Battered eyes stare up
in surprise as
Storm strewn skies part to
swallow and
eat, upon their flesh.
This is truly the sign
of a divine caress.

I pray to believe,
wish to look into the heated
moistened breath of
an untamed creator, a
predator, a
beast without mercy.

Somehow stare up at a
loving, pitying,
purpose
for
This.

Maybe I shall ask
Why?
The question everyone
appropriately, apparently,
'admits' to wishing to ask
of their path to
the granter of
the kiss
of air.

Whose apple's poison
stripped us bare to
awareness.

So we want to know, do
we?
Why? Why? What?
What What What
HOW
Could you throw a part of
you
down to rebirth. Your
children of Earth trapped with
the Un-see-ers.

Some of which call themselves
your 'Believers'.
Their love as sincere, and as
rich as 'Beliebers'...

You have become too fashionable,
My Lord. Your many
faces grace the
bored with
fulfillment... they're
using you for entertainment.

They show your teeth,
your fangs,
your bangs.
You cannot be wild here,
you cannot be loved
fully
here.
Our fruit filled hunger can
never be sated.

Love me God?
                         Could you
                                            love me?
Never.
You left me here to
persevere* regardless,
was it a mistake? When
you chucked me down,
naked, guard less and
mutilated?

You left my Life Deck
card less.
So, I'm forced to hide my
hand, my
brand from
'God'...
I hide, because you've
let them hurt
me.

Residing in Silent Sorrowful
Secrecy. The reincarnation
of your Scales,
watch Life nail me down, as
I offer up my body,
tarnished,
damaged and
creased.

I am no more than your Beast,
waiting patiently for
your judgment
feast.

I am, Least.

You=Sin=Me

I was more than this

More than the sieved shelled
husk in a hallway
Waiting for relatives to
scavenge fragmented
memories

More than the salted sinner
deserving of slaughter
Further than the fear in
my shivers as I stared down
a bullet; and lost.

More than just a media martyr
A way to sell papers
A symbol of massacre
Emotional wankery; societies comfort

That isn't me

I am more than just bravery
I am not merely someone's
More than a parent
More than a child
More than a hero
More than a minute of silence

I was my own.

A scribble;
Hobbies, Quirks, Tics,
Snarks, Anger, Laughter, Tragedy,
Sexuality, Inside Jokes,
Embarassment

I was secrets, that no-one else will
ever know.
I am secrets locked inside a rotting mass
I am forgotten; because I can no longer remember.

A stockpile of emotion,
reduced to a photo,
and the title of 'victim'
'hero'
'martyr'
'missed'

Today I am 2D
Today I 'RIP' Remembered

Tomorrow, I hope to be real
and forgotten

Tomorrow, I hope to have
**lived

Mother, I have lost you.
not through death's cold fingers,
nor from hatred's bitter wrench,
but from blindness
both yours
and mine.

You see I drifted,
boarded the boat of self indulgence
and threatened to cut the cord.
And you didn't notice.
Blinded by your own issues,
your own problems,
your man-child's dependence,
you didn't notice my knife of self-pity.

I looked to you for confidence,
justification,
identity,
but you were turned away.
So, in your blindness, I created my own.

I didn't see you for my mother,
as I once had done.
I cast off from the shore,
thinking of martyrdom,
taking the anchor
as you watched,
and dropping it into my mind.

I didn't see, you see, that it was
hidden
deep in my eyes full of
ocean,
so similar to your own,
I didn't see that you couldn't.

And now that I have shown you
I fear I am too late.
My boat has drifted from your shore,
the once secure knot
drifting into the current, swallowed
by an unforgiving sea.

But I will fight.

with oar's forged from wishes alone.
From the beacon of your love,
un-snuffable through the storm of my mind,
I will find you again.
I will swim, sink and walk the ocean's bed
if need be.

Mother I can see.

Now see me as I am.

My beautiful walking Angel,
please don't fly away.

It was only you who could lift
me, from the darkest night and
days
of life without her.

My walking Angel.

He talks as though he has one foot
above,
he walks this earth afloat
already. Leaving me fitfully to
wait, in my safely anchored boat.
He's so sure of his inadequacy,
yet I would gladly soak myself in fear,
just so that I could have him near.

