Why is my efforts so transparent to everyone?

Yes, it doesn't seem noticeable
Yes, it doesn't seem enough

But its the small thing that matters.

I gave you my best,

I've never travel down for someone when they're down.

I've never comfort someone the way i comfort you.

I've never worried others like how i worried about you.

I've never go this far for someone but for you.

I've never cried for someone so badly just because knowing i did my best but it's not enough.

But you left me because its not enough.

Since young I don’t really get it why do people cry or get disappointed when they’re are sick
Isn’t great that we can skip school or not work?

Until I realise mine own sickness it’s life threatening and I’m here praying to god everyday, begging for help and forgive the sin I’ve done.

Gasping for oxygen, trying to walk,
Trying to be normal again but how?

Walking was the easiest but now it became the hardest.

I really don’t have much time left
really want to spend all my time with you again.

It’s been a year
I’m missing you so badly each day passes
Yes we’ve chat, we catch up a few times.
But the bond isn’t the same as last time
Because you probably move on already

I love you so much, I’m sorry to say it now
Because when you want hear it so badly I couldn’t say it out. Time will tell. And time really tell, how can I love you when it’s been a year?

Don’t made me a fool
because of you I look a ******* fool
I put so much efforts just to get close to you again.


‘seen’

Everyone forgotten me when there's fun but came back running to me for comfort


yet the closer ones promised to be there for me when im down.
Look what've i left? Nothing.

I know you won’t replay my story and see how am I doing without you

I know you won’t be thinking about me every night at 3AM

I know you won’t be missing me every seconds

I know you won’t crave for attention from me

I know you won’t live the way I want it to be

I know you won’t notice me anymore

I know you don’t love me anymore

And i surely you don’t know everything i listed down is the opposite. For you.

Everything I do leads to you
Hoping you’ll replay my story
Hoping you’ll think about me
Hoping you’ll miss me
Hoping you’ll want attention from me
Hoping you will love the way I want
Hoping you’ll notice me
Hoping you will still love me.

Tried so hard to get your attention
And clearly you didn’t bother or even care
And it’s killing me.


Told myself I should just stop everything
I should not live by the expectation of yours so you would notice me
I should just carry on to my life
Focus on my family and friends instead of you.

I’m sorry to love you

Do you still remember how you would take silly pictures of me just trying to get my attention so I'll do back the same too? I miss that feeling

Do you still remember you asking me if im hungry? So caring.

Do you still remember we would always eat ice cream after our meals? You love those chocolate cone.

Do you still remember bringing me for a ride to the place i requested? That's where we talk about our life.

Do you still remember you would bring me to your friend's event even though im not invited? Sorry for making you left out.


Do you remember helping me to clean my small wound and place a plaster for me?

Do you still remember you came down to my place? We ate dinner together that day.

Do you still remember making breakfast for me? It felt like im happiest ******* earth.

Do you still remember i dozed off at ur bed and woke up in the middle of a night finding for you and straight texted you asking you where were you? You were eating at the kitchen, i was worried.

Do you still remember you would make sure i have enough money to go home and make sure im home safely?

Do you still remember how many times i made you sad?

Do you still remember what's the promises you made before we cut contact?

Do you still remember you hugged me that one night and i hugged it back tightly didn't want to let go? I didn't want you to see me crying it hurts because i know no matter how much i try its never ur expectations.

Do you remember those promises?
I always broke ur promises

But i kept one of our promises till today. I promised you I will never leave, i promised me, i promised us

Till today im still waiting, been a year dear.

What happened to the promises that you say you're gonna prove to me?
Bring me back to the moment even if its for awhile.

How far more can we walk together?
I want to walk with you just last one time with the same old feelings

Our smile will be the sweetest
And I’ll be the happiest the girl

But I’m not the girl that you wanted
want you to notice me but you notice her instead

Just know that I’ve been waiting painfully

I hate it that I’m been unstable for quite some time and I really hope you’re not the reason why

I don’t want to blame you, all you did is gave me the best but I took granted for it.

Now you’re looking happier than before
I’m glad you’re fine but I’m not

If the time can rewind
I promise I’ll make you the happiest

Thank you for making a huge impact in my life
In a great way because I really enjoyed those days with you.

It’s you all along.
Time heal? Forgive? Forget?
Those are just comforting words, it never work.

It’s been a year and it ******* hurts
Wake up every morning and ask myself
‘When are you gonna come back?’
Every single day just waiting till dark.

Tried to move on but why does it look like what I do on a daily basis, leads back to you?
Will you come back please?
Wouldn’t mind traveling down for you when I know my wallet it’s gonna burn a hole.
Wouldn’t mind to do anything for you.

But all you do is leave me on ‘read’
You couldn’t see how much efforts I put in
just to travel down somewhere near you but knowing I won’t able to see you but that is the only way to feel close again.. ‘close’

It's been a year, saw you a little back while ago.

Lighting up my cigarettes,
Saw you. I turned around
Hoping you will notice me
You did and my heart felt like it was everything but knowing its already over.

You shouted my name from far and waved.
I waved back and said hello
We both were smiling happily and waving to each other.

But i wonder, behind ur smile do you still miss me like how i did?

Do you still miss us?
Do you still love me?

Still wondering till now

If you do, please come back
My doors are always open like how your doors was open in the past.

We became friend
To close friend
You cared for me
I cared for you
You liked me
I’m confused
I let you down
You’re disappointed
You push me away
You left me
I’m confused
We stopped talking
I’m confused
Months passed
I saw you
You saw me
We chatted
I have mix feelings
We met again
Chatted again
Memories flashback

I still want you back
I’m confused all along, you didn’t give me a chance to talk it out
You step in and out of my life whenever you wants.
Now I want you back will you come back?

Should i be happy or sad?

Woke up blurred, picking up a unknown call, thought the call was just some mutual friends of mine
You asked where am i?
I answered im at home

This voice is so familiar
Alot memories came through while you were asking me to guess who are you.

Just one try, i got it right.
Its really you, did god hear my prayer?

The call was less than 10 minutes
But i was ******* happy
The call ended smoothly without holding grudges like the last time we end things.

I just feel so completed as if i had finish a important task.

Let me sleep in peace now, forever.

I felt more relaxed now.

I’m tired of repeating myself
I told them “I’m not feeling well”
“I’m not okay” “I’m not eating well”

No one give a **** at all

And I’ll stop repeating them because I’m physically and mentally tired and sick.

I lost so much weight
Struggling everyday
I’m so tired, very tired and I have no idea why
Staying home is boring but going out bring me anxiety and makes me feel like going home.

I miss my friends so much but I’m just too tired to get up, I want to tell them how I feel but it will sound ridiculous

Am I just sick or I have depression?
Who can I seek help from?
My world is so dark everything seems so meaningless, just so tired.

When I’m finally asleep please don’t wake me up
I’m happy there, I just want to sleep forever.

Was running towards
          The cafe to order a cup of tea I felt very
Breathless and my vision was going white and fainted right in front of the cashier. Woke up in your arms with ur jacket and look up and the memories came flashing through my mind.

And I woke up it was just a dream afterall
It felt so real it felt like you were there

If you meant it
Please come back
Because I love you too