there are two types of love i've experienced, but none were everlasting

there is the love that is electric, the chemistry is undeniable
you can spend hours talking to them and not one moment will ever be dull
your mind becomes addicted to this person, they become your drug
you saw forever in that person's eyes the first time you ever looked in

then there is the love that is calm, the chemistry isn't really there though
you love them and would do anything for them, yet that electricity is missing
it's a calm type of love, the kind where you can be your 100% self
you found a best friend, yet it's not the "i see forever with you" type of love

the day i find my soulmate is the day i find both of these things in one person.

am i incapable of falling in love?
they say those who have been extremely damaged are the least likely to fall in love
i mean it makes sense, all of us damaged ones have never been shown what love was
our version of love is being treated like a dog, constantly begging for love

when i found you it was a different type of feeling
part of me knew i'd end up with you though
we've had our bumps but i've learned plenty on this journey
about you and me
we've definitely had to build on each other but we've come a long way

oh how i wish it were you all along
i strongly believe it's the timing of it all
if it was you since the beginning i'm 99% sure falling in love wouldn't be so hard
but unfortunately i had to be damaged a million times before meeting you

they always say the hardest relationship is the one after the toxic one
for so long i've been used to abuse and emotional manipulation,
that now i find myself getting bored when i'm not on that crazy rollercoaster ride, begging for love

but i'm happy i've met you
i just wish it was earlier
if only.

in order to fall in love, do i need to feel butterflies or that burning sensation in my chest?
to feel like i can never get tired of this person no matter what?
to feel constantly like i'm on cloud 9 when im with you?

oh how i yearn to be madly in love with you
i know love cannot be forced though, and the more i try the more it strays away
are we not meant to be or is this a different type of love than im used to?

it used to be easy for me to fall
but time went on and life changed, experienced changed me
i once felt that spark with someone else so it's hard not to compare
but one thing i know for certain is that you make me feel safer than anyone else on this planet can

i would do absolutely anything for you, just to see you happy
there's so much i like about you
so just because you don't give me that feeling, does that mean i will never fall in love with you?

they say there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
it would be sad to think that i can never fall in love with you
but oh how i long for it so much, i just want us to be happy

but in the end, if it cannot be found i will have to let you go
it will break me and change me forever, but i want you happy
that's all i ever wanted
just for you to be happy

and then i realized
only medication or temporary rushes from substances would relieve the pain
the pain of living,
the suffocation of being trapped in a body i feel like i don't belong in
the never ending cycle of anxiety

and so i cried
and i cried so hard until i couldn't breathe
knowing there would never truly be an escape to this thing called life

it all just hits me sometimes, the weight of a million bricks all coming down
one by one
and then by groups
then huge chunks, until i can't breathe anymore

i'm sorry i couldn't be better for you
for everyone
i'm sorry for the burden i've become

i'll get better one day, i promise

the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list

run

like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target

run

the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst

run

in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win

you can't run anymore. the run is over.

i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted

but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you

to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.

i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me

as the years have gone by, i have learned that innocence is a virtue
it should be valued and not so easily thrown away
i wish i kept my innocence longer

being tossed around by men
like an object, pulled and tugged by them while their hands were all over me
has affected me in ways i can't even explain

although some of them did have genuine intentions,
it's the sole fact that i have been intimate with so many
any act of romance is now meaningless to me

but when i saw you for the first time
i instantly felt so connected and drawn to you, weirdly enough
you felt different, even though i had never spoken to you

finally we meet, and everything was perfect
conversations flowing naturally, and you had the most perfect face
i would admire you as you spoke, knowing i hadn't felt this way in a long time

time goes by, and i realize you're not perfect
and i noticed flaws in you i just couldn't stand
you revealed yourself as the type of person i hate most

but in those moments when everything was perfect, i didn't see that in you
and it's still hard for me to accept who you really are
maybe you are lost right now

because when you held my face, while i spoke about vulnerable topics
you made me feel so safe in your arms
how could the you i saw in the end really be you?

