when i'm nothing but a skeleton
i want you to make music with my bones

i make these lists in my head
of my ideal partner
and i know that it's not fair or healthy
but i do it anyway

they have to wear jewelry and have their ears pierced
it would be good if they had a sense of anarchy
love of reading is a must, and they'd better read my suggestions
i want someone with a pretty voice
to read me poetry and sing duets with me in the car
speaking of, i'd like them to have a car
because i believe in the inherent romance of the passenger seat
i would steal the aux cord and blast the playlist that they made me

i want to love someone who loves things
who loves to love things
almost as much as i do

they have to love art, and it would be a plus if they made some
because i can't draw for sh*t, but i can look at paintings until i die
i want to go to art museums with them and symphonies and plays
we can sit in the cheapest seats and throw pennies instead of roses

god, i want someone with strong hands
that can hold me and i will just know that they want to
i want to love someone with dyed hair
so i can sit with them between my legs as i reapply the color
and have stains on my fingers for weeks
i want a poet, because i want to be immortalized
in raw phrases in a moleskin journal

but i just haven't met this person yet
i don't know if i ever will

i don't want to write
i want to bleed out
and water the daffodils with my crimes
i need to be cleansed by fire
and buried in the wet earth of my grief

i cannot breathe without your steady hand
pressing me awake
but i suppose i cannot breathe
when your ribs sit in front of me,
waiting to cracked open

do i reach into your chest cavity
and drink of your secrets?
for they do not fall from those lips i so freely kiss

i have waded through thick fog
with your fingers interlaced with mine
but perhaps i have blindly followed my own demise
holding the hand of a stranger

my mask lies on the floor at your feet
and still you ask me to the masquerade

this is not a castle,
though you were once my queen
jewels are heavy
i hope my broken heart was worth the price
of having the pieces inlaid in your crown

i don't stand where i'm meant to
but my posture is impeccable

what my english teacher tells me is
logical fallacy

i've held on to for as long as my blood was blue
it's as close to a religion as i will ever come
and maybe i don't see wings in my reflection

but i'm done being told that i'm going to fall when i jump

"i am so lame" i whisper to myself
after putting your flannel in the dryer
so that it would be as warm as it was when you gave it to me
fresh off your skin

your scent is waning, but i can still catch it
i wish i could hold it in my palms
because god knows it's my favourite smell in the world

i wear it until it get's cold again
but by then i'm already asleep

dreaming of you as i pretend you're holding me

you're all locked up, and
you gave me permission to
enter, without giving me
the key

maybe it's the way
the wind feels
in the dark;
different and breathless

or the light
that bounces off of the
wet streets;
blurry and reckless

regardless,
midnight is the only time
that she gets in her car
and allows herself
a dose of tears, a drop of laughter

because feeling
is a little easier
in a private metal death chamber
surrounded by
broken beauties and unfulfilled dreams

when there is no point b
and point a
is just a fragmented memory

the purple dye in my hair
is fading

and i can't help but think
it's taking me with it

my skin is under my fingernails, now
a daisy caught in my throat
maple syrup dripping from my eyes
bloodshot heart from reading your texts past midnight

i'm not sure if you love me
even though you wrote the words all over my neck

nosebleed
black heart
making paper mache knives
sitting on pottery thrones
cause we're the reigning water
falling from the
quilted sky

please break my fall

lover is a day
by cuco

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

straight up ahead
you'll find a sign that says you can't get by with a lie
but if i stayed away by a thread from the glory path
and made my life harder lying 'bout the stupid **** i say
then you wouldn't know a single thing about how i feel about you
and those really dumb things people feel
i'll take the bumpy road
it'll probably break my legs
as long as i don't show you what's ruining my head
funny thing about you is you read me pretty well
but you haven't found me yet
at the bottom of the well

annoying you with smoke signals
asking you for help
cause your immediate presence lifts me straight away from hell
me and mr. heart, we say the cutest things about you
how you seem unreal and we'd probably die so quick without you
suffocated from the radiated air around us
full of happiness
we don't have brightness
got so dark without you girl

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

family calls me crazy
and my friends say i'm degenerate
but you tell me i'm so generous
and my self worth isn't hideous
this psychedelic canvas of the person i'm becoming
went from horror movie on tv to happy ending princess me
processing the information
transferred from your mind to me
at light speed like the falcon from the original star wars trilogy
feelin' like a free ol' me when i was 6
and no worries would stop me from reaching the stars a million miles from me
sick in the head for ya and no cure has been discovered
like a plague hitting my body
except if i fall i'm just fallin for ya
conscious beyond knowledge
alterations are acknowledged
and the beauty you've inflicted is always in it's action
lovely day today
perfect time to open up to you
but i know you're having fun
wouldn't wanna mess this up for you
but i'm happy that your happy
at least i do that much for you
always glad you're with me
this emotion will be gone before you know

