Feed me
Those pretty lies
About how
You believed in me
Wanted me
Loved me

They all keep me begging for more.

Someone once told me
That I was beyond
What the night sky
Had to offer.

And like a silly young woman,
Not knowing how beautiful the stars are,
I believed them.

What a mistake that was.

He pulled me in a dark room,
Lightened by only the sparkle in his eye,
And quickly I awoke
From what I thought was a dream.

My eyes pondered at him,
Wondering where his next touch would be,
And my mind raced to find the zipper on his jeans.
And that was it.

Quickly, clothes poured like rain,
From the ceiling to the tiled floors,
In which I found myself so cold,
So bare against.

But the warmth of his body was all I needed
To satisfy me.
His heavy breath and subtle sighs
Left a trail of goosebumps just upon my thighs.

And my heart fluttered,
Or rather, it skipped a few beats,
When his precious waves,
Flew in so deep.

He was panting, waiting to turn
His waves into a hurricane.
But with a hurricane comes rain,
So he held back this desire.

As the pressure of the current
Became too intense to control,
He pulled back from his hurricane
And let it explode.

What is this feeling
I'm hiding inside?
What is this mask
I seem to stand by?

Why are my feelings uncertain
Yet so very kind?
Why is it you
That lingers on my mind?

When will this feeling
Begin to slide?
When will I be able
To feel alive?

Where are you going
In the dark of night?
Where is the love
That seems to just slide?

Who can make me happy
When looking through my eyes?
Who is waiting for me
To open my mind?

I was once a flower
Blooming for you
Until my color completely faded
From pink to blue.
My petals were upright,
Incredibly beautiful,
And then at one point,
I started dying for you.

You were like winter,
Cold and blue,
Your words left me wondering,
Who are you?
The brightness I felt
At the beginning of June
Faded to nothingness
Without you.


                         What is a life without you?

The pain-
It goes away
But not forever.
It is hidden
By love, lust, fortune,
Maybe even fame.
But the slightest itch
The slightest memory
Can drive one insane.

I remember being six years old
Swallowed by dreams,
Until I realized
Dreams are not what you think.
The sudden taste of forever
Can linger in your mind,
But forever is only a fear
You hide inside.

Forever's not given,
Forever's not kind.
Forever's not something.
You don't understand why.
But rather than dwell,
You just say goodbye.
Goodbye's a lot easier
Than not knowing why.

It started with music,
The beautiful soothing sound
Of strings gently piercing the silhouettes
That danced, the keyboard
Forcefully striking at the ears that
Bled for the composure in song.

It led to something greater,
The slashing of skin
And the oozing of open wounds
That carried their way down arms
And to the legs, where numbness arose
And sadness was hidden.

It all got old, so it moved to the next
And the brain cells swelled,
The cotton in the mouth along with it.
Vision was obscure and speech
Was almost completely impossible
And it moved into bed,
On top of you.

One thing led to another,
More gaining it's speed on the veins
That crawled so vividly open
When the clock hit midnight.
Every midnight became a part of the past
And every season brought new tides.
From music, to blood, to drugs, to *** -
It all became an immunity.

It's like a terrifying drug,
One that pulls you in further
And further
And even further
Until you're addicted and
There is absolutely no way out.
The ****** that escapes itself
From my cold and ****** slits
Laying parallel on my forearms
Is so comforting and normal.
My ******* up mind,
It leaves me with no recognition
As to what is going on
In the present time of my life.
I'm addicted to the pain and torture
That these cuts seem to take away.

My body shakes with thoughts
Of the lies and manipulation
That my loved ones seem to find
So amusing, so satisfying.
To feel better about themselves
Is all they mourn for and desire.
I'm becoming insane with the thought
Of purely disappearing and never
Speaking one word more of what
My life had become, or what it could be.
I am lost and shaken with the idea
That maybe someday I can find
Complete closure and satisfaction
In the life that I so effortlessly call mine.

