We were play arguing in your car one night, debating about girls vs guys insecurities and how they’re confusing. I was telling you how I don’t understand why guys hate their ***** and you told me you don’t get it why girls cake their face. We went on and on, trying to defend each our points until I blurted out “but I love your ****!” And you said to me “well you’re beautiful!” And I went quiet. I scared you actually, you didn’t understand my sudden silence but I think thats the first time I’ve ever been called beautiful with that sort of passion. I’m the type of girl who fishes for compliments, I act slutty and start a little drama because I know it’ll get a reaction. Busting out my cleavage and showing my *** will get me comments from "you’re ****” and “you’re pretty” and I believe them. I love it when you see me naked after *** and call me hot or when I fish for compliments and you say I’m beautiful but this time was all different. I didn’t lead this on. I didn’t expect for that to be your comeback. I didn’t know how to react. Those 3 words echoed in my head for the rest of the night. And I will never forget the way you looked at me with some sort of sorrow or plead or anger when you said it. You wanted me to believe it for once. You wanted me to understand that the way I feel about my beauty is the way you feel about your **** but all that I could care about is the way you looked at me and not the road and told me that I was beautiful. I still can’t figure out what emotion was in your eyes and tone of voice. You were loader than usual which usually indicates anger but there was plead in your eyes. As if you really needed me to know this. And even though, calling myself beautiful is something I don’t know I can ever do, I now know that you really mean it. You saw my naked my body and nothing ****** happened and at the end of the day, you called me beautiful. My beauty isn’t a temporary thing you only every often see and I only now realized that. I love you (and your ****).

Dear mom,

I have never felt love like this before
Everything else has been dull and boring
So when I say that I love this man
I full heartily mean it

It feels like I’m in one of those high school rom coms
When the straight white girl meets the straight white guy
Her whole world is flipped upside down
And they grow up old

I didn’t think I would ever be able to experience this kind of love
And I don’t know if you ever have
Because if you have ever felt this passion and love
Then you wouldn’t want any minute anyway from it

My exes never really cared
When I say I loved them
It was completely true
But this one is life changing

The way I get butterflies in my stomach when I see the twinkle in his eye
And the way he looks my body up and down, feels my stomach and hips and then tells me
“You’re beautiful”
I never want to experience anything different

This man has become my body guard
When I feel his arms wrapped around me, I know that I am safe
I know that no other man should come my way or else my boyfriend will ******* up
And he genuinely cares

When I seem even the slightest bit off
He doesn’t just wait until I feel better to try and fix the already fixed problem
He drops everything he is doing to be with me
And that’s the kind of man I want

I want a man that would leave dinner
To meet me on a park bench while I’m crying
I want a man who will get me drunk
Then hold me in the bathroom while I cry and confess everything on my chest

The way we started wasn’t ideal
Cheating on our girlfriends just to taste each other’s lips
Wasn’t a good idea
But you can’t tell me all of your relationships were 100% perfect

He understand me when no one else does
When i say some weird metaphors to my therapist
(Which he frankly can barely understands)
My boyfriend will sit and listen until he figures out the riddle I told him

I speak in code
And he starting to crack it
Even though it scares the living hell out of me
He is trying to break down my walls

Mom, I have built millions on millions of bricks to keep this wall up
You have taught me throughout my whole life
To protect the ones around me and not myself
But with him, I feel okay to break down the walls

He is shedding it layer by layer
Brick by brick
And I am letting him
Because I want to let him in

I have never wanted anyone else inside of this dungeon
But I think he’s the one who can break me free
My dungeon of depression has been home for 17 years
And I am ready to show him my house

I have never been sure about anything in my life
I have always been so indecisive
But when it comes to him
I know that I want to be his

I want to be his one and only girl
I want to come home and see him everyday
I want to tell him about my secret
I want him

So mom, when I say I am in love with this boy
I mean it
And when I say he makes me happy
It’s because I have never felt safer

