I don't think you realised
How much those words hurt me
I know that wasn't your intention
But it doesn't take very many words
to break a heart
Maybe I am just insecure
and easily broken

I want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs
I want to jump up and down
waving my arms about
I want to grab him and shake him

But I know it wont help

He doesn't see it anymore
the love we used to have
its just a memory to him
and I can't figure out
why he thinks its so out of reach
to have again

IT IS RIGHT HERE

Yeah we went through some ****
and we had to set some
stuff on the shelf
but it didn't move
its just sitting here

please just come and get it

My heart was heavy
But his smile was light
He made everything feel right

He didn't judge me
He never questioned me
He loved me for who I am

He didn't push me
He never tried to hurt me
He just stood by my side cheering me on

When I would get sad
And cry through the night
He would lay there and hold my hand tight

I wanted to tell him
The three most important words
But I still haven't found courage or time

My heart was broken
Shattered to pieces
and scattered on the floor

I kept inviting people over
In hopes that they
Would help me pick up the pieces
But they didn't even notice them
They just walk on top
Smashing them into smaller pieces
Until my heart became so crushed
It was ingrained in the carpet
of my tear stained room

I saw the tears swell in your eyes
they began to fall over
I tried to wipe them away
but your tears weren't made of salt water
they were made of acid
and everytime I wiped one away it burned me
I tried to forget the pain
but it got worse and worse everytime
so finally I stopped, and let your own tears burn you

I see only absence in his eyes
where love should be

I wonder sometimes
if it would have hurt more
had I grown up
immortalizing him in memories and stories
knowing that had he been there
he would have loved his baby girl
truly and deeply
or if watching him
fail to love me
day after day
year after year
is as painful as death

I realized that people had purposes
some I was supposed to teach a lesson
but most were meant to teach me a lesson

My Mom taught me
what love really was
and what mistakes not to make

My Dad taught me
why relationship don't work
and that sometimes love is hard to show

My Ex taught me
That touching isn't loving
and not to jump to conclusions

My Friend taught me
That people notice when you wear less clothes
and that that isn't a good thing

I wanted us
I truly did
but you are bad at receiving
and you don't know how to give
I feel like I am throwing my love
into a black hole
and begging the night
to give me light
when all it knows is dark
sometimes the stars shine through
which gave me hope
but I need a sun
and you are in a whole different galaxy
I don't own a spaceship
I can't make this work

My home happened to be a house
There were people
There was love
There was home made meals
And memories in the making
Each night as I went to bed
I felt content
and like I was where I needed to be

But as our family got torn apart
The laughter left our house
The liveliness fell away
leaving tears in its place
only some continued to stay there
But much of the once occupied space
was now empty

I no longer felt okay
in my own bed
I didn't care for my room
the building ceased to be more
than just a building
**It was a house
but not a home

The smoke licks my fingertips
as I light the cigar
a fix of nicotine on a bad day
a way to keep the bad thoughts at bay
A long pull fills my mouth
with a bitter taste of artificial grape
A low for me I guess you could call it
A hypocrite I guess you could call me

All things considered
I'm doing okay
And thats all I can really say
Because it isn't easy
And it is definitely not fun

To have your family torn apart
from the outside, in

To have your home taken away
with only scrapes of possessions left

To have traditions shattered
and nothing quite like before

To have new people
brought into your life
while having one of the most important,
*taken away

I ask and beg and plead
just a moment alone
with nothing to do
I have been so busy
I want some time off
but only two hours alone
can make me feel lonely

I don't cry out of pity for myself
I don't cry because you should have known better
I don't cry because I hate you for what you have done
You don't deserve that hate put on you
You didn't know any better

I cry for mom who has to watch it all unfold
Who has to be in the depths of it with you
Who has to worry about the future

I cry for my brothers that don't know yet
But when they find out will be devastated
For their futures
For their mental health and well-being

I don't cry for me because I am strong
I can handle this
**But can they?

