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Life's a Beach Nov 2014
This game
I can't deal with it again
When is it going to sink in
that I am not something to win
I am not a reward for good behaviour
I don't have a ******* tick sheet
I don't give a **** about what you have
and haven't done, but don't you dare
look at me as an object to be 'won'

I miss you
The you who kissed my forehead
and told me I was too gorgeous and intelligent
to cry or be sad,
I miss you staring in my face and looking truly
glad that I could be with you
That I could love you.

I miss the you
who wasn't suddenly a lad.

You know who I am.
You know everything, before now
you said you didn't give a **** about
stuff I wore, or if I swore or
was 'unladylike' because that was me
I thought you fell in love with me

But apparently even your love can feel
un-sturdy, I feel like you've lured me in for a ****
You're eating me like a last meal, when
you have so many more years to give,
You turning on me is like a shiv through
the ribs

There's nothing left that I can give.

I've played the conditional game before
It burnt me til I could not trust
Then the lock was hit with lust, and then
you  were the one to find a key.

Please
Please
Please

I don't like this new guy
It's you I want to see

I swear that I am still **me
This is really rough as a poem, but I just needed these thoughts to go somewhere.
Life's a Beach Jan 2016
I'd walk to you if I could
I'd wear down my heels until I'd bleed
I'd tear down mountains in my wake

Lover lost in the past
If I could just eat your laugh
I would never need food again
Nor would I fear starvation and death
For my life would be wholesome
and succulent.
Life's a Beach Sep 2014
If I gave a knife and asked you to take the tip
and run it's icy breath across my face
Would you do it?

If I danced across a burning flame
and asked you to step into the light
Would you question it?

And If I looked to you in an hour of need
My skin pulled paper taught
and a look of wordless want across
the sand dunes of my face

Would you help me do it?

For perhaps a deeper need is not within the things
we would or wouldn't do, but in the things we share.

You needn't take the knife
You do not need to watch me burn
You do not have to help me die

But if I ever turn to you and ask of you a sin
I ask, if you cannot, that you quietly still keep me in your mind.

Longing
Dancing
Dying

My wrinkled hand scorching a single
frozen sandprint in your palm
as I drift away for one last time
Still whole whilst I'm within you
Life's a Beach Aug 2013
If I could take the blows I would
If I could find a way
to shield your mind from pain, I'd do
that which I know that I should
do,
which is to protect you,
to me that is what is truly true.

I shall not pity, nor pander to
your pains,
for I know that will not help.
With you the key to many problems
is your own brand of self-help.

I hear your sighs, the unsaid silence,
the way with which you obviously
mind, your mind.
I wish that I could reach inside
and embrace the part you choose
to hide to others.
To lift the covers and show you,
the right world built anew.

I want to take the frame and change it from askew.

All I can do is let you know that I'm here.
All I can do is attempt to appear at the
exact point that you need me.
All I can do is make sure you see
that whatever you will be,
you will never lose me.
Life's a Beach Jul 2014
I know what it'd be
There'd be earl grey and coffee
Bedtime and tea
And an old loved sofa
And there'd be you
And me
That's what we'd be

Two dogs by the hearthside
You'd hum sleepily
And there would be a fire
And photos in our farm
Our haven
By the sea
That's where we'd be

There'd be a rug by my feet
And I'd cook every night
And sometimes you'd drink
And sometimes we'd fight
And you'd always win
But I wouldn't mind
Because, most nights,
Some nights,
You'd lie beside me.

Settled
That's what we'd be.

Part of me likes what could be
But part of me has
Seen the inside of a tornado
And part of me
Loves in the heart of the sea

That part of me realises
That although you and I
Could be you
I would never now be me

So that future shall stay as
Just what could be.
Life's a Beach Jan 2016
I hate you, I wish you were Dead
**** me
**** me, please
**** me
You have something to live for, I
Do Not.
**** me!
Put a pillow over my face and smother me
It would be so easy
cries
Please. Please, **** me.

Do you have any heroine?
You will never be enough
You will never be enough to
make me happy
No one will.

A girlfriend who's doing way better who he'll lose or end up sponging off of
No Friends
Can't Die
Nothing
I could stand in the street and punch myself until everything bleeds, you wouldn't stop me
I could invite you over and stab myself
You would do nothing.

You popular *****
How are you going to last
without alcohol?

Didn't realise I was that far down the list
Nice.

You will never understand

You will never understand how
it feels to be alone with your
thoughts
All alone.
I just want someone to care
for me.

I could slit my wrists in front of you,
I don't think you'd care. I don't think
you'd do a thing.
If I died, you'd probably move on in
a couple of days.
You will always find someone to care
for you
Nobody cares for me.

