I have always liked the cold air
because it matched the feel of my skin
and the taste in my mouth

Today I found myself searching for warmth
and I ached for the heat
that used to shoot through your fingertips
onto my spine
in the middle of the night
when you were worried my heart
might actually
turn to ice

The last guy I kissed
I haven't stopped thinking about
I kissed him in his bed
In the middle of the night
When we both should have been asleep

But I woke him up
Trying to get closer
And he woke up
And tried to get closer
I felt his fingers very lightly touch my hip
As if he was scared to press down
In fear I might notice
(but I did anyway)

So I pushed my bones out
Because I was scared he would feel me
And no longer be interested

"Stop."

The word escaped my lips
(I surprised myself)
He let out a sound
In between kisses
(He was confused)
Eventually he gave up
(Not that he was trying that hard)
And he went back to sleep
With his arms around me
My fingers tracing his hands
And still, I tried to get closer

He was the last man to touch my lips
And most of the time
I want him to be the next

As the morning mist sprayed against my face
my mind splashed through puddles of memories
from a time when we came as an unfastened pair

The depths of my eyes saw darkness,
playing backwards the night you kissed me
in an effort to peacefully disturb my soft sleep on your hard sofa

Your arms squeezed me closer when I shivered
from the coldness of the air and your heart
but my soul started to melt, nonetheless

I stared at you in anger and betrayal
as you smiled at a virtual girl
whose name still twists my stomach into knots

The sunset surrounded us when we walked
in a way that felt like nothing could go wrong
because the air was crisp, and your voice was clear

You rolled your eyes at my decision to dress for rain
but kept moving forward
in an attempt to tell me that you wished you cared more

I didn't tell you why I was upset that night
until six months later when the weight of your body
suddenly seemed too much to bear

First,
you'll stare at me
from across the room,
peaking my interest

Second,
you'll strike up
a casual conversation,
of which the topic
will be unimportant

Third,
you'll talk to me
at random intervals
so that I can never
figure you out

Fourth,
our conversations
will become a daily occurrence,
something I thrive on,
cannot live without

Fifth,
you will ask me
to spend time with you,
my heart will flutter,
I will politely decline

Sixth,
you will ask
over and over again
for even just an hour together
until I say yes

Seventh,
you will be
so easy to talk to
when surrounded by
empty space,
it will be the only thing
I think about

Eighth,
we will spend
increasingly more time together,
until all I manage to talk about
is you

Ninth,
you will kiss me
which will not be surprising
but the way it takes my breath away
will astound me

Tenth,
you will make
my heart stop
at the most unexpected time
and I will realize
I am in love

Darling, it is not
Our time and it
Never will be. we are
Two people who will forever be in

Love but will never sacrifice
Enough to be
Together

Maybe it is better this way
Even if it hurts us so

Go on, darling. i will be
Okay. i promise.

I didn't have that much to drink
I could see straight
I could walk straight
But my mind was cloudy
With thoughts of you

I pretended I had more than I did
So you would answer honestly
When I told you I wanted you here

You thought it was the alcohol talking
The whiskey telling you
I need you next to me

It was just me
Lonely and desperate
To feel wanted by someone
Three thousand miles away

My friends in high school
Used to laugh when I told them
I always slept with my phone on,
Just in Case

Four months into my first real job
I try to stop my head from spinning
By silencing my friends
In different time zones on a Monday night

I wake up from a dream
Where I see you for the first time in weeks
To missed calls and messages
"I need help. I am in trouble."

My stomach becomes your rope bracelet
That got stuck in my lace shirt
The first time I slept over
Only this time, I am trying to fix it alone

You answer me before the sun
Lights up my living room
Not laughing at my overreaction
As we both know your alarms are often warranted

I do not try to turn your pain
Into something beautiful
But rather my fears
Into something concrete

That night I brush my teeth,
Gums bleeding,
Eyelids falling,
Phone volume on Max

my friends never liked you,
said you were the reason
I was desperately trying to shrink

I could so easily blame them
for the way I grew,
every bite a stab to the throat

those days were spent
muffling your words
before being silenced by my friends

these days I scream for them
and hear only the echos
of my shameless desperation

your voice is the only one
that calls back
in a confidence I don't recognize

they won't know
when we hide away
for a few days next week

the contoured faces will scrunch
after my wine-soaked lips
sink my not-relationship

I'll honestly apologize
for trying to call them
before running his way

sometimes I wonder
why people wait for others
why we put our lives
on hold for someone else
when our body is the one
we drag to bed each night
and wake up in every morning

and then I remember
how it feels to look at you
and how my heart pounds
when you kiss my head as we sleep
and I wonder
why we must live
as just one body
when we could live as two

When the weather turned warmer
Your heart turned colder
Told me that we were over
Autumn would mean fall
But not fall in love
This was the end of me and you

My friends always said you were a liar
They ended up being right

Last night, you called me
Just to tell me that you miss you
That all you wanted was me by your side
You asked me to come to the lake
My sleepy eyes smiled at the thought

I dreamed of being with you again
Your family there as well
Sitting under the hot sun
Feeling nothing but happiness

