I want to be alone
but the loneliness
strangles me.
Nights like this
I'm wasting away
,frozen,
eyes wide with anxiety.
I want to die in my sleep.
But tomorrow I'll wake
and
suffering will resume.

These days I feel every breath
and wonder at the thin red line
that keeps me alive.
Seperating this world
and the void.
And I'm in awe of the joy and the life
that surrounds me whilst inside
I'm fading.
This yearning to embrace
eternal sleep, is in my bones,
my very foundations.
Since I was very little,
Ive been waiting.

And the shimmering silver threads
made webs,
strung between the pines that swayed
as the wind bent the grass,
sent the clouds sailing
through the sky.
The smoke and scent
of trees and sap alight
rose in the summer heat
to drift down at night,
leaving the heavens clear.
Stars appear
as grains of sand on the beach.
flickering, sparkling, falling.
Those nights
I wish I was next to you
to share this view
of the cosmos.

So I carved your name on a candle,
mine upon another.
Tied twine betwixt our wicks
and set us alight.
Watched as all contact, connection,
link, and bond
was destroyed.
And the noose around our necks
broke.
And every trace of us burned from mind and memory.
Back to ash and dust.

It seems inevitable
that I break my own heart again
and again.
Each time it comes
for long sad smiles,
and embaces
prolonged.
Yet time and the world
are the stronger
and we fall apart.
And every touch lingers
upon my skin in memory.
Leaving only ever gets harder,
and I yearn to be free.

Now there are all these things,
names,
sounds,
places,
ideas,
that I can't stand
because
they remind me of you.
They haunt me and throw me
into a pit of nostalgic
sadness, and fear
at the notion
you still slip through
the cracks I worked so hard
to seal.
Bringing back pain and anxiety
I thought I was done
having to feel.

Tonight, like every night,
and every day,
she is there
on my mind
all the time.
Her smile and her eyes
looking at me, and I
am the luckiest man
and I know that its true,
because my dreams of you
are inebriating, lucid, stirring,
perfection.

So Ill take my eighty proof medicine
shot after shot
until the pain inside stops,
until the memories all fade,
until my ears cease ringing
with the silence
of this empty room.
Until this heart halts.

And there are still these days
where every joyful thought
is snuffed out.
Where every attempt at happiness
is beaten back
diminishing to a small child
in the corner
of my mind.
Days where there is no light
and obsidian skies prevail,
I'll never break through.
My feeble hopes,
asphyxiated.
Where I let the abyss swallow me,
turning to drink,
craving the blade,
the needle and ink,
the breaking down
of this vessel
as I desperately grasp at feeling,
and im silently screaming.

Hazel eyes
she has these hazel eyes.
They warm me skin to bone,
heart and soul.
They get me lost,
in leaves and sunbeams,
quiet morning coffees.
Steam rising
through the boughs.
Crunching snowy footsteps
in the forest.
And when her smile
reaches those heart melting
breathtaking eyes,
I let go of doubt,
and I surrender.

And now, I'm in limbo.
No direction, perception of up
or down,
right, left, or wrong.
Just reaching, grasping
at the passing instances
of serotonin.
I dont know me like I used to
and I question everything.

And suddenly we weren't strangers
in a crowd.
Disregarding distance,
the miles mean nothing
if shes there
at the end of the road.
With kind eyes of hazel
even warmer than her name
and a voice that buckles my knees
she has a heart of gold.
And she doesnt need me.
Yet chooses to be
here.
No words
can do this feeling justice.
But shes a sunset on the beach,
A cold night sitting by the fire.
The light shining through the trees.
She's everything that inspires
me to be.

Take me back
to the days of youth gone by.
To the days before a small device
controlled and stole our lives.
To the days when every second
wasnt spent staring a screens.
Where I listened to the birds
and memorized the songs they sing.
Back when the moments in between were times to feel at peace.
To sitting underneath a tree,
closing my eyes and letting be.
To staring at the clouds,
and feeling every summer breeze.
I used to be so close to it all
the dirt, the creek, the sky.
I hope its not to late to reconnect
before I die.