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

time changed
we're different
but my mind still says redundant things
can i not think?
will you love this part of me?
my lover is
the day i can't forget

furthering my distance from you
realistically i can't leave now
but i'm okay as long as you
keep me from going crazy
keep me from going crazy

this was never technically our song
but i only hear you when i listen to it
smoking in the dark

i found places to kiss
and you found a way to let me

i want to be mad at you for letting me

this is the first time i have let myself listen to this song since...
well, since i realized that you didn't have a song for us and i did

it sounds a little sadder than it's supposed to
and i know that's my fault
i let my heart bleed into it too much

i want someone to hold me
but for the first time in two years, i don't want it to be you
i think that's progress
but i'm sitting here with my earbuds in wanting to be held
while you stay up with her on the phone, later than you ever did with me

i hold myself and let it be enough
i make this my song instead of ours
and let it be enough

sometimes
it feels like
i am
loving you
for the
both of
us

i am looking
for okay
in all the
wrong places

distance made a deal with time
to keep you away from me
but little do they know
i tell the moon how much i love you every night
and she whispers it in your dreams

so you always know

you call me creative
but my mind is the place
dreams go to die

they embark on a quest to impart me with
gold stained teeth that smile with some kind of weight

but they drown soaked in the ash
of too many stale apologies and
late night '*******'s screamed at the sky
so hollow they ring on their own

i'm so tired of pretending my words have meaning
but the only things bouncing in my skull are the nightmares
that survived me

so i don't go to sleep

i beg my lungs not to let go
as they hold in the million scents that make up
you

i wish your smell was like muscle memory
always coming back to the tips of my fingers

like those songs i still know how to play on the violin

watching star wars in chronological order
taking pictures of the old cars i know you would like
checking the mail every day for signs of your letter
wearing the clothes you left in my dorm room
fidgeting with the necklace you got me for christmas

i drink the cheap lemonade you like,
hoping to taste a bit of your smile

More than just a dream
More than just a dream

40 days and 40 nights
I waited for a girl like you to come and save my life
All the days I waited for you
You know the ones who said I'd never find someone like you
'Cause you were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream

You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

From time to time I pinch myself
Because I think my girl mistakes me for somebody else
And every time she takes my hand
All the wonders that remain
Become a simple fact
That you were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream
You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

You were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream
You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream

sticks and stones
will break bones
and a knee will take a life

tear gas and barricades
will need first aids
and rubber bullets will take eyes

signs and chants
dismissed as rants
and a point that will keep being missed

my nerves made me a
'pleasure to have in class'
even as they chewed through my sanity
like a caterpillar through a cocoon

keeping to myself made me
'mature' and 'independent'
even as i made myself the **** end
of another self deprecating joke

people don't notice when i'm
'quiet' because i'm always 'quiet'
but being 'quiet' made me unproblematic;
the only thing i was good at being

so now that i need
help

i can't-- i can't

i wasn't ready to be a butterfly
i wasn't ready to fly at all

i found a poem at the bottom of
a cup of coffee
it looked an awful lot like you
and smelled like a promise

but my hands shook so bad
i never wrote it down

i used to think our love was a sonnet
timeless, and completely without measure
twirling, intertwining words within it
containing phrases sparkling with treasure
i loved you like i could be a poet
i said all the words i knew how to say
to create a love you wouldn't forget
when our song came on, we'd get up and sway
like our love could be put to the music
i sang along and you stayed quiet
but your silence was almost intrinsic
my love for you, you needn't requite
yes, i thought our love was a sonnet
a poem that you would never forget

guess it's a haiku
lovely, ambiguous, but
already over

sometimes i read my poems to find the person behind all these lucid dreams
but i get lost in the secondhand smoke of all these apologies
getting high on delusional compromises

maybe theres nobody there, maybe there never was

but i can see your eyes through the sticky haze, made of sky and ecstacy
they look through me, seeing the worlds i gave to you
worshippers kiss all the skin i used to

but its my name on their lips

i picked out my shiniest penny
and threw it in the wishing well
crossing my fingers
and whispering 'pleasepleaseplease'
as you filled my thoughts

