there are two types of love i've experienced, but none were everlasting

there is the love that is electric, the chemistry is undeniable
you can spend hours talking to them and not one moment will ever be dull
your mind becomes addicted to this person, they become your drug
you saw forever in that person's eyes the first time you ever looked in

then there is the love that is calm, the chemistry isn't really there though
you love them and would do anything for them, yet that electricity is missing
it's a calm type of love, the kind where you can be your 100% self
you found a best friend, yet it's not the "i see forever with you" type of love

the day i find my soulmate is the day i find both of these things in one person.

am i incapable of falling in love?
they say those who have been extremely damaged are the least likely to fall in love
i mean it makes sense, all of us damaged ones have never been shown what love was
our version of love is being treated like a dog, constantly begging for love

when i found you it was a different type of feeling
part of me knew i'd end up with you though
we've had our bumps but i've learned plenty on this journey
about you and me
we've definitely had to build on each other but we've come a long way

oh how i wish it were you all along
i strongly believe it's the timing of it all
if it was you since the beginning i'm 99% sure falling in love wouldn't be so hard
but unfortunately i had to be damaged a million times before meeting you

they always say the hardest relationship is the one after the toxic one
for so long i've been used to abuse and emotional manipulation,
that now i find myself getting bored when i'm not on that crazy rollercoaster ride, begging for love

but i'm happy i've met you
i just wish it was earlier
if only.

in order to fall in love, do i need to feel butterflies or that burning sensation in my chest?
to feel like i can never get tired of this person no matter what?
to feel constantly like i'm on cloud 9 when im with you?

oh how i yearn to be madly in love with you
i know love cannot be forced though, and the more i try the more it strays away
are we not meant to be or is this a different type of love than im used to?

it used to be easy for me to fall
but time went on and life changed, experienced changed me
i once felt that spark with someone else so it's hard not to compare
but one thing i know for certain is that you make me feel safer than anyone else on this planet can

i would do absolutely anything for you, just to see you happy
there's so much i like about you
so just because you don't give me that feeling, does that mean i will never fall in love with you?

they say there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
it would be sad to think that i can never fall in love with you
but oh how i long for it so much, i just want us to be happy

but in the end, if it cannot be found i will have to let you go
it will break me and change me forever, but i want you happy
that's all i ever wanted
just for you to be happy

and then i realized
only medication or temporary rushes from substances would relieve the pain
the pain of living,
the suffocation of being trapped in a body i feel like i don't belong in
the never ending cycle of anxiety

and so i cried
and i cried so hard until i couldn't breathe
knowing there would never truly be an escape to this thing called life

it all just hits me sometimes, the weight of a million bricks all coming down
one by one
and then by groups
then huge chunks, until i can't breathe anymore

i'm sorry i couldn't be better for you
for everyone
i'm sorry for the burden i've become

i'll get better one day, i promise

the piercing screams of insults
ones that became engraved in your subconscious
just to be written in the back of your heart with a knife
another scar to add to your extensive list

run

like a plane crashing to the floor, millions of pieces breaking off in the air
similarly to how she always manages to fall apart in the most volatile way
each level of insanity leading to another part of my body becoming a target
she always manages to find another target

run

the wrath consuming me
years of pent up frustration, i eventually become my own worst enemy
all because of what? someone else's words? some insane person's actions?
but i can't control it, i can't help it, i can't do anything but think of the worst

run

in my fantasy, i'm soaring through the night sky
while a multitude of lights are shining beneath me
knowing my end, knowing my impending doom
but in that moment, i know she can't hurt me anymore - so i win

you can't run anymore. the run is over.

i knew deep down that the person in the picture wasn't really you
but in my fantasy you were everything i had ever wanted

but oh how i miss being held in your arms
in distressful times such as these, i find myself wanting to run to you

to feel your embrace
to feel your presence
to have the warmth of your cheeks pressed against my mine
when you ran your hand through my hair, reassuring me
that everything would be okay in the end
but it wasn't.

i quickly remind myself who you really were in the end
the disappointment still consumes me