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9.0k · Jan 2021
i miss you
riri Jan 2021
i miss you
i miss your voice
i miss your laugh
i miss your presence

but i don't miss you in that way
i don't miss you romantically
i miss you as a person
i miss having you in my life
i wish we could at least be friends for now. we agreed to be but things are just awkward between us and it's too early to talk again i guess. maybe part of me does still have feelings for you but i'll heal from it, but i just miss you genuinely as a person.
7.1k · Feb 2021
where did you go
riri Feb 2021
daddy why don't you love me anymore
you know mom never did
it's almost as if you're dead
yet you're still alive
you can't protect me from her insults anymore
because now, you're the one going along with it
dad i miss you.
4.6k · Aug 2021
empty touches
riri Aug 2021
laying in his arms, huddled up right beside his chest
next thing you know we're kissing, while he's touching my breast
grabbing onto my waist, his hand running down my back
he's playing with my hair, while whispering down my neck

sirens going off in my brain, telling me to run
"run as fast as you can, you are not the only one"
his touch was an indicator for me to leave, but i didn't know how
temporary affection is what held me back, so i thought "it's only for now"

his hand was like a vacuum, every touch ****** bits of my soul away
i knew deep down his desire for my body was the reason he wanted to stay
the more he said he "fell" for me, the more i became sweaty
sweaty with genuine anxiety, for the fact that all i felt was empty

i gave every reason i could to leave but he twisted each excuse in his own way
"it's just a phase of emptiness & numbness you're going through, please stay"
every opportunity i grasped onto to escape
just led to me having my mouth covered with tape

not even self sabotage could free me from his control
so i decided to permanently walk away, but in my heart remained a hole
i constantly asked myself why i stayed when i couldn't feel a connection
but i realized he gave me what daddy didn't: just some affection
******* dad
3.6k · Mar 2021
unfair
riri Mar 2021
it's unfair it's unfair
she has a heart of gold
but they treat her like she's just like anyone else

it's unfair it's unfair
she pours her soul into everyone she cares for
but they just leave her to rot in the flames

it's unfair it's unfair
she still has a heart after being wronged so many times
but they just keep doing it to her
maybe the universe is telling her that she should just turn cold.
2.5k · Feb 2021
daddy's gone
riri Feb 2021
making sandcastles at the beach while being basked by the sun
quickly turned into doors slamming so hard that the room vibrates

laughing until our ribs felt like they would burst
quickly turned into insults that would rot my soul away

jubilantly screaming on rollercoasters and squeezing hands tightly
quickly turned into punches and threats

smiles that shined brightly with purity and joy
quickly turned into tears that i'd find myself drowning in every night

being daddy's little girl
quickly turned into being the one that got away
where did my dad go
riri Jun 2021
pouring all the water in the glass, till the glass starts spilling out everywhere
this happens every time she drinks from it
she's fully aware of it, but allows it to keep spilling
wetting her shirt, the floor, and the table
drops on her skin racing to the floor, trying to beat gravity

meanwhile they were in front, watching all of it
wondering why she isn't doing anything to stop it
second-hand embarrassment is what they felt
for the fact that she can't simply drink a glass of water without spilling it all
"what a mess" they thought

nobody wanted to be around that girl
"stupid" and "strange" are words that were used to describe her
because at such an older age, how can she not drink a glass of water?
how can she not control herself?
how does she not think about how uncomfortable it is for others to watch?

she knew what was happening, but continued to let it happen
she watched as everyone judged her, but still kept on going
is it inconsideration or self sabotage?
she wanted to see if they would see past that
but in the end, she realized that was what she was defined as
extra contents that are spilled out can be used against you, even by those you love the most when you least expect it
1.9k · Apr 2021
i shouldn't be jealous
riri Apr 2021
her hair shines like the sea glimmering in the sun
flawless, radiant skin with a beaming smile
her eyes are like a trap, once you're reeled in all you can do is stare in awe
how i wish i could be her

boys treat her with respect, that's for sure
effortlessly gorgeous they say, even when she wakes up in the morning
she's the girl who everyone stops to stare at
how i wish i could be her

i see the way they talk about her
the respect and humility they have whenever they're in her presence
especially the way he looks at her, for some reason i envy
how i wish i could be her

she calls herself ugly
but i never will understand why
she's perfect in every way
oh how i wish i could be her
a best friend who doesn't know how jealous i am of her, the thing is i will never compare to her beauty. next to her i will always be the ugly best friend
1.8k · Nov 2020
The Sweatpants
riri Nov 2020
She liked sweatpants, just like her mother did
She wore them her whole life
She told him how much she hated when people tried taking them
They always tried stealing them

