“I remember her saying
that she was really tired..
I asked her if I could do anything
she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said:
no I’m okay :)
——
then I gave
her a hug goodbye
but I guess it really was
bye that time

because the next time I saw her
she was in a casket..”

my head scares me
yelling at myself in the car
I am so done
hitting the steering wheel over and over
I am losing it
salt water dripping down cheeks
food
food
food
makes
me hate
myself
it all comes
back to how
I am the problem
why feed the problem
starve the problem
its your choice
fat or thin?
I have so much to be grateful for
I dont know why I feel like this
I am fat
I'm just done

Isnt it weird to think that we will never live this exact moment ever again
Slowly we age and all we have left are memories of what these moments felt like.
Pictures
Songs
Letters
They bring back more than memories they bring back feelings.
Which is good and bad depending on the memory.

"You're better now right?"
"Yes."
That is the biggest lie
You can't just get better from suicide.
You can't just get better from depression.
It always sits there haunting you.
Waiting for you to fail
Again
And
again
And
Again

Red yellow orange
Breaking up the plain surface
Dripping from above

I’m sitting in this class watching a teacher talk but I’m not hearing any words
I’m trying to process, trying to try to see the point
What are we doing here because we certainly aren’t learning ****
I’m looking at my empty computer screen
I put my name and class number at the top, align right, double space
I put my name at the top because I’m in college
Because in college you write papers
College makes you smarter
The world sees college as success
And I care about looking successful
Because that’s all that matters
This life is all about pretending
Pretending to learn all these subjects to earn a piece of paper that says you can jump through hoops
It’s about pretending to care about living
Pretending that the marks on your arms are from the cat that you don’t own
College is *******
And yet I’m still going to spend time and money getting this degree
Because this is success
And that’s what life’s about
Appearing successful

I'm fine.
I'm not dead.
I'm not really sad.
I really can function.
I get A's.
I love my family.
I can sleep sometimes.
I can still laugh at funny things.
I still smile at flowers and rivers.
I like dancing.
I can hold a conversation.
I don't lie..much.
I only lie if I don't want to hurt you.
I say "I" too much..sorry.
I am eating.
I'm okay.
Don't worry.

The suns seems happy and bright
But what if its not
What if it's just told to be that way
It just doesn't know how to be cold
Its so used to being bright
People expect it to be that way
The sun has a purpose
It can't let all of us down
It has to keep shining
For us.

cutting over fresh cuts hurts like hell
but I always end up doing it
because I deserve the hurt
I deserve to redamage myself
It's like when someone hits close to home
or when someone is kicking you when you're already down
I am just doing it to myself.

I am a nervous person
I am scared of failure
Yet I tell myself that I fail every day
I am scared of success also
cause with success comes pressure
I hate being under pressure.
I want someone who can look at me and tell me to breathe
I want someone to hold me and tell me that it is going to be okay
I want someone who gets me
I just need a friend
a friend without an opinion
a friend who will just love me
It would be nice if this friend was a boy
It would be nice if we could jam out to music
It would be nice if he would go on adventures
I guess that I want a happily ever after
except happily ever after's don't happen to suicidal depressed girls.

Whats hard about life is that you don't get a time out or a chance to catch your breath.
You have to keep playing.
Life isn't like a game.

I was looking at this piece of broken glass and I started laughing
Because me and that piece of glass have a lot in common.
I used to be
S H I N Y
Now I'm
d u l l.
I used to be apart of something
Now I'm just pieces.
I used to make up maybe
A window  A door  Art  Stained glass.
Now instead I'm just broken pieces.
People used to be able to look through me and enjoy the view on the other side.
Now people only see the dust and lies and filth and brokenness of me.
I'm trying to piece
m y s e l f    back together.
But I know that it's too late.

