I try
To stop
The thoughts
That haunt
My sleep.

But when
I push
Them out
They claw
Their way
Back in
My dreams
And become
Night terrors.

Nightmares of
Us laughing,
Us dancing,
Us talking,
Us walking,
Us living,
Us being
Together again.

When I
Wake up,
The hole
In my
Heart grows
A little
Bigger than
It had
Been before.

You're gone.
And all
I have
Left from
Your presence
Are these
**** memories.

*F you.

Today is my birthday,
And unsurprisingly
I haven't yet heard from my family.
I texted my twin
Late last night and early this morning,
But my texts have gone unanswered.
I miss her.
I miss all of them.
I was a fool of a child,
Writing all those stories
In which I'd leave them
And start over somewhere
Completely new
With people who didn't know my past
Or care.
All I wanted as a kid
Was to have a different family,
But now all I want is mine back.
It all went so very wrong,
And I don't know if I can fix it.
I don't know if it's even fixable.
I doubt that it is.
So all I'm left with are the memories.
It hurts, you know, to be left.
I think I always knew it would,
So I dreamed of doing the leaving,
But I loved them
And some part of me couldn't leave.
So I stayed
Until they had one by one left me.
I know it wasn't easy for them to stay.
Just because we're family
Doesn't mean that we're required
To stay in each other's lives.
But I chose to stay,
And it hurts
That they didn't choose the same.
I guess I should do what they have done:
Form a new family
With the people I want to be around
And who want to be around me.
But all I want is them.

I want to feel their arms wrap around me
In a great big hug.
I want to share
In their triumphs and successes;
I want to cry with them
In their failures and sorrows.
I want to laugh with them
The bellyaching, deep-chested guffaw.
I want to fall asleep
Knowing they are near.
I want to reach out and hold their hand,
And look down to see the skin
So similar in tone.
I want to eat a meal with them.
I want to hear the sound
Of our voices melded in harmony
Sing together.
But most of all,
I want to enfold them in my arms
And say, "I love you with all my heart."
And have them say it back or "Me too."
I want to know
They are safe and happy and healthy.
I want to soothe their fears and anxieties
With a hot cup of tea
And a good laugh or cry.
But most of all,
I want to look into their eyes,
To say nothing,
Just to gaze again at the depths there.
I want to stand with them
Through everything they face,
Shoulder their burdens,
Put a smile in their eyes.
But most of all,
I want us to say,
I love you.
I love you too.
I love you four.
I love you infinity.
I love you more.
I want them to know love--
Unconditional, freely-given,
Unyielding and unwavering love.
And I want them to see
They're my family,
And that I will love them.
*Always.

“If you could be anywhere in the world

At this exact moment,

Where would you choose to be?”

I choose the easternmost point

Of Acadia Maine at sunrise.

Cold, salty ocean spray in my face,

Warm thermos of cocoa in my hands

And the promise of a new day

Being made right before my very eyes.

What could be more reassuring?

What could be more solidifying?

To know that no matter

What happened in the days or weeks

Or months or years or decades

Before,

Today, right now, at this exact moment,

It is all behind you,

It is all in your past.

And that sunrise you’re watching

Over cresting crashing white topped waves

In the cool breeze of morning

With the scent of dirt and earth and trees

Carried on the wind that also brings

The call of the morning dove and thrush

And Phoebe-bird,

Is the promise you’ve been waiting for.

The promise that you’re gonna be okay

Because today, today is a new day.

It's taken me awhile
To catch my breath today.
But when i eventually did,
I realized it was because
My brain was not thinking of you.
All of your problems,
All of your wounds,
All of your insecurities,
All of your doubts,
Were not at the forefront
Of my waking consciousness.
I'm not saying I don't care about you,
Because I verily do.
But honestly, it was good to take a break
And forget it all,
Even if it was only for a few breaths.

I bet you don't know
How I waited for you
To come home,
Scared I'd never see you again.

I bet it never occurred
To you that I was frightened
Of how quickly
Your eyes would turn black.