was it toxic of me to expect you to fight for me?
i left because i knew the version of you i thought you were, didn't exist
but i can't wrap my head around the fact that that will be the last time we speak
a simple 3 minute call

the silence was so loud
you said nothing, you didn't even ask why
as if you wanted me gone already
i wish things had gone differently

eating ramen while sitting across each other
spending quality time together, for the first time in years
just you and i, how it always used to be when i was young
and for the first time in years, i enjoyed our time together

oh dad how i miss you
when you were my best friend
i miss when we'd laugh at nothing
and all the inside jokes we had

i don't want to hold on to this hatred against you anymore
i can't hate the man that used to be my other half
no matter what you do to me, as much as i hate to admit it
you'll always mean so much to me

like the leaves on a tree that fall each year
when skies become darker, the world becoming more frigid
they slowly detach themselves from me
eventually i'm left with none in the end

each leaving my life for a different reason
a possible circumstance, or maybe they just grew tired of me
for each and every person there's always a different reason
the outcome is never different though

but then the spring comes around
a fresh start, new leaves begin to grow
and everything will return back to normal
however, the cycle will always repeat itself

preparing months for an exam
for a number that supposedly determines your worth
******* up to teachers, people you don't even like
just for them to hopefully write a few commendable words about you

all for the hopes of being deemed "acceptable" to some supposed authority
for a place that will decide what you'll be doing for the rest of your life
making these drastic decisions at the age of 18
when not too long ago you were just picking out your prom dress

listing down any type of hobby or recreation you have
to make yourself seem a little more unique
since the competitiveness between you and your peers is sharper than a knife
who will make the final cut in the end and be deemed worthy?

stuck in an endless cycle of criticism
just to avoid the mere idea of being hurt
the idea of letting someone fully into my heart, just to take another piece of it away?
it's something my mind and heart cannot fathom yet again

is my judgement something that can be seen as egotistical?
funny how i hate myself so much, yet try to hold you to such a high standard
but i know love cannot be formed in this manner
love isn't about changing someone into what you want
but rather about accepting and loving them for who they are

my mind judges the immaturity you have, like any other teenage boy
or the way you aren't my ideal person, academically
yet i admire the way you talk about your passions
or how you kiss me until i feel okay again
maybe that's what matters more

meeting you was unexpectedly refreshing
i thought it would go south, i even prepared an "escape" plan
i took a chance though, and for the very first time in a while i enjoyed myself
but mainly, i enjoyed being with you

of course you don't feel exactly like him, which was expected
"is that okay though?" i often ask myself this
every person will feel different of course - i mean that's what they all say
and the spark i felt with him was rare, almost as if he was my soulmate

maybe crazy, intense feelings aren't always good though
maybe feeling like your heart is being torn into shreds every second you're not with someone isn't ideal
all for the feeling that you've supposedly "known someone your whole life"?
is the insanity that comes with it really worth it?

however i feel comfortable with you
i feel something good can maybe come out of this
maybe comfort and security is what is more important in a relationship
rather than the chemistry you have with someone else

i often compare myself to a backpack
a really heavy backpack, that's hard to carry
for that's how i feel that my friends think of me
just another burden to carry around

how do you get rid of heavy backpacks?
well you can't just throw the whole thing away, you take things out slowly
that's what they did, ripping parts of me away
until i was left numb, with barely anything left in me

people end up throwing unwanted backpacks away sometimes
they'll either donate it or straight up dispose of it in the trash
just like they'll send me away, in hopes of never seeing me again
or they'll straight up abandon me, like most have done anyways

i'm so sick of being the unwanted backpack.