I stare at the shattered glass on the floor.
Why hasn't it broken before.
Maybe it was tired of getting
Touched
Bumped
Dropped
Used.
If I were the glass I would have shattered too.
I think in a way I am the glass
Shattered on the floor.
There's only pieces of me left.
Be careful parts of me are sharp
Sweep me up with a broom
Let the world devour me.
Let me poke little holes in the trash bag.
I may be pieces
But I never disappeared
completely

Eyes open
Feet on the floor
Stop to look in the mirror
Step on the scale
Cringe
Brush teeth
Avoid eye contact with
Ugly/*****/worthless/sad/girl
Close the door behind you
T shirt + leggings + converse
Eyes watering
Breakfast//no breakfast//fat//skip it
Keys
Open door
Turn on ignition
And drive away.

This is just getting out the door in the morning. It's getting harder everyday.

I don't know why growing up is so hard for me.
Maybe it's because things are already so painfully real to me..
people say that after highschool life gets real.
I don't know if I will be able to handle life if it gets more real.
Everyone who grows up changes.
I want to change, I hate who I am.
But I think that I will change for the worse.
I think that's why growing up is so scary for me.
I don't want to keep changing this way.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

I feel guilty
I have no right to feel like this
I have no real reason to
write poems like this
I don't know when I started to
enjoy being alone more than with company
Nothing happened
Nothing changed,
Except me.

I am trying to love myself but I hate trying to love myself cause I hate myself.

FEB 2020
sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly
it shouldn’t have happened this way
this ******* up ****** up way

i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted
i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21
i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18
i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16

but hey,
it happened.
and life seems to just happen
right now everything is flying by.
i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it
but it’s insane
how has it been so long.

i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces,
the closer you get to the bottom
the quieter it gets
there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom -
watching the rippling water
and for once,
everything is quiet.

but you can’t inhale under water-
so your time there is limited.

you have to go back to the surface
you have to gasp for air -
you have to continue living in the real world
with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves

and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool.

life finally starts to make sense -
when you’re watching the world
from below the surface.

You are crying for help.
You need help
You think I can help..
Its 2:00am
I get a text
I get a call
  I can't help you
  I wont let myself.
I'm sorry I'm so broken.
I try and give you comfort.
   No one was there to comfort me.
I try to be your friend.
   I didn't even have a friend.
I want you to trust me.
  I don't even trust myself.
Everytime I try to help I make it worse.
I can't help you.
I will hurt you.
Part of me knows you can do it.
I did.
I love you.
But I can't help you.
Sorry.
Bye now.

When I was 12
I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain,
we were over looking the painted landscape

I remember looking at our feet in the empty air
and I asked my older sister:
“do you ever just want to jump..?”

She nodded and replied with:
“yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..”

and that is the first time..
that I realized that my head was different.

Because while she was
thinking of jumping to fly..
I was thinking of jumping to die..

and that’s when I started hiding my head lol
followed by a life of hiding self destruction.

Hi there.
Sometimes it hurts to think.
I'm driving around in my hometown
I saw this old park that me and my friends would run and laugh and play at all the time.
We played cops and robbers
Lava Monster
Freeze tag
We acted like knights in strong armor and princesses with glittery dresses and we all slayed the dragons
Well now here I am staring at this old swing set that no one swings on anymore.
I used to think that I could touch the clouds with my feet if I swung high enough.
There is something so lively about a group of kids laughing and playing on a playground.
There is something so eerie about an old empty playground where no one goes.
That playground used to be so alive.
Now the swing creaks as it sways in the slight breeze.
You can almost hear faint whispers of the kids laughing from years before.
Now all those kids are adults with lives and responsibilities that are much more important than slaying a dragon.
The wood has splinters that get stuck in your fingers.
It is not shiny and fun anymore.
It used to be new
But I have found that everything changes eventually.
I wish people didn't leave so unexpectedly.
Anyways I am just rambling
but next time you see a playground
just try to look away.
it hurts to think too long
Bye.

If you feel hungry
Drink water.
Drink as much water as you can.
Still hungry?
Go take a shower.
Take four showers for all I care.
Still hungry?
Draw a picture.
Paint your toenails.
Do anything except eat.
Someone just offered you food.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to eat it?
Are you going to waste your whole day?
Eating doesn't help anything.
You aren't even hungry.
You are the problem.
Why would you make yourself fatter?
Why feed the problem?
Stop.
Put it down.
Say no.

