its lovely to have you around and dance in your light or sink in your darkness but the stars hide in the morning and they take the moon with them so I cannot be seen in your day only wishing from a far.

do you understand or will you cut the roses thinking of death only to find they just needed some water?

I miss you.

your words still stain my memory
I hope it forever does.
all I have of you are in my memories
even if that may be the only place they can rest
I still have you,
even when they all said to let go
I'll always love you.
forever and ever. 01-23-21

I feel as if i'm walking in someone else's body
watching as life plays threw my eyes like a movie

I feel as if i'm taking in someone else's breaths
not being able to control the thoughts that dance in my mind

I feel as if im in someone else's body
not being able to control anything around me
watching as this life unfolds
feeling these feeling that dont feel like my own

being patient and waiting
for the day this body will be me
and this life will be mine

I'm not alone.

I have my thoughts to keep me occupied.
In my mind i'm still in your arms,
I can hear your words as you speak to me.

I'm not alone.

Although it may feel like that all the time.
I still have you in my mind.
Even though the hole hasn't filled sense your gone.

I'm not alone.

I was the one who wanted this.
It was my choice from the begging.
So why?
Why do I feel so lost inside?
Why does it hurt to think of my decision?
I regret my choices,
I shoulda listened.

I shoulda listened
When the voices of my heart whispered to me
The saddest tunes.
And when my mind broke into several pieces,
I shoulda listened.

I'm not alone.
Even tho I have no one beside me anymore.
I'm not alone.
I just have that lonely feeling.
I'm not alone.
I have my thoughts to keep me company.

And when my tears wake me from my daydream,
You're nowhere to be found.
It was my decision.
I regret that decision.
Because without you,

I'm alone.

is what saves me from


                                        


                me.

shut off the thoughts
forget the feelings
ignore the hurt

be better

I drown in her

Im supposed to be happy


so why aren't I?

I've been wondering a lot lately
I have yet to figure out what for

the views are lovely
as I walk on this road
making stops on the way
to an unknown place

I'm on an unknown journey
I wonder where it'll take me

yet you stayed awake with me
I wish to know the feeling of your warmth
or to hear your voice
I want to make you smile
or comfort you when you cry
I wish to know how your hand will feel when holding mine
or to laugh with you in the sun
I want to take in your fragrance
or to admire every detail of you

we're miles apart but it feels like your right here
I miss you
When we meet, I promise to love and adore you
I'll give you all my love
and admire everything about you
add it to a list
so when we're miles apart
I can tell you what I love about you each day

your too cute for me
maybe even too cute for this ugly society

if I take your hand
will you let me hold it?

if I kiss your lips
will you kiss mine back?

when sadness calls me
will you lend me your smile?

sometimes I think your to sweet
other times your just too cute

cant breath
its happening again
the ocean goes hightide
my body refuses to move
I sink into oblivion
my tears become
one with the ocean cries

cant breath
the stars take me into the night
lost in the darkness
frozen in space
my tears refuse to leave my eyes
they freeze in the night

unwanted memories rush in

this feeling is suffocating

I dreamt of you last night
the bitterness of seeing you again stung
like salt to an opened wound
I was exposed
my truest colors being one with the wind
your truest smile still fresh in my memory

In this nightmare
you still loved me
as I loved you
it scared me
the feeling of having my best friend back

In the beginning
I thought it was real
then realization kicked in
It was merely relived memories
I still miss you sometimes

When I awoken
tears still fresh from emotion
laid upon my face
the melancholy taste still stung my heart
I wanna forget about you again
it hurts to remember
how much you mean to me

I cant help but wonder
if the ghost of our happiness
haunts you too

I continue to drown
and fall
but for a moment
I freeze, stuck in the atmosphere

Today is the day I was born

not a special day, not for me
so happy birthday to my twin

Happy Birthday Felix.

you never did

you just assume

your fake

you pretend

liar.

