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Oct 2014 · 508
i want to write a song
Carolyn Oct 2014
I want to write a song
for so long.
I've wanted that song to represent me
And who I'll be
and what I will see

The sea haunts me
no that won't work

This is real this is me
nope already been done.
Hmm

To many times
you've gone flying over my head
and too many times I've screamed into the night.
For far to long I've been alone
just me
and no longer will I allow it  
I will forever and always follow you
I will find myself and believe  
I will come out of my shadows and into my light.
Quick poem
Aug 2014 · 534
Words I cant say out loud
Carolyn Aug 2014
Words I can't say out loud.

Sometimes I'm over come by the urge to swollow a bottle of pills
I won't, but I want to.

I really, really like ***,
but I can't have it as much as I want,
for fear of being labled a ****.

I regret most of my decisions,
but I will never tell a soul.

I Don't want to!

Okay.

That's cool too.
Aug 2014 · 930
Untitled
Carolyn Aug 2014
I have a reputation
One I wish would go away

But this world has no magic
For that I'd have to pay

I've met my one and only,
I've met him once or twice.

And I know a lot of stories
No single one tells my vice.

Twice I've tried
Twice I've died
Unfinished
and not perfect
Carolyn Jul 2014
Dear son or daughter,

You can be whoever you want to be,
you can do whatever you want to do.
There are no limits,
I will not limit you to the confines of my beliefs
I will not tell you you are wrong
I will raise you with the best of my abilities
and I will give you everything you need
I will do whatever I can to ensure your safety and happiness
And yes, I will ground you if you misbehave,
but I will never guilt you,
manipulate you
or justify being mean to you for some greater good.
I will always love you with my whole heart,
and the truth is,
I'm writing this letter at 16 when I can't even imagine wanting you.
Dear son or daughter.
You will be the most important thing in my life
I will take every step,
I vow to never shelter you from the hard stuff
and justify it with the fact that I know best.
I will always love you.
Forever.
No I am not pregnant, nor to I plan on being pregnent at any point in the next 10 years
In the words of Robert Munsch
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be
Jul 2014 · 868
Remember the night
Carolyn Jul 2014
My first
Your first,
I used you.
But then I fell.
I fell for you
harder and faster than any other man.
You,
you meant the world to me.
Yes, I manipulated and lied just to get you in bed.
I wanted in your pants.
I don't remember where I was going with this....
I really think this had potential and then it just kinda ******...
Jul 2014 · 1.5k
Home
Carolyn Jul 2014
Home.
Where the heart is,
The title of the page with all the new poems you follow.
The place that provides shelter from the rain
Where you're supposed to feel safe.
I guess this is the beggining of a poem. If anybody wants to add on feel free.
Jul 2014 · 2.0k
A fight with my dad
Carolyn Jul 2014
Me: RIGHT! I DON'T DESERVE WHAT I WANT BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING!
him: I never said that sweetie.
Me: YOU ******* IMPLIED IT
I never ask for anything because you always ******* say no!
Every time you trust me and I'm good you take away my privledesg
so whats there to stop me from doing whatever the **** i want?
I mean, seriously
Like, ARGH!!!
Dad: Carolyn, calm down, you need to look at this with logic.
Me: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I'M YELLING! THIS ISNT THAT ******* BIG A DEAL!
GOD!
UGH!
I just had a fight with my dad, so i thought I'd write it down. Its really ****** actually. Posting it anyways
Jul 2014 · 436
God knows I want it
Carolyn Jul 2014
God knows I want it
I want to do it so badly,
I'm not entirely sure I can stop myself.
Imagine if every feeling you had was pain.
Happiness was like knives in your stomach,
Sadness equaled blades to your heart
Anger left you staggering and blind
and fear left you bleeding from your wrists.
For so long I thought I could bleed away that pain.
Now,
I know I can **** it away.
Step 1: Find a guy,
Then you're happy
Step 2: Convince that guy to like you
It doesn't matter if he has feelings for you,
as long as he'll *****
Step 3: **** him
Then you stop hurting
Step 4: Break his heart.
Then, you stop feeling.
Lying, cheating, stealing time,
just to get my drug.
If I can't find you,
I take a long steamy shower,
ignoring the banging on the bathroom door,
my family telling me I'm taking too long.
I don't know if I want to stop.
I hate this pain.
I hate this.
Pain,
brings me down,
I want to stay in my room all day.
I want to stay inside with the doors locked,
I want to stop feeling.
I want to die.