This is what I go through every single day.
I am getting so tired.
It *****.

It hurts
Looking back at what I had
It hurts
Knowing that I am getting worse
It hurts
Understanding grown up things
It hurts
Standing on the scale
It hurts
When words drip from your skin
It hurts
To live with a mask
It hurts when everyone tells you that you need help but help only makes things worse.

Overcast
Blended sea with the sky
She wondered why her tears reminded her of the ocean.
How they would flow in waves
High tide is at night
That's when the demons come out to surf
Through her head
Through the waves
Water
Salt
Empty
Stepping into the water she blended in.
Her mind couldn't tell the difference
She was the same
That's all she ever was
Gray
Mist
Clouds
The black storm clouds drift in through her ears and settle in her mind
Rain falls down her cheeks
She is sick of trying
Trying to be blue in a world that is so gray.

Are you okay?
Are you feeling alright?
What is wrong?
Why don't you talk to me anymore?
You changed
Are you better now?

Yes I'm okay
I want to die still but I'm okay.
My head is wrong I'm wrong the scale is wrong the mirror is wrong.
I get anxiety when I talk to people now,
It's not just you.
I changed because my head tried to **** me.
I am so much better.
I'm good.
I just want to cut tonight
I just want to die tonight
I just want to puke tonight
But I can't
Cause I promised my parents I wouldn't.
I want to self destruct.
"Try coping skills"
Coloring a picture is not getting rid of my head.
I can't deal with you. My head is my head and you don't understand it. No one does. Im a screwup.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
I am broken.
Okay I'm sorry
I need to grow up but I can't and I want to die
I don't want to try and grow up.
Mom I'm tired so tired and I need a break.
I need to breathe.
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have to keep trying
Keep living.
This is really hard.

I hate being unsure
I hate not knowing what I should be doing
I hate living life just slipping by
I don't know why I need medicine
I think that life hurts and we numb it
life is not supposed to be easy
life is not supposed to be a merry go round
life is supposed to be messy and tricky and hard
Driving until I escape everything is honestly what I feel like doing
I feel like hiding until someone cares enough to find me
I also feel like I am supposed to be dancing
I am supposed to be trying harder
I don't know what I need to do
But I am going to keep going
Maybe I ******* up this year
Maybe life is not supposed to be like this
I am rethinking life in general
I need to stop playing it safe.

i have found that my head goes too deep.
i can’t stop thinking about how sad it is that every single day i will keep waking up.

right now i’m sitting in my car
going on three hours.
it’s raining.
it is currently 12:23am
and i can’t get myself to go inside.

most people’s heads are
similar to
rivers
or lakes
or ponds
some deeper than others depending on who.

it’s much easier to see the bottom of shallow waters.
it is also much easier to stay afloat
and usually you’re closer to an edge.

the deeper it gets,
the harder it is to see through
and the longer it takes to get to a shoreline.

i tend to drown in the ocean of my mind.

i think one reason why the ocean appears beautiful is because of the mystery of what could be below.
also because the reflection of the sky on the water is simply incredible.
we all reflect normality, which is the sky.
it’s still beautiful but everyone can see it by just glancing up.

but most people can tell that there is more to us than just what reflects off the water,
but they don’t know what.

often times people are terrified but also incredibly intrigued by a mystery.

us with deep minds are often seen as beautiful,
we tend to make beautiful art because we have so much beneath the surface.

so many undrawn pictures
so many lyrics not written
so many movements not choreographed

people love to see us trace the shadows that are deep in our minds.

we paint theses things hoping that then maybe - just maybe - they could get it.
or at least part of it.

we create art so people can see pieces of things that they don’t see for themselves
and things that they can’t see from above the surface,

the surface of the water.
the surface of our head.

it’s dark when you go deep in the ocean
harder for the sun to reach
like my mind.

it has spots where the light reaches
but also areas that have never seen the light of day.
it can be scary and disorienting.

i honestly want to die.

but no matter how hard the day is,
i still wake up tomorrow.
we will all most likely make it to tomorrow.

that’s all we’ve ever done,
or else we would be dead.

sometimes i wish my mind was a body of shallow water instead of a complex ocean.
it would be so much easier to understand and be understood.

but i don’t have a simple head.
so i will keep writing **** that doesn’t make sense to anyone and i will keep waking up tomorrow.

i have yet to not make it to tomorrow.
i find is so sad,
and i’m still struggling at coming to terms with it.

