Tonight I missed you
so much I got into bed
as if trying not to disturb you
and stayed on the edge of the mattress because you love to spread out.
I close my eyes
let my heart slow
and rest at ease
I can almost feel the weight of you next to me.
Hear your breathing and
reply when you talk
in your sleep.
All wishful thinking
you're so far away from here
the bed is so empty
and I'm alone with my fears.
I wish you missed me
but you don't
and I hate these tears.

Words on a page
are all good and fine
and allow me to sleep
at night.
But some things you feel
you just can't hash out.
Sometimes we're born to fight.
And sometimes that's right.

I'll never really know
why she's chosen me
to love me
to know me.
to hold me up.
But I trust her.
With my heart,
my love,
my truth,
my pain,
my joy,
my passion,
I will give her all of me.
A flower,
so bewitching,
my eyes have never before held,
but will carry in my mind now forever.
She gives me love
like I will never know again.
It surrounds me and the world
knows it,
can practically touch it.
She's a mystery and I
could gladly spend my whole life trying to,
yet never,
solve her.
Effortlessly
She has drawn me in,
made me hers.
November twenty-ninth will never be
the same.

The endless search
for what we're missing
in life.
Never feeling whole.
Like we can't start living till we find that piece of our puzzle.
In a world of people so complete.
Being so fractured,
so tortured
ensuing insecurity,
hating ourselves.
Frustration.
Anxiety at war with reason.
How can we love,
with everything we are,
if we're not all there.

Maybe you are my missing piece.
Maybe you will help me to start
living.
I just gotta be
all in.

All of my heart
will always be yours.
My body and soul
forever more.
And all that you are
is all that I want.
No matter where we go
we'll not be apart.
The love of my life
has always been you.
You opened my eyes to what
love is like when it's true.
You love me like no one
has ever before.
So all of my heart
will always be yours.

I knew it
when the hugs felt different,
when the kisses got shorter,
nearly one sided,
when I felt the urge to ask
if everything was still the same,
and I could hear the lie in
every promise you'd make,
the affirmations were fake,
just two-faced,
our love was a noose you tied
for me.

Always an option,
nothing more.
Always on call,
but gets a closed door.
No one hears,
bleeding out on the floor.
Always cautious,
around their chaos.
Smiles all day,
inside he feels lost.
Death sounds nice,
despite the cost.
Sounds better than this,
  mind's fire and frost.

And I'm freaking out
in this moment,
alone
in an overpopulated space.
My heart begins to race
and I go to a dark
secluded place
in my head,
and it scares me
that I default
to desires of being dead.
Cue the flashbacks
and the dread.
It sticks around,
hangs over me,
till some kind of violence
hangs me.

"Are you ok?"
Darling I'm not even here.
I am reliving every word
every look
every image
every moment
that broke me.
And its against my will
that I **** your highs
with my lows
everytime I feel it
creeping in.
I keep letting it win
so I can feel
but this wont heal.

Can't speak,
or move my feet,
shift my gaze,
my vision a haze,
with ringing in my ears,
just standing here.
Though I wanted to be near
to you,
now I want to be anywhere
but this venue
Im not like you
I dont wear my darkmess well.

And even after everything
he confessed,
his story told,
his weakness laid bare,
salt was poured in the wounds
again and again.
The gasoline on his heart
was set to a match.
Stones dropped
in the pit of his stomach.
His mouth sewn shut.
His anxiety
an iron maiden.

You once told me
you couldn't stand to see me
in another women's arms.
Now you've pushed me into them.

You once said
you'd never lie
to save my feelings,
but here we are

You once assured me
you'd always love me
even when I don't.
Now you're gone.

You said you'd follow me anywhere,
and I cant believe I believed you.

Every word you ever said to me
was empty.
No substance.
No weight.

You used to talk about future,
fate.
Just words to you.
Might as well
be ashes
in your mouth.

If you took a look
behind the smiles,
the smirks,
the laughter,
and blue eyes;
under the scars,
bruises,
calluses,
burns,
and ink,
I think
you'd look away.

Kissing wounds,
I'll stop the bleeding.
Sooth your pain.
I'll stay
as long as you desire.
Keeping the cuts clean.
When you heal,
please,
oh please,
dont rip me off.

I will carry this
I will carry it for you
and you
and you
and you.
Pile it on
and when you're gone
I'll  carry it for you
I'll  be here holding on
holding out
for you
and you
and you
and you.
It is heavy
and I may break
but won't ever stop
bearing  this weight.