Sweet glorious Angel.
Clipped wings yet so ready to fly.
If you were to die, then part
of me would surely go too.

I'm already bound to you.

We both chose immediately to
shield that which makes us,
from others,
yet to each other, we managed not
to yield to the temptation of
our defences.
In spite of the offences of those who've
gone past, leaving a lasting brand
in our skin,
of each terrible individual sin.
Each scar wrought within.

Innocent Angel.

I am completely vulnerable to you.
Usually so overly aware of danger,
I have already, affectively,
sworn my life to you.

This next page is yours.

Dangerous Angel.

Whether you lift me up to fall,
or pull me down to drown,
I shall walk where you tread.
A breadcrumb trail of tears in my wake,
as I am shaken awake from your
dream
Your soul left to rest in the gleam of
my eye.

An unsnuffable candle
to guide you back to me.

Athiest Angel, I was asleep before
you came
and awoke me with your kiss,
jerking my heart from it's
Ivy covered cage,
our instantaneous gauge
of our compatibility
creating a feasibility
of merging.

Gentle Angel.

You took my beating soul
and gouged it with
a caress,
spelt your name
and my destruction,
with your irresistible seduction
of vulnerability,
and tranquility
of purity.

My tender Angel.

Your knifepoint was always fated
for my ribs.
Take me with you if you leave,
allow me to anchor-
no better- hold you,
and embolden you to be
whatever the ******* want to be.

With your battered suitcase of a soul.
How many more kicks can you take
before they pack you in?
The irony in that the sin was never yours.
I abhor those who chose to lord over you.
Please come aboard my raft of
defiance, which is learning the science
of your chemistry.

Darling Angel.  

I do not wish you to fall or fly,
instead remain afloat,
allow me to paddle my unshakeable boat
towards you,
with a view of amorous intentions.

My salvation,
who will surely be
my downfall,
my Samson.

I know what you have undone.

Me.

I think we both were trying to see,
just how long we could live
without each other.
The answer is two days, and
I feel I shall be supported when
I say, let's not do this again.

No matter how, why, where or when
I don't think my heart can stand the loss,
and my future husband better not give a
toss about you joining us on our honeymoon
(You can bring your own man along to spoon)
for without you I'd surely swoon and stare
longingly at the moon, leaving him
to enjoy the nuptial bed in singularity.
I require my beautiful blonde to bring me clarity.

**** it, I'm trying to say I miss you.

Emptiness* again,
Unable to find my way back
to emotion.
Alone
Unheard moans
Mentality ripped in my mind
Unable to find a single shred
of hope
Utter Fear
of the Sea's Noose and Rope
looking *inviting

Always there
Always lapping
Always waiting

It is a child's pain
a small cut on an even smaller hand,
The hand, now much older, will never let it smooth again.

It is a child's pain
an innocent mind, tarnished only by tantrums.
Murky now, it shall never be pure again.

It is a child's pain
once so easily surprised and alive.
Has turned to ice and acceptance, never shocked again.

It is a child's pain
confusion and denial, yet never bitter,
that loss will not be whole again.

It is a child's pain
the empty gap in a scribble of 'my family'
to never completely be clear again.

It is a child's pain
an all trusting love and longing,
left with merely wishing to belong again.

It is a child's pain
a part of me, a side of me, a slice of me, that cut in me,
it will never be me again.

I'll tickle you
You'll probably get in 'a huff'
You'll give me a growl
Warn "That's Enough"

But you'll laugh as well though

So comfy I could finally sleep
A glowing trust that you'll keep
me deep in your patterned arms
So safe from harm
With you.

Held together better than glue
Sometimes you don't believe me
When I tell you "I'm so happy"

But around you
It's hard to be anything but

that.

Instead it's earned, like a payment
plan. Every drop of sand quickened or slowed
with actions, words and loans of health.
Death is the epitome of stealth
So far away when young, yet the last
lap of it, you run,
It's breath on the nape of your neck
Like scorch marks, track marks
The ****** skid marks of a life too short, yet too
long, yet too unexplained, yet too peaceful, yet
too daring yet-
Everything.