Your exalt may be intimidating,
But I still want you.
I still want to know your mind.
I want to know the simple breaths
That so slowly escape your lungs
As we walk down a cold road,
Hand in hand - our feet
Gently hitting the pavement
In a synchronizing melody.
I don't care if you are above me,
Because you are a benevolent man.
You don't care if I'm low
And completely broken,
Because you see something beyond
My furrowed brows and
Sunken cheeks, which are tired
And empty, like my fragile heart.

Your love is pending.*

Will you accept my request?
Take me into your heart -
I promise to give my soul to you.
I have no reason to keep
Any part of me.
I am useless,
My bones are bare,
So take me completely.
Don't distain me.
Instead scrutinize my feelings
And take them into consideration.
I promise I'm not as ****** up
As I may seem, as I may have been.
Dig into my mind,
And I promise that you may find
Someone who not only wants
But needs you too.

*Your love is pending.

Our bodies lay parallel
Next to each other -
We never cross,
We never touch.
I forget what it's like to feel
Perpendicular to you.
These coordinates I've learned
To graph over my years
Finally have meaning to me now.
And I now realize that I
Hate mathematics more
Than I did my sophomore year.

He grabs me in his arms,
And for a moment I feel insecure.
My body is frightened, maybe
Just a little more than my mind.
Without warning, he makes me
Feel more complete and beautiful.
And I find myself falling into him.
It's such a joke, for me to feel
Even the slightest bit of confidence.
But with him I feel it all.
He leans into my ear and whispers,
"Hold on."
These two words have haunted me
Ever since the first day we
Locked our bodies.
It's frightening how two words
Can make you want so much more.

I used to want nothing
              More than the slits upon my wrists
And the tears that fell from my cheeks.
              I wanted nothing more than pain.
But now I want something else.
              I want to be loved and know
What it feels like to be wanted.
              I want to be happy and smile
When our hands are locked and feet
              Are touching as we sleep.
I want to lay with you, and tell you
              How much I truly love you.
I want to know what everything means.

The dark of the night
Can bury hidden thoughts
That no one has known before.

It can hold in memories
That have never escaped
And are stuck within.

The night can bring sadness
That you thought had never been there
Until the stars slowly fade.

Whispers of the night
Can tell you things that have
Been stuck in the wind for years.

Salvations that have been lost
Are brought back to vision
And escape from your soul.

The night tends to pull a person
In so deeply that there is no escape,
Until the sun shines again.

Blood races it's way through skin,
Tears form their way into vision,
In the dark of the night.

Whispers arise from the sidewalks.
There are footprints stained into
The concrete where my feet gently stand.
Glancing into the distance,
I realize that many people have walked this path before.
Once I thought that I was the only one.
These people, were they once as broken as I am?
Do any of these faded souls still stroll
Down this cracked path, as I do?
These voices whispering into my head
Are telling me that I shouldn't be here.
This is the wrong path to take.
Like I always have, and always will,
I have ignored their requests and continued with my journey.
The stars are behind clouds tonight.
There is no light in the sky,
But there is in fact a bright image
At the end of this broken road.
Footsteps are slowing down.
Prints of prescience are turning around.
Should I continue, or should I twist my posture
And make my way back to the beginning?
Should I listen to those voices that have warned me?
My left foot seeps into the ground once more,
Before I make my decision.

I know the simplicity
Of walking down a dirt road,
The smell of the air opening your lungs,
Your hand in his.

I know the agony
Of parting after dark,
Your lips shaking from that last kiss
You so dearly wanted to hold forever.

I know the trembling
Of skin that is cold,
Waiting for his jacket to swoop over you,
And bury you in it's scent.

I know the fire
Of a heart and mind,
When you see him holding
Another in his arms, genuinely.

I know the beat,
Of his favorite song,
Which I hated when I first heard.
My opinion has changed, because it is a reminder of you.

I know the vibration,
Of his Adam's apple,
When he speaks the words
"I love you," calm and tenderly.

I thought I knew the person
That I thought you were.

"They aren't as beautiful
as you think," he says.
But they are.
They are so beautiful
That I have nothing more than the urge
To go and create them once again.
I want to watch the dark blood race from them
And see my weights get carried along in the process.

"But they are," I say.
"They are the most beautiful things
That rest upon my body."

