would it be easier for you
not to see me at all
would you like to forget me
even if not for the sake of moving on
just to make it easier
is it hard to have known me, loved me
and for everything to be different now?
yes

I would rather be your friend, I think
Than nothing at all
but perhaps ceasing to exist
to one another is better

I much prefer the sadness.
though overwhelming, choking
it is rooted in love, in remembering
in the loss of something real, tangible, beautiful.
The anger is much worse, wicked
a fabricator of the truth:
that it didn't matter to you
and maybe never did.
I'll take salt water filling my lungs
burning, flailing, gasping for air
if it meant never forgetting you

I am trying to stop looking for you
signs or silence, there's nothing to decipher
no run-ins or coincidence
I don't even know if it'd satisfy
a glimpse of a life
that still holds out hope
for me, for us
because for all I know
that doesn't exist anymore

all I know how to do is love
my bones ache to care
and I'm not sorry for trying
even if you didn't deserve it
I deserve the chance

I can't help but look at you that way
"what?" you'll ask, puzzled, teasing
"you're going to ruin my life," I say
and your brow furrows, but you smile
"I think you make life pretty great,
and who says that has to end?"
and my lips creep into a smile
because I'm not afraid, despite it all
even knowing how far the drop would be

I can't quite place my rage
if you can even call it that
angry at your optimism in us,
in what you were capable of
angry with myself for letting you in
angry that I tried, again
only for it to end the same way

mare tranquillitatis
sea of tranquility
our place of security, of calm
Blue Moon, Moon River
across the hall
feels 238,900 miles away

I suppose it doesn't feel so bad
after all
this is exactly what I always expect
a pattern repeated,
regardless of the reason
it's almost a relief, almost
comfort in the known, the expected
not a new home
just a road trip stop
pulling into a familiar driveway
even if all the lights are off

I'm less upset, I think
than I thought I'd be
I've built a beautiful life for myself
Great friends and a job I love
I am brimming with love
and nothing can take that away
not even you

part of me feels so ashamed
and I can see their faces now
corneas coated in pity
but they didn't expect anything else,
not really
it's never different,
it's just me
a sad exhale, it never changes
I'd stop trying if it meant
escaping their cassette-recording speeches and sorries
but part of me desperately wants,
aches to prove them wrong
that I'm not cursed
that it can be me
that I deserve it too

how long can I keep up the facade?
hold my head above water,
paste a smile on
not feel the buzzing underneath my skin
Ten years later, there it is again
can you believe it?
back like it never left
Whether to protect or sabotage,
to be determined
A month in, and there she is
a bitter reflection, grenade in hand
ready to pull the pin
just when you think you're safe

a mean kind of anger, bitterness
washes over me again
an all-too familiar feeling
how could I have let you in
opened the door
left the kitchen light on.
now I'm standing in the doorway alone
the lightbulb's out
long after you find someone better

on sunday I found myself
flipping through vintage postcards
looking for the church where we first kissed
I think I wanted to show you what it used to be
but I'm not sure
all I know is that you've done it already
infiltrated my every thought

I wonder if my father ever got my mother flowers,
if I'd seen a different kind of love
would I expect something different
expect more from people
feel like I deserved more
and not sell myself short
for any scraps I could get
hoping they'll finally fill me up

I know what you mean when you look at me
chuckle between kisses
when you say you really like me
I know what it means because
I feel it too.
undeniable, sure as the sun will rise
that I have never felt this way before
and I doubt I ever could again
if not for you

I look at the time
over and over
is it better or worse to know?
to give myself more time?
or am I just drawing out
the bitter, inevitable end

I don't need reassurance from you
you fill my cup when it's running low
just by your being you, you convince me
moment after moment, day after day
that it'll all be okay
the moment doubt creeps in,
you squash it every time
like everything's going to be alright
and that it always was, really.

I'm trying not to run the other way
even when it feels the same
when my cells scream "we told you so"
perhaps stupidly, it is different
maybe it's not good or bad, black or white
maybe it's just complicated
and we're trying
or maybe he'll prove me right again
that nothing is ever different

I wonder if it's just trauma
When you're not in front of me
I tend to forget how good you are
replacing you with lovers past, the worst ones
As if the you I know
could ever bear to hurt me

time to go (?)
I'm just not sure
maybe it'd be right (right?)
but it doesn't feel right
teetering between
being brave, being safe
or
knowing it's different, rare
and I'll never feel like this again
(?)

in the varied range of emotions I've felt,
despair, hopelessness, loss, hope, nothing at all
I wake up again uncertain, tired
after a high of optimism the night before
almost convincing me things were okay
if they even should be; I don't know
in an hour I may feel different
a different flavor of uncertainty
until I see you again

I sit, mug in hand, at my computer
wrapped in a blanket, in my mom's pajamas
The snow is falling outside the window
and my cat jumps up onto the desk
seating herself sensibly, confidently
she looks out the window, to the world
an unspoken promise
"I'll keep you safe, too."

