the more i try holding on to you
the more my heart breaks
my love for you is screaming inside me and i'm trying to hold it in
because i'm not sure if you feel the same
did you mean all you said to me?
or has it just been a game all along

I shouldn't be feeling this way I know
But every part of my heart beats for you
Every second of every day
All that's on my mind is you

There's a war going on in my heart
The soldiers stomping around the edges of each and every vessel
The voices shouting
But amidst the chaos, all I can think of is how I felt when we looked into each other's eyes

Those eyes of yours, that smile of yours
It feels like paradise whenever I venture into them
Our souls connected in an instant, they quickly became intertwined
And I just can't seem to forget it

but was the feeling ever mutual?
i fear that maybe you just never felt the spark like i did.

finally a beam of light shining through
the darkness of the storm
nothing was ever hopeful for her
but when he walked in, he walked in with that light

light travels fast though
just as he did
he left before he could become submerged in the storm
and she's miserable now

was it just the idea of you?
or the potential of what we could've been?
or was it genuinely just you as a person?

for whatever reason, i still can't seem to get you off my mind
i can't forget the way i felt when we looked into each other's eyes
i can't forget how my whole body filled with joy when you smiled

oh how i miss it, but i will never know if you feel the same

screams and nags
violence consumes her home
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

insults after insults
words that can shatter the heart
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

marks left on her skin
cries for help, wishing it could just get better
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

"i love you" doesn't mean anything anymore
it's always been just a lie to her
affection and kindness are all just a mind game, right?

he walks in her life with good intentions
intentions of only to love her
but he becomes afraid once he realizes the darkness she, as a person, entails

she can't help but become hostile
she scares him away, even though she knows her heart longs for him the most
self sabotage is what she does best

he leaves in order to take care of himself
he knows he wouldn't be happy with someone as unstable
but she understands, because that's the only form of love she's ever known

i wish you liked me
the way i liked you
every second my heart is tearing apart
and you don't even seem to care

my best friend
oh how i miss you
every part of my heart breaks
every time i remember how our friendship ended

we can't be friends without your family knowing
i wish i could take everything back
if you were still in my life
things would be different

my beautiful best friend
how i wish i could go back in time
and cherish those last moments with you longer
i miss you so much

i wonder what you would think
if you knew that i wrote poems about you

i was told i overwhelmed you
i overshared my problems
the art of self sabotage is quite interesting isn't it

i was too much for you to handle
guess i wasn't good enough
this pathetic cycle of thinking returned once again

i shouldn't let a silly boy determine my worth
my confidence wavers now though
now i question everything, all because you left

i now spend every night
picking at my every flaw
and hating myself for it, wishing i could change

One wrong move and I step into a hole
Not just any hole
A hellhole
Filled with the darkest things anyone can imagine

I'm falling
I'm amidst the air
Crying for help
Please somebody help me

They all just stare
That's all they ever do anyways
They stare as I fall into the never ending pit of doom
Please somebody help me

I'm almost at the bottom
I look down and there is only flames
No one is there to catch me
Please somebody help me

I'm there
I'm staring up at the sky seeing the faces of those I love
All of whom abandoned me
They never helped me

why do i give so much of my heart
to those who just choose to rip it apart
it's exhausting
and i'm tired of it

i always thought twenty would be an age of maturity
the age of "put-togetherness"
the age of emotional regulation

as i near the age of twenty now,
all i can do is sit back and laugh
how far i still have to go

i still feel like the same little girl who picked at every physical imperfection in front of a mirror
i still get the same sour feeling in my chest when someone criticizes me, i never got better at not caring
i still tap my foot repeatedly as anxiety pulses through my veins in a room full of people

nearing the age of twenty,
i realize i am still consumed by the anxiety i always wished would magically fade with age
mental illness isn't a phase, yet it's something i have to deal with for the rest of my life

His eyes are like a drug
Every time I look into them I can't stop
We stare into each other's eyes for what feels like an eternity
The comfort and warmth I feel from his eyes is something I never knew I needed