I'm writing this while you're passed out on the couch,
Hoping the clicking of these keys won't cause your breath to catch
And your stormy eyes to fly open,
You restless, high-strung boy.
You're an eagle who is afraid of heights.
With the most beautiful wings and
The most piercing eyes you stare at the sky,
Waiting for the perfect moment.
But you don't know that life cannot be planned.
You cannot measure love, put a limit on hope or
Estimate faith.
But you. Stubborn, stubborn you,
Will attempt to find the ultimate equation
No matter how exhausted you become.
No matter how many sleepless nights come as a result.
I look down the rising and falling of your chest,
The small crease between your brows,
And I know you're scribbling a hypothesis
In some bizarre, ****** up dream.

My efforts are feeble.
My heart flickers like a dying lightbulb
As the power of my hope is burns out.
Words spoken at 1:48 am are seared into the depths of my mind.
And I realize that I cannot.
My mouth must remain sealed
And my dangerous, sparking, failing heart,
Blocked off.
Because my efforts are feeble.
And I am lost and full of hate.

A girl was born with ebony hair,
With blazing eyes,
And a piercing stare.
She sprinted through childhood.
Skipping many moments.
And she forgot what it meant to be young,
Lacking burdens.
Her heart pounded with a fire that could
Outlast all her failures,
But didn't have time time for cruel
Passing faces.
She grew accustomed to loss.
She took it in stride,
And her laughter remained
Until something in her died.
Her patience grew thin with the plain, naive youth.
She did not understand
Why none spoke the truth.
The fire in her heart grew deadly, impatient.
And her restless soul was gasping
Looking for understanding, non-existent.
But she squared her shoulders;
Embracing the story she'd told,
And saw that her lion's heart remained,
Along with her fire guarded soul.

When you ask yourself
Who would truly care?
If you lay dying
With a cold and empty stare.

Please remember that it would be me.
Trembling with fear,
With dark thoughts roaming free

Because you show me light,
When my courage stretches thin.
Even when that light
Is troubled and dim.

You don't know your worth.
So I'll remind you every day.
I love you, sweet Sir.
And that will never go away.

So next time you wonder
Who would be affected?
Remember that only with you,
My heart is fully mended.

And if I lost your light,
If it were extinguished,
I would never be the same.
But my love never diminished.

You see, there sometimes comes a moment
In a persons life,
When they finally say
Enough.
There comes a moment
When a persons heart
Realizes it's been through too much.
And in that moment,
That terrifying,
Hopeless moment,
They learn
And let go
And harden
Till they forget.
Till the heart turns
To stone.

Truths fight like machines,
Inside my pounding, aching head
Just as the sky blinks.
Four hands scraping over harsh brick in foolish hope that they'll find eachother.
Four eyes searching for answers and reason for things that they'll never understand,
And the stars go out.
Two hearts that used to function like clockwork
Suddenly stumble and fall in the darkness because of confusing, stupid sentiment.
And I am lost.
My hands bleed,
My eyes go blind,
My heart fails.
As the time races past me and leaves me in the dust of what's lost.

My best friend said,
To "write it all down",
So here I am to compose.
Trying so hard to get rid of the darkness.
But there's something affecting my prose.

My mind and pen won't connect.
My, heart with the hurt it has kept.
Will stay silent, that is always it's task.
"Silent for how long?" He stares at me and asks.

I say I don't know.
That I'm tempted to go,
For I desperately wish I had wings.
He pauses and says
With no second thought,

Why don't you go write something?

There's an ache in my head.
An ache in my heart.
And though I'm told they're there,
I can't see any stars.
One face turns away,
Another
And another.
One seems to want to stay,
My heart is being smothered.
And I don't know how to save it.
When the face, once so kind
Stares directly through me
And into another's eyes
One face turns away.
Then another
And another.
Until, to my dismay,
It's just me alone, as the darkness
Stays and hovers.

