Which way the future leans

I do believe
That there are those
Who do conceive
Of just ...
..one more heave
And that will take it
Take it all the way
All the way
To the ground !

Where others wait -
With a rope
To quickly quash...every hope
And celebrate
Once the have it bound
And all tied down

Watch and learn
From those who spurn
All the things that we hold dear
As they tell us what
Then turn a deaf ear
Then as they twist and bend
And rend the truth

By attitudes and platitudes
They separate us ...Into classes
All the while
They clinch their teeth
To hide the smile

Apprehension encouraged
By dessension
Convoluted amplituded
Learned from those
With whom ...
...they colluded
Those enemies of the free
But still...you may be
One of those who still denies
What is RIGHT ...
.....In front
Of your eyes

Just so you know
When that sun has set
Don't waste time waiting
For the light of dawn
If you bought the darkness
Then thats the ...
...the future you will get

I've had my fill....of every ill
That the world keeps trying ...
....to instill !

So i must be gone. 2 poems in a row
Cant get on.

I guess you could say
I had to get away
From the way words
Had began to grate...
......of late
For we seem to have entered
A season without reason
Where simple lies
Multiplies
Revealing just how unfeeling
People can be
So much so so much
Hypocrisy
Total insanity seems...
... To have slipped in, ripped in
To the very core of who...
... I used to think we were
And it never did occur
to the me I used to be
Before I had to look... Into the eyes
And accept this new reality
So I took myself out
And closed the door after...
... I locked myself in
Where i decided to start
A season of art
Climbed out of the web
And then ...when
I have the blues
Its somethig i can use
To make lakes or skies
Or lovely eyes
And for a little while
Pretend ....i put an end
To all the ugly hate and bitter  vile
Because i got so tired
And being uninspired
by those who seek
new lower lows
While shooting holes
And their very  own Souls

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