He stained the sweatpants though
Her favorite sweatpants
The one she waited months for to get
She tried not to think much of it

Then he stole her sweatpants
She didn't get why
She made it so clear of how much she disliked when people did that
But he did it anyways

Why couldn't he ask?
It was just a simple question
It was what she held on to the most
He took it away

She misses those sweatpants
She misses how it felt when she did have them
Her favorite sweatpants she wore her whole life was gone forever
And there was nothing she could do to get it back
The damage is irreversible
1.6k · Feb 2021
temptation
riri Feb 2021
she started realizing her worth
until she was set back again
she realized she drove everyone away
no one wants to deal with a broken little girl anyway

maybe she doesn't deserve anything
maybe she deserved the pain
after all she wasn't a perfect person
she's made a lot of mistakes

"maybe it's karma" she thought
she was spiraling more and more each day
she grew more angry with herself
and dark thoughts took over again

they creeped back into her mind, right when started doing well again
this time, the thoughts are more intense and strong
the temptation is there
but she knows she shouldn't give in

she wants to so badly though
she thinks she deserves to feel the pain
after all she drove everyone away
no one wants to deal with a broken girl anyway
she's so close
1.5k · Aug 2021
i realized
riri Aug 2021
it took her months to come to this realization
but one day it just hit her, and it hit her like a brick
that even if he did come back as a new, changed person
nothing could ever repair the damage he's caused
and at that moment she knew nothing would ever be the same again
i don't want to go back to overthinking, and changing my entire personality to the watered down version of it - all for what? just so you could stay? just so a silly boy like you could "approve" of me? i'm better than that. this time i'm choosing me.. except i say this yet you're still in the back of my head. but i'm coming to terms with this thought i've had today, i'll get over you eventually.
1.4k · Feb 2021
empty promises
riri Feb 2021
"i'm not going anywhere"
what a lie
never opening up again
1.4k · Dec 2021
illegal reunion?
riri Dec 2021
what a journey today was
it was as if everything i envisioned became a reality
sitting in the passenger seat, watching your ****** expressions as you spoke
reminiscent of the times our lips would interlock
reminiscent of when my gaze would be fixated on that smile of yours

it must be illegal, to even think of such a thought
because you were the one who hurt me most
yet today, speaking as if we were best friends felt so comfortable
it felt as if time never passed
speaking of our distant memories of when we were together
as if it was some form of amusement only we could understand

the fact i'm even writing about you feels illegal
but i can't help but think about how it felt looking in your eyes today
the same pair of eyes i once used to think belonged to the man i loved
i was freshly fifteen at the time, but my heart felt so attached to you
and the fact that i'm an ice cold stone now, who can't feel anything, surprises me more

or so i think
this year is filled with plenty of surprises. i think the weirdest part of this all is that i suddenly feel so drawn to you again, curious as to what the outcome may be..
1.3k · Nov 2020
I wish I could forget you
riri Nov 2020
You're the worst person I've ever known
I can't believe I let someone like you into my life
Months have gone by and I still resent you
I just can't get over everything you've done to me
It's hard to let go
1.0k · Apr 2021
a secret
riri Apr 2021
it's hard to say out loud
or admit to anyone
that my heart still thinks of you
because not one person
can make me feel the spark i felt when i was with you
i hate myself every time i think of you, but the ending of our story just wasn't fair.
1.0k · Sep 2021
i set myself up
riri Sep 2021
displaying a badly painted portrait of myself to the public
just so that i can be picked on, as i predicted
self-sabotage isn't just a bad habit, but a disease
the only cure to it is self-love, but that's something i can never seem to reach

possibly the pain became too addicting
or i'm afraid of change, i'm afraid to be loved
after all i can never accept the fact that i am loved in the first place
i'm so used to mistreatment, for it's the only form of love i know
i complain about "why does it feel like the world is out to get me" when i literally set myself up every single time.
994 · Aug 2021
my addiction to you
riri Aug 2021
addictions are hard to overcome
maybe that's why it is so hard to get over you
because to me, you were my drug
love is a drug i guess
944 · Sep 2022
incapable
riri Sep 2022
am i incapable of falling in love?
they say those who have been extremely damaged are the least likely to fall in love
i mean it makes sense, all of us damaged ones have never been shown what love was
our version of love is being treated like a dog, constantly begging for love

when i found you it was a different type of feeling
part of me knew i'd end up with you though
we've had our bumps but i've learned plenty on this journey
about you and me
we've definitely had to build on each other but we've come a long way