Die.
Remember this conversation.
*******.
Have a ******* good time
I hate you.

I wish I were ******* dead
And I wish you would
******* die.

Aisling.
I'm done.
I'm going to slit my wrists
I'm going to hang myself
I'm going to walk into the sea
I'm going to overdose
Hopefully suffer a heart attack and explode
It doesn't matter
I don't believe you
I'm going to **** them
I'm going to **** them all
Stab them
Shoot them
Beat them to death
Nothing you can do
I just want it all to end

I'm going to make them disappear,
I've done it before.

Have you ****** someone else? It
felt like there was more room in
there.
I feel like you don't want me to
touch you anymore.
I don't want you to touch me.
You only get Freshers' flu if you've
been ******* someone.
You want a hug?
Sure you don't need a safe word?


Do you hate me
Do you hate me
Do you hate me
I bet you hate me
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Take a ****** joke
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
You aren't the same
I want you to be with me
Not like this.
Sorry I've been angry
I can't really stand talking
to you

I didn't mean it;
I was high
I was drunk
I was angry
I wasn't me

I'm a horrible person
I'm a ****
I'm a ****
I'm a liar
I'm an idiot

You're going to leave me
Do you want me to leave?
Shall I leave?

Hold me
Spoon me
Give me a hug

I love you
**I love you too
Quoting. I'll add as stuff happens/as I remember. I'm done with them circling inside my skull.
Life's a Beach Jun 2013
A three fold riddle for you;

1.
I have to check your lips are there,
have to stroke the indent of your hair,
tucked neatly into my shoulder.
I have to check,
have to ensure,
so that I am secure
that we will endure.
Be close to me my darling,
hold me tight,
tell me softly that we'll be alright.
Hold me close for all to see,
let them know that you define me.

2.
Are they looking?
Did they see that you are
now a part of me?
Did you check,
are you sure,
that they've acknowledged that
we are now more
than what they are.
They are alone but we are as one.
We will not be the lonely ones.
Shall we kiss and cuddle?
surely we should definitely snuggle.
Make noises,
coo,
squelch lips and see.
Now all of them wish to be we.

3.
I understand that you like each other,
I understand that you've chosen one another.
Yet do you have to rub it in?
Make cutsey faces, lust and sing
not two feet from my chair?
YES I PROMISE THAT I SEE YOU THERE.
I hear the kisses (do you really have to check?)
and purr out loud at the taste of her neck?
Entwined, as one, you're a right pair.
Just pack it in.
You shouldn't need the stare,
to justify why you are there.
please save it for outside,
or at least have the decency to try to hide,
your teenage lust so 'pure'...
how much more must I endure?
Sorry this reads so negative and ranty :( wrote it after giving up on working when a couple came and sat behind me. I promise I'm not usually this ******.
Life's a Beach Mar 2014
Hush your eyes bright sun.
What vocation have you?
When my clock lies undone
beside him.

Let me lay beside him.
My heart held deep
inside his.
What use am I without
this?
His heart, his trace, his tears,
His snores
I'd miss.
What use am I without
this?

Though whilst in night,
stolen day, I'll pray
for your fun
to stay a little longer.
Whilst in my own
eyes, I'll wander.
Alone, but for
you.

Pull of night, sneak me
through, back
to him, stacked
next to him
healed up deep
within.

Let me love him, sinless sun,
next to me the clock
lies undone.
Life's a Beach Jul 2014
I'll linger
Like the smell of ***
Like the taste of their breath
Their mark left in your mouth
And there I'll stay
In case I want to
Come again
Life's a Beach Jan 2016
I love you in moments
my eyes and my ears
the shutters capturing
Your all.

I love you in moments
fluttering lashes catching
a faded photo to treasure
Your soul

I love you in moments
A laugh, a touch, an embrace,
But even they cannot erase
the beauty of your fragile vulnerability.

When you need me,
I am truly in your thrall.
Life's a Beach Jun 2014
I admit it,
I'm a little bit scared,
Because I can think ahead
Because I can imagine
Imagine what might
happen.

There's a message in my
notifications and it fills me
with a thrill, it's only been
about a month but I miss you
still.
We were so weirdly inseparable.

I press, depress the key and wait,
await my fate.
Here's a possibility:

I slept with someone else, it's over,
I'll miss you.


I'll admit, if it happens, I'll
feel a little mad, and more
than hugely sad, because
You'd do it
because you'd think

it'd do me good to lose you.

If this happens I'll lose more
than just you.
You yourself are more than 'you'.

