Look, here is a puzzle.

A mystery for you to solve.

You don't have the answer?

You're meant to have them all.

Just read the signs, in faces, reach out,

but never call. Don't ever ask the questions,

that's against the rules. You are the only one

that find the silence cruel. Only you find it to be

troubling. Everyone else can play this game, no problem.

some dream of warmth
some dream of flying

some spend mornings lying
balancing on the edge
between sleep and awake

half dreamt images
of dancing flames
closeness
heat warming their face

or lingering sensations
of falling
remembering soaring
through the sky


meeting someone
share the dream
such a rarity

find and be found
instead of searching
the reason we search

few words needed
when minds mere touch
feel like home

to know already
the smile in your voice
to words not said

the touch of your hand
in mine
without holding

few words needed
none allowed

to share a dream
is unspoken


there had been signs to indicate
you too hid matches in your coat

if one were to find them now
others not to be ignored
remember

tasting on your skin
a silent longing for
someone to share your skies


nothing now in your eyes
but squinting back to see

attempts at finding
wordless answers

some do not remember dreams
they have but half dreamt images
lingering sensations

if you had but asked
if only I had shared
I never wanted flying

I dream of fires

when all is said and done
and all has been resolved
there is the ease of resolution
no more tears to bawl

all is said and done
all the words were said
all the questions asked
all the pain been bled

now you go on living
get back to your life
pretend that nothing happened
ignore the scars, there was no knife

and when you think you’re able
when at last, you’re back to you
there is the faint remembering
you realise you’ve been lied to

the cuts were self inflicted
that’s what you’ve been told
the boiling water poured on you
had no intention to ever scold

but there was a knife and there was water
unfamiliar knife rack and a kettle
in your home they’re not, mental images
held by hands not yours, unsettle

it doesn’t matter anymore
not relevant the truth was spun
you’re meant to have moved on
when all is said and done

we have an understanding
you and I
carefully tiptoe around

no touch waltz game of mirrors
and pretending
we do not see
attempts to follow or to lead
all focus on to hide
enough to please believe

I am worthy of the dance
  

inner thoughts printing press
working overtime
writing stories variations
hundreds thousands
locked up overflowing
when any one would do

finding myself
grasping lighters
hiding in my pockets
desperately wanting
something real
a fire all consuming
destroying what is me
to burn all past beliefs

I would grab old stories
by the handful crumpled paper
dismiss all for just one truth
throw them all to fuel flames
for just one scribbled piece
of any story from you


answers in a conversation
surrendered for imagined somethings
the nature of human loneliness
reading only what there is to read

there never would be fires
or firework displays

no darkened smoke
no burning out
no disappointment

just endless inner libraries in decay

“Come on”
    “Shut up”
         “Behave”
   when one day I burst into flame
     when every notebook I held burned up
           when dusty soot from attempts at art
                                                        just flew away
blinded by the pain
       it’s difficult to see
when every bed is flammable
                       it’s difficult to sleep
       enough sleep deprivation would
                                     drive anyone insane
“Don’t play the victim”
              “Don’t ask for pity”
      “Stop your constant complaints”
                      “Don’t give the fire
                                     power of mind
                                         allow it to grow
                                            into its own entity”
alive but aflame
   hiding with all my might
            they kept asking more
                                  “Be normal”
                                            "Helpful"
   ­                         “Smile for ***** sake ”
               while every glimpse of real
                          gave them a fright
when I in desperation sought
                        for water
                  at any cost
   just make the pain stop
                  while their words
                          created drought
in my life
  of burning flesh
      I kept trying to forget
                                start fresh
                got so good at pretending
                             invisible flames
            my life slowly ending
                 just not aloud
    my silence during emergency
             made them proud
when there was barely any left
  turned to dusty soot myself
     turned mute
        I dropped to my knees
                        I begged
they didn’t waste any time
         before saying
                                  “You have to understand,
                    everyone gets a little hot sometimes”

I save humans
                in my collection
book of memories
                history of affection

I pick them out
                like fancy chocolates, carefully
I like the weird ones
                who will hop into my book, shyly

the humans I collect
                true one of a kind-collectibles
been found and loved before
                but not on pages quite so delectable

You used to believe in dragons, when you were young. Used to make them come to life. After midnight, silent keyboard tapping built entire worlds.

Up the stairs of your own building where they also always lived. Almost shaking grabbing keys, unlocking doors and switching lights on. Attic smells as you puzzle boxes out of way, in the corner, dark and barely lit. You grab the right one. You sit. Leaning against dusty walls. Get comfortable.

With almost reverence you untie strings holding cardboard closed. Not opened since, since you were there, with them. With your hands, carefully flattening, every yellowed piece of paper.

You read. Some out loud. You know them. Never really forgot. Some read walking back and forth. Some softly sung. Some tugging on old scars. Some naively loving in a way you wish you could. Some screaming to be loved in a way they didn’t know they would.

