The knife in the back was held by one,
It holds the bottle Daddy couldn't drop,
Mine crack and bleed because of my condition,
My grandfathers curled up as he lay dying, just as his mind had years before, as I watched,
My mothers shook as I held her close,
I held his and he pulled me down into hell with it,
And my grip is becoming weak,
Its so hard to hold onto you, when the hands are pulling me away.
Nothing has been handed to me, but pain.

As the Mohawks straddle the goal line
We hold our breaths.
We need a win under our belts,
And this is the most important game of all.
I feel the tension in my stomach,
Now in my hand,
As you take it into yours.
Normally I would be thinking of you
But we are so focused on this touchdown
"Hike!" Shouts number 7, and there it goes.
Caught by 22.
Almost intercepted,
But not quite.
We go wild.
Hearts pounding
Mohawk fans cheering
We won.
You grab me in a huge embrace and
I can't breathe
But its not because you're holding me too tightly.
Together.
Without thought:
Thought of consequence
Thought of the future
Thought of pain
Thought of who is watching,
You kiss me right there and then
And even though your eyes are closed
I still see the blue in my mind from moments before,
Letting me know that it is okay to dive in.
As the cheering roar dies out
I see that blue again
Confused and happy
Or is that me?
On this homecoming night
We won
And I'm not talking about the team.

I want to be your chocolate chips.
Frankly, you are the cookie.
You are plain and sweet,
Perfect really.
You accept any topping or ingredient.
She is a box of raisins.
You two could mix
Be a great team
But she doesn't make you pop.
She can't accentuate your true sweetness
Your beautiful simplicity
Your strength. I want to be your chocolate chips
I want to go through the fire with you
Melt into you
Like she never could.
And I want to make you shine
Because the sweetness in me might just bring out the perfection in you.
So I guess what I am trying to say
Is that if you want to have raisins
I could have that cookie too
But I'm really craving chocolate chip.

Why do I always crave the knife
Or broken protractor
I'm sick of this
Never ending **** really
It feels so good to just scrape the blade
On my bare skin
Not cutting or leaving a single mark
Just feeling the blade
Feeling it
I guess I just want to feel something
And tha used to bring me comfort
I want to feel comfortable again
I hardly remember what that is like
And why does something that causes pain
Make it easier to breathe
Takes away the pain
The blood shows that my ticker still beats on
I've never drawn blood
I wonder if the ticker is beating after all
It sure feels dead in there
I'm not sure this is a poem
Just a series of thought
I guess that's what poetry is, right?

Why do people crave tension in love?
I hear stories about how peoples eyes lock and they feel so attracted to each other,
Feel the tension in the air
Like everything hangs on that glance.
That's great and all
But for me
It is not that pulling us toward each other.
That tension is pulling us in opposite directions.

You will never begin to comprehend
The fear I have in just existing.
I want it all to meet its end
The dark thoughts always keep persisting.

Will you ever understand
The world I see through twisted eyes
The silent stares that reprimand
And touches I'll forever despise?

The things that haunt me are unseen
To everyone except for me;
My demons come with just routine
For one to sympathize, I plea.

The thing is:
You **** me off.
I am literally so done with your sass.
Your stares that cut through me.
The annoying way you ignore me to get me to "chase after" you.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Im not a toy, **** it.
Either love me or don't.
Fact of the matter is, I will ALWAYS love you.
I have tried not to. I can't win.
So either leave me alone,
Or hold me while I cry.

Monitor
Watching me
Reading over my shoulder
Danger lies in depression
Fear
I just want to be normal
Dauntless
Not this
Not me
Monitor
Watching me
Watching
I can't breathe
Silence is key
Staying alive
The true goal
But how
With this monitor?

Because when I see your face I can't stop smiling and when you look into my eyes I forget everything else exists and your smile is more contagious than any disease I can breathe when I see you which better than being breathless and I love you.

I tend to want people I don't need and need people I do not want. You are the exception.

White walls separate me from you
I stare blankly into the magazine
Glancing up at the looming door
That I know you are behind
I just want to knock it down
To get to you
To sneak past these nurses
Sneak past the patients
Sneak past the rules
Because I have found with you and I
There are no rules
I find it funny
That I care about you most
And I am the one trapped out here
Waiting
While they hold your hand
And whisper "it's alright"
Even though it is not
I imagine being next to you
Letting you talk
Shortly about brains
But mostly Harry Potter
You laugh in this scary place
But I know in real life that is not the case
White walls separate me from you again
I miss you
Are you okay
Do you need a blanket
A hug
What is happening in there
Why won't anyone tell me
After all I'm family too...
Yes
I'm family too
But only you see that
You see through the white walls that separate you from me.