So for now,
I'm a little bit scared
to blink or think,
because each moment
seems too *******
**fleeting
This poem really isn't up to standard, but it's more of a needed vent than anything. I always imagine future scenarios and I really see this one as an awful possibility when I leave to go to Uni.
Life's a Beach Jul 2014
All at once

I guess I really am quite good
At multitasking
Life's a Beach Dec 2014
To remember your face
the jut of your chin covered in beard is now the only thing
un-erased by your sweep of hair
and even that's a puzzle
show me your face
I miss seeing your lips
but you've lain down fluff
like a mask, like you
want to prevent the path of a kiss
I'm finding it harder to miss,
because I can't remember the last time we properly
kissed
I want to play again
like new born lovers, laughing and
exploring
Instead of the open signpost which
states that lust isn't home right now
So please leave a message after
the tone of the
voice that sounds weary of me, but
desperate that I should never
leave
I want to feel wanted
I shouldn't feel haunted by your laugh
you're not dead yet
but every day I have to check
I'm so tired

Trim the beard
The hedge
Take a mower to the wilderness of your
face
I want to see the
**boy I love
Life's a Beach Jul 2013
I'm just waiting for the **** up.
The point where I say the wrong thing
again,
laugh at the wrong joke,
ask the wrong question
or be the wrong person
once more.
I'm so scared I'm going to bore you
with myself.
But after last time,
and the time before,
being someone else
isn't really an option anymore.

I just really hope you like me,
as I am.
For it's the only thing that I can
be:
Me.
Life's a Beach Jan 2014
When people talk to me
They open up themselves.
Each petal a tale, a memory,
A life.
De-railed by acceptance
They find themselves unfurling to reveal
the worm
Inside their pollen
The speckled taint curled within their seed.
A sign of imperfection
A weakness
Insecurity
To me it adds to their beauty
It makes them seem
complete.

Blossom before me,
And you'll never lose my love.
Life's a Beach Oct 2013
Thank you for the self doubt, today.
I was too shocked to retaliate properly,
it seemed too obvious to say
the words that I wished to.

That I am not you.

I'll not make your mistakes
I won't choose those men
the type you forever chose
time and time again.

I'm not you.

I am filled with self consciousness,
low self esteem,
my trust issues are high
and my confidence is not what it seems.

You made me a wreck.

I'm not you,
I'm paranoid and
suspicious and
tense.
Always waiting in
suspense
to pull up my
defences once
again.

But, I'm not you.

I'm always going to try,
I'll always have to
trust with
reluctance,
but trust I must do.
I am not you,
I'm going to find
happiness, this
I know is true.

I'm going to be with someone
who doesn't make me scared,
instead one who comes to my defence,
one who does not glare me into a corner.

"She was not like the mother who bore her"

Romantic I may be
but ignorant I am not
I would rather rot alone
then jump into bed
fully besotted
straightaway.

I'd rather wait and stay
wary. Rather
worry about their lateness
of arrival
then get on the first ride
I see.

What was it you wished me to be?
Stop being scared about your mistakes
and allow me to be me...
After all of that I think I know who I want to be.

Partly you
Partly Dad
Partly memories
Partly friends
Partly family

but, mostly and absolutely

Me. Why is this so difficult for you to see?
Life's a Beach Jun 2013
Dearest lover, stroke my hair.
Pull the thread which binds me,
strip me bare
of pretence, which I've layered on.
Stare upon me,
See me wrong.

See the burnt out hair,
the un-smoothed skin,
masked with the care
of unknown sin.
My green eyes guarded within
their painted black,
the legs, though shapely,
lack
the never-ending stream of gold,
instead look icy, pale and cold.
Look upon it,
Stare upon me.

Now press, accept, my quivering lips to thine,
that once more I may claim myself mine.
Life's a Beach Sep 2015
Each strand leaving an invisible lump
in my throat
Digging a moat made of
tick lists, weight gain, and loss.
A household tossed into the bin of
my memories
Offered up to the rust, and the
stains of post-cognition
Not even writing anymore, because each page
brings up the nightly nightmares like
bile in
my throat, and there's the moat
again
And I'm drowning.
For, what am I without creativity?

There's no panic though

Just a strange apathy as the weeds
tug on me

Because I know I can never fall in
As deep as before

Curious.
Life's a Beach Sep 2014
Well I'm sure you'd feel haunted
Because you'd want to

And I'm sure you'd feel wasted
Well, that's me* not you

Because I'd go out with a flash of light
And at least I'd tried and I'd stay to fight
For the smallest grain, of the smallest rights,
That can make me feel alive

And I'm sure you'd feel cheated
Though I couldn't fake you

Perhaps you'd feel unwanted
I never meant that for you

And I when cradled a stream of fire
It burnt too close to my desire
Yet still when the ****** put out their lights
I'd still stay to watch yours too

So tonight when we lay awake for hours
Try to slip away the clock and
burn down the towers which have
built a gap between our feet

And Forced a laboured retreat

Tonight, don't think the word defeat
but relight a phantom candle, let a
glow dwindle, continue to thrive.
Tonight is the last night we are alive.