The first time I rode in an airplane I was twelve, and I couldn’t stop looking out the window at how beautiful everything was from the sky.
I still feel that same way, no matter how many airplanes I go on I will still be that excited.
No matter how many times I see Fireworks, sunsets, the ocean, the mountains, city lights.. none of those things never get old.
Whenever you hold me it feels like the time we cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Whenever you tell me you love me I feel like it’s the first time, I feel so safe and close and it doesn’t get old.
I figured out that I feel everything so deep, and I don’t get bored of things I love.
When I fall in love with something I will never stop loving it.
It will make me happy every single time.
I find joy in the small things that a lot of people just pass by without a thought.
You tend to let those moments and things slip away and I always try to remind you how it felt
Remind you of those times we felt so close, but you won’t remember
I don’t know if you even can remember.
You want to move on to different memories
Because our memories aren’t enough anymore.
If you’re not happy with yourself then every girl is going to feel wrong. It’s not me and you. It’s you.

I'm just tired.
Tired of wanting things
Tired of crying
Tired of thinking
Tired of pretending.
I'm just tired and I need a break
I just can't seem to find anything that's a break for me.
Its hard.
I'm getting done..
I need some sleep
But I can't.

I had a dream
I was in an empty room
Staring at a girl
I started to think about this girls  l i f e.
I started to wonder if she was  h a p p y.
I started to ask myself why she was
there.
In this pointless room.
Doing so much of  
e v e r y t h i n g  
but practically
n o t h i n g.
I don't know how to explain it.
I knew most the answers because I'm the girl standing in the pointless room.
But I wonder why I didn't know all the answers.
I'm that girl.
I should know.
But I don't.

Isn't it funny how you can fall in and out of love with someone so fast?
Isn't it funny how one smile can make your day
Isn't it funny how fast you can change your mind
One minute your okay
the next you aren't the same person
like there is a switch in your head
I can see it flip
and that is when you scare me
I love you so much
I don't think I can do it anymore
I don't have a choice
I am trying to fall out of love with you
except have you ever tried falling out of a trench?
cause you can't.
I will just sit here and take it
cause what choice do I have..
Isn't it funny how you can hurt me so much
but I can still love you.

January is new
A fresh start.
A time when you ponder life.
Where were you a year ago?
Where will you be a year from now?
You can only hope not here.
Not feeling like this.
This year has been hell.
You know I don't think I can go one more.
I guess we will see.
January is a fresh start to a mess.
Good luck.

Last January I wanted to die.
This January I want to die
Nothing has changed
But at the same time everything has.

I found some jeans in my closet
They are from last year
I got really excited
I decided to try them on
They didn't fit over my thighs
It really made me cry
I know I have gained weight
These jeans are just another reason why
I am going to give starving another try.
I will fit into those jeans
Even if I die trying.
They hang in my closet with a smile
Just mocking me as I stuff my face with food. They are killing me. I'm killing me. Food is not worth it.

I am obsessed with becoming a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, I don't want to hate myself anymore
I will keep drinking zero calorie sparkling water and doing sit ups until my stomach aches and smiling through the painful runs
because **** it
its going to be worth it
I don't need the dinner roll
I don't need the candy
I just need to be proud of my body.
I am on a journey to being healthy, and it may be a little bit twisted but it will end good, I just know it.

