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Jane Nov 2021
You think I'm pretty? You don't think I should change?
Not by a single gram I won't, I promise Anna.

It's my friend Anna, she's always here for me.
Anna, I don't want to think, tell me what to do,
Yes, thank you Anna, I'll calculate those for you.

Did you say I look perfect Anna?
I can maintain perfect by being perfect.
I can be precise Anna, I promise, don't leave.

Anna, that's a lot of calculating.
Sorry Anna, you're right, perfection takes hard work.
I'm unafraid of toil.

Anna, I'm worried Anna, I can't stop feeling.
Think? I can over think to stop the feeling.
I'll gladly overthink than to over feel.
You're right Anna, I can numb it.

Anna, I'm craving something.
You're right Anna, I will never have that.

Anna, I never told you what I craved.
I craved love Anna, I craved safety.
I'm hungry for a meaningful life Anna.
Please feed those to me.

Why don't you give me what you promised Anna?
You became a liar Anna, but love is blind and I need you.

Speak for me Anna, lie for me Anna.
Anna others want to feed me, Anna, I don't know what they're feeding me Anna, stop them, it's unsafe where it's uncertain.

Yes, what Anna said, I already ate.
When?
Anna, they're catching on Anna, do something.

Anna, I'm hungry, Anna.
I've been keeping you alive to keep myself dead.

Anna please,
I starved myself, to feed Anna.
Sep 2021 · 514
I'm All I can Think About
Jane Sep 2021
What is Perfect?

Hitting the 1800.
Remaining between the 400-600.
Using the 1/2 and the 1/4.
Because I will never be 1/1, fully complete.

What will define me? What can define my worthy?
In guarantee, undoubtedly.
Like an object, priced and tagged with money.
Value through digits, simple, observable.

How can someone know if art is worthy of display?
All beauty needs an audience.
Beauty in solitude, is wasted potential.
All beauty, needs, an audience.
How else can you differentiate average, from a masterpiece?

I want to be a masterpiece.
Perfect for every eye.

My eyes see perfect too.
In 1/4, in a 1/2, in a 1800.
In the symmetry of the X, and the curve of the S.
I am eXtra Small.
I am a 53.

Numbers are simple, precise and perfect.
They aren't beautiful, they simply are.
Beauty is abstract, it's grey.
I don't like grey, it's uncertain, unsure.

Grey has room for error.
Grey can't be controlled.

I don't have room for error.
I can only control.

I want to be undeniable.

Perfection, over all else.
Sep 2021 · 118
My person
Jane Sep 2021
Forest green with hazel sun, I believe is how I described you once.

Chrysolite, is how I see your eyes, a gemstone.




I found a home in you, I told you once.

I now found a future too, still held in your arms.




My best friend, I called you once.

I find that still true, but now, you’re truly my partner too.




The concepts of soulmates is questionable, we talked about once.

But it is undeniable, the way our chemistry aligns, is short of perfect.





My love, I called you once.

That stands true, and I am still finding new ways to be in love with you.



What I’m saying is, I called you one of the greatest choices I made once.

I hope you know, that will never change.



I found a home, a future, a best friend, a partner, and a lover.

How lucky am I, to have managed to find that, all in one person.



So thank you, once again.
For being my person.
love is real, and all in one person
Jul 2020 · 189
Religion
Jane Jul 2020
Confess, I have to confess.

Who's on the other side of my confessional?

I've thought wrong, I could've thought another, why can't I control what I think?

Confess it, lay your sin.

If I confess my thought, I fear it'll make it real. It's harmless in my head, it's abstract.

But is it?

Look at who you've hurt, the person you love. But never you, why would you care about you?

You should be perfect. Be your best self.

When my best self is deconstructed, all I am is fear.

So confess it, lay your burdens on another.

Be selfish, lay your irrationality for someone else to detangle.

Your strength is fragile, trust me.

I know you,

I know all of you, your deepest fear, your subconscious.

Trust me, you're all that I am.

So confess, give in.