you don't get it
and you never will

It was clear
but my vision was blurred
it was right in front of me
but to blind to see
was my eyes in the night
when the sun goes down

the moon was my light
but the moon wasn't in sight
not that night

everyone knows the truth
monsters only come to play
when the sun goes down

tears fall
hearts break
smiles fade
people change
when the sun goes down

I never once made you happy
not once
you smile of pity and not pride
proud is something you'll never feel for me
I tried, you know
tried to be what you wanted
but trying isn't enough is it?
I never made you proud
seems to me like I'm a disappointment no matter where I go
its hard smiling all the time
hoping you'll give me a real smile back
its harder pretending everything is fine
the weight of the world cant compare to the weight of this
its heavy and cold
my heart is tired
shall it rest here for a little?
I never once wanted or asked to be this way
I never asked to hurt or to be hurt
I never asked for pain
but with love comes pain I suppose

its been a while. I know.
new year but same old nightmares.
I'm still afraid,
fragile,
and alone.
my demons still follow me.
2020 ended but my depression did not.
this can be a new start.
although that may be true,
I'm not made new.
deep down I'm the same person
weather I "change" or not
to me, I'm the same as I've ever been.
I'm still fighting,
still scared,
still so very very alone.
this year can be different,
and so can I.
fake it till you make it I suppose.
2020 is over.
hello 2021.

It gave false hope and hidden nightmares within its rays
It gave only lies threw the clouds and left the moon with the sad aftertaste or the truth
The trees knew the truth yet they smiled back
The birds still sang their songs even when the sun didn't sing it back
When did the world prefer a lie?
When did the moon hold so much sadness even in its most peaceful times?
When did the sun deceive the dreamer?
It was when the clouds begged for warmth,
when they couldn't handle winters truth.

She was beautiful
Her dance moved the clouds and shined threw the trees of tomorrows darkness
She was bright and smiled in ways angles couldn't sing, even the moon sat beautifully in her sky
She was the sun and I just a dreamer under her light
She made the coldness of winters sadness leave even for a little while She made it more beautiful then the first shed of leaves in falls embrace
Her light took whatever darkness laying in my mind and turned it into the most loveliest of memories, dreams, and wishes.

its hard to fight this inner storm
the hurricane of emotions
its hard to forget it all and yet I still try
she was taken from me
but my love for her never left
the memories of her haunt me from time to time
I had her once and lost her twice
and now they all expect me to lose her again
she wants to come back but should I let her in?
its not her fault it hurts to hear her voice or to see her smile
she was just a kid
do I allow myself to open up
even with the chance of me braking again?
would it really be worth the fight just to see her again?
my heart hurts and my mind is conflicted
question is: am I ready for her again?
or will my broken heart pollute her joyous life
will my depression spread to her happiness like a virus
will I break her like they broke me?

I've never felt it so strongly till now
I'm envious of her
I don't understand why I feel this way
I don't understand feelings much
I typically block them out
is this normal?
why does it hurt to know that she fell for you?
I never cared before
so why now?
why does it hurt to know I might lose you?
I never cared before
why am I so jealous of someone I don't know much about.

I was thought to be in love once
perhaps the thought was true
the only thing that I knew is the piece of a heart he stole
perhaps he hid it to control it from time to time
to control my heart and the butterflies in my stomach
I was thought to be over this love
perhaps the thought was false
when hes around I try to **** the butterflies with the pain of memories
before they can grow to fast to fight
but when he gives me a look its hard not to feel
I was thought to be over this love
perhaps it was true
the hurt that comes back is the blade I use to exterminate the butterflies
I thought I lost my heart
perhaps its true
my body couldn't function for sometime
perhaps I found someone new
but even though he makes me happy
and hes perfect in every way
he wont love me
and perhaps I wont love him like I loved you
the thing I know is that my heart is confused

