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White walls separate me from you
I stare blankly into the magazine
Glancing up at the looming door
That I know you are behind
I just want to knock it down
To get to you
To sneak past these nurses
Sneak past the patients
Sneak past the rules
Because I have found with you and I
There are no rules
I find it funny
That I care about you most
And I am the one trapped out here
While they hold your hand
And whisper "it's alright"
Even though it is not
I imagine being next to you
Letting you talk
Shortly about brains
But mostly Harry Potter
You laugh in this scary place
But I know in real life that is not the case
White walls separate me from you again
I miss you
Are you okay
Do you need a blanket
A hug
What is happening in there
Why won't anyone tell me
After all I'm family too...
I'm family too
But only you see that
You see through the white walls that separate you from me.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
They shaved my head
and cut me open
took my skull
and my way of coping
My life had changed
in just a moment
I can't decide
but I might wish I hadn't done it.
I can't play
or practice
I have to be careful.
If I'm not cautious
with my head
I could instantly wind up dead.
My headaches aren't gone
and I'm still dizzy
all you really took
was half my aspirations.
I hadn't much warning
just a surprise.
And when I could easily die
every day is a compromise.
More just had to be taken away
because the last 13 surgeries
hadn't changed my day to day.
It's a brand new world I'm living in
where all my dreams are limited
and they're starting to run thin.
so here you have me
and I'm crying mercy.
six months ago I had a Chiari decompression on my skull. I finally have finished recovery. technically. But sill, my life is limited, and it always will be now. I can't get past that I'm 19 and I feel like I can't do anything. I know it will pass and I will get used to this and accept this with gratitude, but that day hasn't come yet /:
Longing for clouds in shallow ground.
To go back to the place i was found.
The whispers of wind crossing my breath.

In every instant I can see the clocks turn.
Have i come to myself to learn?

In these times of cloudy days iv learned to frown.

Become a clown...
Cover my face...
Live in secret....
In a nightmarish place.

Its all i can do to survive in this space

There is no grace in this empty place
No space.....
No space at all....
In this empty place.

Looking back threw the pages I awaken the memory.

I live in my thoughts in an enigmatic place.
Not clear where the others are.

Its all i can do to survive in this...
There is no space in this empty place.

No space....
No space at all....
In this empty space.

In dream my reality is delusion...
In walking my delusions are dream.

So cold of dreams I welcome to finally fill.

The chill has become so sharp I cant take this part.

Its all i can do to survive in this.....
There is no space in this empty place.

No space.......
No space at all......
In this empty space.

Have i come to myself to learn?

I have to face.......
that someone else needs to fill that space.

No space......
No space......
In the empty space.

Not clear where the others are..... I have left that place.

Left that place......
Left that place....
That painful place.

Clouds in shallow grounds.

*Living with Chiari Malformation, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) and Dysautonomia
My Wings Fail Mother Nature.

In my world the sun always shines behind windows tainted....  the color of pink curtains draped threw its rays.

Someone take me away from the darkness ....I succumb.... feels so dark.

The walls that contain me are to keep me safe..... with its  dry stale air.... artificial  light .... keeping me from flight.

I need the light...... not just any light... one that shines a special way.....down on our  oceans, sees and bays......the one that shines on the defines my purpose so I do not decline.

I miss my mother....... Mother Nature was always able to sooth the pain in my brain..... encourage me to dance.... to sing along.

All this eases the constant shame and for a moment I feel I belong..

She showed me many things  Id never had known on my own.

I learned to swim with her  fish and run with her deer....... she taught me to feel so much,  such love in her heart, she taught me to speak without any words and showed me many of natures cures.

I became addicted to her drawl and now her loss is causing a withdrawal......... like a drug screaming for my all.

Now I have to rely on man...... a concept not to familiar to me..... I suffer in his hands..... suffer so....why cant they just let me go.

Man was the only creature my Mother could not tell me of........ I was only told I was different.... Not like them.....that I would see.

God...I beg to walk in her grass in her in her rains...and feel her healing hands.
"I can't get up!"

I do not understand, its not all about this is bearable at times when i try real why can't I get or play?

I just sit there so quiet as to not even think......?

Can't get up to just sit in the sun?.......... there is nothing left but man out there?.....

Its just "not" the same.

I really do...... as strong as my heart can want to go..... but my legs tire... I can not run.... my wings, to just lift heavy they fell.

I am afraid now as the times I have run well..... in... "deceiving me".... my wings still failed.

God....I can take the pain....all the pain you can give.....It's taking my Mother  from me I can not stand!

I am not meant to sit here and dwell, I do not deserve to be in hell.

To many times I should have many times I just tried.

But you still forgave me.......... I question why....this world is hard and I don't belong....

I cry so hard...for being barred....with absolutely no regard ....such tears I cry knowing  how easy it is for them to just discard my life.

What shame I feel deep inside....

I keep looking to be rescued for a hero to come...but hoof stomping sounds ......No white horse on my  drive...... it always stays predictably quiet.

I don't think I trust man or ever did....I think they have forgotten me trapped in here trapped in this land.

I don't think I'm going to be rescued or swept away.....I don't think I will ever be that miracle in....

....I am just one of the forgotten who hide one to speak of...... as they shut their eyes and cast their own lies in order to survive.

I guess no one can lift me from my one cares I'm not it really doesn't if I cared?

I care about my God...My mother and the few that understand....the ones who have helped me because they just can.

It is ok they laugh at my neck in a noose..... its been always abuse.

Never did I disbelieve in you father...... even when I turned by back in anger and said I didn't agree.

I have faith there is reasons for me to be the one...the one to hold the brunt of the pain.....make me responsible for others games.....make me suffer in another name...take on all the shame.

I can accept this but I beg you now....just give me back my Mother somehow.... I promise to move on from this and make you proud.

But my wildness is somehow...more important to me than I could ever silent words.....  my language she knows.....just get me out ..........tell me my job is done.

I do not mind dying alone, but until then I need to go, there are things I need to do....people to touch and show the way.

I can not do this when my light is dark....please release me so I can show....that my life was worth this great big show.

I need to stretch my wings and fly again.....forget those who tried to steal my glow.

As long as you and I know who I am....your love will help my wings I can sore high above our land.

Please let me see my Mother again.


*Living with Chiari Malformation, Ehlers–Danlos syndrome (EDS) and Dysautonomia.

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