He smiles and pulls my sleeve
Back down over them.
"Could it be that you're insane?"

I may indeed be insane,
But right now I feel completely sane.
"Maybe," I say.

His hands wrap around both of mine
And he sits down next to me.
Even though only our hands are touching,
I feel like every inch of our body is interlocked.
I feel his soul bury it's way through mine.
"If you're insane,
I suppose I'm drawn toward insanity."

The silent whispers of the wind
Are gently piercing the wounds
Which lay so beautifully on my arms.
Oh, how beautiful they are
In this dark night, with the stars
And the moonlight.
And for just a moment,
I want to be alive.
The air is pushing me further
Toward the end of the ledge
But my heart is beginning to beat faster.
Nervousness fills my body,
And maybe, just maybe,
This isn't what I want.
But there is no turning back
For a butterfly with wet wings.
The wind will carry it further
Until it reaches the water
And the strong pressure of it's landing
Completely smashes it's body
And leaves the blood rushing in bubbles
To the surface of the glistening water.
The butterfly will not feel air any longer
Although it's wings are meant to fly.
The butterfly cannot regain it's strength,
Although it may not have meant to die.
And suddenly, the whole world shifts.
The clouds become whiter
The water becomes bluer
The sky becomes much more bright
From the millions of stars sleeping in it.
And the world is renewed.
I know what I want,
I know what my choice is.
And just like that butterfly,
My wings become soaked
And my body sinks,
And the oxygen meant for my lungs
Is taken from me and brought
Back to the surface in the form of spheres.
Maybe someone will hear
My last scream for help.
But it's already too late to save me.

Jump, you stupid ****.
   But I need just one more moment.
A moment for what?
   To say goodbye.
What is there for you to say goodbye to?
   My family, my life.
They never loved you anyway.
   Will they love me when I'm gone?
Stop fooling yourself; you're procrastinating.
   I just need my time.
Jump before you change your mind.
   I never would.
Hurry up, before someone stops you.
   Goodbye mom, goodbye dad.
You have only a few seconds.
   I'm sorry I've become so broken.
Five.
   It isn't your fault at all.
Four.
   Take care of yourselves.
Three.
   Goodbye my sisters and brothers.
Two.
   I love you all dearly.
One.
   I can't breathe.
You're not supposed to be able to.
   I really can't feel my body.
You shouldn't be able to.
   I want to turn back.
You can't turn back now.
   I want to go back to them.
You don't need to go back to loneliness.
  I don't want to die -
You're gone, accept it already.

The trap around my heart
Is completely broken.
And the entrance of you has
Completely invaded.
My veins rush with
Your words once spoken.
And my modesty and
Tolerance has completely downgraded.

Your voice is my ******
It seeps through my blood.
I fall asleep to the thoughts of you
And surround myself with regret.
Regret for the situation I'm in
And the answers I don't know.
Questions become a flood
In my mind.

Am I too broken to be able
To fall in love?
Am I too lonely to be considered
A woman in love?
Am I too emotionally unstable
To deal with being in love?

Is it worth
Anything in the end?
I truly do pray
To the seasons
And the rain
And the tears that fall
From my eyes to the floor.
To the sky and the
Clouds and the spirits
Traveling throughout the atmosphere.
I pray to them that
One day this may be sanity
And I may be in love
With someone who wants me
Nearly half as much as I
Want to be next to them.