Its a difference of morality.
You value what you can take
from them.
I value humans
equally.
They're people,
not a means to an end.
Show me true intentions,
stop playing a friend.
You're plastic.
You're silicone.
You're false.
Deceitful
to the bone.

Still, even though
you're lying to us
I know
you're climbing a ladder,
and still deserve love.
Go find it
elsewhere.

Locked up inside
deep in my mind.
They're out having fun,
I'm here feeling dumb,
Ive been going numb,
plan on dying young,
leaving life behind.
The sun is setting
my chance is gone
my turn is passed
my demons won.

Let it all in.

Let it all out.

Let it all crash
as waves against the rocky shore.
Revel in the swash.
Exhale, as the surf slips back
to the sea.

This is life.
The breath.
This is suffering.
The ebb and flow.

I'm in poor condition
a broken thing
and everyone tells everyone
to leave it alone.
So alone.
Even when the sun is shining,
the sky is clear, I'm next to you,
I am so alone.
It still rains in my eyes.
And I've just been fed lies
to keep my resources around
It's no surpise.
And I've come to expect
that everyone will tire of me
and move on to the next
more interesting and easy
contender.
Another man
another lender like me
who is happier or
more likely to supply
the love drug
everyone is on.

To my best friend,
To my idol,
To my mentor,
To my brother,
I forgive you.
Our adolescent cruelty
is in the past.
Your remorse oozes from you,
The room is almost still
but for you
quaking shoulders and tears like mine
sliding down.
And I want you to know,
from the depths of my heart,
that you broke me down
and pushed me
over a ledge.
But the pain and despair I drowned in,
taught me to swim.
An unintended gauntlet,
that was my childhood.
What you did
taught me how not to treat my family
taught me determination
integrity,
honor, and
showed me how hard I was to ****.
So dont cry,
cause I forgive you,
big brother.

His heart had been broken
many times
in many ways,
and it had never been set right
before he put the cast on.
She re-shattered it all
so he could put it back together
the right way
this time,
soldered with gold,
and wrapped up
in kevlar.

So I carved your name on a candle,
mine upon another.
Tied twine betwixt our wicks
and set us alight.
Watched as all contact, connection,
link, and bond
was destroyed.
And the noose around our necks
broke.
And every trace of us burned from mind and memory.
Back to ash and dust.

Men are 3 to 7 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
Men account for 55 percent of the workforce, but account for 92 percent of workplace deaths.
Men live on average 5 years less than women.
Police shoot more white men than any other demographic each year.
The vast majority of people in prison are men.
The majority of people suffering from homelessness are men.
Men are encouraged to seek help with there mental health but are ridiculed or ignored when they try.
77 percent of suicides are men.

"Be more open about your emotions"
"Stop complaining, you have no right to complain"
"Man up"
"Don't be a *****"
"That's not a real man's job"
"Grow a pair"
"You won't even fight back?"
"I need a man that can afford me"
"Men don't cry its a sign of weakness"
"Men have it so good"
"All men are trash"

"**** all men"

Welcome to manhood.

I flew up to Chicago
for you.
I needed to see you
hear you
share your air.
I hoped to fall
in love
with you
while there.
Old friend.

But instead
I found a city of dreams,
lovers,
fidelity.
I held on to my hat and my chest
as the windy city swept me off my feet.
As I wished you'd let me sweep you off yours.
I tasted the heart of the town
heard its song,
was dazzled
by its waters, lights, people.
You belong here.
In this place
away from me, but forever in my memories.
I cant forget you
I've tried to
For so long.
But we are better off
apart.
As friends.
It hurts but its true.
I could never satisfy you
in this place.
I wish you the best,
Chicago is where I'll put us
to rest.

My circumstance destroys everything.
I build,
and I build knowing
that all will be left
unfinished, deserted, ruined,
a ghost, a photograph.
And all that is assured is the anguish
of what could have been,
what was,
and what cant be.
Each time Im reminded
of all my faults, my mistakes,
the choice that I made,
to be here,
and not there,
not with her,
and it hurts.
Leaves me empty
and questioning
why I even try
to build happiness
anymore.