I love him

Theres a disconnect right now from me and my relationships
But its just me
Its always just me
Its always just my head getting in the way of everything
I can’t be happy for too long before depression misses the stage
I can’t be calm for too long before anxiety decides to shine a light
And I can’t ever focus because adhd is just bouncing around
I’m incapable of thinking and feeling happiness
Because every time I do
I just shut it down
I’m so scared of new feelings and I’ve had depression my whole life
My depression has become my sleeping blanket
Its black and soft and darkens my world
But I keep it because my mother gave it to me when I was young
I used to be young
I used to see a future
But now all I see is a funeral for a girl who aged 20
Barely made it through university before deciding to take her life
Life is just so hard and stressful and I’m only 17
I’ve had depression my whole life and growing old just seems like a waste of time
Everything is a waste of time because even me breathing is a waste of breath
Everyone says that I shouldn’t deny the world of my greatness
But what if I lose the fake smile
What if I lose to ability to get out of bed
Because its 9pm right now and I already don’t wanna see the morning
I haven’t written in a month because my boyfriend is just always around
But now that its winter and he’s busy, I write again
I write about suicide
I write about depression
I write about anxiety
I write about adhd
But writing or talking or cuddling will never make it go away
My family will always be in the dark to how much I wanna die
My boyfriend will always push away the thought of me dying and avoid the topic because this actually scares him
My friends will always be worried when going to bed, that I’m not going to say ‘good morning’ the next day
I am just a burden
But I’m a burden who’s trying to stay alive but I think I’m failing

No man has ever loved me

I’ve only been loved by women

But I’ve never had a mans touch

Someone who wraps their broad shoulders around my fragile body

Someone to tell me that “I’m his favourite girl” in a deep voice

Someone to over-protect me and be afraid of other men

The men in my life don’t love me

The man I’m suppose to grow up with, left me at birth

The man who replaced him, wishes that I wasn’t his step-daughter

The man in charge of my mother, was too busy supporting me to ever show that he loved me

The boys that I liked throughout middle school, never liked me back

So when I say that no man has ever loved me

Understand that I’m afraid of your touch but I crave it

I’ve never had a man wrap his arms around me or call me his

You’re the first man to tell me I’m beautiful

You’re the first man to not always have to fake smiles with me

You’re the first man that I loved who has loved me back

Men are completely new to me

And it’s frightening to be loved by one

You're the first man to hold my hand lovingly

And it made me anxious the first time you did it

Because I expect so little from men that you’re the one setting all the expectations

Every other man after you, is going to have to live up to the path you’re setting

So thank you for setting it up in a way where I am respected and adored

But I have to say that I’m sorry because I am for waiting for the day you leave me

It’s as if theres a countdown in my head but I don’t know the end

You’re a ticking time bomb to me and it’s only because you’re a man

No other man has ever treated me right so I didn't expect you to either

And it scares me that you do

Something must be wrong with you if you’re willing to love me

No man has ever loved me so why do you?

After being in a long term relationship
And always having that security
The knowing that someone loves you
Knowing that no matter what you’re beautiful
That your breath in the morning will still make them smile
That your eyes filled with tears won’t make you any less pretty
Is one of the many things I forgot about that you don’t get when single

Theres many things I forgot but that one hit me like a ton of bricks
I forgot what it felt like to fully never know if someone likes you
That the guy who holds you in his hands
And pulls you closer when a guy walks by
May just be doing this because you’re the easy one
He knows what to say when you want to hear it
And that just makes me wonder so much more

Because for so long I never had to worry about my body
I knew I was big, but I knew I was beautiful
To her
Now, I’m in the wilderness again and I forgot that bears just want to eat
That when he kisses down my body
And slides his hands across my stomach
He may just be doing this because he knows that I will

Its hard never knowing if they have the same feelings
Because no matter how many times he can say it light heartily
It’ll never feel like he actually means it
I am wrapped up in my head again, now that I have lost my security
She was **** at her job but at least I knew I had a body guard
And now the awkward stage of this relationship is just ******* with my head
Do you like me or not? And be honest? Brutally.