When I let go of you
I smiled
Because I realized that I'm a princess
Cut from the blackest onyx.  
And the scars that mark my mind
Are harder than all diamonds.
Never to be penetrated again.  
And I move through this world
Quiet like a fire.
Never missing you.
Because you gave me scars.

The diamonds of the best kind.

He gave me a rose,
With his smile, sweet and grand.
But though he meant well,
A small thorn peirced my hand.

She walks
You wouldn't notice her.
She has mastered the art
The art of blending in.
Don't feel bad.
There's nothing you can do.
She is fine with the act she puts on.
Want a happy, silly girl?
She'll give it to you.
If you think you truly know her,
You are mistaken.
Very few people do.
Only those closest to her heart
Which is sealed off.
Impenetrable like dragons scales.

Thank you
For that moment
When
My heart was sinking
Mind was overflowing
Soul breaking down
Shaking.
Thank you
For that moment
When
I felt a hand
On my arm.
And looked up
To see
Your eyes.
Deep blue eyes
And a reassuring smile.
And I guess.
When all seems dark and ***** black,
Sometimes all I need is a deep blue.
So I thank you for that.

I shut my eyes,
Willing my thoughts away.
I take a step back,
Though I truly wish to stay.
But what will I do?
While his sight remains blocked.
Tell him I love him?
No. That must remain locked.
For though what we have is strong,
There's a crack in our base.
So I will remain silent.
With a placid smile on my face.

Sometimes I wonder about
Who cares, and who doesn't.
Do those who don't think they do?
Because the young adult mind
Is clouded by hormones
And frankly, not fully developed.
So those who "care"
But don't ask questions about your life?
Those who "love you",
But aren't interested in talking about your passions?
Those who "want to be there"
But stop paying attention the second you feel happy?
Be wary of those people.
Because though they have pretty words,
They are always temporary.

She wanders.
Her soul and body,
Always searching,
Never ceasing.
The waves in her
Soft blue eyes
Roll and crash in
A continuous cycle
Longing for something
More. Always something
Bigger than what
She's given. For
It will never be enough.

She knew a boy
She let him in.
It was an accident, really
So is that a sin?
But she made the mistake
Of trusting this boy
And thought that maybe,
Just maybe
He could bring her some joy.
But her ideals were wrong
For his opinions were too strong.
And so, without knowing,
He broke the girl.
Without knowing of his wrong.

My heart is a broken compass.
Constantly whirling,
Lost, in a constant battle with gravity.
Spinning in search for north,
But always finding itself trapped
And staring into the east of your eyes instead.

We sprint through the trees.
And we are alive,
Our hearts burning as hot as the stars above our heads.
With a devilish glint in my eyes
And a lopsided grin on his face
We pick up our speed.
The moon breaks through my hair
And his laugh pierces through the chilled autumn leaves.
We don't slow our pace.
I feel the white hot pain beginning to spread through my limbs
Just as we reach the cliff and collapse,
Feeling nothing but the thrill and joy
That comes with our secret place
Where we cannot be followed.

I am being tortured by choice.
I have screamed until not even the slightest whimper can escape my lips.
And I lie there silent, telling myself
That it's fine.
I want this.
Don't I?
I shake there violently
Waiting for some reprieve,
While knowing all the while that it will never come.
I sit there, shivering.
Surrounded by unwanted emotions and
Waiting patiently for the next blow against my pale, fragile spine.

You
So desperate
With such a longing to grow up.
You fool almost everyone.
But I see you.
Because I look past all the new.
The muscles you've worked for.
The strength in your stride.  
Because when I look at you
All I see
Are your hands.
Both hesitant and shaking.
Not certain of what they are.
Fiddling with nearest objects.
Unable to stay still.

You may feel
Old
Strong
And big.
But I don't see it.
Because you still have child's hands.

