it's so much deeper than I even realize
etched into my marrow, year after year
crying in your arms
because you were kind

in the way a little bird collects
sticks and shiny things
I've been collecting anything I see
that might make you smile
I love to think that I could be,
even in a small way,
part of your joy
sneaking my love to you between chirps
stick by stick

I'm not sure if it's braver
to stay
or to go
I'm afraid either way
and I just don't know
luckily I don't have to decide
tonight

at two and a half years old,
newly adopted, her first home
my cat wouldn't eat
unless I sat with her.
she would lay next to me,
let me hold her in my arms
but didn't trust her world to eat alone
to be in such a vulnerable state
back turned, unguarded.
after all
her history demonstrated, time and time again
that her food would be stolen
she'd have to fight for it
that someone could hurt her
because they did, they had.
two years later
she'll lay next to me
let me hold her in my arms
and eat
even when I'm not there
but some days
she still asks

maybe the worst part is
that I've let them all down again
my cat sits patiently by the door
waiting for you to walk through it
my mother beamed and gushed
about how happy she was for me,
"Finally!"
maybe we got too ahead of ourselves
and believed in each other too much
taking the world with us on the way up
and then too when we came crashing down

my romantic loves, traditionally, have not been healthy
wrong, forced, cruel, hurt, anxiety-ridden
a healthy relationship hadn't found me.
but in every other sense, I am surrounded
my friends, my family, my city, loves me
unconditionally, warmly, easily
they make me better and wrap me up
the healthiest, truest love I've ever known

to be loved by you
is to be noticed, cared for
to feel warm and secure
laughing endlessly
little sly smirks and soft caresses
the way you look at me
I will never forget what it was like
to have been loved by you

I wonder what you see me in
if you look for me.
do you see me in the place we've been,
in the spaces I took up
do you see me in the blue hues of the world,
like you used to?
I wish I could pry your mind open, fingers greedy
just so I could see what you associate with me
if anything at all

luckily I am no stranger to the after
luckily for me, I'm used to this feeling.
though leaving me hollow,
I can just retreat to my little palace
to the fail-safes I installed long ago
that will likely always be there
because god knows no one else would be

good friends will give you pens
and let you cry about the same thing
over and over
like it's the first time they've heard it

if I never ask anything of you
expect nothing, give no opportunity,
you can't let me down
can't forget, change your mind
I'll keep you at a distance
so I won't expect a thing
retaining what little power I have

I don't understand death
never been able to
raised on hope and fantasy stories
second chances,
just turn the page
try again, there must be away
no one's every really gone
what a harsh metallic taste
to close the book
to know there's nothing else
that gone is gone
and that's it

I communicate through songs and poems,
gestures and strings and keys and underlines
fewer words, rather melodies to follow
articulating my thoughts
better than I ever could

even if you can feel it
you never know
when it will be the last time
when it will end
not really
kiss them a second longer
linger in the doorway
look back and wave
love with all you have
whenever you can
you never know

not being afraid is the most frightening of all
I can't hear, can't see anything past the campfire glow
bare skin warmed by the crackles of your voice
no howling wolves, no shadows in the trees
you could pull a blade behind me,
and I wouldn't flinch
shocked and bleeding, lying there
I might deserve it
just because I wasn't paying attention