I try to write.
I am trying to vent.
But my head is tangled
I can't brush it out without pulling my brain with it.
How do I say this
I'm done I'm really done.
I don't know how I'm going to make it
I am lost
I feel really low
I don't know what to do anymore.
I am just typing
My ankle stings
I just relapsed
Yay
Well anyway
Hopefully I don't die
Or do
I don't care
Okay until next time
Or not
Bye

the last rose
the shattered rose
ripped apart
petals scattered
he loves me
he loves me not
she has been trying
attempting
to put this back together
to reattach the petals
thread staples glue
the flower is a mess
because once a flower dies
it won't grow anymore
but this doesn't stop her from trying
she waters it with salt water
streaming from her eyes
its an impossible task
but she wont accept reality
he killed the relationship
he killed her

I remember when I would help with dinner at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would always have me cut up vegetables.
He always told me I was holding the knife the wrong way, he didn't want me to hurt myself.
He would hold my hand and help me cut the vegetables so I would learn.
Well now that I'm older I dont need help.
Now that I'm older I avoid dinner.
I know how to hold knives.
The difference is that now I don't care how I hold it.
I am so careless.
Cause when I put it to my paper skin and watch the Ink fall out I just keep thinking about how my grandpa would remind me to hold it right so I don't cut myself and he would put his big hand over mine and show me how to do it the right way so I don't hurt myself.
But grandpa  now that I'm older that's all I use knives for.

Pictures are just moments
Moments bring back memories
Memories bring back feelings
Feelings bring back people
People are this life.
So next time you look at a picture try to look for the layers.
Cause they are there.
You just have to look.

I don't think I'm okay with you filling in the space between my fingers.
It scares me that I could ruin such a beautiful thing with one sentence.
I don't like things that begin
Because they always have to have an end.
What goes up must come down
I hate the coming down part.
So let's not begin
Let's never start so that we
Never
Have
To stop.

I love the darkness
It feels comfortable
happy is fake
my smile is fading
mom, I am trying
I truly am.
but nothing is helping and I don't want to talk to you
I can't talk to you
cause if I told you how bad it is you wouldn't let me live
I would live with so many limitations
which is not living
lying is freedom
I ******* hate myself
I have ******* up
I wish I didn't ***** up my life
mom I don't like where I'm going to end up
so I just want to die
I'm sorry
but I cant live anywhere anymore

Sparkling dresses. Fake smiles. Loud music. Dancing. Pointless hellos.
lipstick
Blood. Bathtub. Sink. Curling iron. Water.
Goodbye written across the mirror in
lipstick
Black dresses. Fake comfort. Loud silence. Staring. Lasting goodbyes. Death.
lipstick.

Open your eyes
look at the ceiling,
okay just see it.
Walk outside and watch the sky
how it exists for you.
Honestly life is just about existing.
Put your toes in the scratchy grass,
think of all the bugs that might be underneath you,
they are just existing.
Watch as the flowers dance in the wind
they are performing for you.
The world is on your side.
Society is not,
but the world is.
put down the magazine
put down the phone
put down the calorie tracker
put down the social media.
lets go outside so that we can breathe
so that we can just simply exist.

Sometimes I get lost
I get lost in my head
In my mind
In my brain
Sometimes I can't find my way out
I can't find common sense
I can't find sanity
Sometimes
I get lost
I can't find my way out
I can't stand up
I can't walk
I can't keep looking
But I have to keep trying
I can't give up
Yet
I need to find myself
I think I have gone beyond myself
But I'm going to keep trying
To
   Find
       My
          Way
Back out.

I can't do life right now.
I can't live right now
I am surrounded by my thoughts
They have out swords
My mind's not backing down
It's stronger than me
No Mercy
I tried running
I tried hiding
I can't hide anymore
It's holding me captive
My life on the line.
I just need to get lost
Please lose me
And once I'm lost
Don't bother finding me.
I don't want to be found.

I think love is made up.
I think that people pretend to love each other until eventually they believe they do.
So technically you can choose who to love.
As long as they are willing to try and love you back.
But I have never been in love.
So I guess I wouldn't know.

She was the shallow waters close to shore
He was the deep ocean
They could never quite reach eachother.