I wake up and I want to cry
I wake up and I want to hide
I wake up and pretend I’m fine

I tell myself

I will be fine as I hide my thoughts
I will be fine as I put on a fake smile
I will be fine as I try not to cry

First hangover post lockdown
I don't think I've ever felt more alone
Maybe it's the hangover or
Maybe I finally I can say it

I don't know if, I would have felt
Any different if we had lockdown together
But you gave me everything
And I took you for granted

Maybe I would have noticed it more
All the things you did,
How you gave have me your heart
And you were always there

I don't know where you are
How you are
But I hope your safe
I hope you are happy

I should have said
...
But how do I say
I wish I loved you
But I don't

..................

This is the worst
Thing I could have done
...
Not being honest
And hiding how I feel

..................

Now I am
What I don't
Want to be
...
Dishonest

.................

But time is
What I thought
Was best
...
How I was wrong

I want that midnight stroll,
Under that moonlit sky,
With both of us blushing,
Not being able to hold a gaze.

With smiles from ear to ear,
Biting our lips so lightly,
Slowing our walking pace,
Until we stop.

With my hand on your waist,
Moving my hand towards your cheek,
Brushing that one hair from your face,
Being nervous before our embrace

When I was 24,
This was the girl
I dreamt of,
Coming in like a steam train,
And change my everything.

Now at 29,
You came in and fit into my hand,
Like it was there before,
But less than a month,
I am back to never have met you.

If you were older,
If I was younger,
We just might... have made it,
But you need time,
And I need patience.

But I can't spend,
5 years writing and waiting,
For someone who won't come back,
So I will end this,
The way "The One" ended it,
all those years ago.

Timing is a *****

A pretty face
Then my wall goes down
That's all it takes...

I feel like centuries
Have gone by
But it's been days...

I'm not build for this world
I fall deep and hard
And end up being the fool

Come on away with me
I love you so
I just don't know
Just where to go
As long as we are so

It's ended like I expected
I lost another
But when it happens
My mind goes back to you

I wonder if current me
Would have lost you like before
Or if it was old me that
Might have won this time around

London is too big
With too much choice
Is that why I lose?
Or was old me better than now?

Having written down,
All I have ever felt,
Why isn't the pain
Or loneliness any easier

It feels like I am on loop,
But going through it all faster,
Feels like an implosion is pending,
Not sure if I can cope again

There is something words can't describe,
You are my type but it's more,
I want to open up your shyness.

Something I know I have to work at,
I know that I could easily fall for you,
It's been so long since I felt this way.

I need to fight but I just don't know how,
My emotions won't win but it's hard to ignore,
How hurt you can make me feel

I believe there is someone for everyone
The perfect person, that fits like a glove
Everyday a surprise, making the boring, fun
But how do you know?

If I married you tomorrow,
How do I know I can't do better?
Love is strange.....
How do you know?

After years together, through thick and thin
Would it just be loyalty? To stop me moving on
Fear of the world without you? Being my blanket
Or are you someone I can tolerate life with, until the 'one'?

Excited like a kid at Xmas
Hands sweaty in anticipation
Then you appeared
From nervous reck to comfort
With only a lingering hug

We spoke like we speak everyday
Not like the 2 years it has actually been
I gather the courage and hold your hand
Then I kiss you like I used to
Suddenly it all ends abruptly, with me waking up

If with one kiss,
You can feel the pain,
This year has given me,
I will forgive you for everything.