It's raining tonight
Just like that first night we spent together
My stomach sinks because I wish you were here
I smile because I can tell you these thoughts
Knowing that you feel the same way

Maybe this will be a new start after all
Maybe we will grow in the ways we always meant to
I can only hope that we can change in just the right ways
So that we might work together

A year and a half ago
(and an extra 15 days)
I let you go
(Forced you out of my life)
Because it hurt too much to hold on

You were never good enough for me
I let you beat me
(You didn't give me that much attention)
and blamed myself for giving you the bat

(One month short of)
A year and a half later
You asked for a second chance
Said, "I will make this work"

I told you I wouldn't try
I didn't care enough
(I cared too much)
and the job was solely yours

For a few days you gave it your all
Asking me about what it is you've been missing
(More than I care to tell you)
Acting like the man you never grew up to be

Now it's been a month
Since the last time I heard from you
(Not that I'm counting)

Maybe you finally realized that someone
As wonderful as me
(See: Things I Should Tell Myself)
Will never waste her time
On someone as awful as you
(You'd cry if I said this to you)

For the first time
I smell jealousy on your lips
instead of alcohol-induced love
(although I think that's in there too)

You tell me your sister
thought I was trying too hard
in my favorite dress
(which I bought for $15)

We do not touch
but we laugh
for longer than expected
(over something so painfully small)

My heart pounds
and the world stops spinning
as I wonder if I'm in love
(quickly I suppress the thought)

and you called me that name
just a few hours before
and wished me
Merry Christmas
but I'm not sure if she knew

you show her off
like you never did me
but it's the wine
making my blood hot
and my stomach turn

if you appeared tomorrow
I'd kiss you
and hate myself
for asking you
to stay

Last time
it was because I hid my feelings
and released them
through deep sighs
late at night
that only you could hear

Last time
it felt as though
the pain
would never stop escaping
from my pores
and the air around me
was thick with sadness

This time
it was because you could not bear
the pain of saying goodbye
when hello only came
after 10 pm, drink in hand

This time
I feel like I am choking
on every drink you have ever given me
and the only way out
is to bring the memories back up
like swords in my throat

Last time
I fixed the problem
with sleepless nights
by your side

Last time
going to bed
became a necessity
I grew to hate

This time
the problem
was waking up next to you
and leaving shortly after

This time
I wake up
with a heart
that feels like it was beaten
and bruised
in the night

Last time
you came back
because you never
really left

This time
I think you are gone
but I am too afraid
to check

The worst thing that could happen
is that one day
I wake up
and don't know who I am

The worst thing
would be when I look down
and no longer recognize
the road beneath my feet

What if I've been wrong--
what if I'm not going where I'm meant to go?
What if my entire life,
my ears have been ringing
with lies?

What if, they tell me
What if you're turning Nothing
into the ultimate Something?

You're probably right, I say,
hiding shaking hands and uncertain eyes

I remember there was a time in my life
when He gave me guidance
and told me that the road was set,
it was just my job to run

I used to run outside until I got hurt,
and since then I've forgotten what it feels like
to press your feet against asphalt
and let yourself fly,
if only for a few seconds at a time

I have forgotten the joy
in feeling productive pain
and I have forgotten to remind myself
that there cannot be progress
in the shape of perfection

There is nothing I regret

Not that time
I stormed out on the party
telling him I had nothing
left to give

Not the day
I didn't apologize
for treating her
like I was better

Not that night
I kept my mouth shut
when he crawled into bed
and we both knew I was mad
about something

Not that day
I finally let out
every thought
from every time
I had held my tongue

Not the many meals
I skipped
in fear of gaining
something other
than energy

I don't regret any of those times
because without them,
I would not have learned
that not all men love equally
and that some will leave you speechless
and others,
breathless

I would not have learned
that those who truly care
will not let you go

I would not have learned
that the best friends
you can have
are the ones that forgive you
when you do not speak

I would not have learned
that the mirror
is not the only one
that gets to decide
how pretty you are
or are not

I have learned
and I have grown,
so regret,
I do not

It feels weird talking to you
Like we're both too afraid
To laugh or make a joke
Or to say something that might prompt
I miss you, remember when we used to be friends?

That time is still too close
The cut I sliced into you
Has not yet become a scar

I'm still sorry I made you bleed
But you beat me and bruised me
Until I forgot how my skin looked before

Things aren't how they used to be
We didn't pick up where we left off
Because when I left you it was 2 am
And we were both in tears
Wondering if we would ever be the same

Now I'm trying not to bring up the fact
That I know everything about you
Because it might hurt to think about what used to be
And what if things have changed?
What if the person I knew so much about doesn't exist anymore?

