Golden light falls on a beautiful beach
warming the skin of olive colored surfers
The waves playing with their feet
tickling their toes as it comes up
to the point where land and sea meet
The noise of life surrounding them
waves crashing, birds chirping, children playing

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid
that I can't separate them from my reality
they mesh into one

Some mornings I wake up mad at you
I can't quite remember what you did
But I know I didn't like it

It will take me hours to remember
That what you did was only a dream
And I shouldn't be mad

I will  be telling a story
And half way through
I will realize, it may not be true

Every childhood memory
I second guess
Did that really actually happen?

Maybe it is a blessing
that I can live through my dreams
That my nights are never boring

But I think it is a curse
that my emotions can be effected
by my subconscious

I wrote once that
love goes as easy as it comes
I don't remember the circumstance
in which I learnt that

I wish I would have remembered
because I know it now better than ever
and maybe had I remembered
I would have thought twice

I wouldn't have jumped off a bridge
into your arms
I would have sought out a staircase
and slowly made my way down to you

Sitting still and doing nothing
is not an option when motion is impending

No longer just a living room
the space had transformed
into something more intimate
void of screens
the lovely voices of those who were present
opened up the space to laughter
to sharing and stories
hot tea and biscuits in hand
a smile on my face
and a comfort I had never known before

Isn't so magnificent how everyone has a story?
Every single person has a lifetime
of memories and thoughts and knowledge
stored up, just waiting to be shared

Each part of their past shaping who they are today

Every time you talk to someone
you get to dip in to a little piece
of who they are
And I think that is just wonderful

I quietly listen in
as they talk about home
about their lives outside of this office
I got lonely and drank ***** till I fell asleep
and wonder how such educated, well off people
could live such lonely lives
I am working on making a bed frame for my twin size bed
why don't these people have anything
and everything they have ever wanted
I think this weekend I will just watch movies alone
they worked so hard and accomplished so much
in their efforts toward education

did they put that before friendship, before love?

Eyes are the window to the soul
But you already know that

Everyone said don't look
a murderer in the eyes
unless you want to see
the devil inside

But i was a curious little girl
when no one was looking
except for him, my eyes couldn't help
but wander toward his

When i saw his eyes i had to silence my gasp
not because i saw the devil
but because i saw myself
his eyes only mirrored mine

Maybe it wasn't the presence of something
but the lack anything that led him to become the murderer

the warm air floats over me
the bright light illuminationg my face
I watch as the flames engulf
every last piece of him I had
only ashes left and scraps of clothes
the flames lick the edges
of the gifts I once held dear
and I wish that I could throw in
all of those memories too
The happiness in those moments
aren't worth the pain they cause me now
if i could just seer them out of my brain
even physical pain would be preffered
over what I am feeling now
If I could just burn those memories
like the pieces I had left of him
then maybe I could be happy
maybe I could go a day
without bitterness creeping into my heart
without the pain of knowing
he never loved me the way he loves her
but I loved him more than he could ever love her

I wish I could say
That I won't forgive you
That I will hold it against you forever
That our friendship is forever changed

But we all know I will
It is impossible for me to hold a grudge
I see the good in everyone
Even you

I remember what it felt like the first time we touched
our fingertips brushing against one another
in that type of way where it was meant to seem like an accident
but we both knew it wasn't
My whole body filled with warmth and pure bliss
just at the touch of your hand
but then something changed
As i watched the fountain spray water in every direction
all i wanted was to jump in
to extinguish the burning
that your hand caused on my skin

I forgot what this feeling was like
I had kept myself distant for so long
I don't know how you did it

You broke down barriers I didn't even know I had
You made me feel happy again

We may not be prefect but I think I might love you

It's Wednesday night
My mind is floating in Tequila
too lost to do anything

But my heart
Can't stop beating for you

I can go hours
even days
without a single thought of you

But then it is like a tidal wave
emotions crashing over me

I can feel it all
Every hurt
Every pain
Every anger
All the broken promises
All the plans we had that you will never follow though with

I can feel them crashing over me
suffocating me
drowning me
ultimately drowning me in my own tears

The procedure began
My eyes open and my body numb
A black X drawn across my chest
marking the point of incision

The needle was larger
than any I had seen before
as it approached my skin
There was a half second
in which I thought
"should I be doing this"