I keep leaving ruby petals
on sleeping eyes.
The delicate pieces of my heart
given away like souvenirs.
Memorabilia, a fragrant lingering memory of me.
I hope they bring you joy.
A reminder of how truly and deeply
one can love another.
It only saddens me
that hesitation now precedes passion.
As Im growing older, colder,
and farther from my roots.
Won't someone hold my rose heart together, thorns and all.

Tonight I missed you
so much I got into bed
as if trying not to disturb you
and stayed on the edge of the mattress because you love to spread out.
I close my eyes
let my heart slow
and rest at ease
I can almost feel the weight of you next to me.
Hear your breathing and
reply when you talk
in your sleep.
All wishful thinking
you're so far away from here
the bed is so empty
and I'm alone with my fears.
I wish you missed me
but you don't
and I hate these tears.

The brightest flames
burn you the worst,
leave you the coldest
when snuffed out.

So I'll go without warmth,
the sun, the moon,
and the stars.
Ill look away from her eyes.
Ill forget her touch.
I dont want to feel this
I dont want to bleed
on such a beautiful person.

And now I keep my distance.
Unable to trust,
to believe I'm worthy of love,
that I am anyones only one.
All  faith in good intentions
was torn out
when you left.
I cant share my heart anymore,
with anyone.
It's ******
and scarred.

So congratulations
you broke something
deep inside me,
punched through flesh and bone
to pull the plug
on my world.
Left me drowning
in insecurity.
And now
I flinch at the kindest touch,
and laugh at sincerity.

How bold of me
to keep thinking I'm fine
on my own.
To forget the heaviest clouds
are waiting to catch me alone
Their deluge
of insecurity,
anxiety,
numbing sobriety,
comes crashing down.
A reminder of countless
empty nights I survived.
Feeling a pulse to ground me.
And I remember
everything
and I am not okay.

My circumstance destroys everything.
I build,
and I build knowing
that all will be left
unfinished, deserted, ruined,
a ghost, a photograph.
And all that is assured is the anguish
of what could have been,
what was,
and what cant be.
Each time Im reminded
of all my faults, my mistakes,
the choice that I made,
to be here,
and not there,
not with her,
and it hurts.
Leaves me empty
and questioning
why I even try
to build happiness
anymore.

Im sorry,
but tonight
I want to forget
everything
and everyone before
this night.
Ill drink and medicate,
let go of control,
for just a night.
I just want to feel,
alright.
I want to be ok,
and want to cry
at the same time.
I want to be wanted
and give love.
I want to laugh
and look at her smile
all night.
I want to smile back.
Search her eyes
and memorize
their hazel perfection.

These days I'm not alone,
but holding your hand wont fix me,
arms around you cant keep me whole
laying by your side doesnt stop
the bleeding.
Some scars cut too deep
go straight through me.
And I'll never feel truly whole enough for the beautiful people
in my life.
Wishing I wasnt still so empty
at 2AM when thoughts creep in.
While all I want
is to give you the stars,
and be the best man I can be,
and while you think I am
I'm not sure
and you dont see.

How powerful a place is.
Ghosts of memories
overlapping, replaying, echoing
on our present stage.
Time floating by
on winds of change,
winter and spring
to bite or caress
our skin.
The inevitable
elements that always
bring us to the end,
or the beginning.

These four walls
will be the death of me.
Squeezing, constricting
til theres no more breath in me.
Overthinking, thoughts rebounding from the corners
like that screensaver.
Im so capable,
yet unable
to leave.
Frozen as the air outside.
Limbs pinned,
tied like Gulliver.
Guilt and sadness and regret
leak
from eyes
fixed open
unblinking in the dark.

I am a ghost
of Xmas past.
From carols and lights
to shouts and fights,
snowmen and gingerbread
to icy winds and a deathbed.
From family
and friends around
to solitude
and not a sound.