I'm your religion, I'm your truth.

The truth is,
you're not worth love.
the tip of the iceberg
Jul 2020 · 132
I can look, but I can't see
Jane Jul 2020
I look, yet I'm blind,

I hear, but I'm deafened.

The radio static in my head is ever so lasting, unfailing.

I can rely on my instability,
my inquisitiveness turned to doubt.

I'm in love, but I can't love.
Have I ever learned to love?

I've always been loved, adored.
When did love become uncomfortable?

I'm the happiest I could've been,
but I'm blind to everything.

My strength is fragile,
I can't live like this.

I can't live when it's me who turns every drop of golden sunshine,
into tar.

Why can't I be happy?
Where are my screws loose?

Have I always been like this?
It can't be love that brought this out.

Something so pure, could not bring this out.

What is it like?
To not lead life with fear, paranoia and panic.

What is it like?
To wake up without sweat, a pounding heart, with a crowded head.

What is it like?
To love another, and oneself at the same time.

What is it like?
To not be me, to not live in constant torment.
Anxiety is the toxic friend you have.
Jane Feb 2020
Forest green, with the hazel sun, I analyse your eyes

"What are you thinking?"

Just how exactly have you changed my norm?

Is it how you make me feel at home, belonging?

Is it how you make me feel in love, yearning?

Is it how you make feel at ease, calming?

The existence of you is perplexing

How can you be so caring?
How can you be so tender?
How can you be so forgiving?
How can you be so thoughtful?

How can you know me so well?

I've built walls, you re-constructed them.
I've been silent, you've read my mind.

Sleeping, is something I’ve preferred alone,
you overcame the comfort of my solitude

You and I are a perfect balance
the pragmatic and the intuitive
the diligent and the ardent

The weight of what I feel for you has it's gravity,
There are times when I say
I love you
I tear up

I'm afraid to think anything bad of you,
Because you bring out everything good in me.

You don't change me, you evolve me
I was so worried I'd make a mistake,
I was blinded to the greatest choice I made.

You,
Thank you,
For You.

My love, My home, My Best Friend

I love you
Mar 2019 · 161
Better Suited for the Sun
Jane Mar 2019
The dusty line between my reality and my dreams.

Deep dark blue abyss

Tranquil and terrifying.

Soulful wish of draining my feelings.

Muddy waters filled with confusion, holding hands with shame.


Floating in the grey zone where,
The idea of death makes me long for life,
and the thought of life makes me find comfort in death.


I desire to become a wave.
Part of a whole in the ocean,
curling to the shore and disappearing.

I scare myself with a thought,
the sleep from which I know I can't wake up from,
will be my best one yet.

I fantasise of the day where I can close my eyes,
and let them remain so.
The comfort of knowing I don't have to experience life as, I.

The bright yellow of the sun no longer makes me joyful,

Selfish, I'm selfish.

The sun should not be showing it self to someone like me.


The shine should not be upon my room.
Someone out there is better suited for the sun.
To live every moment, without imagining another one, to damage it.

I wish to exist, only not as me.

I draw my curtains, reject it's warmth.
I don't deserve it.
Jan 2019 · 1.3k
I Talked to Death Today
Jane Jan 2019
I looked outside, the sun is shining where it hasn't for days.
I looked inside, it's been caliginous for months.

The smoke over my tea seems foreign,
My gazes are empty,
My flesh feels hardened.

My thoughts don't haunt me anymore,
we live together, a familiar routine.

It's an odd place to be in,
when you're acquiescent for Departure,
but wary of the destination.

Death will grace us all in a given day,
how to act as a catalyst,
I wondered,
simply, keep your door inviting.

As I sat with a blizzard inside,
a deep sunken calm emerged within.

I asked, "who is it?"
"your solace", it answered.

I asked again, confused, "who is it?"
"your tranquil", it answered.

I asked once again, unsure, "who is it?"
"your Departure", it answered. I smiled.

"What kept you so long?", I asked,
"you have. May I stay?", it asked me.