i feel that for so long i've been this rock
one that is made is bedrock - impossible to break through
there's nothing that anyone or anything could do to change me
i'm simply just a lost cause

i reminsce on the days i was able to feel
i was able to feel such a strong amount of emotions, which had its cons
but at least i was able to feel
somehow i became everything i thought i never would be

is there any hope for me? i wonder
will i ever be the same again? i wonder
did he break me, or did everyone have a part in this? i wonder
maybe it's time to accept that there's no turning back now

what a journey today was
it was as if everything i envisioned became a reality
sitting in the passenger seat, watching your ****** expressions as you spoke
reminiscent of the times our lips would interlock
reminiscent of when my gaze would be fixated on that smile of yours

it must be illegal, to even think of such a thought
because you were the one who hurt me most
yet today, speaking as if we were best friends felt so comfortable
it felt as if time never passed
speaking of our distant memories of when we were together
as if it was some form of amusement only we could understand

the fact i'm even writing about you feels illegal
but i can't help but think about how it felt looking in your eyes today
the same pair of eyes i once used to think belonged to the man i loved
i was freshly fifteen at the time, but my heart felt so attached to you
and the fact that i'm an ice cold stone now, who can't feel anything, surprises me more

or so i think

i've waited over a year just to finally hear you say that you miss me
the little girl in me who was once severely attached to you is rejoicing
but the woman i am now is disgusted by this subconscious thought

how could i have any excitement to hear that from the one who traumatized me?
the one who took away my innocence
the one who violated me in the worst ways possible,
and treated me as if i was worth nothing

how could i even have a faint hope for a reunion?
how could i even consider associating myself with you?
why do i have any curiosity of wondering what kissing you again would be like?
why do i deep down long for a face-to-face conversation with you again?

do i not respect myself?
is it a subconscious or intrusive thought?
do i long for closure after all this time?
or do i just long for a chance to talk to you again?

if only you knew all the nights i spent hating myself
for thinking of him while i was with you
if only you knew i barely ate for days
because i couldn't understand why i felt empty every time we kissed
if only you knew the endless apology letters i had written
because i couldn't forgive myself for hurting you
until this day, i still can't

how could you think i never cared
how could you think i never tried
how could you think i purposely had ill intentions
how could you think of me this way,
when all i ever did was **** myself for you
but a million "i'm sorry's" will never repair the damage i've caused

an out of body experience it was meeting you
looking into your eyes, lost in the endless shimmer they gave off
a single touch from you was like a touch from the heavens
sparks flying just from a single conversation
everything changed the moment i met you

just as quick as it happened was as quick as it was gone
you left and took a part of me with you
a part that i will never get back again
oh how i miss her
everything changed the moment you left

months go by and my heart still asks about you
deep down i always knew you were my soulmate
but it felt dramatic to say that, however now i know it's true
no one can ever make me feel the way you did
everything is different now

my feet touched the bottom of the ocean, i felt the cool sand tickle my toes
swim as fast as you can
flailing my arms and legs and quickly as possible, in hopes to make it in time
swim as fast as you can
the air inside my lungs is crushing me
swim as fast as you can
there's still a few more feet to go, although the water escapes into every hole of my body
swim as fast as you can
falling back down, there's no energy left to get back up
swim as fast as you can
suspended amidst the deep blue, unable to move my limbs
just try to swim
thinking about them and their damage, causing lacerating pains in my heart
i give up

displaying a badly painted portrait of myself to the public
just so that i can be picked on, as i predicted
self-sabotage isn't just a bad habit, but a disease
the only cure to it is self-love, but that's something i can never seem to reach

possibly the pain became too addicting
or i'm afraid of change, i'm afraid to be loved
after all i can never accept the fact that i am loved in the first place
i'm so used to mistreatment, for it's the only form of love i know

don't put your hair back like that, your ears will show
don't talk to everyone about your problems, nobody cares
don't post that picture with her, you'll look like the ugly friend
don't even try competing with her, you don't even compare
you know you're not good enough

don't talk too much, nobody likes a chatter-box
don't talk too little though, nobody likes a boring person
don't smile like that, you'll show too much of your gums
don't laugh like that, you seem so obnoxious
you know you're not good enough

don't open up to explain your trauma, everyone thinks you're dramatic
don't do your makeup like that, no one likes a cake-face
don't wear those jeans, you're showing too much skin
don't just kiss him without doing anything more, you'll be called a *****