I bet you don't understand
Why I had to go to bed
After I heard everyone
Come home and the front door lock.

I bet you didn't hear
Me wake up hours earlier
Than everyone else
So I could make sure everyone was still there.

I bet you don't know
What is was like
For me growing up
As your daughter.

I bet you don't know
What it is like
For me as an adult
Without a mother.

Every time you walked out
Because you were angry
At my dad or me or my sisters
I sat by the front window.

Every time I saw your eyes
Go from greenish blue
To cloudy black
I steeled myself for the beating.

Every time I went to bed
I prayed to God
That if He was good
My family would come home safe.

Every time I woke up
I went from bed to bed
Checking that my family
Was still there and alive.

Growing up I was
Proud and honored
When people would say
"You're HER daughter!"

As an adult now
I avoid any talk of you,
Association with you,
Knowledge of you.

It was good,  
For the most part
"Basically good,"
Having you for a mother.

Even though missing you
Hurts my heart every day,
I have to say resoundingly,
"Not being abused feels better."

The time has come.
I must now say farewell.
But don't be glum!
You will see me again.

I'm going to make my name known
Across the ocean in a foreign land.
I'm going to experience the world
So as to soak up the wisdom of others.
And they will know me--

My name will ring like a battlecry.
My stories will entertain the passerby.
They will chant for me "Encore! Encore! Brava!"
They will throw themselves into the midst of the hoopla.
And when I've exhausted their reserves of attention,
I'll head home and be done with pretention.

For in all the traveling I'll do,
No one will know me like you.

And no matter how good
The fame makes me feel,
They will only know
My name as a battlecry,
My stories for the passerby,
How they chant "Brava",
And throw themselves into the hoopla.

But you will know
My favorite color is grey.
My hair is naturally straight.
My jam band is Train.
And most of all...
My real name.

Wait, why am I leaving?
To travel and meet Sting?
Why would I waste my days
Scouring the world for fame
When happiness is being known
By the One who loves you the most?

I think I'll retract my farewell,
That I might stay and with You dwell.

Leaves falling slowly
The cold wind bites me gently
My heart longs for heat.

Oh child, be not dumb!
Hear what I have to speak:
Don't look back ever.

There is more than this
I promise and guarantee
Just keep pressing on.

To be warm, I am
To be safe, I know I am
Can't you see I am?

The windows are only six inches wide
And just under two feet long.
More of a slit to the outside world
Than actual viewing panes.
All day long I'd been able to ignore
The traffic that constantly passed.
Yet a ****** of awareness
****** my head up
At the exact moment
You walked by.

And I remembered
How back in the day
When we were inseparable,
I could always pick you out of a crowd;
How back in the day
When we read each others' thoughts,
I always knew when you entered the room;
How back in the day
When we would fall asleep side by side,
Your hand always found mine.

My hand tingled for a millisecond
In tactile remembrance.
But as quickly as it came, it faded,
And I turned my eyes away,
For what right have I to such memories?
They were memories we made together,
And together we should have kept them.
But you chose another to love instead
And so moved on from me,
From keeping any of our memories.
And though it be painstaking,
I've followed your lead
And slowly but surely
Let go of each fading memory from my mind.

But before I let this last one go,
I wonder in passing:
Do you still have that ****** too?
For when I looked up thru the window,
So did you.

It was 27 minutes past 1 o'clock in the morning.
I stood staring down at her
Curled up form on the couch.
No one knew.
I reached out to smooth back her hair
But my hand passed right through.
Fingers curling into fists,
I step back in a cloud of mist
And waited for answers to be given.
But there are no answers in death.
I stare at her unable to comprehend
How she could just lie there
When I was standing here.
So I started to scream, to yell, and to shout.
I banged on the wall and slammed all the doors.
Nothing.
No one knew.
I raced up the stairs to where the others slept.
They stirred not an inch as I reached out to pinch
Their snoring, ignoring selves.
Heavy footsteps fell as I trod back downstairs
To the room in which she slept.
The clock now read 1:28.
How could this be?
How could she sleep?
I was right here!
But then again, I was right there too,
Dead on the couch.