When starting to date me
Please be careful
I’m very fragile and sad
And I’ll take everything to heart
I think I’m the worst
Even though I know I’m not
So don’t trust my smile when I say
“I am pretty”
I think I’m horrible
Unlovable
No matter how many friends I have
Or how many relationships I’ve gone through
I will never think you love me
Or even like me
Because you’re only putting on a facade because you know I’m sad
I know you’re pitying me
Everyone does
I dont have real friends
Boyfriends or girlfriends
They’re all just pity

So when you start to date me
Please dont be offended when I start to hide away
You’re getting close to me
And I’m scared of hurting you
You’ll give me your love
You’ll stay up late when I’m sad
You’ll get concerned when I dont answer
Because you think I finally caved into depression
But I havent
I may be thinking about it
Ways to do it
How you’ll react
But I won’t
And I’m not quite sure
And I’m sorry in advanced
Because I will hurt you
I will make you feel worthless
And useless
Because no one understands whats going on in my head
And I’m scared to tell you whats going on in my head

So when you start to date me
You’ll be dating my mental illnesses too
They control my mind and how I think
Even when I know they’re wrong
They’re always right
Understand that I am trying
Even when I’m in bed at 12 in the afternoon
Even when I havent left the house or eaten in days
I am trying to get better
I know taking my meds will help
But I hate knowing that I need medication to feel healthy
I want to feel like everyone else
I want to feel healthy and worthy
But I cant unless I take 35mg of a certain drug
I have to take drugs to feel happy
Even when I’m ‘happy’
I still want to die
I always want to die
On our first date at a restaurant
All I can think about running out into the street and getting hit

When you start to date me
Think again
Because I’m not what you get upfront
I’m not happy
I’m not sassy
Nor am I confident
I am trying to fool you into liking me
Because I know no one else can
I am following societies rules
Because I’m scared of the looks I get if I dont
On my happiest days
I will still go home and look at the pile of untaken medication
I wonder why they give medication to someone who’s suicidal
Also understand that I have planed my death 10 different times
Overdose
Stabbing
Cars
And more
I am not what you think I am
But please play along and pity me

“I know when you’re sad,
I can tell when you’re happy,
And I know when something is wrong.”
She says

And I believed her

“Look at his arms,
You have to admit he’s hot,
His shirtless scene is my favourite.”
She says

And I stayed quiet

“You’re always so selfish,
Never do what I want,
You only think about whats best for you.”
She says

And I tried harder

“Lets watch this,
Look at this cool thing,
I swear I’m listening.”
She says

And I knew she wasn't

“I’ll go to bed early so I won’t nap,
I went to bed at 3am,
You’re just so comfy.”
She says

And I had 2 hours to my thoughts

“I hate my mom,
She never listens to me,
I’m just not gonna listen to her.”
She says

And I didn’t give my opinion

“Read my chapter.
Have you read my chapter?
I need validation.”
She says

And I could never bring myself to read it

“You’re not a real writer,
You write really good poetry,
It's too sad for me.”
She says

And I didn’t argue

“Are you tired?
You look tired.
You should get some rest.”
She says

And I wasn’t tired

The monsters under our beds never left
They got bigger and stronger as we got older
Unlike what the movies said
We was told they were suppose to leave
They were gonna leave us alone and let us live
But the monsters under our beds never left

The ghosts in our closets never died
They became louder with words and learned more actions
They found ways to escape in the cracks
And crept up on us in the worst of times
We were always hoping they were gonna pass along
But the ghosts in our closets never died

The night-lights beside our beds burnt out
It was advertised as never ending
Suppose to protect me from the demons
Keep the light in and dark out
We were always happy when it shined
But the night-lights beside our beds burnt out

The crack under our doors only got bigger
Not physically of course but they somehow allowed more things through
The door is suppose to block out the bad people
Its suppose to protect me from the unwanted
And always keep me safe
But the crack under our doors only got bigger