Deep
A hard, painful knot in my chest
Fake
The world around me, everything I touch, crumbling to dust.
Long
Each day. Never ending pain, though I try my best.
Alone
No one is with me, not one soul I trust.
I cannot.
Cannot cope with the pain, darkness.
I reach.
Reach for my hope
Press it against my skull


Click.

I can't decide
If I am dying, praying to forget,
Or  
If I'm thankful that I don't know how to.

1, 2,
Real life is coming for you.
3, 4,
Honey go walk out that door.
5, 6,
I'm just so done with this.
7, 8,
No, go, it's getting late.
9, 10,
I never want to see you again.

It's incredibly sad,
How much damage can be done
To a heart like mine
With a few simple words.

Your eyes are piercing,
Deep as the raging sea.
And yet they dance ceaselessly
With the laughter of a child.
Your arms, tired and struggling to remain steady,
Still somehow find time
To fly across the monkey bars of your youth.
Your words, often in constant motion,
Often filled with diverting, musical nothings, can be
Replaced with a love made clear, yearning to understand.
So what I ask of you,
Dear Stranger,
Is that you'll promise yourself,
The kind, loving theorist and the wonderfully outlandish child
Both,
That you'll leave neither behind,
Cherishing the two forever
As you make your way through the maze
That is this life.

Should I?
Should I speak?
Or shouldn't I?
Maybe I'm just too weak.

Because when I see you,  
I cannot speak.
I cannot.
Cannot allow feelings to start to leak.

Because what will you say?
At my heartfelt speech.  
Will you reach out?
Till our hands meet?

Or will you pause.
As the rhythm of our friendship
After all this time
Sounds it's last beat.

I can't eat.
You think that I'm stupid,
But it's no small feat
Because though I can feel my stomach shrinking inside me,
I am stuck on repeat,
Starving, ignoring, forgetting
Yanking with this sharp leash
Saying don't eat
Don't eat
Don't eat.
Because maybe then I'll have some control.
Or the ugly will go away.
Maybe the black, consuming pain
In my heart,
Will finally turn to gray.

The empath girl
feels for those she loves most
On a level that cannot be understood by a simple mind.
But the empath girl
also feels so alone
For no one will ever care about her
On that same level.

Sick of all these people's gossip
Sick of their dim words.
Tired of faking love towards those
Who only bring me hurt.
Now I'm holding in my screams
Drowning in this sea of faces.
But they just keep looking at me
And I'm feeling suddenly graceless.
I'm heading straight to the real world.
Where they can't keep clawing at me.
But there's a friend who is blind and who Won't stop saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean,
I'm speaking up against them.
Their pretty lies, and their shallow love.
And there's a woman who hates me, and won't stop saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut.
But their world is a fake one.
And I simply can't wait and
Paint a smile on my angry, cold face.

I'm the girl who walked away.
Not chasing the stupid dreams
Stupid thoughts
Stupid actions.
Your eyes were blank.
Stupid.
Your arms were open.
Stupid.
I won't look at you the way they do
I see through everything and into what's there.
What's really there.
I won't be them.
I am me.
Smart.
Brave.
FURIOUS.
And you're still standing there.
But now I see.
So sorry to break your record.
But I'm the girl who walked away.
And I think that's fair.

Why was I obsessed over you?
You hurt me, and that's the only thing that's true.
So now, I transform my sadness.
I'm sorry about your troubles.
They will drive you to madness.
But now I won't be sad,
Wounded,
Insecure.
I HATE you.
My anger at all the things that you do.
And now I couldn't care less
Because my sadness has been transformed.
I am fearless.

You always think that I'm sad.
Or mad.
But perhaps
It is just that when I'm with you
Your spirit is too loud.

And I'm tired of listening.
Sitting in torture while you
Burst with pride and opinions and stupidity
I think I may soon explode.

And when that happens,
The quiet shy girl
Who you thought you knew,
Will transform into a fire.  
A fire that burns everything in its path.