Death is not something to steal, it is natures
to take.
Death's scythe is a rake for fallen souls
If I had time to learn every religion, I'd probably
believe them all
In the hope that penance is a myth.

If life is a gift, then
death is the end of the party.

Do not **** others, for that would be taking cake
that is not yours.

and do not **** yourself, your life is not your
own to take.

But, take solace, Death will rake you soon enough, and
then, maybe only then, will you feel the regret of wishing away
a lifetime.

Do not steal
Do not ****
Do not scorn
The master of nature, which
must take us all.

Amen.

I choose to be happy*
those words, now caged in a song,
slip through my lips before their
immortalisation.
They come in a confession of self,
a revelation of me.
I stare up at the listener preparing
to defend myself, and find,
once again,
that no defence is needed.
My heart,
my safety,
my world.
With you alone I am
constantly vulnerable,
yet always
protected.
Thank you.

Why would you ever go back?

Do not lie to me
With the face of a God
Yet the tongue of a demon.
Lest, in face, I perceive
My wound as the mercy of
A Dagger of Truth

Nay, do not lie.

For with that mark I'd lie bleeding
Ignorant of your
slice
A piercing
Your knife still in my lungs
a Serpent's sword
It is not fair.

In a lie I'll die a thousand lingering deaths
And never feel a pain

With a truth I am wounded until my body
Heals me, to rise again

So do not give me a lie.

Hurt me

And allow me to live

If I had to
I would paint him like this;
His hair thick streaks, shielding
Hidden face, arms placed protectively
about a shield of strings, his
fingers float out joy.
My Boy
Lies immersed in his own
Invisible sound,
Happiness hidden, and found,
Underground.
Silence Sings Out Loud.

I would paint him like this.

If I had to
I would paint her like this;
Her hair tangled in a golden kiss
against the mischief of her
face, all sorrow erased
by half moons of mirth
Hands of Nurture placed
deep in the Earth.
In stability she is
free, in life
she is re-born,
eternally stubborn.

I would paint her like this.

If I had to
I would paint them like this;
Colours clashing to complete
the cadbury brown of hair,
Blue and Red swirling and
stairing their way down
to Purple.
If I were to paint them, I'd
create a staple of
a third and final
canvas.

Both Him & Her,
Boy and Girl,
complete
_ _
This is their
similarity.

Watch pulses flaunt their Paper power,
whilst with each new wave the ***
stirs sour.
The undead watch with sandwiched
surprise
As levers creep over their eyes.
Which painfully purge the red to gold
The raw amygdala to cold.

We are all sold
Bought and sold
We paid our souls
To be sold

Sit mute and watch dark deeds
be done, under the all seeing
eye of the son.
Your purity can still be won
So keep your deadly sins
instead
omit within the eighth,
the joy of which you ate;
Too late
fun. Don't run,
Don't jaunt,
Lie down.

Flaunt flaunt
Your purity
Watch society
Crave your
anonymity.

Open a mind
through a blender.
Send her
flowers
candy
peace
and teeth
All to get at
the crease
of cash,
her personal stash.

You will always be hungry.

Don't tell me that I'm overreacting,
you who, without a care,
do send me into the past.
You wouldn't know, you were not there.

Fine, in presence you were plenty,
but in comforting voice, you sure were rare,
you were present in my past
but that was when you chose to stare
away from your sins

Which you'd cast down upon my head,
through the way you'd made your bed.

With him
Surely he was your greatest sin

Why did you need to cast your lot,
with that ham ******, emotionally unstable
clot of a man.
Did you choose him "because I can."
or because you really were such a fool,
as not to listen to your offspring, who
could already sense his chill.

"You'll regret this, mum."

But you didn't,
so we did instead.
This blame of yours fell upon
our heads.

You kept him for me,
my brother
and every other whom you
could muster up.
But, in reality: yourself.
You just couldn't bear to be left
on the shelf.

You allowed a viper into eden,
a snake into the nest.
You took all words of positivity,
and you ignored the rest.

I suppose a part of you wanted to test
my limits.

It turned out: none.

You watched, unseeing, as he
wormed his way in.
You watched as my affection
he won.
You watched him glow brighter
than the sun, in my eyes.
You watched him scheme, and hurt, and prise
away my shell of protection.
You watched as he turned me into
a projection, of his tainted reflection.