Tomorrow feel wasted,
cheated,
haunted,
forgotten
and Lost

Tonight, accost your senses with nonsense
and slip a away a grieving veil
Tonight feel
Free
Phantom
Pale

And, for now, just
Breathe with me
Grieve for me tomorrow, if you must.
Life's a Beach Mar 2013
What in the world are you to me?
Well, to me, you are the world.
Not because you have sea blue eyes
Tinted through with grass green,
Nor because your hair is as brown
As the earth shot through with sun.
But because you ARE my world,
Because all I can see is you.
In lessons the gentle curve of your smile,
So contagious in its life,
In lunch the warmth of your laugh
Which I ache to achieve.
I long for you and need you,
Not in body but in presence
For it is only with you that I can see
Something other than your eyes, your hair, your smile
With you I can see the earth
But you are my world
And you can blot out the sun
Life's a Beach Sep 2014
The language of lips at the waste side
A bottle of whiskey on our tongues
And the sound of sibilance between our hips

Pure and utter Bliss
Life's a Beach Jul 2014
and I'm out in the rain
in the eye of a cloud
I'm afloat and
refreshed and
real

Once again.
It's a storm, and in the
untouchable notes of
power and brightness,
the sky lights
up reality.
Storm down in my area, hot all day then it suddenly turned torrential. Made me appreciate the rain.
Life's a Beach Apr 2014
When you become numb, and
the signals in your head
slow down to a run
and you become blank

Your future smells rank, but
you thank the skies, as you
burst the bags under your eyes
and feel, for once, release.

You stroke your face, but
knowledge has ceased, and
your fingers are peaceful now,
as you release them now.

To roam unfeeling.

Peeling away the lines that
have taken home there,
you moan, unheard, and
feel

nothing.
Nothing
No thing can
reach you
now.
Life's a Beach Jun 2014
I've been taught to take a beating
It's been enbedded in my skin
A tendency to stare within
and find unknown inadequacies

I've been taught to see
With varied sight
Taught to see only dark
To shun the light.

If someone yells
I must deserve it
If someone hurts
I must have earnt it
When someone grieves
I must relieve it
because it must have been my fault

Take every scream
with a pinch of salt
and time will pass
your shivers
as you wither
melt
away

This is why I take every day as it comes
and find it hard to stare a
checkout girl
in the eye.

And why I expect everyone to
almost definitely to
say they're through, and sigh
goodbye

I've been taught to take a beating
I wondered why you wondered why.
Life's a Beach Dec 2014
and I'm right on the top
bang
Going to write my ****** scene
No spelling errors
No cusps of cuts of typos
Lipo of an essay
I'm going to take a textbook bullet
and blow my ******* brains out
Vowels and consonants splattering on the wall
Every ball of ******* up scribbles that
just missed the bin
are going to rise up, like ghosts, and mummify me
within their subtext of muffled screams

It's going to be fantastic

I'm going to drown my calculator in my dreams
Quietly muttering 3s and x's
Asking it if it can guess Y while I press it's buttons
like it happily pressed mine
Sadistic
Sarcastic
Fantastic-*******-tastic

Die

Ins­uperiority complex

Die

Wish to please

Die

The tease of the good mark that won't give out

Die

muffled shout

Bang

Top of the hit list, let's blow my ******* brains out.
Life's a Beach Jan 2015
I Need
I Pine for passion
I want to smell the scent of you
The decent of you
enveloping me
developing me
to accept my
Desires
Fill me
Feel you
til my body tires
Mind left alight
I want to fight you
Struggle
Tight
Taking and Taken in return
Yearn for me
Ache for me
Shake for me with
your need to
bleed lust

Well, I think you get the general ******…

;)
Life's a Beach Jun 2014
I really need a squeeze
I want to crawl into someone's arms
I want to sit on someone's knees
I'd like to feel someone's breath
Their blood beating under skin
I want to make the gap between us
thin
Safe within
I would like to snuggle
Please.
Life's a Beach May 2014
So I went to bed for once devoid
of such a shroud of fear
My shield of intoxication
a begging web beneath my pillow
A coaxing wish within my ears

And so I went to bed for once
with merely the hint of a fear
Though listening out for 'others'
,I had still that much to bear,
I always fear what might be here.