And there it is again
that feeling, that inescapable, tormenting
dread.
The quiet is a knife and my limbs are like lead.
Rocks in my stomach as air leaks from my
lungs,
and will not fill them.
I'm breathless and silent as the grave.
Waiting,
to be told that you made a mistake,
that it wasn't your fault
that it just happened
and you didn't want it to,
but you don't even want justice
for the things he did to you.
It tears me apart.
Heartbreaking
pain and hate
it's too late
to take back all the love, time, and life
that I poured and poured into us.
And you take his side
when I say how I feel.
You tell me
I'm overreacting

No

I am passionate
A man of action
I pay all my debts
and fulfill my promises.

And that's more than can be said
for you.

Tonight the clouds go on,
and on,
and on,
forever in a sky so navy blue.
Parallel lines
stretching beyond light's reach.
I desire
to fall up
into the dark spaces
between.

My stars, the lights of earth.

I am a ghost
of Xmas past.
From carols and lights
to shouts and fights,
snowmen and gingerbread
to icy winds and a deathbed.
From family
and friends around
to solitude
and not a sound.

This time of year's just not the same.
Theres no more laughter
and no more games.
When loved ones have all moved away,
and I travel a thousand miles
to be alone on holidays.

Im no believer
theres no greater
reason for this day of cheer.
Yet my selfish sorrows can't compare
to my brother's, who is over there,
on the front lines
away from those most dear.

And now I keep my distance.
Unable to trust,
to believe I'm worthy of love,
that I am anyones only one.
All  faith in good intentions
was torn out
when you left.
I cant share my heart anymore,
with anyone.
It's ******
and scarred.

So congratulations
you broke something
deep inside me,
punched through flesh and bone
to pull the plug
on my world.
Left me drowning
in insecurity.
And now
I flinch at the kindest touch,
and laugh at sincerity.

I have never been considered
a city, or country boy.
More a godless jesus of suburbia
with better intentions
than the next guy.

But recently
my eyes have been opened
to a different way of living
where the country songs
all hit home.

A life of community,
honesty, and substance.
Where a stranger wont feel alone,
but like family, in a beer and a half.
and the warmth in my chest
is not only the whiskey,
or the bonfire.
It's a girl's smile,
the smell of barbeque,
diesel, or the rain in the woods.
Its the sound of a truck,
a guitar, boots on dirt,
the rock and roll.
Its feeling alive.

Where hard work pays,
and southern hospitality
reigns.
Where the rolling hills,
fields, forests,
and grand skies leave you
with no words

It's freedom.

I get it now.

Dear Ms. Gardener,
I am head over heels,
face in the earth,
in love with you.
Your hands are caretakers,
nurturers,
life givers,
and I adore those dexterous digits
that brush and tamp soil.
Sewing love, joy, and passion
in my heart.
Trust and confidence
in my mind.
You're as wise as a willow
as sweet as magnolia blossoms.
In drought
I would shed blood and weep
to keep
our love from dying out.
I need you Ms. Gardener.
You are in my very nature,
holding the petals of my heart.

The call at 2am.
Hairs stood on end.
The butterflies that fall
dead like stones
in the pit of your stomach.
Cold sweat.
The hot shower
can't dispell the chill in your bones.
You freeze,
breaths like a gale in your ears,
while your heart's sporadic pounding
tells you you're running.
Run.    Run.    Run.   Run.   Run.

Run.

When I dream of the perfect girl,
I dont see her at all.
My eyes are closed.
I only hear her voice
and feel her embrace.

He sits in his car and
listens to the rain.
He should be at work but
he's on the edge again.
He misses her so much.
Every second they're apart.
Not sure how it happened
but she takes up his whole heart.
His world has been breaking
cause she feels like dying.
His chest keeps on acheing.
In the driver's seat crying
again.
It's all the time now.
And he just wishes
he could
stop the pain.

Strangers jeers and sneers,
tearing my flesh in the mirror,
nights I fell apart,
the years I stayed in pieces,
losing my heart,
sharing hers til she needed it whole,
all those lovely words,
watching her lips place knives
in my back,
all eternally painted behind my eyes
while my smile lies.

I found her.
She hadnt left my thoughts
since a month ago we met.
Dropped a drink on my foot
in a bar somewhere.

A wisp of a girl
twenty feigning twenty-one.
Aqua marine hair, and a smile.
that crowned her ruler of the room.

Im just a fool speaking to Athena.
The scent of guitar wax
and sound proof studios
weaves through her cardigan.
And I remember a time
I thought I could change the world