Today I'd like you to raise your glass
For I've someone I'd like to toast.

Her hair curls like a corkscrew
And I've always been envious.
Exotic beauty shapes her eyes
And ears and lips and nose,
And I always wished I looked like her.
It isn't merely her looks I covet,
For she has a brain with intellect
That rivals the best rhetorician
From Plato to Hobbes to Sartre.
Pick any topic and she'll begin to debate
With practiced ease
Until the other's hand is thrown up
In plain defeat.
But it isn't just her forensic skills
That I wish to possess.
There is yet more to this curl topped girl.
Her heart is bigger than the world.
She loves with compassion
And sympathy
Like I've never witnessed before.
This is what I envy and covet the most,
For where her heart of gold lies,
Mirrored in me is just stone.

She may be younger in years
But she's always been a hero of mine.
And I hope I will continue to be in awe
As she shows the world
Who we all can strive to become.

To my sister.
Sláinte

When dusk settles
And the orange fades to violet,
When night falls
And the moon rises in the sky,
When children slumber
As the stars twinkle in the distance,
I finally let my thoughts drift to you.
To balconies littered with African violets.
To macaroni and cheese with cherry tomatoes.
To your ever raspy voice
As it wove into my imagination
The sepia-toned memories of your youth.
To pushing your wheelchair
Up and down the hills of the zoo.
To saying goodbye on that windswept hill
Overlooking the city you so loved
And will forever watch over.

When trains rattle
Across iron-wrought tracks,
When dreams ensnare
My subconscious during the day,
When someone calls out
My full untruncated name,
Your face rises unbidden to my mind.
The baby blanket you sewed for me
Before you even knew me.
The gameboy you kept for me
To play with on our "special days".
The letters you penned faithfully
To the seven-year old me,
Though I was no longer "officially" yours.
The pain at having to say goodbye
But not knowing where you are.

To the great- and step- grandmothers
who had no obligation
Towards me to love or care or cherish
But did so anyways every day
You were in my life
Before the Fates cut your threads,
I love you, and I thank you.

A thousand summer suns
Could never melt my heart
Like a day with you in the garden.

A million working ants
Could never carry me away
Like watching clouds with you on the lawn.

A billion drops of rain
Could never whet my thirst
Like a night with you neath the stars.

Wherever I go, I see you.
Wherever I am, you are.

We may fight and struggle,
We may bicker and spar,
but at the end of day
I remember this:

A thousand summer suns
Have not melted my heart;
Yet a single day with you has.

There's a Mexican saying,
(I'm Chinese American and yet i know this;
don't ask me how or why,
because if you knew how much
i talk about you, i think i'd die.)

There's a Mexican saying,
"It's a small step from hate to love."

I hated that you pulled me up
in front of a full room
and pointed out my ****.
granted you weren't saying
anything about my ****
but more the fact that we were wearing
the same style of checkered shorts.

i hated that you didn't make sense
when you told our friends
about your grand scheme
to start a library with two books.
who starts a library with two books?!?
YOU CAN'T!

i hate that at dinner that night,
i actually enjoyed talking to you,
bantering and bickering
laughing and smiling.
and then "you two are like an old married couple".

i hate that you started calling me
when your granddad passed away
because you couldn't talk to anyone else.
and we'd talk for hours and hours
because we actually had that much to say.

i hate that you wanted to spend time with me.  
i hate that you wanted to see me.
i hate that you wanted to help me.
i hate that you wanted to get to know me.
i hate it because i wasn't expecting it.

and the hardest thing is that we're just friends.
i don't know when it happened and i don't know how.
but i can't just be friends with you.
i don't want to be just friends with you.
because i took that small step…
from hate to love.

ok, so i don't love that you pointed out
to a room full of friends and other people
that my **** was in a pair of shorts
much like yours.
but i love that you noticed me.

i don't love that you think a library is two books.
but i love that you like what i like.

i don't love that people think
we're an old married couple.
but i love that i want to be
an old married couple with you.

i don't love that you used up
a lot of my cell phone minutes,
but i love that you didn't want to talk to anyone else.

i love that you want to spend time with me.
i love that you want to see me.
i love that you want to help me.
i love that you want to get to know me.
and i love that i'm in love with you.

i wish i could tell you.
i wish i could say it out loud.
I'm wishing my whispers at night
on the first star in the night sky
come true because i'm wishing for you.