oh how i wish it were you all along
i strongly believe it's the timing of it all
if it was you since the beginning i'm 99% sure falling in love wouldn't be so hard
but unfortunately i had to be damaged a million times before meeting you

they always say the hardest relationship is the one after the toxic one
for so long i've been used to abuse and emotional manipulation,
that now i find myself getting bored when i'm not on that crazy rollercoaster ride, begging for love

but i'm happy i've met you
i just wish it was earlier
if only.
if only man. if ******* only.
934 · Sep 2021
kinda funny
riri Sep 2021
it's ironic isn't it?
how you always manage to come back right when i think i moved on
oh but 8 months have gone by since we last were together
yet my heart still stops when we lock eyes
true feelings never fade i guess
my love, nothing could ever change the way i feel about you
i deeply desire someone i can't have and that's the worst part. i wish i at least made small talk with him yesterday./
907 · Aug 2021
it's her gem now
riri Aug 2021
her lost gem, she couldn't seem to find it for months
it was a rare one, expensive too
she treasured it most
until suddenly it was not in the pockets of her jeans anymore the next day

she lost her mind trying to look for it
searching all over her house
even in public places she frequently visited
but it was no where to be found

it was only until months later she saw it again
but with someone else
the gem was no longer hers
and her self loathe grew even more

"how could i be so irresponsible" is what she thought
"if i could go back to the night before i lost it and made sure it was there this would never have happened"
everyday from there on, she wished she could go back in time

she wishes the one who took it would lose it, so somehow it could come back to her
maybe she would find the gem laying around by her house again
she constantly got her hopes up every time she would see a gem
but it was not the same one, it was simply a clone

whenever she'd take a closer look at the gem's look-a-likes, she realized it was only an illusion
they didn't have the same shimmer as the real one
they didn't feel the same
the edges were rough and they weren't even real, they would break apart

she misses her gem, and she knew nothing else would compare to it
nothing feels the same as the one thing that made you truly happy
898 · Mar 2022
realization
riri Mar 2022
and then i realized
only medication or temporary rushes from substances would relieve the pain
the pain of living,
the suffocation of being trapped in a body i feel like i don't belong in
the never ending cycle of anxiety

and so i cried
and i cried so hard until i couldn't breathe
knowing there would never truly be an escape to this thing called life
not even therapy works at this point, i just gotta learn to live like this
893 · Oct 2021
everything changed
riri Oct 2021
an out of body experience it was meeting you
looking into your eyes, lost in the endless shimmer they gave off
a single touch from you was like a touch from the heavens
sparks flying just from a single conversation
everything changed the moment i met you

just as quick as it happened was as quick as it was gone
you left and took a part of me with you
a part that i will never get back again
oh how i miss her
everything changed the moment you left

months go by and my heart still asks about you
deep down i always knew you were my soulmate
but it felt dramatic to say that, however now i know it's true
no one can ever make me feel the way you did
everything is different now
the thing is was a soulmate to you in your eyes? i think i know i wasnt, but it's hard to accept that. it's hard to believe that i was just another girl to someone who was once my whole world. now i became just like you, breaking hearts - but only because they just aren't you.
817 · Jan 2022
run
riri Jan 2022
run
the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list

run

like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target

run

the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst

run

in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win

you can't run anymore. the run is over.
lol
779 · Apr 2021
the dream
riri Apr 2021
you say you want me back and you're sorry for pushing me away
you were scared of getting hurt
and you felt an overwhelming amount of emotion while you were with me
you didn't know how to handle it

but as the days go by you miss me more and more
you wish you never let me go because you can't find the spark anywhere else
and because you know i was such a rare find
so you hate yourself for running away

but then i woke up.
it's always just a dream.
759 · Mar 2021
a sign
riri Mar 2021
i'm practically on my hands and knees, Lord
begging for a sign
of whether i should stay or go
please.
755 · May 2021
cries from my subconscious
riri May 2021
beneath the pit of my soul
a flame lacerates my skin
the anger, the frustration, the confusion
of you not being here anymore
when my gut told me for sure, that you were the one
i put the fire out but the ashes still remain
754 · Feb 2021
pool of tears
riri Feb 2021
every time i think about us
i remember the way we smiled while looking into each other's eyes
but every time i realize you're no longer here
my eyes well up
and become flooded with a pool of tears

my heart stings and longs for you
i just don't know why i wasn't enough for you to stay
i miss you so much
maybe you'll come back some day
i wish i appreciated you more when you were still here
720 · Jan 2022
the high school dilemma
riri Jan 2022
preparing months for an exam
for a number that supposedly determines your worth
******* up to teachers, people you don't even like
just for them to hopefully write a few commendable words about you