She begged for you
Just to love her and inject in her
Her own happy thoughts
Rather than others'.
Instead you gave her complete madness.
And you ruined her with your own perspective.
All she wanted was comfort.
She wanted sanity and purity.
She wanted to be loved.
Instead you gave her wounds in her heart
And slits upon her wrists,
Blood drawing itself from her veins to the floor.
You left her with a scar around her neck,
Her eyes closed and her lips shut
Still waiting for a kiss from you.
It's all she ever wanted, was a kiss from you.
All she ever wanted was
The feeling of adrenaline rushing through her veins
As your bodies interlocked with one another's
And your skin, warm, so warm, eating at each others'.
It's all she ever wanted, and it's nearly impossible now.
All she ever wanted was tape to fix her broken heart
And wine to settle her addiction and fix the glass surrounding it.
All she ever wanted was your laughter
And your hope.
No, she never wanted for herself anything sinful.
She wanted the feelings of you.
She wanted your happiness and satisfaction.
She may have just wanted one thing in life.
She may have wanted your acceptance of her.
She may have wanted you to fully
Take in the flaws that placed over her body
More than most.
It's nearly impossible now,
For her to gain any of that, it is impossible.
Unless there's a hidden trick to devote yourself
To a spirit in the dark,
It's impossible.
And still, as she sleeps for the rest of her years,
That one thought lingers in her mind,
That one possibility eats away at the tissue in her skull,
And until that thought is gone,
She may never escape to heaven or hell.
She will never escape.
She will forever be in pain.

The date of my birth is weighing in
And I honestly have not much to ask for
Other than you to be by my side
And give me one of your fascinating smiles.

I ask for you to just hold me and
Embrace my body while I'm warm
Next to you, where I want to be.
And I've always wanted to be.

I only want the sweet sound of your
Sugar-coated voice and the feel
Of your prickled beard against my cheek.
I want your long arms to hold me.

When the not-so-important day of my birth
Finally arrives, will you please, I beg,
Just be there for me?
Just say sweetly, "happy sixteenth."

I wonder if this
Has any meaning to it.
I wonder if my fight for you
Is worth it in the end.
What if I have spent these years
Reliant on the future of us
And created a miserable path for myself?
I don't regret the times we've spent
Or the words we've said,
But what if they mean nothing in the end?
Time will tell, but the sickness in my
Body from waiting for you has
Reached it's limit,
And I feel the virus aching through me.
I may die tonight, tomorrow, ten years from now, or maybe seventy.
But if I am to live for long,
What was the point of focusing on You, and only you?
If I am to live a short span,
What was the good that came from
This bitter situation?
Will I live in hell with closure?
I cannot say I will.
I will live there still in love with you,
Hoping that when you join me
You may admit to loving me as well.
And we can fight the devil together.

It's almost the end of winter
Nearing spring's warm lips.
I swing to the rhythm of my heartbeat.
Forward and back
Fast then slow.
The cold air gently bites my fingertips
And I know for sure that I have some kind of feeling
Left in my body.
My lack of realization to humanity
Was almost as if I were dead.
My heart races and my fingers bleed coldness,
But at least I know I'm alive.
I may be hurting and utterly confused,
But I've realized that I'm human.
I couldn't picture the difference
In the life I was living compared to
Death itself.
But now I know that being alive,
There's more to it than the sadness I so effortlessly longed for.
I'm ready to take my next step
And breathe my next breath
Into the warm spring air that should
Arrive shortly.

It's gone back
To the distance
And the feelings I once had.

I'm used to these feelings
But for a few moments
I felt so high.

How is it that the emotion
That I always felt
Is bothering me now?

I shouldn't feel locked up like this.
I feel as though it's worse now
Because you've left me stranded again.

I feel as though the pain
Is ten times more hurtful
Than it was before.

I want you to embrace me like you once did.
I want you to shelter my heart with yours.
I want to go back to the spark that made me smile.

Why did you leave again?
Why did you abandon me?
I'm so afraid.

I feel that I had much less fear
When I was a little girl.
I had no fear in love.

I had no fear in emotions
And no fear in pain.
I openly expressed those things.

I was confident and well behaved.
Now it's different.
I fear love every day.

I fear the emotions that ooze through me.
And every single day,
I experience pain. Not just mentally, but physically as well.

I wish I could go back to those times
When I was just a little girl
And I was so easily living life.

I miss my childhood every day.
I miss your touch every day.
I miss you every day.

His broken smile
Is what kills me on the inside.
           Cry me, cry me, cry my name.
Just fall asleep to the sound
           Of my name.
I don't necessarily want
You to be broken,
But if you are to be,
           Then let it be for me.
Let your wounds which
So silently slip open,
Let your tears which
Slide slowly down your cheek,
           Whisper my name.
Because I know I will
Never let you go,
And I will easily help you
In recovering from myself.