You watched as love, turned to rejection.

You watched as he lost control.
You watched as I shattered, and was
pushed by him to fall.
You watched him cruel.

You watched, yet somehow recall
me as forever being glad.
Never recalling all the bad,
and the sad, which
you forced me see and hear.

No wonder I don't remember you,
as ever being near.

The striking times I heard your
voice
you were crying or in deep pain,
at times and places
where I had no choice
but to hear you.

Unlike with him, I could never fear you.

Sad, lonely figure.
Desperate for a love
which no ******* from
above
ever chose to give you.

I hope that you know
that I forgive you.

Oh Mother, I will always love you.
Even if it somehow has to be in spite,
of you being one of the causes of my
eternal fight.

I'll always somehow need you
Whether or not you're wrong or right.

I aim to never regret,
to never stare back and lose
myself
completely in the moments
which have passed...
For how long would I last
if my energy was sapped
and I no longer could map
my way back to here.
Better to steer clear of nostalgia.

But, I sometimes feel I have to,
to stay true to who I am
I must acknowledge that which made
me this.
That which all I can do now is miss;
Their Smile
Their Hug
Their Kiss
In truth, there is no greater pain than this.
Be it lover,
mother,
father
or other.
Their memory and scar of happier times
will always cause the chime
of destruction.

A fairly simple yet awful deduction.

Love me.
Though I may seem blind
to the ways of love.
If anyone can make me see
that feeling light and true
Let it be you.

Pitter Patter on the window pane
I know your mind will never be the same
***** girl, you'll think you are to blame
Do you hear me knocking on your window pain?

You are insane now
You dance with flame now
I clothe your skin in sweat

Your eyes pierced tamed now
You're slain now

But I am not done yet
My stain
I am not done yet

Scoop you out and
Carve you up then throw
Away what's left

YUM YUM

I AM NOT DONE YET

Ha Ha Ha
I bet you're confused
I feel that you're bruised
Don't think that I'm done yet

Don't waste yourself
You're blessed

Say my name
no better
pant it
I was infancy until
you sank your lips
onto mine
possess me
climb me down the evolutionary ladder
turns out it's better to
be primal than to be
sophisticated
oh I'm wasted
in your breath
in your stench
I'm drunk on your
wetness
ethonol
a drug
but we haven't drunk
or eaten together before
so now we're rabid
and
ravenous

And so I was a merely a balm
a relief to the break in your life
and it was a blessing to bring calm
to soothe that inner strife

But once a wound is healed
the healer is sent away
I guess my fate was always sealed
I could not cause that resolution sway

I relished our time together
my ability to bring a smile
no matter the stormy weather
you made my time worthwhile.

But now that smile is hers
to draw across your face
and I know that in your mind
I will never find a trace
of me again.

As a new chapter
opens
And a new path
Appears
I need to know
Before we tred away
Together
That you were once mine
Completely
And I was once yours
Entirely
So that, should I ever look
Back without you ,

I knew that I was once loved
And I knew that you knew
That you were too.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Shake loose the leaden legs,
once so full of life and vigour.
Fling off the shroud, you've
wrapped around your youthful face
of promise.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
An adult now you are,
and un-allowed to halt when life
has knocked you down.
A cruel world my child,
but a real one.
A needed one.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Cease your searching for
the embrace you long to have
once more,
the impossible dream has
sailed away. Their boat has
left your shore.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
Take again to the
stage which is your destiny.
Pick up your heavy mantle and
tip-toe forward to the light.
You cannot follow her there.

Wipe your eyes, crying child.
And fill them once more full
of life,
hope,
and mirth.
A part of you left beneath the earth.

Your head resting upon my shoulder,
supple boulder
I lie, beholden to you.

You kiss can erase
Everything
everything
exams, dates, rates
Late
late
Late
Take it all and seal it in
with a brush of your
lips on my
forehead
Everything chaos
before I wasn't led
by you.
Said by you.
Saved by you.
Laid with you.

I think I could be whole now.