all for the hopes of being deemed "acceptable" to some supposed authority
for a place that will decide what you'll be doing for the rest of your life
making these drastic decisions at the age of 18
when not too long ago you were just picking out your prom dress

listing down any type of hobby or recreation you have
to make yourself seem a little more unique
since the competitiveness between you and your peers is sharper than a knife
who will make the final cut in the end and be deemed worthy?
that's all we do. that's all we've been doing for years as a society.
689 · Feb 2021
oh silly me
riri Feb 2021
not a day goes by where i don't think of you
and i hate myself for it
what a fool i am
661 · Aug 2021
waiting
riri Aug 2021
i thought you were done with her
i thought it was finally the end
i really thought soon it could be my turn, but now i'm not so sure

i'm so tired of waiting for you
tired of waiting for something that most likely won't happen
but i can't let go of the thought

you were the only one who made me feel that way
the most heartbreaking part is that the feeling was nowhere near reciprocated
instead, you fell that way for her
i just wish i could do it all over again.
519 · Jan 2021
you returned
riri Jan 2021
you're back
but there's no promises
there's no guarantees
that there can ever be an "us"
is there any hope for us? or is it a lost cause?
500 · Jan 2022
disappointment
riri Jan 2022
i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted

but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you

to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.

i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me
do you still think about me? does your heart still ask about me the way mine asks about you? i wonder if any of our moments together ever cross your mind. or if you even cared to lose me. maybe you moved on, maybe you're with someone else by now. who knows.
491 · Sep 2021
a funny thought
riri Sep 2021
it's funny looking back at how much you broke me
because now i can't feel a single thing for anyone anymore
but the thought of you has faded now
i just wonder when i'll get to feel that way again
just completely numb.
489 · Jan 2021
We had to end
riri Jan 2021
Why am I so stuck on you?
Because you fit all my standards
Because I saw great potential in us
Because we have such a great chemistry

Why did it end?
I can't put it all into words
You said I overwhelmed you
Gosh, how I wish I could take all those overly personal questions back

Why didn't I think about what I wanted to say before I said it?
Because I'm impulsive
Because I have trust issues
Because your answers determined if I would be able to let my guard down

Why did you leave?
Because you're emotionally unavailable
Because I'm too much for you
Because maybe, just maybe, there was someone else
I just don't get it. I could've given you the world, but I guess I was too flawed in your eyes for you to even bother trying. I'm more angry at myself though, I feel as though I'll never be loved by anyone because I'm too damaged.
479 · Sep 2021
how can i forgive me
riri Sep 2021
she knows he hates her
she can feel the resentment from a mile away

non-stop thinking about him turns into nightmares
waking her up everyday at 3am
she can't go back to sleep

her mistakes haunt her every night
and she hates herself for it, and can't seem to forgive herself
jason i'm sorry.
472 · Apr 2021
love is a game - or is it
riri Apr 2021
love is a scary game they say
but i was never scared to try with you
the story ended just as it began though
467 · Dec 2021
judgement as my shield
riri Dec 2021
stuck in an endless cycle of criticism
just to avoid the mere idea of being hurt
the idea of letting someone fully into my heart, just to take another piece of it away?
it's something my mind and heart cannot fathom yet again

is my judgement something that can be seen as egotistical?
funny how i hate myself so much, yet try to hold you to such a high standard
but i know love cannot be formed in this manner
love isn't about changing someone into what you want
but rather about accepting and loving them for who they are

my mind judges the immaturity you have, like any other teenage boy
or the way you aren't my ideal person, academically
yet i admire the way you talk about your passions
or how you kiss me until i feel okay again
maybe that's what matters more
maybe you're not my ideal person but you sure as hell make me feel safer than any other ever has
457 · Sep 2021
drowning
riri Sep 2021
my feet touched the bottom of the ocean, i felt the cool sand tickle my toes
swim as fast as you can
flailing my arms and legs and quickly as possible, in hopes to make it in time
swim as fast as you can
the air inside my lungs is crushing me
swim as fast as you can
there's still a few more feet to go, although the water escapes into every hole of my body
swim as fast as you can
falling back down, there's no energy left to get back up
swim as fast as you can
suspended amidst the deep blue, unable to move my limbs
just try to swim
thinking about them and their damage, causing lacerating pains in my heart
i give up
what's the point if the whole world is against you
455 · Jan 2021
Troubled
riri Jan 2021
You're troubled, I know
You have a tough time opening up
There's a lot of trauma you suppress