I'm sorry I hurt you.
I never meant to.
I thought the lies were for your own good.
I didn't know they'd be misunderstood.

You were my best friend.
And you'll always have a piece of my heart,
Even until my most bitter end.

I'm sorry.
Goodbye.

I made it my daily habit
To paint on a face of "I can do this."
No one knew of the bleeding stripes
On my back or heard my silent cries.
They only saw the laughter
On my lips that never reached my eyes.
They only heard the embellished tales
I spun to hide the shake in my voice
When I tried to avoid
Talking about my real life.
Covered up and hidden away
Were all my bruises and wounds.
No wonder no one believed me
When I wiped the mask off my face,
When I stopped spinning yarns,
And uncovered my back and lifted my eye,
And laid bare my soul for them to see.
They thought it another trick,
A story for them to dismiss,
Instead of the plea for help and mercy
I had finally drummed up the courage to make.
It is fear that drove me to hide.
Fear and my most stubborn pride.
I wanted to be whole more than anything else.
But the truth is that I'm broken and in need of help.

Now, though, there's none who believe
The words of truth from my mouth
For I've spent far too long hiding behind
The words of an embellished life.

Almost made it to the state line.
I was headed your way
To give you a piece of my mind
Because I've got a whole hell of a lot to say.

I wanted to tell you
How much it hurt
When I finally knew
That all my hopes were shattered.

I wanted to scream
So very many things
About the pain I've endured
And the losses incurred.

I wanted you to feel
The shame and loss and guilt
I think should be forcing you to kneel
And beg for forgiveness.

But then I passed the sign
That changed Central to Mountain time,
And I realized I can't change your mind,
And the words on my lips died.

So turned my car around
And drove the 6 hours back to town
And home.

And when I'd relayed
What I had attempted today
To a couple of friends
I knew this was the start of the end

Of me giving you
Another thought,
Another chance,
Another moment of my time,
Another place in my life.

Do you know what they said
When I finished my story?
"Thank you for turning around.
Thank you for coming home."

And they're right, you know.
I am finally home.

She looks out the window
At the thick sheen of ice
That covers the road.
People huddle and shuffle
In great huffs of warm breath
As they try to move on in their lives.
They try to ignore their wobbly legs
And shifty, slidey, slippery feet
On patch after patch of ice.
They've got great things to do
And many places to be,
So they battle the weather
That is set to defeat them.
But she sits amongst pillows
With fuzzy blankets and cocoa,
Content to let the world go on outside.
She'll just recline at the window
Reading her poems with satiated sighs.

Tucked away in a hidden pocket
Of an old worn leather wallet
Is a faded folded Polaroid
I take out for yet another glimpse.

The wall bears a breach
In its otherwise impeccable face.
A breach of small measures,
But a breach nonetheless.
The breach became a door
That welcomed the outside world
To entry and discovery
Of all the treasures
Hidden away behind
The sky-high walls.

But the door became worn
With misuse and abuse,
And the breach that had been welcomed
Became a source of ire and disgust.
Now every entrant eyed with mistrust;
How can the inhabitant show care for those
Who show her city no care of their own?  

The golden rule her standard,
Yet her soul grows tired of mistreatment.
No one else lives by that standard,
Rather choosing to live selfishly
According what's best for their self.
Should she not take instruction
From all who surround her
And do the very same:
Put her city's needs above every other being.

A steeled jaw is the only sign of her choice.
That and:

The walls take on their own life,
Magicked to always protect.
They slowly work to remove the door
And fill the breach;
A perfect impenetrable stone face once more.