This time of year's just not the same.
Theres no more laughter
and no more games.
When loved ones have all moved away,
and I travel a thousand miles
to be alone on holidays.

Im no believer
theres no greater
reason for this day of cheer.
Yet my selfish sorrows can't compare
to my brother's, who is over there,
on the front lines
away from those most dear.

When I'm with her
I am who I love.
We are two sides of a coin,
dancing through the air,
twirling together.
A quirksome confidence and joy
in her smile.
Shy and genuine intrigue in mine.
Her laughter is sweeter than honey,
and I could listen to it forever.
Her eyes are kind,
knowing,
mischievous,
sparkling.
Shes a work of art
a masterpiece.
I hope she knows.

You and me,
Tybee in the moonlight,
with blankets
on a windy Savannah night.
It's not a great beach,
but its a beach.
Sharing body heat.
Nowhere, but here.
No time, but now.
No one, but us.
Tripping
on a quarter life crisis.
Jumping off the roof.
Soaking up lunar rays
on the way down.
Touching the tide,
covered in sand,
hand in hand.

One whiskey neat too far gone
Im not supposed to think,
just be strong.
I dont feel, right?
Dont hurt, or cry.
So its ok if you lie,
and ok if you've lied.
My old innocence,
so naive.
Memories pound
as I stare and freeze.
How many times
was I used
as an honest fool.
Never again
will I be a tool
for fixing broken hearts

I found her.
She hadnt left my thoughts
since a month ago we met.
Dropped a drink on my foot
in a bar somewhere.

A wisp of a girl
twenty feigning twenty-one.
Aqua marine hair, and a smile.
that crowned her ruler of the room.

Im just a fool speaking to Athena.
The scent of guitar wax
and sound proof studios
weaves through her cardigan.
And I remember a time
I thought I could change the world

I have come to find
when I deviate
from my muse of melancholy
I revile my work
more and more.
Perhaps because, inside,
the darkness and emptiness
is a part of every part of me.
And pretending,
is not in my nature.

When I dream of the perfect girl,
I dont see her at all.
My eyes are closed.
I only hear her voice
and feel her embrace.

I have never been considered
a city, or country boy.
More a godless jesus of suburbia
with better intentions
than the next guy.

But recently
my eyes have been opened
to a different way of living
where the country songs
all hit home.

A life of community,
honesty, and substance.
Where a stranger wont feel alone,
but like family, in a beer and a half.
and the warmth in my chest
is not only the whiskey,
or the bonfire.
It's a girl's smile,
the smell of barbeque,
diesel, or the rain in the woods.
Its the sound of a truck,
a guitar, boots on dirt,
the rock and roll.
Its feeling alive.

Where hard work pays,
and southern hospitality
reigns.
Where the rolling hills,
fields, forests,
and grand skies leave you
with no words

It's freedom.

I get it now.

Who am I?

Just a man
with needs, desires,
and compassionate pespective.
A world of perception,
logical, reasonable, sentimental,
and real.
Plotted by ever changing maps,
lifes course.
Yearning for point and purpose.
Striving to make desicions
that do right by everything
and everyone around, regardless
the reprimand, loss of face,
consequences, physical
or mortal.

No fear of any god.
I am my own.
I am full of fault.
I am full of pain.
I am full of thought.
I am full of the same
as everyone else.
I am full of love.

This is who I am.

And there's a girl,
blue eyes more lustrous
than the most prized sapphires.
She's smooth and soft,
coarse and steadfast,
and all things welcoming and warm
as a hearth and a coffee;
cool and brisk as the breeze,
on an autumn morning.
Her voice, calming as the stream
that trickles,
over stones, in my memory.
Wearing the rocky bed flush, running clean,
and clear.
She takes me there.

Face in a crowd,
drawing me in,
music so loud,
voices straining,
trying to reach one another,
two halves of this youthful night,
and for a while
we are alone together
in this crowd.
Our eyes,
the only eyes,
glimmering
in the sea of lights,
speak silent, sweet, nothings.
Our lips,
the only lips
worth watching,
as our heart beats pulse
in time
to the sound of revelry.