I wanted to fix you though
I wanted to give you the world
I wanted to be the reason you could see things in a different light

But you ran away
You ended things before we could've grown together
You ended things before there could have been an "us"

You removed me from your private story
You don't talk to me anymore
And I hate it

I know you have no one to talk to about your problems
I know the people in your life don't understand you or care
But I do, and I always will
I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish I didn't have to entirely lose you. Your opinion of me matters to me so much for no reason, I hope you don't hate me now for all the things I've said. I hope we can be friends again at least, because part of me feels guilty that you have no one to go to anymore. I was willing to help you, but you wouldn't let me.
442 · Jan 2021
not enough
riri Jan 2021
i wish you cared
the way i care for you
i wish you'd put in effort
the way i was willing to do
but i guess i wasn't worth it to you
but i have to let you go eventually
430 · Apr 2021
twisted words
riri Apr 2021
"i hate him"
but i still think about you, for some reason

"i never want to see him again"
i'm scared that when i see you again, it'll all come back

"he means nothing to me"
but you were everything to me
it's easier to hate than love someone who hurts you
418 · Jan 2022
friends come and go
riri Jan 2022
like the leaves on a tree that fall each year
when skies become darker, the world becoming more frigid
they slowly detach themselves from me
eventually i'm left with none in the end

each leaving my life for a different reason
a possible circumstance, or maybe they just grew tired of me
for each and every person there's always a different reason
the outcome is never different though

but then the spring comes around
a fresh start, new leaves begin to grow
and everything will return back to normal
however, the cycle will always repeat itself
this life is a lonely one
386 · Apr 2021
repetitive cycles
riri Apr 2021
oh but every time you left
you took a piece of me with you
and now
that part of me is all gone
you just came back and left time after time, just to crush my heart every single time. now it's all gone and i can't feel that way again
359 · Nov 2020
Fire, Water, Earth
riri Nov 2020
I was always in the fire
Running through the flames
Pins and needles stabbing me
The heat ripping my skin apart

Then I was in the water
Sinking further into the depths of the sea
Gasping for air
The ocean was filling my lungs

Those in the fire don't care
They never do
But you
You threw me in that ocean

I'm back on earth now
But I'm wounded
The scars and memories
It's all engraved in me
Different people can hurt you in different ways
346 · Feb 2021
run before it's too late
riri Feb 2021
daddy didn't love her did he
mommy didn't love her either did she
she was used to it though

seasons change and time went by
she realized she wasn't used to it
she realized her soul was rotting away

nobody likes to be caught in a storm
nobody wants to drown in the ocean
so they always left her before she ****** them in

a broken little girl wasn't she
a broken girl who would never be able to feel love
since everyone who realized she was broken left
they always leave
339 · Jan 2021
a big heart
riri Jan 2021
wishing i understood then
the complexity of your trauma
wishing that i wasn't so pushy
that i didn't overwhelm you

i'm sorry that i made you feel that way
i just wanted to understand you
i wish you could come back
just let me help you
my heart is too big and causes me to always care so deeply for people.
337 · Apr 2021
the possibility
riri Apr 2021
it's so hard to forget
someone i knew i would've fallen in love with
you ran away before anything could ever happen, but i know we would've been madly in love with each other
riri Feb 2021
sometimes it hits me like a brick
the realization that you're not there anymore
the realization that i'll never be able to feel your touch again
i'll never be able to be in your presence again
oh how i miss being next to you

then i wonder how it was real
it was just so perfect, until it wasn't
i just don't get how someone who made me feel more than anyone else has could leave my life so quickly
i don't get how we weren't meant to be
but that's just how it is sometimes isn't it. life isn't always fair, maybe we're meant for each other in another lifetime
333 · Mar 2021
failure
riri Mar 2021
by holding onto you
i'm failing my friends
i'm failing my family
but worst of all, i'm failing myself
i'm failing everyone i love
322 · Jan 2021
You're gone now
riri Jan 2021
I said so many things I wish I could take back
I must have suffocated you
I'm too broken, but I warned you from the beginning
You said you weren't going anywhere, but where are you now?
empty promises are what i'm used to
317 · Jan 2021
8 days
riri Jan 2021
I'm a fool aren't I?
Only 8 days with you
But it felt like 8 years
Only 8 days with you
But I felt more with you than with anyone else
Only 8 days with you
And I feel like a fool for being in misery now
For something that wasn't a relationship, that sure stung a bit when it came to an end.
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