No, I want to stop hurting.
I want to live,
and stop hurting.
Not great, but i needed to vent.
Jul 2014 · 1.1k
Untitled
Carolyn Jul 2014
So many times I've run away from the man you claim to be.
So many times I've hidden from the man you are.
So many times I've cried over the man you were.
Hidden in those depths,
I wish I knew you were in there.
But no longer can I say I do.
I Love YOU.
Correction, I loved you.
I miss you now.
Not who you are, but simply who you were.
I miss the sound of you voice,
the feel of you murmuring sweet nothings in my ear,
you hands on my back,
your arms around my waist.
I want to say I've moved on.
I want to mean it with every ounce of my being.
I want to believe that you love me too.
That you loved me too.
I miss the way you said my name,
the fact that you called me gorgeous.
The small things you did for me.
I loved you,
and now you're gone.
I just wrote this one, so it's not super amazing, obviously in need of some editing but it's about a guy I loved who is no longer in my life
Jul 2014 · 3.4k
Hi
Carolyn Jul 2014
Hi
Hi is an idea
and the idea
moves through your head
and your head spins
bye
is a reason
this reason is sorrow
Sorrow leads to tomorrow
once again a poem inspired by another poem  that I dont remember
Carolyn Jul 2014
The lizards crawl
on the walls,
and the crow caws,
like the cow
that bows
to the crowed
the queen being crowned
cry’s out
to the plight
and the fight
for the knight
continues on
till the break of dawn
don’t stop,
don’t ponder,
continue to wander
through the fields
nothing yields
the words that you feel
so carry on
till the break of dawn.
I wrote this to rhyme and then it kinda made sense...
Jul 2014 · 274
Untitled
Carolyn Jul 2014
Hi is an idea
and the idea
moves through your head
and your head spins
bye
is a reason
this reason is sorrow
Sorrow leads to tomorrow
I don't remember which poem or writer inspired me to write this, if anybody recognizes the style I would love to know
Jul 2014 · 448
Don't give up
Carolyn Jul 2014
When you run,
When you hide,
She follows you.
She will always haunt you,
You will never escape her gaze
her grasp only tightens as you squirm
To bad you can’t get out,
I’m screaming
Even as I stop breathing,
I will fight for my life
I will not give up!
I will win this fight
I wrote this about a relationship I had with a friend for a very long time.
Jul 2014 · 863
Favors
Carolyn Jul 2014
Delicious
tasty
I sit and savor
The flavor
of the favor
that was done for me.
you see,
all that will be done
Under one,
Below the others
Deny our mothers
The right
to fight
For everything
For just a fling
Risk your life
for a light
notice the night
and tomorrow
know the sorrow
the pain,
all in vain,
The risks that you tell,
That you unveil
As if it's you God given right,
To scream
To breath the air that we all share!
You sit and stare
Above us all,
Thinking for you
About what got you there.
About the fight
You.
We fight You!
We fight ourselves
Carolyn Jul 2014
Glub **** **** glub
glub thumb,
Breathing is quick
**** Glub
Smile
**** Glug
Look away
Then look back
A subtle smirk
**** glub
glug thumb
Goes my beating heart
Jul 2014 · 606
Stop!
Carolyn Jul 2014
STOP:
As you sit here beatin the back of my chair.
Screaming that you have no control,
Screaming about the monsters that you fight.
Day in and day out.
How nobody understands,
Because you’re unique.

Do you really think that?
Can you really believe that?

you say I don’t understand!
You act as if I’ve never felt that way
When you don’t know my story.
You discount my advice for the advice
that you want to hear.

“Just sleep, play games, it will help you be calm”

They never tell you the effect
They never tell you what to do after that
then you get stuck in a cycle.
A cycle of stress, then you sit there,
unproductive
which leads to stress again.

I say you have control
but you refuse to accept it,
because if you did,
If you accepted that you have control
You would have to work.

You would have to try!
make an effort
Do the the things to win!

If you accepted responsibility
You would have to face the consequences.
accept the fact that you were wrong.
admit to what you’ve done

But that,
That dear friend
would be to much to handle

Much, Much too stressful
for your little brain.

The monster inside of you:
The one you claim controls you.
The one you let control you!

Let it go.
Grow up!
Grow up and take control

Force it out,
and don’t let it come back.

You say you have no choice
But gun to your head,
You make the decision

Thats why we have martyrs
They didn’t give up their
trust in God.
Or their trust in whatever higher power or
Cause that they stood for!

YOU make the rules in your life!
YOU Control you and if you pawn it off on somebody else
You lose it!
You lose it and you lose me!