One smile set my soul on fire
One leap of faith is all it takes
One heart is all each has to give
One moment creates a brand new friend
One sudden feeling makes it more
One sentence is all it takes
One shot in the dark begins a new life
One compliment ignites a soul
One act of kindness could change the world
One hand is all I need to hold
One hand is all I need to hold

The day I left you,
I didn't want to drive away.
Part of you was still mine,
And I realize now that it was your heart.
That seems irrelevant now.
Threats are not the way to win me back.
Neither are love letters.
Phone calls.
It is over.
I was so in love with you.
You ****** that up.
I was protecting you, and you repay me with this.
I admit I wanted you back.
Not now.
Maybe one day, that boy with the big brown eyes,
The one I see standing at the alter when I close my eyes,
Maybe one day he will help me get over this hell you put me through.
Love me.
Unlike you.
Maybe I've never met him,
Maybe I have.
I see him though.
We will be happy.
And as for you,
I hope you realize I did everything I could to help you,
I left when I didn't want to.
You chose to break me.
Your mistake.
I'm moving on.
To find my brown eyes,
And wash away your big blues.

Dear Friend
I do not know what's wrong with me
It's something that I fail to see
But what I really can't conceive
Is why you're trying hard to flee
Dear Friend
I know of late I've given up
But don't look at me like a wounded pup
Do not avoid or just say "yup"
When you know half empty is my cup
Dear Friend
Do not say things behind my back
Or patience I will surely lack
The smile I wear is going slack
And your every glance is an attack
Dear Friend
Not everything is my fault
I wish that wasn't the default
And for my wounds don't be the salt
Be even half the sweetness of a malt
Dear Friend
I guess what I am trying to say
Is I need a helping hand today
Or insanity is the price I'll pay
Because you are pushing me away.

(I) have always seen you differently
You have never (lied) to me
(You) have such pure intention and
I am not used to honesty
As the caterpillars (are) changing
You remain the same
Think they are (perfect) anyways
That is....
Special
But (to) be frank
I do not need you
I am a caterpillar and I can manage on my own
Grow on my own.
I shall go on being (me)
And you can have your flaws young man.
I don't need a mirrored dream.

You have all the things I need
To prove im more than just a seed.
Merely planted in the dirt
You give me water spurt by spurt.
As I grow into a flower
Their cold souls cast over me like an erie tower
I start to wither. Start to fade.
I am covered in dark shade.
You act as sunlight too,
Turning my skies bright and pale blue.
You warm my heart and rejuvenate life
And remove all my strife.
Pain can not forever end
But can be managed by a true friend.

If I showed you who I was, would you cringe?
Would you laugh in my darkness?
Would I regret myself?

If I showed you my scars, would you stare?
Would they glow with shame?
Or fade into who I am, that being okay?

If I showed you my eyes, would you see my soul?
Would you find nothing there, like he did?
Or would you see the flame I saw in you?

If I let my tears flow, would you know why?
Would you tell me that I didn’t make sense?
Or would you know all to well what each salty tear represents?

If I showed you myself, and all that I am,
Would I finally understand it myself?
Would you make me feel whole?

If I showed you who I was,
If I showed you who I am,
Would you show me the same of you?

Look at the white walls shine.
The black curtains,
The grey clothes.
The door is open,
Doesn’t it look lovely?

Switch.

Now the walls are black,
The curtains shine white for all to see,
The clothes remain.
The door is shut,
Don’t you dare try to peak.

Switch.

Open door.
Welcome to my nice clean home,
No scratches on the walls,
Not a speck of dust in sight.

What do you mean…
I… I am sorry…
I just had to clean.
Yes sir, I know it is spotless but…
It really did need cleaning..
I’m not..
I understand.
I’ll be out in a moment.
Closed door.

Switch.

I am cleaning as fast as I can.
It is all going too quickly.
Only moments before another open door
And the walls are black again.
They see gleaming white through the curtains,
They think it is ***** and span.
Little do they know my little arms are scrubbing
Faster than I can comprehend.
Open Door.

No Switch.

Not this time.

He has seen..
The walls drip with ***** water
I couldn’t clean up in time
What will he say?
What should I do?

Silence.

He picks up a sponge
Without saying a word.
Starts scrubbing with me,
This is not his first time hiding the darkness.

Switch.

Each day from then on,
We scrubbed each others rooms.
No one would see the dirt on our hands.
No one.
And in the night, when we were all alone..

Switch.

Darkness again,
And this time,
We sit in it together.
And for the first time,
We do not have to hide.

You stare at yourself in the mirror And wait for things to become clearer But all you see are broken pieces Sewn together into a thesis There are dark clouds above your head And seeing them fills you with dread You don't understand why they say  "Shut up dude just go away" Neither do I I see a kind and intelligent guy You always know when to lend an ear Or when its time to joke and jeer But you can't see what my eyes see Silent always is your plea If you need a shoulder to lean on I'll be here from dusk to dawn Remember that they are wrong Even your failures are a beautiful song I can see the dark clouds fade And for today at least, with sunshine they'll trade.

I would do anything to see his eyes roll as I yell about cleaning up his room,
Or to feel the emptiness in the house as he leaves with his girlfriend for a movie,
I would do anything to hear footsteps sneaking in the front door at 2am,
I would do anything to pretend, again, that I didn't notice.
I would do anything to hold my baby boy.
Just to see him off to college.. that day we awaited never came,
Nothing will ever be the same.
"My sweet angel" sounds somewhat more real and sour now.
I feel as though I have lost myself with him..
And to have him back in my arms,
Well,
I would do anything .