Yet once I found myself asleep
I could not keep my mind from ******
As my brains membrane was tugged
out, I soaked again
in the shout of
dark nights fear
I wished again
to have someone here
But
I dreamt them too near
I dreamt them too near

I had a dream within a dream
that night
and I stole each blow awake
I woke up twice that night
and allowed myself to shake.
No molecule wished to try
again to fall
but
I forced it.
I felt worse for it.

A Scream
A spider
I tried to hide her
I hid
I slid
I'd shout
But I wouldn't let me out

For when I awoke I was
dreaming
and of my own world I laughed
grieving

And when my eyes opened
My cheeks lay laced
with fearful
tears.
Life's a Beach Jul 2014
Staring at a reflection
Watching for clues
Waiting for signals
But I'm never allowed to lose
Weight
Fat
No flat stomach left
And thin hairs mar
The one you're left with
Your body protrudes underneath your
Bra-line and
It makes you want to cry
Your butts still good
But you fearfully watch the
Jiggle of your thigh

Your body is all you've ever had
Your teeth are yellow and
Your hair loves to be bad
your nose is chipped and angled
Your skin mangled with spots and
Scars
Marred
Imperfect
Only the mirror makes you smile
But photos lack the style of
'Attractiveness'

You feel you can only look like you
In person

But now you have to search for the good
You know they would have you do that.
Okay, I like the practicality of my body.
Where I have stood, there has stood
Health, a wealth of love in
Laughter lines
I love the lines of my muscles
Count my contours,
Feel I'm fine when I breath in my
Cheekbones, hate the stress filled
Frown lines
Never forget the time I
Looked and found myself

Too thin
Too tired
Too wired up
To find myself
Too injured.

Never regret
And never forget
The point I realised
At least imperfect
Allows for 'happy'
If you think nothing tastes better than beautiful
Then you've never tried Nutella.
Life's a Beach Sep 2014
I'm sick of feeling calm
and 'Brave' and 'Strong'
I'm longing, for once, to
not have to balance to maintain
'Right' and 'Wrong'

Because it's 'Right' that people
either play the 'Soldier or the 'Victim'

But, I've never had a ******* say
Never get to say ***** it
Never run away
Never raise my voice
Never add to the confusion

Because I'm the only one who can sort it out

Well I'm sick of playing Clean Up
Sick of wiping up your Slime
your Anger
your Hate
your Uselessness
your Ineptitude
your Spine and
your Gluttonous Selfish Views

Sick of your **** and sick and bile

Sick of having to smile and say "I'll be fine"
Sick of having to whine
Because it's the only way I stay living

Why do I have to be forgiving?

******* All
For the length of this poem I'm
going to be TALL and HAPPY and POISONOUS
and HEALTHY
then I'll go back to being small
accepting
pitiful
and fading

and I'll never tell you all,
as I rearrange while you blame,
that the 'faults' are
all
our faults
after all.
It's just that I clean up the mess.
Life's a Beach Nov 2013
Keep going,
when the world is cold and dark,
and you're still unsure of where
to park your heart

Keep going,
when demons whisper in your ear,
and blur the path and
make your way unclear

Keep going,
when existing drags you down,
when you dream of sinking
without a sound into

unheard darkness

Keep going,
there is no good down there.
Happiness may be something that
catches you unaware,
you never know,
just how much you can grow.

Keep going,
because there is care up here;
emotions that will snag and
tear on the hole that you leave
Behind.

I'm sorry that life is not kind.

Keep going,
because, selfishly, I need you.
I need you
I need you

I didn't want to, but I do.
Because no one else is capable of being you.
Life's a Beach Mar 2013
This lament is not of love
but of beauty:
Not the beauty of a human smile,
nor the beauty of of the lips and
eyes of a beloved,
But of the beauty of the World.

I live for the beauty of the sunset, when
the light hits your eyes
pinning you to the spot.
For the beauty of the corn and grass
wafting in the breeze.
And for the beauty of the sound of
rain lulling you to sleep.

And yet it is this beauty that
kills me.
In every stolen photo, every
meagre recording and
every nostalgic waft of breeze.