You hold them to you. Wipe tears, old and new. The worlds you built once. Undeserving. You’ll take them with you.

You used to believe in dragons. Now you believe in you.

If only I could talk to you
                        I'm here
If only I knew what to say
                        Anything
I don’t know what to do
                        No need
I just want you to stay
                        I'm here

If only I could read your mind
                        Ask anything
never know what words to use
                        I'll tell you
You've always been so kind
                        So have you
Maybe I'm just too bruised
                        I'm here for you

I’d like to tell you how I feel
                        I hear it
how much you've helped me heal
                        I'm proud of you
tell you what you mean to me
                        I feel it
send my thoughts and make you see
                        I love you too

I wish I could be better for you
                        You are enough
be what you deserve, every day
                        You are everything
there is nothing I wouldn't do
                        Nothing needed
If only there was a way
                        I just need you

I owe so much already
                        Nothing to repay
I put it all on you, leaned heavily
                        I'm here for it
You carried it all somehow
                        Because I love, it's easy
But I’m scared to be myself now
                        I'm sorry

I found such comfort on your skin
                        I found comfort in you
Forgiveness in your touch
                        Nothing to forgive
It's why it feels like such a sin
                        Nobody is perfect
To be too much
                        I want all of you

It seems to all go wrong
                        If only we could talk
you, halfway out the doorway
                        We'll figure out what to say
I don't want to string you along
                        I don't know what to do
I’ll just stay away
                        I just want you to stay

you are a treat
best enjoyed in moderation
in a world where it is ugly to make
any such communication

you are a treat
junkfood, excessive partying
something people want until
their every day routine starts faltering

you make people feel alive
flames lighting up their skies
until the constant light show
made them feel nothing but tired

you are a treat, a rarity
the world through rose tinted glasses
more dreams, ideas and exploration
when what they wanted was less

simple dreams are easy wins
not suited for your crazy whims
when all they needed was to say
this is no place for a fireworks display

you are the one
that fell from the sky

content with the falling
aware of the landing
people pleaser in a flying suit

didn't ask
for a parachute

.

you are the one
that fell from the sky

no grounds or attachments
no worries fly by
no thoughts of before

breathing fast air
wanting more

.

you are the one
that fell from the sky

brace yourself
halfway through
tense and confused

fall hard every time
end up bruised

.

you are the one
that fell from the sky

brand new attire
back up again
metal box plane

preparing new you
for no hint of shame

.

you are the one
that fell from the sky

ready to fly
enter the stage
from such a height

remember only then
your stage fright

.

you are the one
that fell from the sky

content with the falling
aware of the landing
people pleaser in a flying suit

didn't ask
for a parachute

images of people
are always limited
reality always messier
than one photograph
no matter how well portrayed
messiness never shown
and chaos never imagined
as any more real than
a temporary state
of the journey to the real goal

true connection
nothing to be dismissed
as much as any force fed image
of its nature is
the all consuming something
more and less tangible than reality
no more than a lie to keep us trying
no consumer motivated reason
for the constant sandpaper
to ourselves
will make it less of a betrayal
to that childhood dream

one day, I will not fear
one day, who I am will be seen
one day, what is my good
will be appreciated
as much as I am able
to imagine and more

if only I am able to not be myself

Like first time seeing stars in skies free of city lights.
Like late summer sun reflected golden in lake waves.
The light I see in you, through your eyes, right behind your face.

Through states or circumstance, that will make it feel afar.
I see golden lights, the dream, that defines who you are.

You have such stories, but no paper. Forced to make it from scratch.
While knowing the perspectives of the world that only you can catch.

I see fierce beauty in your bleak depiction of reality.
Disillusionment and disappointment,
because you know what reality was supposed to be.

At night you are a paper maker, while humming horrors of the world.
Words yearning for a canvas, with impatience, needing to be heard.
Words of night time skies, making paper makes you glow.
Dancing to the melody of light, in duet with your own shadow.

Because the world is clear to you, you make others see it too.
With such excitement, I just wait. I can see the future thanks to you.

A day of paper, you write light, for everyone to see. Your art.
The light I see through your eyes, right behind your face,
that defines who you are.

You are a master of pretending,
even when your life is ending.

An artist of escape
to avoid every heartache.

Most well dressed stranger
at any masquerade.

Who you meet in the mirror,
worthy of none of your affection.

It is difficult to love yourself
without a reflection.

some words only some will hear
colours only some will see
faces in the crowd will know
those with hands that speak
words only some will hear

a constant on the tip of tongue
in the back of mind
always smelling something there
a faint remember when

whispered songs around me
always dancing, restless
dreaming what could be
with glass shards stuck in my feet
breaking through skin, potential
of the only real unknown

all that’s there of me
red trampled footsteps left behind
hearing music all around me
feeling out of my mind

a shout, a whisper, siren song
a wish, a curse, to belong

broken shards from inspiration
long since forgot
grabbing them from broken soles
knowing what they are

stories wanting to be told
with words only some will know