At seven years old the fire started
It kept my veins hot,
As I brushed past those shallow souls
Around me.
By the time I was eleven
I would play pretend.
The fire wasn't bad,
The anger in my heart was
Fake.
The scars on my porcelain arms
Were silver.
When I made it to 15,
I was a princess
Of marble.
Never feeling,
Never breaking.
Quiet like a fire.
Smoother than a storm.
When I reached 18,
The silver scars were gone and
The deadness in my eyes
Never betrayed
The fire within, which never left
And never will.

He wouldn't let me leave him.
He wouldn't let me run.
As the light of my heart was dimmed,
His fired up, much like the sun.

His desperation scared me
As I tried to turn away.
His emerald eyes consumed me,
As he begged me longer to stay.

My emptiness consumed me
As the tears flowed from my eyes.
He said he'd never been angry,
This took me by surprise.

So I simply stood in awe,
Motionless and still.
As though some great, unspoken law
Forced me me to stay, until

He took me in his arms,
And crushed me to his chest.
I listened to his steady heart,
Felt safe, away from the rest.

He held on until my sobbs had slowed,
And my breathing found its peace.
He said "I'll never let you go."
Until my shivers finally ceased.

We stood there for a while,
His lips pressed to my forehead,
I knew that they had formed a smile.
And soon, my fears had fled.

It's surprising, how many people
forget
That a certain amount of
Simple, small
Hairline fractures
Can break a bone.

I like it loud.
You turn it off.  
Why don't you go?
You stand in shock.
I want to dance
You make me stop
You ruin us.
I stare at the clock.
All I can say
Is just get out.

It's best not to hang around.
This has happened to me before.
I give up on things,
People, and Dreams,
It's kind of like slamming a door.
I know it'll hurt you.
But it could be worse.
I've taken chances with you,
And I'm sorry.
I know you'll be confused
And I can't help feeling amused.
Because this is always my story.

The girl who helps,
But who's heart remains glass
Never softened, welcomed or touched.
When someone gets close,
I push them away.
And soon I'll shatter
Because of too much pressure
And I don't want to cut you
When the peices go flying.
Because that's what happens
When people get to close to me.
And I simply can't hurt you,
So I'm setting you free.

This is my goodbye, I guess.
How did I get here.
Maybe all of the stress?

Or maybe all the pain
That just won't go away.
The losses with few gains
While no one would stay.

But maybe I'm wrong
Because some people stayed,
But they'll leave before long.
im just not worth the wait.

They say some people change.
And are gone and never seen.
Just not in the same way.
This, I thought was mean.

But now I realize it's true.
And this is my goodbye.
Because my soul is simply through.
Not strong enough to fly.

But I tried to tell him he was a star
He IS a star.
A dying star
In need of a shock wave of air.
I could be that air.
I keep saying that,
But it's a lie.
For he's a grenade.
Destroying everything in his path.

Why are you still here?
Why haven't you left....
Please stay near.
My heart has been kept.

By the boy who comes and leaves  
Makes my heart skip three beats.
He keeps my mind safe and warm
While my heart turns hard as stone.

When you are like me,
Heartbreak makes a sound.
A heavy pounding sound.
It's so loud that is shatters your mind until nothing is left.
But as I look around, I realize that I am the only one who hears.

Nothing makes me feel safer
Than being close you you.
Away from every danger,
For our love is simply true.
With you, all time stands still.
With you, I'm not alone.
And every moment, simple and pure
In your arms is where I'm home.

I miss a person who I don't think I've met.
He'll love my fire
And won't mind my strong will.
With him, I'll feel safe,
Completely at peace,
Still intense but
While my mind remains still.
His arms will be strong,
Reassuring and kind.
And it will not be perfect,
But I know
Someday I will find
My home in a person.
I feel it so deep.
My heart, though it's breaking,
Was given hope it will keep.

My life is so filled
With sorrow and strife,
That I can no longer breathe,
My veins filled with ice.