Ours is a tale not meant for the telling.
No warnings or heedings need be passed on.
Ours is a story just meant for the living
And letting go into the forgotten history of humanity.

And yet I have each letter, each note, as keepsake;
To what end, I still haven't figured out.
I wish I could forget you
Like you've so easily forgotten me,
But my memory was always that much better--
Your external hard drive you called me--
Now my blessing to curse has turned.

Except, even without the physical mementos,
I would still be able to close my eyes and
See my hand reach out to that one errant lock of hair,
Hear your boisterous unbridled mirthful laughter,
Taste the savory meal your willing hands prepared,
And bask in the leftover glow of a lost true love.

With my eyes closed, we still exist.
With my eyes closed, we always exist.

But my eyes can't stay closed forever.
I have to open them now.
And I hope that when I do,
I'll hate myself a little less for ever loving you.

I will never understand you.
And that's our great tragedy.

Do you grow weary
By day's end?
Do your bones ache
With an ancient pain?
Do your eyes wax dim
As your strength fades?
Do you grow weary
By day's end?
Does your heart repine
With dreams?
Does your soul languish
For peace?
Do you grow weary
By day's end?
Do you trudge to bed
With tears unshed?
Do you grow weary
By day's end?

Or like me,
do you awake
And start your day
Wearied and humbled
From all the days
That came before?

I strip down and look in the mirror.
I see your mark everywhere.
The scars you put on my body
And the scars you put on my soul.
The scars I made with my own hands.
All these scars that carved a hole
In me, unfillable abyss.

Then my eyes trace familiar lines
From the crows feet at my cheeks
And I can't help but stare
At the genetic inheritance
You left to me.
These angled ****** planes and
Auburn highlighted hair
Are all I have left of you.
My last mementos.

The longer I stand with my scars in the mirror,
The more the pain becomes real.
The more times I trace the last of you in my face,
The smaller the imprint of your touch on me becomes.

The double-edged sword of reality:
You hurt me,
You raised me,
You hated me,
But I think you also loved me.

Confusion first swirls
Then quickly fades.
For none of that matters now does it?

All I know is you're gone
And that's now what's real.
And I miss you
And that too is a fact.

The flashback burns
My retinas
Until even with my eyes open
All I see is the grusome scene
I thought I'd left far behind me.
The panic sets in,
And my leg begins to bounce
Up and down
Under the table
As I try to hide the sudden onset
Of heart-stopping panic.
I should have known though
That no matter how infinitesimal
The change in my moods,
You are the most sensitive barometer.
Your eyes glance at me
And I know if I don't look up,
The piercing stare full of concern
Will bore a hole in my skull.
So I glance up into eyes
I never asked for,
Never deserved,
Never knew I needed in my life.
Your eyes hold no questions but one,
"Are you ok?"
Your eyes hold no promises but one,
"I'm not going anywhere."
I don't say a word,
Yet you know,
And so
I'm enveloped in a bear hug.
My heart slows its manic staccato beat.
My breath resumes its almost even rythm.
And I feel the broken pieces of me
Begin to fuse themselves together again.
When you release me,
The warmth lingers in my bones
As an injection of time-delayed
Antibiotics to ward off
The aftereffects of the flashback.
And for the first time in a long time,
I know I'm loved.
And Love is the greatest balm of all.
With Love
Every wound will heal,
Every pain will disappear,
Every scar will fade away,
Every bitterness will become sweet.
Love conquers all.

I can see it if I close my eyes.
I can hear and smell and feel it too.
The scent of strong-brewed coffee,
As you so love,
Wafting up from tightly clenched matching mugs
As the hardback Adirondack chairs
Gently support our not-quite-awake frames
Seated on the eastern porch
In front of the green meadow
Hemmed with forest in the distance
As that darkest hue
Of midnight blackish-blue
Begins to lighten ever so slightly
Before the onslaught
Of the brilliant fiery sunbeams.

*A new day has dawned.