I became so we
that I forgot to be *me

Today I learned
That rocks are more likely
To break along preexisting fractures
Even if you fill the cracks
When under pressure
They fail along those same fracture lines

I think that is how heart breaks work
When your heart breaks
And leaves an empty space
You may be able to fill it in
But it doesn't take much
To open that hole again

How sad it is
that we see people
with our eyes

We should
look at people
with our souls

I started wondering when the grey skies above
would stop pouring down
and the clouds would float away
to reveal a bright blue sky

Then I remembered the saying
as cheesy as it may be
April showers
bring May flowers

And that is my hope
maybe our love needed some rain
so it could blossom
in beautiful colors

So until these clouds pass
I will try to dance in the rain
with the hopes of spring
brightening my view

There is an artist
hiding deep with in me
she can sing and dance and write and draw
she can create anything

But sadly
she is trapped deep inside

so then the confused me
tries to dance but always falls
tries to sing but always fails
tries to create but only crumbles

because I have now realized that
I am an artist trapped in a body that isn't capable  
of creating art

Maybe if you didn't know better
when you looked inside my shoe box
you'd think it was just paper

but that paper has more value
than all the cash you can stuff in a wallet
because that box has the papers
that put a smile on my face
that keep me going, on days
when I just have no go left

And if you are important enough
to make it in the shoe box
then in my mind you have done something right
And Ali had done something right
She had told me to persevere
when everyone told me to give up
she said that sometimes love is worth waiting for
And I was the only one who could possibly know
if he was the type of love, you wait for

As I sat unpacking my room
still caught in the love that tangled me up
A note slipped out of the box
and her words caught my eye
"Sometimes **** love can feel like a fairytale,
And sometimes fairytale love can feel like ****"

It made me feel like maybe it was okay
to still love him
Because our love was never ****
It just felt like **** some days
But nothing is perfect
And I am not one for giving up
Especially not on fairytale love

I was forced to come
by my mother
"you haven't been yourself lately"
well of course I hadn't

When the doctor asked
"what seems to be the problem?"
I lied
telling him I didn't know

I knew exactly what the problem was
something doctors couldn't treat
and medicine wouldn't help
I had a broken heart

a half step back and a quick turn
brings our lips within inches of one another
you lean into me
your soft lips resting against mine
as your hand brushes across my side
landing on the small of my back
and pulling me in
to you
to that moment
everything falls away
nothing else exists
just your body against mine
as our lips playfully dance together

We built a beautiful relationship together
sturdy and effective but also appealing and bright

You watched the relationship
you had modeled ours after
crumble to the ground
and all the flaws revealed

We had both seen this before
but it was different this time
Maybe because our relationship
looked like theirs once had

But what we could have never seen
was all the cracks in their foundation
All the problems
they hid in the basement

relationships don't crumble in a day
they slowly erode away
each crack left unfilled
takes away the stability a little more

the rusted out center
of your parents relationship
left only an outside shell
a gust away from complete destruction

The outside doesn't matter
we aren't doomed for the same fate
just because we used the same bricks
its the upkeep that matters

To have a good relationship you have to fill those cracks
You have to work to make things stable
they don't always come naturally
but the results of working together are incredible

I can never imagine us being
after having not been for so long
the rift in time
pulled us apart
and there is no way to cross the gap
no bridge you can build
leaving my memories
floating down the stream
underneath your feet
it does not work like that
I can not
I will not
be a retrograde version
of myself
and
who I am now
Is not who you would want
I have come to realize time has ruined
anything we could have had

There was no peace
There was no decency
No soul or heart
it was neither home nor house
it was cold and dim
the metal trapping me in
isolated but never truly alone
it was all I had
no where to go

I knew that eventually you'd hurt me
I knew that I couldn't be friends with a girl
who wielded a knife so loosely
without getting cut a time or two
I assumed they'd be accidental
that you'd just get a little too close
and nick me in the side
but oh how I wish
Even a jab at my arm or stomach
wouldn't have hurt
the way it did
when you stabbed me in the back
disappointment and regret
flowing from me
as I am on my knees
and not even an apology
from the girl with a ****** knife

Everyone is given a set of bricks
From a young age my parents built a pedestal
with those bricks
held me high above the others around
Bricks of compliments and loving gestures
layed beneath my feet