As you sit there beating on the back of my chair
I think these thoughts

Those people that say they want to get better
and do none of the work
They claim to be sorry
but make no change

They claim to love but
do no good
They claim to feel
but shed no tears

They promise
but take no action

As you sit here screaming at me,
Telling me that I’m wrong
Because I don’t know your battle
Because I don’t know your story

Because in reality;
You don’t care,
and as long as you take no action
you never will.

Gun to your head,
you make the choice.
You know your actions
blaming them on a disease
or diagnosis!

You,
You poor unfortunate child!
Yes, you are a child
You are meant to grow up
yet you stay a kid

You don’t know how to respond
HOw to take it!

As you sit here screaming obscenities at my back,
beating my chair
I think these thoughts.

I must ignore,
I cannot win.
He is on his own now.
I guess I’m done
now, you can stop
Its really long and more like a spoken word kinda thing but it's some of my better work
Carolyn Jul 2014
Fact, Even though I met the love of my life and plan on marrying him I dont believe anybody will ever love me

Fact: I dont believe im worth having anything that I want

Fact: I believe that I am a burden on my family becuase I require so much help just to get through the day. I’m not disabled, just crazy.

Fact:I cant be left home alone because when I was 14 I tried to **** myself

Fact: When I was 13 I met a guy that I met online becaues I wanted to get kidnapped and murdered.

Fact:Ive never been ***** but sometimes I wish I had been

Fact: From the time I was 13 to the time I was almost 15 my best friends dad tried to convince me to fall in love with him. He was 50 something. Sometimes I regret not taking him up on his offer.

Fact: I wake up some mornings and all i want is for somebody to beat the **** out of me because I dont want to be alive anymore

Fact: I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, but im afraid that youll realize how ******* up i am and leave me.

Fact: Im so terrified of being alone that I push away the people i love so I can say it was my choice

Fact :I just wish I could be trusted enough to stay home alone for 24 hours. Or get a job. or drive a car. but I know Im not worth the trouble

Fact: I wish my mom knew  that when I said “I understand…” I really meant I understand but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Fact: i believe
I am a worthless human being.
I dont deserve to have anything i want and
you finally made me believe that I might not be.
fact: I cant stand the thought of loosing you.

Fact: I really Really like ***, and all of you guys out there that think you can take advantage of me, believe me, I wont be the one getting hurt.

Fact: I hate the word beautiful when it is used to describe me.
Fact:I may have sent the love of my life to prison because he was too old for me

Fact: as I sit and write this out I realized something.
these were once my secrets,
these 15 one liners that I am different now.
Dont get me wrong,
I still really like ***,
And I still feel worthless sometimes
but now,
I know something about myself.
I know that I matter.

Fact: I know I am ******* Beautiful
Fact: I know I mean something
Fact: I want to be alive
Fact: I am greatful to have lived the life that I have, because I know I could have been born to an abusive father and a hateful mother that sent me to the streets so they could shoot up
Fact: Instead of the previous senario I was born to a succesful and loveing mother and a brilliant and caring father. I was born into a family where I will be the 5 generation female to go to college.
Fact: I am loved.
Fact: I love
Fact: I am capable of emotions other than saddness and anger and fear.
Fact: I know who I am, as well as a 16 year old can.
Jul 2014 · 1.1k
My Eyes are not Window
Carolyn Jul 2014
my eyes are not windows to my soul
they are a mirror of yours
not because I want you to love me for someone im not
but because I dont trust you,
or anyone,
to see through.

To see through the tangled web of lies, fear, lonelyness
self hatered and pitty
I don’t want, anybody to see through that.
For somebody to love me after all of that,
well, they must be just as,
well as aweful as me.

I love you because I can see all of you.
I love you because you are scared.
I love you because you know just what to say even when I don’t want to hear it.

I haven’t let you see in yet, but im working on it.
every day I think about losing you,
because Im too afraid to let you love me
so every time we talk,
i tell you a pice of my story.

My eyes are not vindows to my soul
they are a mirror of his, of hers of thiers
Slowly, my mirror is reflecting back on me
showing me that im not as aweful as I feel.

Im also not as great as you say.

But im getting htere

Every time you call me georgous
everytime you remember my favorite song
or word
or color
you remember everything ive ever told you,
even the lies.

Now, you’ve seen it all.
You’ve seen me at my darkest moments,
youve seen me at my lowes points.
You still love me.

My eyes are not a mirror of your soul anymore.
they are windows into mine.

— The End —