"please get out of my head" but i'm telling you the truth
"please leave me alone" i know the harsh reality is hard to accept
"i know you're telling me lies" no it's your intuition, just trust it
"maybe you're right, i am not good enough" exactly, finally you understood

it's ironic isn't it?
how you always manage to come back right when i think i moved on
oh but 8 months have gone by since we last were together
yet my heart still stops when we lock eyes
true feelings never fade i guess
my love, nothing could ever change the way i feel about you

it's funny looking back at how much you broke me
because now i can't feel a single thing for anyone anymore
but the thought of you has faded now
i just wonder when i'll get to feel that way again

she knows he hates her
she can feel the resentment from a mile away

non-stop thinking about him turns into nightmares
waking her up everyday at 3am
she can't go back to sleep

her mistakes haunt her every night
and she hates herself for it, and can't seem to forgive herself

addictions are hard to overcome
maybe that's why it is so hard to get over you
because to me, you were my drug

it took her months to come to this realization
but one day it just hit her, and it hit her like a brick
that even if he did come back as a new, changed person
nothing could ever repair the damage he's caused
and at that moment she knew nothing would ever be the same again

laying in his arms, huddled up right beside his chest
next thing you know we're kissing, while he's touching my breast
grabbing onto my waist, his hand running down my back
he's playing with my hair, while whispering down my neck

sirens going off in my brain, telling me to run
"run as fast as you can, you are not the only one"
his touch was an indicator for me to leave, but i didn't know how
temporary affection is what held me back, so i thought "it's only for now"

his hand was like a vacuum, every touch ****** bits of my soul away
i knew deep down his desire for my body was the reason he wanted to stay
the more he said he "fell" for me, the more i became sweaty
sweaty with genuine anxiety, for the fact that all i felt was empty

i gave every reason i could to leave but he twisted each excuse in his own way
"it's just a phase of emptiness & numbness you're going through, please stay"
every opportunity i grasped onto to escape
just led to me having my mouth covered with tape

not even self sabotage could free me from his control
so i decided to permanently walk away, but in my heart remained a hole
i constantly asked myself why i stayed when i couldn't feel a connection
but i realized he gave me what daddy didn't: just some affection

i wonder what you would think
if you knew that i wrote poems about you

i thought you were done with her
i thought it was finally the end
i really thought soon it could be my turn, but now i'm not so sure

i'm so tired of waiting for you
tired of waiting for something that most likely won't happen
but i can't let go of the thought

you were the only one who made me feel that way
the most heartbreaking part is that the feeling was nowhere near reciprocated
instead, you fell that way for her

it's been 6 months it's been since i last saw you
who knew that would be the last time i'd be able to be in your presence
to be able to stare into your eyes, smiling at nothing
who knew that you would be the one to steal my heart, just to break it

it's been 6 months and i tried moving on, i really did
removing you from my life, to the point of blocking you on everything
making sure that you were avoided at all costs
and that you could never have access to me again

it's been 6 months and i'm still not over you
the truth is, no one else compares
no one can compare the feeling i felt when i was with you
they say anyone is replaceable and can be forgotten, but that's not the case

it's been 6 months and i miss you
i hate to admit it but i do, i truly miss you
i miss your laugh and being able to talk to you
and i would do almost anything just to do it all over again

her lost gem, she couldn't seem to find it for months
it was a rare one, expensive too
she treasured it most
until suddenly it was not in the pockets of her jeans anymore the next day

she lost her mind trying to look for it
searching all over her house
even in public places she frequently visited
but it was no where to be found

it was only until months later she saw it again
but with someone else
the gem was no longer hers
and her self loathe grew even more