At a certain age
I became old enough
to lift up bricks on my own
Methodically I layed them all around me
My parents now too busy
it became a job of my own

But there was just one problem
I forgot to pick up  my feet
What I had been building was no pedestal
but instead a wall

By time I realized this though
others realized they had bricks too
instead of building themselves up
they hurled bricks
to knock others down

My walls now had a purpose
So I continued to build
the walls rising above my head
and ending at my arms length
I had built myself a prison
to protect myself from others

It was very lonely in my prison
just my thoughts and me
And although what layed beneath my feet was love
The wall around me was made of fear
and the outside world of **hate

We layed there silently
Gathering each other in our arms
Trying not to break each others hearts
anymore than we already had

I stared into his eyes
with a sort of wonder

"what are you looking at?"

"your eyes... They look so sad even when you smile,
I don't know how that could be."

He opened his eyes big and smiled wide
"what about now?"

We both laughed but only because
We didn't know what else to do

Then we quietly went back
To trying not to break each others hearts
But we weren't very good at that

I want to yell and scream
scream at the top of my lungs
so the whole world knows
what you did, how you hurt me

I want to hit and kick
give you a black eye
so you will know
know the pain I feel

I want to stop loving you
not care anymore
so that maybe you can stop
stop breaking my heart

I don't feel hate though
my lungs won't scream
my fists won't clinch
because even after all this
**I still love you

I have been using the death of our relationship
As a bookmark
To remind myself
Where I am and how far I have come

I don't understand
why we measure time

Time does not pass in a uniform action
Minutes can seem like seconds
and seconds like minutes

The amount of time we spent together seemed endless
but the amount of time it has been
since the last time we talked
seems infinite

The amount of time is not equal
to the amount of meaning
that something has

so if there is no meaning in time
why don't we measure meaning instead?

I don't understand why we measure time

I knew what you wanted
And it wasn't love
It wasn't what I wanted
But I let you push the boundaries
In hopes that it would make you happy
But even with me giving more each time
You weren't satisfied

You knew there was someone who was...
More experienced
Could please you better
And make you happier
Too bad that girl happened to be my best friend

I grew up with a girl
who had a free spirit
and a lovely personality

She adored her father greatly
But then one day
he up and left

She had lost one of the things
she had loved the most
and went on a search
to fill a hole

It started with kissing boys
and sipping beer
but spiraled downward

Soon she was
******* staragers
choking down pills
and not coming home on school nights

Her mom was too busy
to even notice her decay
She just looked the other way

I want to shed a tear
every time I see her
because I know
that isn't who she wanted to become

I miss her in ways I don't know how to explain
sometimes I see her smile on the face of happy children
I miss that smile a lot
the innocent one, it was so pure
She isn't so innocent now though
she has grown up, become a big girl
one who makes her own decisions
One who has to support herself
But I miss that kid with the gleaming smile

Every time I laugh

I stop                   And I wonder

Was it too high pitched?
Did I laugh for too long?
Did it sound fake?
Is that why he hated my laugh???

Because of you
I can't enjoy laughing
because what you thought was funny
Was really (at best) cruel
and your excuses don't make up
for the fact that
my laugh will never seem the same
That every time I laugh
I just want to cry
because I am so scared people feel the same way as you did

The social media craze
of being just a little bit in on the latest gossip
of everyone you have ever known in life
always has me comparing
my work to theirs
trying to compare success
as though it could be measured on a scale
how much weight does
my degree carry
What about their degree
Am I better because I went to school longer
Or am I worse off, drowning in loans
Does pay matter
Are they doing what they love
More importantly, Am I doing what I love?

I haven't stopped dreaming about you
I wish I could
each night you sneak into my dreams
tip toe in and take control
we share a dance or a kiss
and I fall in love with you a little more

But I wake up sad and confused
because although you choose to be mine
in this far off world that is my dream
I know you don't remember dreams
you never have
so every morning you have no recollection
of the love we shared

So you go on with your life
giving your love to other people
giving your love to her

But you will never know
how much love I have given you