Back I go
To average Joe
Someone I haven't been
for longer than I can remember
someone I'm terrified of,
someone who kept me up late,
and woke me an hour later,
put me on the chopping block,
put me in a room with all the doors locked,
turned me to stone,
gave me nightmares so that I could atone
for existing.
And if I go to sleep
and don't wake up
then Id just be
an average joe.

Because the day will come
where they come for you
and all you love.
They better pray to their god,
and beseech their idols of control,
that they are as dangerous as I.

And there it is again
that feeling, that inescapable, tormenting
dread.
The quiet is a knife and my limbs are like lead.
Rocks in my stomach as air leaks from my
lungs,
and will not fill them.
I'm breathless and silent as the grave.
Waiting,
to be told that you made a mistake,
that it wasn't your fault
that it just happened
and you didn't want it to,
but you don't even want justice
for the things he did to you.
It tears me apart.
Heartbreaking
pain and hate
it's too late
to take back all the love, time, and life
that I poured and poured into us.
And you take his side
when I say how I feel.
You tell me
I'm overreacting

No

I am passionate
A man of action
I pay all my debts
and fulfill my promises.

And that's more than can be said
for you.

No one is coming.
No one is going to reach in and pull you out
of this dark pit
you've made your home
again and again.
No one is going to save you
from the shadows that visit in the night,
the demons that follow you in daylight.
No one is coming.
No relief.
No respite.
No rest.
No release.
No one is coming
for me.

And yet,
even as the world burned,
the children died,
the fathers wept,
the mothers cried,
there was hope brought
by every sunrise.
In every breath drawn,
the courage to take another.
The will to fight on
though we all
are doomed.

It is always there
underneath it all
the walls and barbed wire
the locked doors
this entire
facade
he wears every second
night and day.
Only slipping through cracks
when he's weak and he breaks.
Like when he pushes himself
to the end of his strength
so he can't hold the tears
he's refractured again.
Just a broken boy
all alone
demonized as a man.
Though he does
what he knows is right
when he can.
No matter his efforts
it is never enough
So detached he becomes
from the people he loves.
They've sewn his mouth shut,
and they keep lighting matches.
So he'll let their world burn
when the straw at his stake catches.

And all there is is silence
Trudging through calf deep snow.
Under sleeping winter trees.
And there's no sound.
One foot after the other.
Powder snow and smokey breath.
Painful air stabs.
But no sound.
No wind in the trees
No snapping branch.
No creature stirs.
No crunch underfoot.
No rushing water
as the frozen falls near,
the woods end.
The black water runs
beneath the creeping ice
along the bank.
Stepping out onto the edge.
Plunging down without a breath.
And there's no sound.

A noose holds a candle
burning at both ends.
A dead man holds
his dagger pierced heart.
Offering it to her.
Giving,
giving,
giving,
and they keep
taking,
taking,
taking.
There's nothing left.
Never again.

Upheaval.
In just a few small moments
everything I thought
about what was right and wrong
necessary and expected
desired and required
topples and crashes down
burning to ashes in a pile
on the ground.
At the forefront of my mind.
I did my duty of love
and what I knew to be true.
But the cycle of violence,
manipulation, and abuse
is what you still choose.
I will not be pulled into
these emotional, horrible, perpetual games.
So don't invite me to them.
Don't come to me with questions
when you will not heed the answers.
Don't present me problems
if you don't wish them solved.
I am human too and my peace is all I have.

Words on a page
are all good and fine
and allow me to sleep
at night.
But some things you feel
you just can't hash out.
Sometimes we're born to fight.
And sometimes that's right.

You and I found a place
where we hurt a little less
and the only tears on your face
come with a smile.
Where everything's still a mess
but some things are certain.

Cast me to the woods
Unbaptize me
Unbaptize me
Bury me
under leaves
in autumn,
set me ablaze.

I found heaven in your eyes.
Peace, pain, and no lies.
And I don't know
what I'd do
or where I'd go
If I lost you.
I'd lose me too.

Men are 3 to 7 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
Men account for 55 percent of the workforce, but account for 92 percent of workplace deaths.
Men live on average 5 years less than women.
Police shoot more white men than any other demographic each year.
The vast majority of people in prison are men.
The majority of people suffering from homelessness are men.
Men are encouraged to seek help with there mental health but are ridiculed or ignored when they try.
77 percent of suicides are men.