"how could i be so irresponsible" is what she thought
"if i could go back to the night before i lost it and made sure it was there this would never have happened"
everyday from there on, she wished she could go back in time

she wishes the one who took it would lose it, so somehow it could come back to her
maybe she would find the gem laying around by her house again
she constantly got her hopes up every time she would see a gem
but it was not the same one, it was simply a clone

whenever she'd take a closer look at the gem's look-a-likes, she realized it was only an illusion
they didn't have the same shimmer as the real one
they didn't feel the same
the edges were rough and they weren't even real, they would break apart

she misses her gem, and she knew nothing else would compare to it

pouring all the water in the glass, till the glass starts spilling out everywhere
this happens every time she drinks from it
she's fully aware of it, but allows it to keep spilling
wetting her shirt, the floor, and the table
drops on her skin racing to the floor, trying to beat gravity

meanwhile they were in front, watching all of it
wondering why she isn't doing anything to stop it
second-hand embarrassment is what they felt
for the fact that she can't simply drink a glass of water without spilling it all
"what a mess" they thought

nobody wanted to be around that girl
"stupid" and "strange" are words that were used to describe her
because at such an older age, how can she not drink a glass of water?
how can she not control herself?
how does she not think about how uncomfortable it is for others to watch?

she knew what was happening, but continued to let it happen
she watched as everyone judged her, but still kept on going
is it inconsideration or self sabotage?
she wanted to see if they would see past that
but in the end, she realized that was what she was defined as

beneath the pit of my soul
a flame lacerates my skin
the anger, the frustration, the confusion
of you not being here anymore
when my gut told me for sure, that you were the one

love is a scary game they say
but i was never scared to try with you

it's so hard to forget
someone i knew i would've fallen in love with

her hair shines like the sea glimmering in the sun
flawless, radiant skin with a beaming smile
her eyes are like a trap, once you're reeled in all you can do is stare in awe
how i wish i could be her

boys treat her with respect, that's for sure
effortlessly gorgeous they say, even when she wakes up in the morning
she's the girl who everyone stops to stare at
how i wish i could be her

i see the way they talk about her
the respect and humility they have whenever they're in her presence
especially the way he looks at her, for some reason i envy
how i wish i could be her

she calls herself ugly
but i never will understand why
she's perfect in every way
oh how i wish i could be her

it's hard to say out loud
or admit to anyone
that my heart still thinks of you
because not one person
can make me feel the spark i felt when i was with you

oh but every time you left
you took a piece of me with you
and now
that part of me is all gone

you say you want me back and you're sorry for pushing me away
you were scared of getting hurt
and you felt an overwhelming amount of emotion while you were with me
you didn't know how to handle it

but as the days go by you miss me more and more
you wish you never let me go because you can't find the spark anywhere else
and because you know i was such a rare find
so you hate yourself for running away

but then i woke up.

"i hate him"
but i still think about you, for some reason

"i never want to see him again"
i'm scared that when i see you again, it'll all come back

"he means nothing to me"
but you were everything to me

screams and nags
violence consumes her home
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

insults after insults
words that can shatter the heart
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

marks left on her skin
cries for help, wishing it could just get better
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

"i love you" doesn't mean anything anymore
it's always been just a lie to her
affection and kindness are all just a mind game, right?

he walks in her life with good intentions
intentions of only to love her
but he becomes afraid once he realizes the darkness she, as a person, entails

she can't help but become hostile
she scares him away, even though she knows her heart longs for him the most
self sabotage is what she does best

he leaves in order to take care of himself
he knows he wouldn't be happy with someone as unstable
but she understands, because that's the only form of love she's ever known

it's unfair it's unfair
she has a heart of gold
but they treat her like she's just like anyone else

it's unfair it's unfair
she pours her soul into everyone she cares for
but they just leave her to rot in the flames

it's unfair it's unfair
she still has a heart after being wronged so many times
but they just keep doing it to her

i'm practically on my hands and knees, Lord
begging for a sign
of whether i should stay or go

by holding onto you
i'm failing my friends
i'm failing my family
but worst of all, i'm failing myself

the more i try holding on to you
the more my heart breaks
my love for you is screaming inside me and i'm trying to hold it in
because i'm not sure if you feel the same
did you mean all you said to me?
or has it just been a game all along

every time i think about us
i remember the way we smiled while looking into each other's eyes
but every time i realize you're no longer here
my eyes well up
and become flooded with a pool of tears

my heart stings and longs for you
i just don't know why i wasn't enough for you to stay
i miss you so much
maybe you'll come back some day

but was the feeling ever mutual?
i fear that maybe you just never felt the spark like i did.