Our dads always got stronger
We were told parents are suppose to be there for you
Protect you from the imaginary things
But he became the monsters and he became the ghosts
I tried to keep myself safe
But our dads always got stronger

We became more scared
Growing old is suppose to mean growing out of childhood terrors
But the monsters never left
The ghosts never died
The night-lights burnt out
The cracks got bigger
He became stronger
And we are now always terrified

Its hard to write a poem when you don’t feel anything
I’m not quite numb
But nor am I happy or sad
I’m just here

Its hard to write a poem when you aren’t sad
I try to describe the feeling of everything but nothingness
But all that comes out is not how I feel
I try to describe the feeling of having a ******* cloud over you
But thats not what I say
And I try to describe how it feels to have a blade across your skin
But whats comes is misplaced words

Its hard to write a poem when you aren’t happy
I try to describe the feeling of love when my girlfriend holds my hand
But all that comes out, is nothing like how it feels
I try to describe the way she plays with my hair and the love in her eyes
But all that comes out is mumbled words with a stutter
I try to describe how she lights up my day
But all that turns into is sadness

Its hard to write a poem when you don’t feel anything
When I’m as happy as can be
But I still want to cut
Its hard to write a poem when you don’t even know your own feelings

Tell me something
Anything
Tell me anything to get these thoughts off my mind

It can be a story
What happened during your day
Even things about me

Just tell me something
Anything
Because these annoying thoughts won’t get out of my head

Tell me about how Alice fell through the rabbit hole
Tell me about the people at work
Tell me you love me

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts are getting louder

Tell me something happy
Something light hearted
Anything thats better than death

Just tell me something
Anything
Because currently I just want to die

Tell me about the good luck you had getting home
About how someone was flirting with you
How your mom called you today

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts are getting meaner

Tell me about a movie you just saw
Something gross you saw today
Something to remind me about the future

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts make me want to die

Tell me about how much you love the character and hot he was
About how you picked a grey hair out
How we are going to pick our kids up from the bus stop

Just tell me something
Anything
Because I cant help myself anymore

Actually stop talking to me
Shut up about these things
I cant handle it anymore

Just tell me something
Anything
But you aren’t helping anymore

All I can hear is how you only love me when I’m sad
All I can picture is the other guy being better than me
All I can think about is how you think about the movie while we have ***

Stop telling me things
Anything
Because you’re only making it worse

You only mean it when I am sad
Of course he’s better than me
I don’t blame you

I’m gonna pretend to sleep now
And I hope you stop talking
Because now the thoughts have taken over

I fell
Not into a hole like Alice did
Nor did I scrape my knee
But I fell

I was okay
Everything was in control
I was starting to love my body
And come to terms with who I was

I was understanding that its okay to not be perfect
I was understanding what its like to be normal
To not be on medication
To smile and mean that smile

I was happy
Not just the happy where I fake it so everyone else is okay
The happy where I could smile from ear to ear
And laugh like I was 5 years old

I was able to look in the mirror and smile
To see long brown hair
To look at my puckered lips
To be okay with what I was

I was okay until I fell
And it wasn’t a small fall
It wasn’t a fall where I could get back up
In this fall I broke something

In this fall I lost a bit of what I had become
I lost the control
I lost the smile
And I lost being okay

This fall sent me into a hole of thoughts
Thoughts about not wanting to be alive
Thoughts about thinking it would be easier to leave
Thoughts about cutting off connections so I could be sad

I lost my balance
I lost my grip
I lost what you need most to climb the big hill
I lost hope

Because now my days are back to being long
They are back to fighting to breathe
I am fighting to push the thoughts away
But I cant anymore

I lost the block that cut off the bad thoughts to good
I used to be able to understand what I did want
But now all I want is death
All I feel is death

I was perfectly okay
I was loving my body
I was loving myself
Until I fell

Now the creaks in my room are my demons coming back out
The crack beneath my door is just another entry for them to come play
And the block being gone makes it easier to give in
To give up

I fell
Into the hole of depression
I am 1000 feet under
And I don’t want to climb back out