For these moments can never be captured

Alas there is no net big enough for this butterfly
And no mind can hold the
bird of paradise
that is life.
Instead, I am doomed to chase it,
throughout my lesser existence
To be forever the one who cries out
"LOOK!" to those who cannot see,
For there are those who are blind to it,
and these are the ones
I pity.
For they are not blind in their
eyes, sight is merely a single
sense that can be easily replaced with
touch or
smell or
hearing...
But blind in their minds

Do not pity me,

though my head is too small
for it's calling.
Pity those who cannot, even
for the briefest of seconds,
see the World.
Who spend life crawling forward,
head down
towards the light, wary
to be blinded.
For, though it may **** me, I
plan to bathe in
that light,
so that, if only for the briefest of moments...
I might see the sun.
And what a way to go.
An early poem which  I have never been able to sort the structure to.
Life's a Beach Aug 2014
Just hold onto me and dance
before time can eat us
before the world can waste us
in monotony and work
my nose is buried in your neck
and
this hurts
more than cuts and bruises

I'm desperate
but the sound of Freddie Mercury
is singing with us, and to us,
and 'us' can never work
after this song
but for now I belong in your arms
and no one else exists, you lift me
up, we kiss.
I'm gonna miss you

No escape from reality

because you're bad news
and so am I
It's a tie on
who's worse for the other,
my lover
you're *****, but
there's nothing romantic about
my chain around your neck,

open your eyes

but for now beckon me in,
and sing again,
forbidden fruit, sing
in my ear and
steer me into
a cliff face

and see

You're poison, your
voice maple syrup, and
your eye my magnet
We're never going to feel
too loose.
Diamond noose, after this
song, once this
fantasy is gone

I'm going to miss you
Feels a bit rough
Life's a Beach May 2014
Let me in, Door with Teeth
Cast a net inside the reef
That I'll find
Life line timed
I'm boxed to stray
Admit to me why
Stay
Pray for Solace

A immodest
Life's a Beach Apr 2014
into a ditch
Where owls don't blink
and your eyes are fish
and your lungs are filled
with an itching need
Fill your lungs with a
drunkmans greed
Catapult on speed and
fill your mind with mud
Within life's canopy, you've trod upon your bud
Thud
Thud
Thud
Your heart chimes
cheek to cheek
Filled with human strength
you realise you're weak
Weak
Week
Days turn from Weeks
Still your blood
Slow it with sleep
Reap
Seep
It's all bleak.

Let me take you into a ditch
and allow your mind to leak.
Life's a Beach Mar 2015
When I saw my bones
Protrude
From the knots of my back
Like the ridges of a dinosaur
Sapped of food, singed with
Stress
A childish distress
Fear darkness
Blankness
Terrifying emptiness
When I saw my back protrude like the
Ridges of a dinosaur
I saw my body dressed as the
Skeleton I will one day become
I saw a vessel controlling a brain
I felt like a bottle of tequila drained
Such fun until it's empty
Used to the tip of uselessness
When I saw my back protrude like dinosaur ridges, a skeleton
****
The most terrifying thing I felt when I saw my back protrude, like the dinosaurs I coveted when I was small,
The rudest thing I felt was

Satisfaction

With it all

I felt more beautiful than I ever had
Maybe
Ever will
Felt satisfied at the neatened carelessness I
Had almost used to **** myself
Satisfaction
That my body curved in
Only bones, no fat or muscle to
Hide the struts within
Revelled in the hunger in the pit of
Stomach because no one
Could control that but
Me
You can't fail at starvation

I loved it
For once I couldn't fail

When I saw my back protrude like a dinosaur
I knew I could never go there again

Because the living dead feel only
Hunger
Chest pains
And fatigue

And dinosaurs ate whenever the **** they wanted to
Life's a Beach May 2014
I know you're not meaning to, but
you're really starting to make me feel, well,
less than beautiful.
Unattractive,
unappealing.
Irrational thought I know, because
16 years of dance at least
means I'm concealing a good ***.
Also, if you were done, it'd
feel done.
You wouldn't stroke my thigh
or let me sigh when you stand
to curl over me.
I know your body wants me.

But your mind is starting to freak me out.

The love is there, but I'm too
aware of a platonic fall,
please take me all. Take me.
I shouldn't need physical justification,
but I want it,
I want you.

I want to feel all of you again,
go back to when I helped you map out
the inside of my skin, let
you break within
Know me nights cos I can
leave your skin soaked in
Devil's tears
I want you to misspend my years
or
I fear I will regret them.

So, please know me again.
I can promise an ****** is
generally better than a youtube video.
Life's a Beach Jan 2015
About little tiny things
Flutter round faces
Like tiny beautiful rings
A household in harmony
A past left to sob alone
A kitchen filled with place settings
A world without the word alone
dishcloths on the counter
shoes placed on the stairs
a partner sleeping peacefully
A cat and dog unaware of
grief
A world in which breathing relief
is a staple
Like the dancing pole in the basement
the books on every shelf
and the window in my study,
filled with photos,
paint,
and healthy stress
Nothing more
needed
Nothing Less
again

Because when I look out that window
I'll know that at least
my home
can now be stable

**at last
Life's a Beach Oct 2014
Make me feel alive
Cut away my walls
Make me feel alive
Rip me down
Just to watch me fall

Make me feel alive
Bite across my veins
Keep my arms untied
So I can treat you
the same

