"Do you think peoples dreams come true?"
"Do you think that someone will ever not find that?"
"No. Only if they give up."
As a kid,
I didn't know how to dream.
Santa was my Uncle Raymond.
DJ Laid out the Easter eggs.
Mommy was the tooth fairy,
so if I was good, I'd get a few extra dollars.
I used big words like concentrating and forgiveness.
I didn't pretend my Dad would one day be there for me,
He was an alcoholic.
My mom hated her body.
Bill abuses my aunt, and I have always known.
I did not know how to dream.
I had nightmares.
Swiper the fix trying to swipe me.
Peeing the bed.
People leaving and dying and chasing and falling.
I do not remember dreams.
You are my miracle.
I learned how to dream when I held you.
When I saw that look in your eyes when you were dreaming..
I somehow learned how too..
It isnt what it is cracked up to be.
I do not like to dream.
Not now that you are gone.
I have to realize that I am logic.
I am a rock.
I am alone.
I am school work and planning and organizing and predictability.
I cannot be a dreamer.
That is why you leave.
I learned to dream.
I will always have you to thank for that..
But I have to give that up now.
The shoe did not fit.
Dreams don't come true.
Dreams don't come true.
Dreams do not ever come true.
I learned to dream of us and love and trust and forever and Caleb and family and...
I give up on my dreams.
I loved you then
When you couldn't feel anything but the sting of stomach acid
When nothing mattered
When loving you tasted like Juicy Fruit and salty tears
I loved you still
When you uttered I don't know anymore
When you reached for her hand
And she took it
Loving you feels like that stinging stomach acid
The painful sensation comes in waves
And after a few minutes of deep breathing,
It's almost like you're going to be okay.
Like you won't toss your biscuits and you're ready to hit the coaster again.
But then you get comfortable.
Take a few steps toward "The ball and chain coaster"
And it hits you so hard.
You have to sit in the "Designated Friend Zone"
While the love of your life rides with someone else.
She got rid of her pain.
Her stomach acid was you.
Puked you right up.
And you can't seem to let it come out and move on.
Well come on sweetie,
Someone else is waiting to ride with you.
Soon, normalcy will come to an end.
There will be no more.
There are no ends to these sentences.
You may make it as deep or shallow as you need.
There will be no more Margo Roth Spiegelman.
There will be no more famine.
There will be no more late nights.
No more breath.
No more understanding.
No more lessons.
No more pain.
You must know that ends are not the end.
Life goes on, until it doesn't.
You will miss the days of normalcy past,
But some day...
There will be no more you.
Don't dwell on yesterday's happiness and the lack of the like today.
Live for this moment.
Friends come and go.
Life comes and goes.
And that is the only normalcy you should expect.
It means nothing.
Five letters shouldn't be different than six.
Why is it then?
At three a.m.,
When I'm screaming into my pillow,
Wishing the demons would leave,
Five letters are better than six.
Five letters help,
Not the person attached.
The person attached isn't there.
He is at home sleeping,
Dreaming of something else.
But his five letters are there to float around my ears.
The six letters linger from before,
But five feel safer.
Maybe the man attached to the six loves me more,
But I want five.
If the name is enough,
That must mean something.
If I showed you who I was, would you cringe?
Would you laugh in my darkness?
Would I regret myself?
If I showed you my scars, would you stare?
Would they glow with shame?
Or fade into who I am, that being okay?
If I showed you my eyes, would you see my soul?
Would you find nothing there, like he did?
Or would you see the flame I saw in you?
If I let my tears flow, would you know why?
Would you tell me that I didn’t make sense?
Or would you know all to well what each salty tear represents?
If I showed you myself, and all that I am,
Would I finally understand it myself?
Would you make me feel whole?
If I showed you who I was,
If I showed you who I am,
Would you show me the same of you?