Maybe you're happier now
I know I am
Maybe you're still trying to find a reason
I don't have an answer
For why I did what I did
I just knew I had to stop drinking the water
To get rid of the poison

This was probably a bad idea
Getting your hopes up
And mine

Sometimes I just want to cry
And tell you to love me
I want you to know me
I want you to fix me
I want you to break me

I want to be the most important thing in your life
The way I was before
And I want to break your heart
Over and over and over again
Please just talk to me
And think about me before you fall asleep
And pray that I love you back
Even though you know I never will

I want to annoy you
Until 3 in the morning
When we both should be asleep
I want to call you
When I'm drunk and alone
Because no one else will put up with it

The hardest thing I have to learn
Is if I really want you
Or a replacement
I guess I have options
I just need to take my pick

Please don't leave just yet
But stay oh so far away
Off in the distance
Where I can see your body
But don't have to read your face
Follow me wherever I go
Try to make no sound
And I'll look back but keep on walking
Until days like today
Where I just need to know
That you still care

I climbed into bed,
dizzy from the drinks
and the dancing
and the fun

Staring at the darkness,
Is this the ceiling or the wall?
I feel the air between my teeth
They are not pressed together
I think to myself,
How sad is it,
that I need to go to bed
with ***** for blood
so as not to feel the weight
piling on my bones?

I am not the girl I used to be--
I used to wipe away worry
like a foggy mirror,
but now my stomach
is in a permanent knot
and my skin is soaking wet
from the stress shower I have taken
and it won't seem to dry

My mother laughed at me
when I said the word
Desserts has always come out
but now I'm speaking backwards

I am not your daughter

They don't tell you
there will be days
when you won't feel enough
to muster up
even a few short thoughts
to turn into poetry

You are crushing me once more,
Weighing down on me so I cannot move.

Is it that I cannot? No, I can.
I am afraid to shift under you,
But what's the worst you could do?

**** me-
It would be less painful than the torture
You are currently inflicting.

The way I think about you
on these days
is different

It is not the casual thoughts
I have about the way
you looked at me
that one time
we tried to study together

It is not the replaying
of when you kissed me
at the bottom of the stairs
that night everything
fell apart

It is not the daydreams
of how I might return to you
in just a few short days

It is when I get this feeling
deep in my stomach
that I think
would most commonly be paired
with the phrase,
I miss you

It is often on these nights
that I get to hear your voice
or in the following morning
when I wake up to see
that you tried to call

It is almost as though
I could sense our connection,
that maybe,
wherever you were,
you were missing me, too

Little fingers
That cannot yet hold on
Wrap around my heart
And stretch it bigger

Little legs
Still learning to walk
Run circles around my mind
Leaving joy wherever they go

How is it,
That something so small,
So tiny,
So new,
Can give such big hugs,
Spread so much love,
And bring me happiness
In a way that nothing else can?

For three years now,
I have had your soul.
You have opened the door,
let me in,
and given me the grand tour.

Now I ask for your body,
the acres that surround
and protect you,
the trees and the flowers that grow out front.

Our minds have collided,
our hearts made room,
and now I want to wrap around you,
touch all of the inches
that you have not shown me yet.

I hope the next time
you feel beaten and broken
you remember the night
everything fell apart
and you could do nothing
to stop it
and you called me
afraid
in hopes I might fix it

Please don't lock yourself
inside your messy cave
and pull the blinds
to avoid the bright sun
as you sleep in past noon
something I've never known
you to do

Reach out and touch me
like that night we stood outside
in the misting rain, freezing
and exchanging puffs of air
filled with honest compliments
and your warm arms wrapped around me
as the sun started to rise

I'm not sure I can stop you
from running away
this time around
because my words will not speak over
the wounds being inflicted
by your careless friends

I would kiss the cuts
if you let me
but for now
all I can do is wait

I tell myself it means something,
When you miss me in the early afternoon.
The sun has risen above both your head and mine,
Shining brightly as I lay sleepily in my bed.
You have already started your day,
Doing who-knows-what in the middle of nowhere.
I should have gotten up hours ago,
Maybe finally done something other than think of you.
I sent you away with no goodbye, my fingers crossed
In hopes you wouldn't find yourself entwined with another girl.
Now the paint on my nails is chipping away,
I'm not ready for a new coat of someone else just yet.
Still I float along in your general direction,
Pulled in by the strong forces of your sweet words and soft touch.
When I finally stop moving, I don't know if you'll be there
But I pray that I can touch you, even if you're looking somewhere else.

If I had gone home with you,
like I so badly wanted to do,
what would have happened?

Would you have continued to whisper
your go-to lines to me,
the ones I'm sure you use on every girl you meet?

Would you have touched every inch of me,
or would you have stayed clear
of the parts that have too many inches
that aren't worth touching?

Would I have felt safe or afraid
or guilty or wonderful
or lonely or at peace?

Would you have asked me to stay?

If I had woken up
early in the morning,
like I always do,
would I have woken you up, too?

Would your arms have been wrapped around me,
as you did all night,
letting me know that, in this moment,
I am yours?

Would you have felt my body shift
searching to find the perfect location
and would you have wrapped your arms tighter
or would you have rolled over,
giving my skin the first taste
of the cool morning air?

Would you have woken up
wondering who I was?
Would you have been pleased to see me
or disgusted
that your drunken eyes have much lower standards?

Would you have kissed me as I left?
Would you have said goodbye at all?

Would I have spent the rest of the day thinking of you?