"You've never left. A perpetual guest is always welcome." I answered.

The sound of violins overcame me,
an odd, fitting melody.
only dreaming
Dec 2018 · 1.6k
Laughing at the Sky
Jane Dec 2018
Dust, in the air
unseen impurity.

The spectrum of humanity, good and bad.
Black and white.

Being submerged in the black feels unnatural, unlike me.

I'm calling on my star for something unattainable,
unused,
pushed under the carpet.

It's presence sparkled when I saw a child laughing at the sky.  

Innocence.

To wear blue, and feel serene,
To wear yellow, and feel joy,
To wear pink, and feel love,
To wear purple, and feel life.

I used to wear Innocence.

I dress differently now,

I wear emerald green, and feel anxious,
I wear a cloudy grey, and feel impersonal.
I wear stained white, and feel everything
I wear only black, and feel nothing.

I wear sin now.

I'm all the things I once wished upon a star not to be.
Apr 2018 · 54
Not Light, but Art
Jane Apr 2018
I'm not your light,
I'm not your sunshine.

I am art.
Imperfect, rash, sentimental.

You will see all of me at once,
I can't be your light, I consist of all the colors.

I won't always make you happy, but I will always make you feel.

I will love just a little too much,
I will expand your horizons,
I will challenge your spectrum,
I will push your boundaries,


Don't look at me for too long, I'll become abstract.

Stay further, I look best that way.
Jane Apr 2018
April 15, 2018. 11.11am - "Make a wish!"

"Did you make one?"

         I did, I wished for the impossible with all the might of my heart.

"Yep, I did."

         If only you knew, I wish for this with every beat of my heart on
         the daily.

"What is it?"

         I wished for everyday to be like this, I wished to wake up next to
         you, I wished to stay with you.

"I can't tell you, then it won't come true."

         We were meant to say goodbye from the beginning,
         The universe brought you to me, only to leave me attached
         and longing, knowing you'll have to be ripped out my life.
        
I ask myself sometimes, why did I let this happen?

Then I look at our hands, our present, intertwined, even if momentarily, I understand.

To be able to love, to be able to miss, to feel this kind of pain, to go through scrolls of memories with you, to understand depths of myself that were once shallows.

Our paths were always carved into two,

I can only wish,

our paths can come become one again.

Through all the kisses and tears, I'll be yours.

Always.
It feels that I've been in stages and phases of preparation. Preparing myself to say goodbye to you, the acceptance of that hurts. Maybe we weren't meant to say goodbye, maybe we were meant for a hello in the future, in a different time.
Dec 2017 · 2.0k
Flames and Frost
Jane Dec 2017
I am both flames and snowflakes.


I'll explode into sparks then I'll calm down like the falling snow.  

I will challenge your comfort zone, but I'll fight to stay in mine.  

I will feel fire in my heart when I am passionate or angry,

I will feel a blizzard when I am curious or afraid.

I will always rise, even if I fall.

I will roar louder than the mighty lion or slither quieter than the sly snake.

I will forgive without thought, or I will wear revenge with grace.

I will become completely attached to you, or leave without thought.

I will tear my barriers apart or build garden gates.

I will be bold, or I will never speak.

I will authentically be myself, or what I need to become.



I am simple, I depend on you.
We're all constructed within a spectrum of opposites. Stay out of the extremes, explore the black and white, but do not remain in them. Know yourself and your limits, but learn them, you are your greatest teacher. Either build you up, or become your destruction.
Oct 2017 · 417
Windows to the Soul
Jane Oct 2017
Again?
She's there again.

I color my insides green with jealousy.
My outside is fairytale pink.

Watch my recklessness.
See my body, naked.
Laugh at my jokes.
Peek at my past.

But god forbid,
you look into my eyes.

For my recklessness is always calculated,
For my body is not my vulnerability,
For my jokes are merely masks,
For my past is my present,

please, look into my eyes.
Oct 2017 · 364
Embodiment
Jane Oct 2017
They go hand in hand, best friends,
Blood red maroon, mixed with pastel black.

