i never wanted to be you
i fought it , i swore it, i cursed myself
if i ever became a single, similar
drop to you
this aversion it kills me yet frees me

she will **** us before anything else
I am hearing words in my own language
But they are now foreign as they leave my lips and dance into my ears

The wind is roaring outside. I might *****. I just brushed my teeth again. I want to fill my body with more water but I don’t know if I can handle that

i don't know how to feel
what you gave me was so real
but distance is a reality now
waking up everyday knowing i won't see you
waiting for me by the fountain after work
i cried in the parking lot
you cried in new hope
intervals of emotion
chaos and commotion
from my heart to my head
3am awake on my couch as a bed
and here we are now, I'm so afraid
that the more time that passes
the more feelings will fade
life will change & we'll fall back into routine

i am full of water. a time to rest, a time of warm stillness.

i am the first sip. she starts to feel alive again, the earth blooms.

i am the sun. dancing underneath of me eternally. warms to the core.

something is sailing through the wind.

life is dismal when you feel closer to your demons
than to someone who cares for you
hell is simply seeing love die
right in front of your eyes
with someone you thought
you would be with forever
how naive

to love is to hurt
once seen with youthful eyes
sculpted by the gods
a divine surprise
24k gold
words to withhold
take me to the sun
that is where we stay
stay to play
stay to fray
where it all begun

i am not afraid of the light
or it's ability to show me who i am

when it does not come around so often
leaving me in the comfortable shadows

my eyes are laughing strolling arm in arm
cracking the pavement brimming of vibrations
stories of contentment, despondency
a feeling of being summoned urgently by an invite
gracious and acute
in the company of gods and goddesses
on a patch of green grass
i admit to being without admonition exceedingly happy

coarse comfort,
masking my ability to think freely
cushioning the system
the one that travels and breaks
the one that flies and cries and wails and sings
lungs burning on fire like the horizon at dusk
the cooling of the fire as light dissipates
into a world we know
a manufactured genesis

the world will go on
and we will keep trying
you don't always have to be good
don't crucify yourself for mistakes
or drag yourself through fire + wind
you only have to let yourself
love what it loves
and feel what it feels, to grow
meanwhile, the sun will still rise
and set, the flocks of geese will
migrate above in the blue sky
heading home again
no matter who you are or how lonely
the world will always be your canvas
and will call to you fiercely

tears fall gracefully, yet violently
time passes and passes
to move on from the ones i love
the ones who dressed
who fed me the food
that nourished my growing body
the ones who gave me shelter when I was dependent
for my very own survival
who held me, who love me,
who support me
I love you with my every breath

I am a body in motion
grazing through commotion
gathering attempts
to make sense
from my badlands & pitched tents
walking, walking, run
battle & burst through
cold air
but my bright hair
is turning brown

i feel so far from you.

in the hush of silence
in the calm of peace's release
they approach, dancing
their presence a gentle tease
last year, amidst the ebb and flow of time's sway
I erred and guessed in myriad ways astray
last year's tears
steadfast companions through the night
yet within their shimmer
I glimpsed a guiding light
not hatred but fear, you instilled within my core
teaching love's tangled dance
entwined forevermore
addicted to disappointments bitter taste
to the cycle of ascent and fall
not one to waste
you and I
a tale of what could never be
a symphony of longing
a silent plea
heavy the heart
in the weight of sorrow
I find my spirit free

sell me
a reason, a rhyme
give me your time
to do this would **** me too
no recovery
what could i do?
see me through

pacify me
hold me until the sun rises
blood orange over the horizon
tell me i'm the only one
as if i didn't know
bury my fears
as deep as my head on your shoulder
hold me closer
closer, closer

soy una mujer orgullosa
de mí
y de tí
tú apoyo
aunque no lo necesito
lo ayuda
y me gusta
a veces me siento insegura
pero sè que es parte del proceso
muchas gracias, y te amo

doubt wrapped up, she struggles but i soother her
for what do i know without her?
fear, the closest comfort. cradled like an infant.
when the light slipped through
arms exposed and shut my eyes
hesitancy to grow through the dirt of my mind
but caution in the warmth provided

from my glass
filled of substance I choose you
I choose your vision
looking to the left
the most stunning vision
origination

what will i find in my pages?
i am floating through time
is anything i write really mine?
dreams are an idea of the mind
there are no physical objects
beneath these sole appearances

Where is Carli?
The willow that hung so freely, where are the stars on my ceiling?
The red radio with the broken antenna
I remember the rhododendrons blooming and growing so tall that I couldn't see the street
where are they?
Where is my pink banjo crafted by dad's paragon of patience
where is the color in your hair?
I see how life has hit you, and I want to hit it back for you
Mama bought me a book,
she said you are my curious girl
I read the pages slowly while trying to make sense of the world
Where is the ring that the ocean swallowed up?
Where are the stars we watched?
Where is the bee that stung inside of my ear?
When did my fears grab me over the years?
Where is the wandered asking these questions?
I thought I'd have the answers by now
but I'm only left with lessons

Light seldom graces me with her presence. That used to tear me apart. Now, I have learned to appreciate her absence. I sit, perched on my plush cushion. Bluejays sit on my windowsill. Their wings are resting and my eyes are gleaming. How beautiful it is to watch a sentient being recover, rejuvenate. I’ll never tell you that knowing you set me free. All the things in life that are terrible now amaze me. My ears laugh at the sounds the bluejays have gifted me. They are so happy. Sipping the sweet, crimson nectar. Filling them with life and substance. I am writing again. My voice is different now. I used to be locked in your cell. Now, I turn to the light. The bluejays and I share a commonality: nectar is there for enjoyment, not necessity.