"Do you think peoples dreams come true?"
"Yes."
"Do you think that someone will ever not find that?"
"No. Only if they give up."

As a kid,
I didn't know how to dream.
Santa was my Uncle Raymond.
DJ Laid out the Easter eggs.
Mommy was the tooth fairy,
so if I was good, I'd get a few extra dollars.
I used big words like concentrating and forgiveness.
I didn't pretend my Dad would one day be there for me,
He wasn't.
He was an alcoholic.
My mom hated her body.
Bill abuses my aunt, and I have always known.
I did not know how to dream.
I had nightmares.
Swiper the fix trying to swipe me.
Peeing the bed.
People leaving and dying and chasing and falling.
I do not remember dreams.
Whimsy.
You are my miracle.
We're.
We're.
We're.
I learned how to dream when I held you.
When I saw that look in your eyes when you were dreaming..
I somehow learned how too..
It isnt what it is cracked up to be.
I do not like to dream.
Not now that you are gone.
I have to realize that I am logic.
I am a rock.
I am alone.
I am school work and planning and organizing and predictability.
I cannot be a dreamer.
That is why you leave.
Always will.
I learned to dream.
I will always have you to thank for that..
But I have to give that up now.
The shoe did not fit.
Dreams don't come true.
Dreams don't come true.
Dreams do not ever come true.
Logic does.
I learned to dream of us and love and trust and forever and Caleb and family and...
I give up on my dreams.

"Hold me **** it!!!"
She screamed at the top of her lungs.
She couldn't breathe.
Everything was closing in on her...
Except his arms on her waist.
Somehow, though all she desired was to be free from this captivity in her head,
The only thing that made her free
Was being encased in him.
His eyes shown bright upon her
Feeling her pain like it was his own
He ran.
Ran as fast as he could.
Wrapped his hands into her short hair
Pressing her face into his shoulder.
He whispered into her delicate ears,
He the only sweet song to awaken her
from this nightmare.
She awoke from her daydream.
She was no longer in his embrace,
But she still felt closed in.
She ached for him.
It was all a dream.
Little did she know,
His eyes still shine for her
Even now.

I think the problem is that I want to see the scars in person
Up close
They are hidden deep within my heart
I feel them
Softer than the areas around it
Weaker
I want to see them
To make them feel real
Make me feel like I'm not crazy
That they are truly there
And not just an illusion I have concocted to explain myself
I don't want to reach in to find them
To fix them
If I can see them healing with my eyes on the outside...
Maybe I can feel the healing on the inside
Scar by Scar

Why didn't I cry
When you all walked out the door at once
You were my everythings
The people who meant the very most
And yet
Not a single tear
We shared
Long walks and talks
Boy drama until midnight
Going to the movies with your parents
Not a single tear
I cried when he broke my heart
You were there to tell me he wasn't worth me
And there again to tell me I wasn't worth you
I cried when she lied to me and left me alone
She left me in your hands
And you dropped me
You are a fool
A gossip
A coward
And I failed to see that when I let you embrace me
But I see that now
I loved you guys
And I still don't understand
How as weak as you left me
I didn't cry.

Soon, normalcy will come to an end.
Everything ceases.
There will be no more.
There are no ends to these sentences.
You may make it as deep or shallow as you need.
There will be no more Margo Roth Spiegelman.
There will be no more famine.
There will be no more late nights.
No more breath.
No more understanding.
No more lessons.
No more pain.
You must know that ends are not the end.
Life goes on, until it doesn't.
You will miss the days of normalcy past,
But some day...
There will be no more you.
Don't dwell on yesterday's happiness and the lack of the like today.
Live for this moment.
Friends come and go.
Friends change.
Life comes and goes.
Life changes.
And that is the only normalcy you should expect.

It means nothing.
Five letters shouldn't be different than six.
Why is it then?
At three a.m.,
When I'm screaming into my pillow,
Crying,
Wishing the demons would leave,
Five letters are better than six.
Five letters help,
Not the person attached.
The person attached isn't there.
He is at home sleeping,
Dreaming of something else.
But his five letters are there to float around my ears.
The six letters linger from before,
But five feel safer.
Maybe the man attached to the six loves me more,
Maybe not,
But I want five.
If the name is enough,
That must mean something.

Stomach acid

I loved you then
When you couldn't feel anything but the sting of stomach acid
When nothing mattered
When loving you tasted like Juicy Fruit and salty tears
I loved you still
When you uttered I don't know anymore
When you reached for her hand
And she took it
Loving you feels like that stinging stomach acid
The painful sensation comes in waves
And after a few minutes of deep breathing,
It's almost like you're going to be okay.
Like you won't toss your biscuits and you're ready to hit the coaster again.
But then you get comfortable.
Take a few steps toward "The ball and chain coaster"
And it hits you so hard.
You have to sit in the "Designated Friend Zone"
While the love of your life rides with someone else.
She got rid of her pain.
Her stomach acid was you.
Puked you right up.
And you can't seem to let it come out and move on.
Well come on sweetie,
Someone else is waiting to ride with you.