But it was too late
the needle had already broken the skin
blood pooling at the surface

The drugs were setting in
I was happy to let them take me
knowing that when I woke up
my heart would be gone
no longer would I feel pain and suffering
no longer would I ache at nights
no longer would sadness consume me

I really thought we had something
But I was sadly mistaken
What I thought was love
Was just Infatuation

I tore you apart
when all you needed
was building back up
I was trying to get to the bottom of it all
But when I did
There was nothing left of you
That's when I realized
I had lost the person
I loved the most
Soley because I didn't know how
To love him as a friend

FFFFFFF                   A                TTTTTTTT
F                             A  A                       T
F                          A       A                     T
FFFF                  AAAAA                    T
F             ­          A             A                  T
F                     A                 A                T
F                    A                    A   ­           T

breathe in
breathe out


                                                           ­                      THEN JUMP

Her eyes lit up as we drove into the farm
a gorgeous landscape of flowers and horses
a crowd of inviting people
who said they loved her
but hurt her
every day
I could see the frustration
as they told her no
to the simplest of things
because she was female
and watched as her younger male cousin
was always put on a pedestal
for all his "hard work"

This is the place she called home
because although it wasn't perfect
And it wasn't painless
It did hurt less than
The way "mom and dad" did
It didn't cut as deep
As the shards of broken glass
scattered through the kitchen did
It felt like love
compared to living with two
that despised each other
It may not have been everyone's joy
but it was paradise to her

Artists are often
broken people
using the fragments of themselves
to create something new
and although
being healed
feels so complete
sometimes i want to be broken again
sometimes i want open wounds
so i can use the blood
to paint sunsets
so i can use the torn off pieces of skin as a canvas
so i can carve
masterpieces with the jagged bones left behind
but I can't bring myself to break my own heart in the name of Art

I deserve someone
someone beautiful, inside and out
someone caring, toward me and others
someone loving, in all senses of the word
someone i care about to

You don't deserve someone
someone like me

Why I still write about you
Why I still care about you
If I ever will not like you
If I will ever give up on you

even though I can tell

You have given up on me
You don't even like me
You don't care about my feelings
You don't even respond to my texts

After you were gone
tears streamed down my face

Not because I thought you didn't love me
Not because I thought our relationship was a waste
Not because you were ruining some future I had planned
Not because I thought you were "the one"

I cried because I was afraid
I didn't want to lose my best friend

I really want space and to spend some time just on my own
but I want to be with someone just as much if not more
but I only really want to be with him
and I don't know if he wants to be with me
but I still feel like I should be single for a bit
but if we did this right I wouldn't need to try to escape
but what if we don't get it right
and what if we do

Your an idiot who can't get over yourself
All you care about is your emotions, you don't think about anyone else's
You use your disorder as a hall pass to do whatever you want
You use people
You ******* used me.
I hate you so ******* much.
I never use to curse,
But look at me now.
******* Evan
*******

If you had 3 wishes
would you spend them all on yourself
wishing them away on love and wealth
or would you stop and think

maybe I can change the world

would you choose to be a good dancer?
or would you cure cancer?

would you want to be younger?
or end world hunger?

would a sign with your name say: Featuring?
or would you end world suffering?

We stayed up late
and talked for hours
We spoke words we had never uttered before
let thoughts escape our lips before we could think twice

We talked about those who had hurt us
and those we were afraid might
and how we had hurt ourselves

When we spoke of escaping i said
"I always liked the idea of jumping"
But he had a better plan
"I would take a knife a cut open my heart"
When I asked why he said
"I like the symbolism"

It's not about you
Or that I love you
Or that I even like you
Because I don't

You fill a space
In my heart
That's not so easily occupied

And for now,
That will do

Even if I Don't Love You

I
Could
Explore
His
Broken
Soul
&
Live
In It
Like a
Home

Is there more to life
more than just the everyday muck
waking up and plastering a smile on my face
more than going to school everyday
just to graduate and go back again
so that I can get a job
so that I can get married and have kids
and raise them to do the same **** thing
are there not any options?
is this my only choice?
because it sure seems like it

that's the reason we didn't date.... right?
so that we could be friends
or were you just trying to let me down easy?
please don't ignore me

I skipped the slow part
I fell in love with you all at once