Oh, Feel me
Breathe me
Touch me
Release me

Steal me
Reel me
In
Cut the word sin
Into my bones
Trickle within
Just

Make me feel alive
Force me to take a ragged breath
and breathe release
Make me feel alive
Scratch your name across my chest
and crease
Test my endurance
You have my assurance that

I can keep this up,
Don't **** this up, but do
if you feel like you
want to

Just make me live again
Life's a Beach Oct 2014
So I lay, every night, in a shirt
that you've given me
Because I want another reminder that although
I'm mad and you're sad
You're still a part of me

And it's going to break my heart when I wash and starch
the sheets that you've touched, where you've touched me

If you think you're not important
then perhaps you haven't met me

I pressed pause on life and look on into a brink
of a new dawn, but you found a way to break in

Life giving water, come down from your cloud
and wash over me, rid yourself of the frown which
you've stapled down to your chin
Lift me, every grin you give me, reminds me not to fear of eternity
You are such a gift.

But once you're in that cloud you block me out,
There is no lift that can take me to your heights
Why do you fight to prevent any help?
You call me, an unbreakable siren SOS,
yet you will not let me in

let me in

I am bare to you
Too aware of you to allow myself
to press a pause
to take a breath
a leap
a wreath of blackened roses
cut into my head

Please, stop acting like you wish you're dead

That's what she said
That's what she said

Be bare to me

and let me in
I allowed that pain of me.
Life's a Beach Aug 2013
"When are you going?"
"Soon."

Soon you'll be gone
and I'll be left to long,
alone, but for the song you
once owned which belongs to
me now.

Soon you'll be gone,
and the messages you will receive
will mask my panic that I'll
never retrieve you again.  
Left so small and rotten.

When you do return, will you still want me then?

Soon you'll be gone
and those who wish to greet you,
who are going to meet you.
They'll love you as I have done
and they're the ones that you'll now
become 'one' with.

Soon you will be gone,
leaving me to be, less than
I have been. Less than you
have seen.
And you-
I have learnt that you'll find someone better.

Soon you will be gone,
and I'll be left to sink,
blinking hazily up at the
lights of the night sky
which you once helped me track.
Haunted by the ghosts of all that
I have lacked.
Yet again.

Soon you will be gone.
I will carry on, though I
hope that I do not have to
without you.

I don't want to be alone
left to roam, with search lights
yet again.
I'd rather trace a happy smile
with my pen, then stain the
paper with my pain.

But, soon you will be gone.
Then I won't belong.

Again.
Life's a Beach Jan 2014
I'm left looking up again.

Brown, worm dulled, walls of dust
Slowly rust away my grin
The pits of depression opened again
Within.
It is me.

The roots of this tree cling to
My head
It's tendrils of dirt seeping
Through
Feels like

With this feeling.

This ancestral tree like a ceiling

My limit.

I feel done.

The weights branching in ton
By ton
By Ton
Try to run, but you can't
Sometimes you daren't
Because it's
Pushing
It's pressing
You
Down
Down
Down

Into soil, into more
More toil.

Into the ground,
Where you'll be found
Possibly, one day
Too late.
A crater of bones
Is your fate.
Ouch, that's a bit dark?

Try not to turn into
Brittle
Burnt up
Bark.

Deeper
Deeper
Deeper

My head's full of dirt.

It's going to hurt, but
I'm going to make it.
Scratch myself out
Scream and shout and
Kick away doubts of
Normality.
Allow reality,
Leave leaves of mould behind,
Find a seedling of light
And fight for your
Own.

Allow myself to grow,
**** to compost
Ashes to Ash
Dust leaves me
Now.
God knows how,
But time shall wipe off
The grime.

Once again I'll make myself mine.
Life's a Beach Oct 2014
It's a yell
A shout
A scream
and it's unheard. Believe me, when I
say I am not what I seem to be
when I am smiling
when I am grimacing
and I am wishing that I could do it

"just like normal people do"

But the word "Anxious" is soaked
like a tattoo down to my bone, until
I feel so alone that I wish I could eat myself
Snake scales slowly sliding into place
As, with each new word, I slowly want
to trickle sand
and
erase my
embarrassment
All too aware of
harassment which doesn't exist

I can't even begin to give you a list
of the amount of ways I felt this
hole, this weight, this unmistakeable
slayer of my breath
make me feel bereft again of
society, and friendship,
and love,
My brain is constantly praying for that dove
with an olive branch
Just to take a stance over my head
and let me be led into freedom
But instead

My mentality lies in tatters
and what is left
wholesome is scattered
with fear on the wind,
gradually allowing itself to rescind
until it turns, reforms, and falls
again