eleven years hasn't made me any wiser
just more sarcastic
but i still pick out my shiniest penny
for that old wishing well
and wish for you
with crossed fingers

when you look in the mirror
i hope you see more than a reflection

i hope you see
hair tangled into nets that trap more than life
deep eyes that sailors are lured to until they drown
soft lips that can calm a hurricane
sloping shoulders that carry the weight of the sea
winding curves that even the finest navigators become lost in
a strong build that intimidates the sharks
and a spirit that can capture the horizon

because that's what i see
everytime i look at you,

my siren

you were my
forever
but i was just your
now

i grow, but not like flowers toward a healing sun
i give up, but not like the kids in calculus
i love, but not enough for you to love me back

my teeth ache from clenching my jaw
my jaw aches from tensing my neck
my neck aches from sleeping on it wrong
my sleep aches from missing you
i miss you because you don't miss me
you don't miss me because i was never yours
i don't know why i was never yours

i wish my house had a basement
i wish this town had a lake

maybe my stories would be better if i could tell them right

i can't connect my thoughts these days.
i can't connect my own pieces together.
my heart is in my arms, holding you
my mind in some far off movie scene,
catching the rain on it's tongue
i gave my lungs away because i don't need them anymore
my blood evaporated on the surface of the moon

and your lips taste like **** and peppermint chapstick
mine taste like ultra violet monster energy and aluminum

but i don't love you, and it isn't poetic

i keep a needle
between my teeth
in place of a cigarette

i use it to embroider
flowers on my
beat up jeans

and maybe one day
i'll learn how
to use it
to stitch up these
holes
in my heart

but if i can't, i'll replace it with a cigarette
because then at least my chest won't be hollow

we used to talk
every single day
about
every single thing

and now
we nod
in passing

and it leaves me aching
for the careless laughter
we used to share

but you seem perfectly
okay with
this turn of events

i want to apologize
because this is all my fault

but you seem fine

so the only person
that needs my sorry
is me

i just
want
you
to
text
first

is
that
too
much?

i wear a bracelet i made
with rainbow beads around letters that spell out
"g a t s b y"
because we're both gay as ****
and i think i'm funny

you asked me if there was a
"n i c k"
pointing to my wrist
and i just blushed as i realized what you meant

because i wish it was you
i want you to be the nick to my gatsby

you told me i smell like a mix of my vanilla bean chapstic and sin
a combination of caring too much and the smoke i just had
just the right balance between sweet and unholy

but i still smell only dryer sheets

when your sun rises
mine sets
when you wake up
i fall asleep

but i'll watch my moon
as if it were your sun
so that i can tell you
you deserve the world

even if we're on
opposite sides of it

sodium chloride
and dihydrogen monoxide

separate us

but we still
dream in the
same colors

smoking to die
living in the expletive
relishing the waste

for wasting must mean you have

this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

now this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again

kissing you
and smoking

create a venn diagram

and the middle
is large enough to hold my empty hands

how do i reconcile my warmth with my machinery?
mechanical contraption checking the boxes
poet longing to form a beating heart with only words

the colder parts of me suggest i have some sort of surgery
creativity can be threaded to the bone with stitches

the softer places whisper in my ear a cure of sugar and cinnamon
logic is only an imagined intention

but i feel the pendulum swing
and it stops not for compromise

humans
are so tangible

like paper
we burn
and rip
and if we get wet,
we get soaked

like paper
we come
in colours

but those colours
make paper more beautiful

sunflowers seeping into her skin like rot
an uncontrollable summer cancer
bones breaking ahead of time
a tombstone blissfully cool

my stomach is full of rotted apple cores
i have a cigarette for dinner and wash it down with four unread messages
tripping over expiration dates on my way to bed
i don't dream of you for the first time in a long time
i dream of ***** dishes

we read
each other's
poetry

and talk to each other
like we haven't
stared into
the other's
soul

i would like my flannel back
but i don't know how to ask for it
and i really don't want to talk to you
but in my head i know that means
you've won
in a way i really don't want you to win

can you give me back my copy of Paper Towns
i know you didn't read it, but i don't care anymore
if you read it, maybe you'd love me
or maybe it's the opposite, and maybe if you loved me
you would have read it
but i don't have the time to think like that anymore

what i really want back is the two years i spent on you
treating you like a droplet of tortured heaven
giving you all of me to fill the cracks in your heart
but the real cracks were in your head
for letting me give you everything, and never giving back
you didn't even say thank you

but i'd settle for the book and the flannel

i've decided:
i don't like christmas without you