Cotton candy pink and golden skin.

With each pounding beat of my heart, I feel as they'll burst out laughing.

Buried alive underneath my skin.

Hand in hand, they'll take over.

What happens then?

What happens when I loose my skin?

Paranoid and jealous.

Vengeance appeals to be just.

I am an embodiment of my fears.
Oct 2017 · 427
The Feet Learn to Fly
Jane Oct 2017
A river frozen deep, a blanket of smooth ice.
Wide and forever in all directions.

I skate.

Wind whispering through the strands of my hair,
a sweet conversation.

Gliding,

I draw with the blades of my skates,
My skirt is flattered by the wind, how flirtatious.

Flying,

My feet begin to confuse the ice for air and start to float.

Free.

I feel the warmth of ice.
Sep 2017 · 384
Fabrication
Jane Sep 2017
Weave it in,
who do you want to be today?

Freedom is deadly, in relation to one's identity.

Take a fabric, the color blue.
Wear it like the ocean is glue.
You were melancholy yesterday.

Take a fabric, the color red.
Wear it like the wildfire.
You will be spiteful today.

Take a fabric, the color green.
Wear it as if you were bred by greed.
You will be jealous tomorrow.

When will you run out of fabric and show your transparency?
Sep 2017 · 355
Gemini
Jane Sep 2017
My father said, I was meant to have a sister.

Perhaps, the darkness she was meant to have I absorbed.

Surrounded by affection,
infatuated with popularity,
never have been disliked by anyone.

That's me.

constantly jealous,
caved in with paranoia,
never fully understood myself.

That is ,also, me.

Is there any purity left in a heart that craves vengeance?
Sep 2017 · 260
Poetry
Jane Sep 2017
Poetry is the unofficial language of the human heart,

the human heart is a creation of the universe,

Poetry is the ultimate reflection of what the universe created.
Sep 2017 · 689
Ocean and Mountain
Jane Sep 2017
You should've left me where you found me.

"Why do you love mountains?"
"They're steady and predictable."

I'm yours, now.

"Why do you love the ocean?"
"It's unsteady and unpredictable."

You built a mountain in my heart.

I arose oceans in your spirit.
Aug 2017 · 362
Masks
Jane Aug 2017
We're all actors.
Lying is at the core of it.

Lying to mask the extremes of our emotional spectrum.
                   A mask can be whatever it is you chose.
The comedian? The artist? The leader?
                   You can be whatever it is you choose.  

"Be yourself."
My question is, which one?
Jul 2017 · 638
Pray for the Brave
Jane Jul 2017
A stubborn heart,
Fearless soul
A curious mind.

I once dared to be brave,
I did not dive off of a cliff.
I did not sail into the wild sea,
I did let myself feel.

I let my emotions take full control of me,
No denial
No repression
Full control.

It gave me freedom to explore seas of my own,
let me sail into experiences with no expectations.
It gave me limitless bravery, as I let myself feel to the fullest.

Letting go of all restrain meant I began each venture with a blank canvas.
Letting my feelings paint as I threw myself into what was presented to me,
It would’ve seemed each canvas was painted by a different artist.

A whole world of my own and all in my head.  
I go there sometimes.
I go to explore, I go there when I’m scared of what I can’t understand.

I withdraw into that world when the physical one confuses me.
I go there when I try to understand the world in the head of who I love.
I probably infer too much, think for others too much
I can’t help it.
I can’t help but liberate the curiosity of anticipating the ending.
I can't help but feel the the universe is trying to understand itself.

I’m loud, quiet
I’m bold, subtle
I’m loving, selfish
I’m confident, vulnerable
I’m detached, attached  
I’m honest, insincere
I’m outgoing, shy.

That’s just the beginning. so I ask you to pray for the brave.
Pray because we throw of ourselves into anything we believe we can grasp,
Pray because we won’t ever give up on what we love,
Pray because we will feel the whole emotional spectrum ,
Pray because we won’t do it ourselves.

— The End —