She keeps tempo
the back and forth.
Tantilizing conversation.
******* each others psyche.
A dance of words and minds,
thoughts and passions,
sharing wavelengths.
Shes mystifying
logical,
rational,
but emotionally so.
The sapoisexual in me
could never say no.

The people,
places,
words,
and images,
that force salt water from my eyes.
They are what I live for.
The physical evidence
that I can feel again,
that there is a deep well in me,
and a connection to the depth
in those around me.
A reminder that we are alive,
in a world of the most breath taking beauty,
and the most heartbreaking sadness.

I need to go,
just disappear.
Im leaving
to a place of no fear
no memories,
asphyxiation,
or tears.
I may be gone for quite some time,
a couple weeks,
or months,
a year?

When I get back,
with my heart whole,
scars faded
new and old,
I'll smile again.
I'll laugh, and say
"I love you"
to someone new
whom I have come to know.

Let it all in.

Let it all out.

Let it all crash
as waves against the rocky shore.
Revel in the swash.
Exhale, as the surf slips back
to the sea.

This is life.
The breath.
This is suffering.
The ebb and flow.

Rounds in the chamber
fire away.
Numb to the danger
my chest ablaze.
Pull that trigger,
pull me.
Push me,
again and again,
into my shallow grave.

Throw all I gave you
away.
You never were
good
about using my time,
and you had all of that.
Took it for granted
and planted
doubt.

At ten paces
I turned
to your barrel on me.
No hesitation.
Gun me down.

His heart had been broken
many times
in many ways,
and it had never been set right
before he put the cast on.
She re-shattered it all
so he could put it back together
the right way
this time,
soldered with gold,
and wrapped up
in kevlar.

Eight minutes ago,
I sat on my bathroom floor.
I had been there for a while.
Waiting between work shifts.

Seven minutes ago,
for the first time in a long time,
I planned my end
right there on the tiles.
I contemplated
getting my affairs in order,
my will,
where to do it,
the best method
of execution.

Six minutes ago,
I hadnt been that decisive in so long.
I felt so ready.
I didnt even feel sad.
Just ready.
The before and after of that moment
ceasing to matter in my head.

Five minutes ago,
I stood up
staring my reflection down
in the mirror
and I thought

Lets give it a few more minutes.

Every night I look up
at the moon,
the stars,
the spaces between,
and I know
you're not thinking about me,
not even a little bit.

I hope you're happy
with convenience.
I hope swapping love for proximity
works out for you.
I hope the shallow seeds you sow
blossom for a day,
or just a night,
like you like.
I hope its enough for you
the short lived trysts
you'd trade forever for.

They told me its gonna get worse
before it gets better.
Im afraid
they are right.
And tonight,
no amount of company,
comedy,
passion,
distraction,
attention,
friends,
family­,
or love
is enough to keep you
from filling every corner of my mind.
Hijacking every thought
and tearing down walls
that kept me safe.

Once again I'm reminded
there's no love like yours,
and it will take
every bit of my will
to keep cement from filling
the torn hole in my chest
and seizing my heart.

This time,
I wont run.
This time,
I'll feel it all
every ounce of pain,
every punch to the gut,
every knife in my back,
in my heart.
I want to remember this.
Brand me.
So I can finally stop
repeating history.

You once told me
you couldn't stand to see me
in another women's arms.
Now you've pushed me into them.

You once said
you'd never lie
to save my feelings,
but here we are

You once assured me
you'd always love me
even when I don't.
Now you're gone.

You said you'd follow me anywhere,
and I cant believe I believed you.

Every word you ever said to me
was empty.
No substance.
No weight.

You used to talk about future,
fate.
Just words to you.
Might as well
be ashes
in your mouth.

All that time and love
and suddenly you treat me
like I'm worth nothing.