There be the blush of sin about
your flesh.
A caress, a tint, which speaks
of freshness
tainted.
Your aura of dirt,
why waste it?
Let's use it.
Why do you not dare

to abuse it?

Allow me to worm
my way within
Fingers Lingering
at your throat
Your skin is soaked
with my sweetened
sweat.
I cannot free you now,
I'll not release you yet.
You are now mine.
Beloved design.
My lust for you
is more than
crime.

Climb and clasp
your thighs
for me
Your muffled
cries choke
distress
for me
As I lift up the
sky of your
dress.

I've made you free.

No human, not one
woman is
fresh.
Your broken crest is
merely one
More tendril of
rot,
you lie undone
won
My 'violation' just
one more
small spot
on
existance.

I wondered why you
put up resistance.

I know the smell of everyone I've ever loved
wanted
hated
lusted
snorted like a dying drug addicts last meal

My first smelt of deities
a mens deodorant for a boy
who didn't know what he
wanted, but he knew what
he should.
He was sharp, uncertain, his
natural scent masked by an
advert.

My second smelt of fields
the earth was his roll-on
and though he'd mask it in
the oils of men, I knew he
smell of a hearth, hormones
and her heart on his sleeve.
His scent was primal and I
bathed in it's rawness.

My third smells of fire
whatever he's burning,
midnight oil, stress,
nicotine, I can sense it
soaked into his skin with
sweat. Encased in fire,
I suffocate on air nowadays.
He reeks of home, lust, longing

and hope.

I still smell of your smoke.
Wisps of carbon monoxide ribbons
through my hair and allows me one more
glimpse of me, sitting over there.

I still smell of your smoke.
Your laugh sending dragon puffs
whistling on the wind, the warmth of
it, of you, of here, beckoning me closer in.

I still smell of your smoke.
Roll up placed between fingers, resting
by my side. Your light hearted words a
whisper, of the defence you hide behind.

I still smell of your smoke.
Tar resting on my clothes, a
memento of the addiction I
once did swear to loath.

I still smell of your smoke.
simple, but it's true.
Every time I breathe it in I
can't help but think of you.

Smells good.

Everything lingers on
but I don't think you do, so much
anymore.
Perhaps because, all
that I saw of you
wasn't really you
at all.
Don't worry I'm not about to bawl
at the idea of this trick,
for you might be slick but
it was I who chose to stick
this
illusion
this
idea
to your frame.
How could you be to blame?

And so you linger,
but not actively,
not aggressively,
nor painfully anymore.
And she who saw what
she thought she saw which
cannot be seen anymore,
has emitted the last snore,
of this dream of the scene with
you in.

It's time for a new reality to begin.

I miss you.
The words cut thin, into
what is merely
the tip of this iceberg of hurt.

I stare blankly at the message box,
agonising over the three words...
untyped,
and as yet,
unsaid.
They are so much truer than the ones
already handing there, on the internets
metaphorical hook:
clique,
calculated,
unneeded and without emotional depth.

"Hey, how are you?"

The words are practically part of the set
of desperate messages I have
wanted to send you,
which would surely have rendered me
wholly unattractive to you.

You make me feel as desirable as poo.

No replies, mixed with affectionate goodbyes,
the sighs you make are surely lies,
when you say that you want to see me.

I'm feeling used, my good nature abused
of it's inability to feel suspicion
over your rendition of first loves
broad script.
Yet I leave my sense behind your
lips
which are locked with the key of
my obligingness.
My wish to try to humanise your
cockiness.

I sometimes wish you'd pay more attention
to the descent of me into madness.

This bewitching and beguiling madness,
so unlike the alternative.

The madness in the way you bridge the
gap between us,
an enthusiastic run of fun, and longing
for me.

The madness in the way you seem to
see me.
A sensual creature of beauty, perhaps
my blindness was from the serenity I
seemed grasp from your gaze.
You don't see me, but I'd be lying if
I didn't wish for that to be what I
am to thee.  

You leave me walking around in a daze.

I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing,
but I know that all you have to do is ring
and I'm there,
I swear I am despicable as I seem.
Because, honestly, I still don't dare dream
that you may wish for this,
something other than my
'heatmaking' kiss.

I hope I can be brave enough to miss you.