I could do this forever.
It's like
Running into an old friend
And sitting down for just one cup
Of coffee, then realizing you've had five.
It's like
Settling into the plump plush pillows
In a darkened room as the beginning credits
To your weekend marathon roll across the screen.
It's like
Shaking out that huge-*** beach towel
On the warm sand and pulling out
The stack of super-fast-read ****** paperbacks.
It's like
The first bite of Pavlova
And digging in and digging in
Until the whole cake is gone and you don't regret it at all.
Its like
Finding that last reserve of strength
To channel all your power into your fist
And strike the bag so hard it loses sand.
It's like
All the things I love to do
And doing them all at the same time.
That's what this is.

Sitting alone under a darkened sky
Oft leads to meandering thoughts
Of things both blithely blissful
And bitterly biting.

Like the time we held hands
On a road trip across the country
That ended in sour silence
And restrained rhetorical retorts.

Like the time we warmly watched
The sun set over an orange ocean,
Only to go home feeling colder
Than the biting breeze that rose with dusk.

Like the time I said "I love you"
To your goofy grinning face
And in the same breath, "Goodbye"
To your vanishing visage.

Two sides of the same coin--
That's just life.
I guess this is why it's called
Bittersweet.

She said,
"By the time you blink your eyes,
The year will have passed,
And you'll be home!"

I left with those words ringing in my ears.
I held to those words for three hundred days
And I chanted those words for sixty-five more.

Then just as she promised
With a blink of mine eyes
The months became a year
And thus I returned.

Little had I known
What she was really going to say
Was,
"Blink,
So you won't see me leave."

What does a poet do
When words fail them?
When the vernacular
They so heavily relied on
To convey every navy blue,
Indigo, violet hue of the midnight sky,
Dies on the tip of their tongue?
When the morphemes
That gave life to the phantoms
And pantomimes in their heart
Come out as Neanderthalic grunts?
What does a poet do?
When the discourse once so comfortable
Becomes stilted, halting, and forced
Because their brain has blanked
On their particular patois?
When not even the thesaurus or lexicon
Or revered Oxford English Dictionary
Can provide the adequate locution
So as to appease the poet's need
To be
Understood,
Acknowledged,
Fathomed,
Decoded,
Interpreted,
Heard.
Because that's all we want.
And that's the impossible
When we have writer's block.

Her eyes refused to close.
Intent on the world around her.
His eyes refused to open.
Content with the peace sleep afforded.

His nose a button just like his mama's.
Her ear lobes detached just like her papa's.

My love poured through every pore
As my arms cradled these two new to life.
Heart-stopping gratitude and mirth
Overflowing at knowing one day
Their lips would part to utter "Auntie"
To me.

My family--
Not by blood
But by love.

I'm taking it kinda hard--
Not having you around any more.
Sometimes my heart stops
And I have to remind myself
That living isn't just a thing I have to do
But something I want
Even more than getting you back.

So to that end,
I gave all your favorite records
To the local vinyl shop
And donated your sweaters
To the thrift store down the street
And sold your bike for twenty bucks
To the neighborhood paper boy
And finally bought myself
A new set of dishes (after breaking
All of yours).

I think I'm finally ready to say
Regardless of what you think of me,
My life is my choice.
Like the poetry I write just for me,
I'll live each day in just the same way:
For me.

He sits on my dashboard
Watching me as I drive
Much like he used to sit
Under your windshield
And watch the world go by.
He sits there and I try to forget
But he sits there and makes me remember.
So why don't I just toss this beat up bear away
Like you tossed our friendship aside?

Because I still love you
And I miss you.

My heart stops and skips a beat
When I see your face on the inside of my eyelids
And I struggle in vain to keep
The tears from spilling over and falling out.

I know I said I let you go.
I know I said I've moved on.
I know I said I'm ok.
I know I said I'll find someone else to love
But,

******* it.
I miss you.

Your words were
Believable
And I,
I trusted you.
But you were
A liar
And you
You conned me too.
You took all that I had and left me

Broken.

