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Jane Jan 19
I looked outside, the sun is shining where it hasn't for days.
I looked inside, it's been caliginous for months.

The smoke over my tea seems foreign,
My gazes are empty,
My flesh feels hardened.

My thoughts don't haunt me anymore,
we live together, a familiar routine.

It's an odd place to be in,
when you're acquiescent for Departure,
but wary of the destination.

Death will grace us all in a given day,
how to act as a catalyst,
I wondered,
simply, keep your door inviting.

As I sat with a blizzard inside,
a deep sunken calm emerged within.

I asked, "who is it?"
"your solace", it answered.

I asked again, confused, "who is it?"
"your tranquil", it answered.

I asked once again, unsure, "who is it?"
"your Departure", it answered. I smiled.

"What kept you so long?", I asked,
"you have. May I stay?", it asked me.

"You've never left. A perpetual guest is always welcome." I answered.

The sound of violins overcame me,
an odd, fitting melody.
only dreaming
Jane Dec 2018
Dust, in the air
unseen impurity.

The spectrum of humanity, good and bad.
Black and white.

Being submerged in the black feels unnatural, unlike me.

I'm calling on my star for something unattainable,
unused,
pushed under the carpet.

It's presence sparkled when I saw a child laughing at the sky.  

Innocence.

To wear blue, and feel serene,
To wear yellow, and feel joy,
To wear pink, and feel love,
To wear purple, and feel life.

I used to wear Innocence.

I dress differently now,

I wear emerald green, and feel anxious,
I wear a cloudy grey, and feel impersonal.
I wear stained white, and feel everything
I wear only black, and feel nothing.

I wear sin now.

I'm all the things I once wished upon a star not to be.
Jane Apr 2018
April 15, 2018. 11.11am - "Make a wish!"

"Did you make one?"

         I did, I wished for the impossible with all the might of my heart.

"Yep, I did."

         If only you knew, I wish for this with every beat of my heart on
         the daily.

"What is it?"

         I wished for everyday to be like this, I wished to wake up next to
         you, I wished to stay with you.

"I can't tell you, then it won't come true."

         We were meant to say goodbye from the beginning,
         The universe brought you to me, only to leave me attached
         and longing, knowing you'll have to be ripped out my life.
        
I ask myself sometimes, why did I let this happen?

Then I look at our hands, our present, intertwined, even if momentarily, I understand.

To be able to love, to be able to miss, to feel this kind of pain, to go through scrolls of memories with you, to understand depths of myself that were once shallows.

Our paths were always carved into two,

I can only wish,

our paths can come become one again.

Through all the kisses and tears, I'll be yours.

Always.
It feels that I've been in stages and phases of preparation. Preparing myself to say goodbye to you, the acceptance of that hurts. Maybe we weren't meant to say goodbye, maybe we were meant for a hello in the future, in a different time.
Jane Dec 2017
I am both flames and snowflakes.


I'll explode into sparks then I'll calm down like the falling snow.  

I will challenge your comfort zone, but I'll fight to stay in mine.  

I will feel fire in my heart when I am passionate or angry,

I will feel a blizzard when I am curious or afraid.

I will always rise, even if I fall.

I will roar louder than the mighty lion or slither quieter than the sly snake.

I will forgive without thought, or I will wear revenge with grace.

I will become completely attached to you, or leave without thought.

I will tear my barriers apart or build garden gates.

I will be bold, or I will never speak.

I will authentically be myself, or what I need to become.



I am simple, I depend on you.
We're all constructed within a spectrum of opposites. Stay out of the extremes, explore the black and white, but do not remain in them. Know yourself and your limits, but learn them, you are your greatest teacher. Either build you up, or become your destruction.
Jane Oct 2017
Again?
She's there again.

I color my insides green with jealousy.
My outside is fairytale pink.

Watch my recklessness.
See my body, naked.
Laugh at my jokes.
Peek at my past.

But god forbid,
you look into my eyes.

For my recklessness is always calculated,
For my body is not my vulnerability,
For my jokes are merely masks,
For my past is my present,

please, look into my eyes.
Jane Oct 2017
They go hand in hand, best friends,
Blood red maroon, mixed with pastel black.

Cotton candy pink and golden skin.

With each pounding beat of my heart, I feel as they'll burst out laughing.

Buried alive underneath my skin.

Hand in hand, they'll take over.

What happens then?

What happens when I loose my skin?

Paranoid and jealous.

Vengeance appeals to be just.

I am an embodiment of my fears.
Jane Oct 2017
A river frozen deep, a blanket of smooth ice.
Wide and forever in all directions.

I skate.

Wind whispering through the strands of my hair,
a sweet conversation.

Gliding,

I draw with the blades of my skates,
My skirt is flattered by the wind, how flirtatious.

Flying,

My feet begin to confuse the ice for air and start to float.

Free.

I feel the warmth of ice.
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