But I don't think I can be just yet,
I'm not exactly playing hard to get.  

*enter

Just cut me a break won't you?
Give me just a little bit of joy again?
it doesn't take much to push me back,
push me back down to the ground.
But I'm sick of not feeling happy,
sick of not feeling safe and sound.
I want to scream with my emotion,
yell from the rooftops,
jump high into the sky,
not just sit here blandly crying,
asking how?
asking why?
not really expecting answers...
waiting, helpless, waiting to die.

I'm sick of asking why and how,
sick of asking who and what.
I've found the cure though, deep inside,
I've found the answer, found the rot:

I bring it on myself.

there I said it! And I won't take it back
what right have you to say
I shouldn't take the blame at all?
I see now where the issue lies.
I'm prepared to take the fall.

All this time I've sat here helpless,
to myself,
silently screaming,
terrified,
dust layering onto my shelf.
And I'm done. I'm free.
So I'm now going to dare to live as
me.

It's taken me a while to realise
but simple doesn't always mean happy
Back then was simple,
We were simple.
Two in love, the
other two in lust
It was nothing to make a fuss about
But We were simple
The rest of my life lay complex
So, your hands became my
escape route, your lips
a hiding place
And together we made a distraction
Just big enough to stop a ****, and
your hands became explorers
and together we mapped out
My naked body
Which, before you, I didn't think anybody
could want.
You made a tangled mind feel
Simple.
You made a scared child feel
Beautiful.

But I never let you really in,
never let you see, because
what I wanted to find in
you was me
dressed in simplicity.

And now that part of me is complex  
I've lost that group
That laughter
That lightness
But, what I have now,
Who I have now,
What it's made me
I wouldn't switch it for the world.
And
that choice, for mayhem,
That choice is simple.

It's taken me a while to realise
But simple doesn't always mean happy
Back then was simple,
We were simple.
Two in love
The other two in lust
It was nothing to make a fuss about
But we were simple
Because the rest of my life was complex
So
You were my escape route
And together we made a distraction
Just big enough to stop a ****
And together we helped to map out
My naked body
Which, before you, I didn't think anybody could want.
You made a tangled mind feel
Simple.

And now that part of me is complex
I've lost that group
That laughter
That lightness
But, what I have now,
Who I have now,
What it's made me
I wouldn't switch it for the world.
And
That choice is simple.

Stab my stomach
Cut my brain
Just admit, you'd
Do the same.

Calm yourself, your heart
and mind
Give up your body to
sleep
although your nightmares
may plague you, I
believe you have the
power to keep them at
bay.
Allow yourself to sway
their way in the metaphorical
wind of the storm,
your grin should be worn
as though you are reborn
with the power of
acceptance.
My dearest friend, allow
yourself this one respite,
calm your mind and
sleep soundly through the night.

I am surrounded
by people
Trapped
by people
Sapped
By people
of strength
They have
taken.
The people
are everywhere,
Screaming
Laughing
Crying
Dying
and sighing with fatigue
I watch

Fearful of people

There is nowhere to hide.
I shall have to bide my time
and one by one they'll leave

me

So Daddy never loved me enough
Tough ****
And Mummy never drank enough
But her partner did

And I never sank enough
To be seen legit
But I guess
I'll get over it

Cos in the end
Yes
At the end

See at the end
So ******* what?

There's no point to it
If there ain't no good in it.

Our noses touch,
But we mustn't kiss.
It doesn't matter;
This is still bliss
You remind me
Of Security I've missed.
Maybe someone likes
Me after all?

And, I wish this hold
Could last a year.
I wish I wouldn't just
Return to fear
For now, I make you
Lend an ear;
So, I can whisper in it
Nothings for the night.
Pray the curtains won't
Let in the light.

In case you disappear like
Star light in the sun

Can't bear to think reality has won.

So, we stay in pause,
Your breath on my lips
Instead of a kiss.
Never missed if it
Never happened.

*******
Mentioning
My
Room
I throw the clothes one by one
into the gloom of the
chest of
drawers
Allowing myself only a pause
to gather a little claw of rage again to fold
and hold
Resolve

Stop talking about my room
Consider this topic
closed

Just how my door will be
In future.