"Be more open about your emotions"
"Stop complaining, you have no right to complain"
"Man up"
"Don't be a *****"
"That's not a real man's job"
"Grow a pair"
"You won't even fight back?"
"I need a man that can afford me"
"Men don't cry its a sign of weakness"
"Men have it so good"
"All men are trash"

"**** all men"

Welcome to manhood.

And suddenly
you were a stranger again.
And the little things you did hurt.
And I was never ok with it.
And I'll say I'm fine
but at what price?

Melting snow and chill winds.
Wisconsin spring days,
where the only heat is the sun's rays
through a clear sky.
***** snow piles
on the sides of the street in the city.
Puddles on cracked concrete.
The scent of unveiling foliage
on the breeze.
Quiet moments alone,
the calm before the storm.
Dead to the world
but never feeling so alive
as thoughts creep in.
Wishing things could've been different
Wishing no one had to be wounded so.
Take me back to slow life.
Take me back to no cares.
I wasn't planning to survive.

All of my heart
will always be yours.
My body and soul
forever more.
And all that you are
is all that I want.
No matter where we go
we'll not be apart.
The love of my life
has always been you.
You opened my eyes to what
love is like when it's true.
You love me like no one
has ever before.
So all of my heart
will always be yours.

He sits in his car and
listens to the rain.
He should be at work but
he's on the edge again.
He misses her so much.
Every second they're apart.
Not sure how it happened
but she takes up his whole heart.
His world has been breaking
cause she feels like dying.
His chest keeps on acheing.
In the driver's seat crying
again.
It's all the time now.
And he just wishes
he could
stop the pain.

They knew they could count on the man
to take the fall,
take the blame,
take the blade
on his wrists,
to work to death,
the whip on his back,
put the rope round his neck,
take a bullet in the chest,
to live on the street,
to drown with the rest.
Yet they say the man
can't be trusted.

He took up arms
to protect those he loved.
He was poisoned by words,
and was never enough.
The loved ones cried
as they sold the mans grave
for likes online.
His suffering always paid.
While he was alive
they called him an animal
chained him with claims
to paint him a demon.
When they needed him
he was a credit to men.
When they were done
he was there to condemn.

As long as the conditions are met
she'll love only him.
While he can give
what she needs
he can stay.
He won't be
replaced.
But good men are a dime a dozen
and easy to attain.
Show an ounce of kindness
and we'll die for you.
And we die for you,
to be replaced
everyday.

It all repeats
The same pain
Cutting to the bone
Sinking hooks
The same people
Holding blades
Holding on while you fall
To your knees
Draining your blood
And drinking deeply
Till the next victim
Let's down their guard.

This life is lonely.
This life is hard.
Everything and nothing.
Everyone and no one.
Living and dying.
Love and hate.
Pain and peace.
They want all of you,
and none of you.
No Balance.
It never ends.
It never ends.
It never ends.

And it all repeats.
Over and over
the scene plays,
the body tenses,
flooding senses,
and I'm drowning
sinking, drinking,
fighting, against my own
personal
riptide.
Wishing I'd died.
Washed up
on a shore of purgatory,
and it all repeats.

He moved on
fast
faster
than he could have imagined
He only needed enough time
to mourn
the lost year,
effort, and
emotion.
To kick himself
for being in fear,
for being used.
Such a fool.
Betrayal was the end
of everything real.
When she's gone
she's gone.
When he's done
he's done.
No time to feel.

And even after everything
he confessed,
his story told,
his weakness laid bare,
salt was poured in the wounds
again and again.
The gasoline on his heart
was set to a match.
Stones dropped
in the pit of his stomach.
His mouth sewn shut.
His anxiety
an iron maiden.

He came to the realization
far too late
he would still never be
good enough
or enough
for those he loved.
Always missing something
they were looking for.
A means to an end
not an end in himself.
A stepping stone,
a wrung,
an asset.
Used again  
used for love,
all used up.
Hung from the tree
he grew to trust.
A cycle that turns him
back to dust.

Always an option,
nothing more.
Always on call,
but gets a closed door.
No one hears,
bleeding out on the floor.
Always cautious,
around their chaos.
Smiles all day,
inside he feels lost.
Death sounds nice,
despite the cost.
Sounds better than this,
  mind's fire and frost.