I never know when it's going to strike

Usually it's when I start to like somebody new,
that it begins to brew up it's toxic mess
Friend, Other or Lover,
it will find a way to slither and make
less again,
So nuh-uh, no way, not again,
I refuse to look you in the eye,
because I'm scared I'll cry if I see my fear there,
I'm scared I'll see that you're aware, that my fear
is slowly drowning me, and crowning
me the Queen of
Isolation,
lost and uncertain
Wishing I could pull the curtain, but still
blindly hoping that audience will
come to, will see the tattoo
and not be disgusted.
I don't want to be distrusted, because every sorry
is laden with uncertainty and regret, that's it
not over yet, and the monster still holds
me by the throat,
I am bathed in mistrust's yolk

And I wish I could smell of something different.

But, I take a deep breath, and I let
another war begin.
Because every day I stare into another's
pupil, is
another day I kinda, sorta,
win.
******* anxiety
I win every single battle
and one day,
I'll win the war.
Life's a Beach Jun 2013
I ask of you, are you worth it?
The pain and lack of care,
the continual tear of my hearts
many scars,
the trapping of me once more
behind the bars
of my blindness of feeling.

The blows you deal me send me
reeling,
and yet I still find myself
kneeling
at your sacrificial altar,
once more offering my all,
mind, body
soul.
Knowing you will only take
the second,
that once more you will forsake
my mind and soul.
Congratulations on your ****.
Studied some Wyatt in English today. Farewell Love inspired me to write this.
Life's a Beach Nov 2014
If I could just eat your laugh
I would never need food again
Nor would I fear a path
Of starvation or death
For my life would be bereft in wholesome
and succulent
Good
And all that is left would eclipse all
that was lifted from
me, that last
time I heard that haunting
flaunting
*Laugh
Life's a Beach Jul 2013
Soon the Moon may take
me.
Slip the rope from the harbour of my body
and cast me
out to sea.
My hand stroking the silky water
whilst I watch the silent scream,
the dream, of myself floating away,
whilst the anchor of my mind
drops
Unattached
and Unencumbered.
Turning instead to foam on the
waves.

One day.

Soon the Moon may take
me.
And make me once more it's own.
Letting loose the beast within and allowing
it one more roam.
Freedom at last.
All that is past dropping from it as
a bit from the steed which will
no more
sit a rider.
Useless
I will hide her.
Useful only to me.

If you could but see.

For,
Soon the Moon may take
me.
Cutting loose the rope which binds
my arms to flesh,
and heart to mind.
Letting free the wings to fly into
the sky of tear strewn clouds.
Once more allowed the bitterly taken
happiness.

What could mean less?

The moon may take me
Break me
But I will never allow me to
Forsake thee.

My boat would find your port
My beast your stable
My wings your pedestal.
I am your own
You are my Home,
and so I shall never allow myself to roam
without you.

Never shall I abandon you alone.
Life's a Beach Aug 2014
Melt my face
Erase expression
and trace
a grin
within
Build me a sin
Slice into skin and
cut out a finished project
I'm done
Make me new.
Mould and
fold
Out Bolder
Social Skills
Force me to feel
a thrill
Force feed me
free will.
Life's a Beach Sep 2014
Don't look
Don't even think about
The Hairbrush

You've put it off
But now
you must put on a show

Almost hear the hairs

Doing it with fingers is worse
Like a rake to leaves
Smile
Remain calm
Carry on


Showering is a new hell
There they stick to you
Like leftover over seaweed
on the sand of your scalp


Wet Souvenirs of the past weeks
You pick them off one by one
try not to cry again

I hate this
Hate what has happened
Search for a blame
obvious choices
Attempt Anger
Anything but this empty smile
(Maybe the hormones will help)
and the familiar throb

But all I feel is Panic
Sorrow
and Resignation

That tomorrow always holds
another war

Regardless of how sick I am of fighting.
Last week or so has been hell. Family drama hit just as I got my annual depression (also two weeks until I leave for Uni), my hair has started falling out which is something I can't fix on my own.

I feel scared, but all I can do is carry on at this point.
Life's a Beach Dec 2014
Manson's singing soaking them with
the silken sound of ***
His throat tearing with sweat and
blood
The way you'd like your
fabric skin torn
away
As he pours a flood of
need down your
throat and
legs
You want to beg for
mercy and more
Beg until your body is sore
with the pill of a breath
The sound of his pain
makes you feel bereft
and touched
too much
not
enough
don't
stop

His voice grabs the audience's crotch
Be obsene

"Light a candle for the sinners"
"Light a fire"

You could burn a country with this audience's
desire


Manson is ******* them.
And they ******* love it.
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