it lingers
hovers
encircles me
this simple fear
in the twilight of my reflection
your face
your voice
not the same as my memory
im afraid
i have forgotten you
not your memories
but you
hold my breath in my lungs
to replicate your hugs
it's not the same
am i the one who changed?
i don't remember you as you are
but as you were to me
the painting on the walls
the halls of my loneliness
the emptiness of my heart
still love you always
still love you always

Raindrops on the window
A sigh from my faulty lungs
What a day this is

I can see it now
Just over the horizon
Glorious meadows

I see my friends in new relationships, in bliss
I'm happy for them
I'm also a bit bitter if I'm being honest
And if I'm being honest I'm never really honest
It's a protection plan of mine like
the kind you get when you're at the checkout and the
cashier who's on her
second hour of overtime
says that for thirty extras dollars all your broken parts can be fixed
if you bring it back
There was an asterisk next to the plan
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
so when you bring it back with a shattered screen
they say they can't help you because you did it to yourself
And I've done this
thing
to myself
Over and over and over again
Waiting for the time it works
The right formula of time multiplied by distance divided by maturity
But the solution I come up with always equals zero no matter what numbers I move around it stays the same
I don't commit because I've committed too much before
I don't walk on those egg shells anymore
When I love there is an asterisk next to my heart
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
Don't get too close because you might see me without my mask
And unmasked me is brutal and burnt out
As frail as thin ice covering the pond of his regrets
I've grown old groaning on about these things
A cold king with a cold crown sitting on a cold throne
alone
And I don't want to be alone but I don't want to change
This is normal for me and it feels safe even if it is killing me slowly
Nobody has been through my shoes
You can sympathize but don't ever say you can empathize
You have not seen through my eyes or felt with my heart
There are parts of me I lost with every step forward I took in absolute fearlessness and faith and it crippled me
So don't act like I have those parts of me, still
There are things I just cannot do anymore
Like an amputee who can't feel his wife's hand in his anymore
Like a paraplegic who can't run a marathon anymore'
Like a young boy who spent his love in fullness and never got any back
Please, just accept that this is who I am and I can't change that
Because it's not in my nature anymore
It just can't happen

Fire is burning
Deep in my malnourished soul
Lurching to get out

I burn trust to keep myself warm
but I'm freezing from the inside out

If you didn't forget me,
I wouldn't have forgotten myself

to all the good and loving foster parents, thank you so much. :) To the bad, this is for you*

Adopt a kid for your own
And when they make you groan
Send them back to the orphan's home
And then let them freely roam
Don't feel bad when their brains are blown

He's worn the same clothes for a week
He hopes no-one notices the heart on his sleeve
the heart that bleeds
Lies that he's kept in the brim of his hat
Wondering what's the same
Wandering different towns that
feel the same
Pondering the shame
Longing just to be in control
But he can't indulge
So he self-medicates
So he can meditate
On all the things wrong
That can't be made right
On all the things he writes
Poems that won't be read
only seen
So he can hide behind his words
but he always gets what he
deserves

Gah
There is a stick in my throat
Emotions I cannot *****
Slice my chest open
Pull them out
Untangle it all
OCD has its uses
But
I get stuck
So I leave them out
To air dry
To suffocate slowly
Til I feel nothing
Gah

In some ways I feel alright
But always I feel broken
It's not something that rides beneath the surface
It's something on the dark side of my heart
I'm too scared to touch my scars
So I bind my doors with them
& willingly blind myself to love
never to drink of that wine again

To be awash in the depravity of your own soul,
To be bound by a fetter in captivity to your enemy,
To lose the greatest thing we could ever have,
And call it all "very good."

Liberty and freedom, lies and falsehoods,
This people we have become, intolerant.
We have laid claim to unparalleled diversity,
All the while losing individuality, gaining isolation.

We have learned to **** freely and masquerade it as love,
While the greatest act of love- forgiveness- is buried beneath condemnation and intolerance.
Who are we?

We are a relentless generation,
Seeking a fill to the void in the fibre of our souls,
Prancing and skipping from one fad to the next,
Demanding rights for our wicked ways.

What is it that will finally quench our thirsts?
When will we start doing what we tell others to do?
Who are the people to finally break the chain?
We will all die alone.

The embers of my heart laid out in a line
Laid out like a pathway to the pines
Get lost in the woods and
Feel the darkness creep up to my throat
Let uncertain breath escape
See what lies in wait

I can’t do this anymore
There is no strength left
I can’t do this anymore
There’s no faith left

My skin’s so thin I could be a ghost
And fall right in with the dead
Blackened and blued and without a hope
What is there to l̶o̶v̶e̶  live for
I have no grave and must die
Let no one mourn for me

Glimpsing her bathing on the roof,
He averted his eyes and looked away.

Wondering if his eyes remembered her beauty correctly,
He sneakily took a short glance to see clearly.

And that was all it took for King David,
Who gazed upon the wife of his own soldier.

Lured by a glimpse,
Hooked by a glance,
Swallowed by a gaze,
He didn't know the steep cost to be paid.

The early sun dawns
Light spreads out on land below
Good morning beautiful

Another day lost
I don't know the cost
Good night

I'm not sure why you're on my mind today
I don't know how my heart can miss you
after the grievous wounds you cut in me
Still suffering from that
Because you killed not only my trust in you
but you've made it impossible for me to trust anyone else
the same way I trusted you.

You were my best friend
the closest companion I ever had
You were a good and loving person once
your presence in my life an insurance that people
were worth fighting for
Though I am still in love with you always
you can never have a place in my heart
or my life

*I'm so sorry...

All these efforts to keep the tide from taking the shore
Change always comes
Sometimes invited but mostly not
So I learned to sit and be still
Til the water took my air
I learned to breathe again
To die a different way
Better days are stuck in the past
Days that never would last
Pain learned to stay, though
Turns out she's addictive too
Or I'm just comfortable
Or tired and defeated
Fill in the blank here
My words are too small
Vocabulary died in '09
Or '12 or '16 or '19
Whatever year I choose, the loneliness is the same
The same slow-cooked ache between my ribs
That only cider or *** or songs can soothe
But today I face it
I face the tide
Maybe I'll go under
But I'll never have died