Mens mental health month
came and went without a word
swept under the rug.

Sol beats down on my body
all day.
The wind howls,
the sweat drips,
the sand sticks
to everything
A dizzying clear sky
no clouds
no cover
no respite.
And on the inside
my mind is ablaze
punishing me
as the cogs and the gears grind and nash.
Thoughts that feel like
self immolation
cling to me.
There is no water that
can quench the flames.
The only way out is to suffocate.
**** the brain.

You are all I want
Forever and always yours
Till death do us part

"I love you more"

To most,
a fun, back and forth.
friendly, sarcastic,
couples, kidding.

To me
it's painful
and true
because the things you do
show me
Im not a priority
like I make you.
I'm replaceable
just another male
to fill the time,
And the space.
When I'm gone
I hope his world revolves
around you
like mine does,
and will.
I hope
you are first
in his heart and mind
as you are in mine.
And I hope he makes you happy
In my involuntary absence

So, yes
I do love you more.
I can tell.
Please dont ask me
how I know.

Ive been dreaming lately
of things I haven't dreamt about
in quite some time,
its been awhile.
With sand pressed to my back
and the open sky above
stars cast like dust and gems.
Dreams of cold nights,
ocean tides,
stolen kisses on bench swings.
The wind blowing through our clothes.
Waves crashing on the shore.
Moments only saved
in memory
til that too
fades.

All he needed
was safe harbor
a place that would always
be there
when he came back
no matter the storms
no matter how broken his ship,
how torn his sails,
it would be there.
Giving him the strength
and security
he needed
to be able to leave
again.

And you knew
that it made my insides spill
when you'd do what you do
when you're lonely.
You knew it made me feel
like I was on fire,
mouth sewn shut.
You knew,
but your satisfaction
takes priority
over my security.
But I knew
that no one really cared
all along
anyway.

She's a ride or die
while her bills are paid by
the man she is with
she wants the grocery list
and the nights out, covered
by his monthly check
or better yet
she doesnt even know
how he manages to get by,
to provide
for her lifestyle.
Its been a while
since he did anything for himself
because
her happiness is the only issue
she'll take off the shelf
and if he isnt happy its his fault
just for trusting
in her presence,
her support,
her unconditional love of him
thats only there
when he can still give her something
and even if he can't
she'll take it
through the system.
When he's kicked out
she wont miss him
but his money,
its her security
and without it
he's worth nothing.

The hunger,
control,
focus.
The discipline,
illusion
of ground gained.
Pain
turned
numb.
Starving,
violent
retaliation.

It feels
like it did then.
Like they're
tired of me again.
Done with dealing
with the ghosts
that haunt me.
The moments
that left me just a little
too broken
on the inside
to ever be how I was.
Tired of a man
expressing his emotions
like they want
but not how they like.
Tired of my
flaws.
Im not perfect,
and they deserve
perfect.

And
he
never
trusted
anyone
ever
again.
The end.



They'd call him paranoid, insecure, and controlling, but he was just drowning, suffocating, and afraid of the pain of losing everything, again and again and again, let down by those he cared for most. Lied to, played. Everytime he let someone in.
He'd always be the "bad guy" if it meant protecting his heart from that old abyss.
I guess people think they are entitled to being trusted. Go earn it.

And suddenly
this life had meaning,
there was reason
to suffer on,
to try and heal,
to be present
for the moments
of wholeness
when she is there.
My fingers
tangled in her hair.

That moment
you realize
you were never a priority
like they were for you.
You fall inward.
Heart collapsed.
Closed off and cold.
If they wanted to
they would.
If they valued you
for more
than what you can provide
to them,
they would
show it.
Seek independence.
Seek Equality.

She says she'll love me always
but her feelings don't last forever.
She likes me around on lonely days
till she finds someone better.
She's a user,
I'm a lover,
I'm a loser,
she wants another.
She tells me
I get too attached,
but when I want space
she feels attacked.

I am not blind
I am not deaf
I am not without
intuition.
I feel the lies
the waste of breath
those waiting in the wings
the replacement men.
You can go
and be with them
just dont act
like you're sorry
for using me.