When I struggle
To stand up straight
After getting out of bed
In the morning,
When I keep dropping
Everything my fingers
Curl around yet can't seem
To keep a firm grip on,
When my eye twitches
Uncontrollably throughout the day
And especially at night
While I'm watching TV,
When I lay my head down
Finally at the end of another long day
And hope to slip away
To Slumberland unimpeded,
When I **** awake at 4 a.m.
With sweat crawling down my back
And the scent of fear in my nostrils
All because of memories,
I think to myself,
"I am sick and tired of drama.
I am sick and tired of being depressed."

My nickname for you was "broccoli".
I called you that because
Your hair is so curly
That one of our classmates
Tried to describe it and could only
Come up with "broccoli"
And somehow that name stuck in my heart.
To this day, I can't eat broccoli
Without thinking of you,
Picturing your curly brown hair
And kind green eyes
And strong yet tender fingers
And brilliant ear-to-ear smile
And smirk just for me.

I miss you. A lot.
I never told you I was in love with you,
And I regret that.
So I want to write a book of poems
And promote it far and wide
Just so I'll have the chance
To maybe catch your attention
And see you again.
Then, maybe I can tell you
"Thanks for the collection of Emerson
You so thoughtfully bought me...
That's what made me fall
Head over heels for you."

To you I thought
That I would always say,  
"When you're ready,
I'll be here waiting."

Today though,
I don't think I can.

And I'm not sorry
For my inability.

I pulled an all-nighter.
For an insomniac
That doesn't seem like
Such a great thing,
But there's a difference.
Staying up all night
Because I can't fall asleep
Is immensely different
From staying up
Because I'm trying not to sleep.
And you know that as an insomniac
I love sleep
Because it's so fleeting
Like whispers of wind
Slipping through my fingers--
Practically impossible to grasp!
And despite this...

I pulled an all-nighter
*Because I was waiting for you.

I used to say
That it didn't really strike me
As unusual or odd in any way
When people would look at me askance
Without a second thought or glance
As too what I was doing with you
Walking around with the sky blue
And the weather hot as a desert
And us bundled like in a blizzard,
But the truth I've always kept hidden
Was that I know what was flippant
For you was actually a great trial to me.

I used to say
That the tremors and shakes
My hand gets when I talk to strangers
On the bus, train, taxi, or airplane
Were just due to the excess caffeine
I had consumed to keep me alert and breathing,
But the fact of the matter I never shared
Was that I was more than a little scared
Of being near, interacting with, relating to
People.

I used to say
I was okay...

I think you get my point
Without me having to spell it out,
Or do I have use the words
I'm not accustomed to?
The words I've refused to say
For going on two decades
Because I determined that nobody cared
Enough to listen to my voice
Unless I was pretending to be great
Like everyone else,
But that's just a masquerade--
One that I'm tired of dancing in now.

I used to say
I was okay.
But the truth is I'm not.
And I need some help.

If you wait just one more day,
If you give me just one more shot,
If you hold off on letting go,
I promise you...

*I'll be worth it.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And my heart skips a beat.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And my apple-cheeks redden.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And all my fears disappear.

You say,
"You should let me love you."
And I know that's all I want too.

You say,
"You should let me love you."

I must confess
I'm broken-hearted, damaged, and
I don't know how...

But when you say,
"You should let me love you."
I'll say,
"Ok."

I never knew love like Yours
In all my darkened years.
I never knew patience like Yours
In all my mental institutions.
I never knew what it was
To be whole in heart and soul
Until You came in
And kissed my lips
And took my hand
And led me home
Without one thought for my darkest demons.
You loved me and held me.
You fed me and clothed me.
You made Your home mine too.
And when my heart broke
And the nightmares spilled out
Like a child's box of trinkets
Scattered across the floor,
You picked up each shard of broken heart
Without so much as a second thought
To whether they would cut You too,
And gently put them back together
With meticulous finesse
Until my heart matched Yours
In perfect cohesiveness.
I must confess Your love has made me whole.