"everything blue reminds me of you.
Do you know how much on earth is blue?"
I recall this as one of your first confessions
of love to me
I wonder if it still stands
if your heart aches
when you see a primary color,
does it remind you of me

I know I should be proud, of myself, my progress
though there isn't much I feel good about now
finally able to open up again, to try
after two years, maybe more, four even
it's difficult for me, a territory to frequent
but it get harder every time
Further away, longer recovery, harder and harder
to try again later, let someone in.
I'm waiting for the finale with bated breath
giving up is soon, inevitable, closing in quickly
I just won't know when

they used to think it was water
Mare Tranquillitatis, Sea of Tranquility
you can see it from earth, by telescope
once thought to be an ocean
later found to be flat
bluish tint that meant nothing
intrigue from a distance
nothing to see close up

I'm not sure if it's braver
to stay
or to go
I'm afraid either way
and I just don't know
luckily I don't have to decide
tonight

to be loved by you
is to be noticed, cared for
to feel warm and secure
laughing endlessly
little sly smirks and soft caresses
the way you look at me
I will never forget what it was like
to have been loved by you

I don't understand death
never been able to
raised on hope and fantasy stories
second chances,
just turn the page
try again, there must be away
no one's every really gone
what a harsh metallic taste
to close the book
to know there's nothing else
that gone is gone
and that's it

I wonder what you see me in
if you look for me.
do you see me in the places we've been,
in the spaces I took up
do you see me in the blue hues of the world,
like you used to?
I wish I could pry your mind open, fingers greedy
just so I could see what you associate with me
if anything at all

maybe the worst part is
that I've let them all down again
my cat sits patiently by the door
waiting for you to walk through it
my mother beamed and gushed
about how happy she was for me,
"Finally!"
maybe we got too ahead of ourselves
and believed in each other too much
taking the world with us on the way up
and then too when we came crashing down

good friends will give you pens
and let you cry about the same thing
over and over
like it's the first time they've heard it

even if you can feel it
you never know
when it will be the last time
when it will end
not really
kiss them a second longer
linger in the doorway
look back and wave
love with all you have
whenever you can
you never know

in the way a little bird collects
sticks and shiny things
I've been collecting anything I see
that might make you smile
I love to think that I could be,
even in a small way,
part of your joy
sneaking my love to you between chirps
stick by stick

I communicate through songs and poems,
gestures and strings and keys and underlines
fewer words, rather melodies to follow
articulating my thoughts
better than I ever could

it's so much deeper than I even realize
etched into my marrow, year after year
crying in your arms
because you were kind

if I never ask anything of you
expect nothing, give no opportunity,
you can't let me down
can't forget, change your mind
I'll keep you at a distance
so I won't expect a thing
retaining what little power I have

my romantic loves, traditionally, have not been healthy
wrong, forced, cruel, hurt, anxiety-ridden
a healthy relationship hadn't found me.
but in every other sense, I am surrounded
my friends, my family, my city, loves me
unconditionally, warmly, easily
they make me better and wrap me up
the healthiest, truest love I've ever known

luckily I am no stranger to the after
luckily for me, I'm used to this feeling.
though leaving me hollow,
I can just retreat to my little palace
to the fail-safes I installed long ago
that will likely always be there
because god knows no one else would be

at two and a half years old,
newly adopted, her first home
my cat wouldn't eat
unless I sat with her.
she would lay next to me,
let me hold her in my arms
but didn't trust her world to eat alone
to be in such a vulnerable state
back turned, unguarded.
after all
her history demonstrated, time and time again
that her food would be stolen
she'd have to fight for it
that someone could hurt her
because they did, they had.
two years later
she'll lay next to me
let me hold her in my arms
and eat
even when I'm not there
but some days
she still asks

not being afraid is the most frightening of all
I can't hear, can't see anything past the campfire glow
bare skin warmed by the crackles of your voice
no howling wolves, no shadows in the trees
you could pull a blade behind me,
and I wouldn't flinch
shocked and bleeding, lying there
I might deserve it
just because I wasn't paying attention