I wished for happiness once
I wished for the truth
for love
and for freedom
and I've sang the songs of sadness to the stars
and yelled the words of anger to the sun
and shed my tears with the moon
they kept my secrets, my prayers, my life story
and they kept my wishes
they told me I could have them come true
another time

I'm beginning to finally shed the feather patches on my wings
Those of which only taunt me and my dreams to fly
Those of which hurt to look at
The kind of hurt that drowns your heart and causes it to sink
The kind of hurt that make the shadows of the night dance with glee
I'm beginning to feel more and more free
I'm shedding my feather patches
Then soon my broken wings will heal, my wings will grow new feathers
And I will let my feathers snow the creatures below
They will see with every feather that falls freedom, true freedom.

For not filling my soul with your lies
For finding the key and unlocking some of the chains that bind me
For sharing your warmth with me in this cold world
For your joy that shined the path to find my truest smile
For shielding me from the arrows and blades with you kindness
For healing some of my bruises with you laugh
And for showing a bird how to finally fly, even with broken wings.

your smile
your laugh
your hugs
your voice
I remember
our jokes
our time
our moments
and I miss them so much
I miss you

butterflies storm around me as i try to shoo them away
embarrassed and hoped you didn't see them trying to go your way
its been a while since we've talked.
but these feelings haven't left
they all came back, these unchanged feeling. all when i seen-
you again

and yet i'm still alone.

she's as beautiful as day and as mysterious as night
her feelings change as does her leaves during fall
the changing colors and emotions
a great oak tree now feeling cold by winters embrace with no colorful leaves but instead branches that show her majestic story of pain, sorrow, and love
she's a worrier, a soldier in this battle of life
and then when the war of society and sin is over in spring she dances and rejoices with the winds and rain and sings the song of new begging that yet to come
then finally she joins the sun and the clouds
sharing her life with others during the days of summer
she's a home for creatures big and small
shes a shield of protection
a mother caring for her child
a bride preparing for her wedding day

me to the happiest of places and steals my smile
she comes on birthdays and holidays
she comes on regular days
I say i'm alone but sadness is there
she's the only thing that hasn't left
she's stubborn
and strong
loneliness is sadness brother and stays the nights and days
he's there when i'm in a crowd full of others
he's there at parties
and at family gatherings
he's there even during the happiest of times
depression is their mother and leads her ducklings to my heart
where they rest and live there days and nights
sadness fallows, and her family joins.

hi hi its my birthdayyyyyy

thoughts rush
adrenaline kicks
heart beats
heart sinks
            down
                   down
                          down
       until your stuck in the thoughts that couldn't be
why mother?
          why leave me?
I though I was your doll.
I though I was your happiness.
instead i'm trapped.
stuck.
no where left to go.
what do I do with life now.
what do I do with no love,
no hope.

everyone leaves.
everyone lies.
everyone hurts.
everyone dislikes.
everyone loves.
but no one loves me like you do.
everyone lies to me but you speak the truth.
everyone hurts but you heal the deepest bruise.
everyone dislikes me, everyone but you.
everyone leaves, everyone but you.
so I'll hate, hurt, dislike, leave, and lie to anyone else.
anyone else but you.
and I'll love nobody else but you.

I already know you will.

I never wanted you to stay anyway.

I enjoy the sleepless nights and breathless days.

so just leave already.

before you stay and hurt me more making me care for you.

I'll just say to myself that I don't need you.

now I lay my head to sleep
and try to count the sheep
but in my mind I scream and fight
battles and wars keep me occupied
the truth hurts but at least its not a lie
you keep me from being free when you lie to me
you add another chain to the ground and keep me from spreading my wings
you cut my hope into pieces and let it die
you bruise my body and watch me cry
you leave me to die with every lie
why not free me from this world of lies with the truth
why chain me to this prison of dying hope and dying dreams
preventing me from souring free.

in a corner
under the bed
asking questions about the dead
how to brake something fix
and how to fix something broke.
in a corner
in a room
with nothing else left to do
wondering thought wounder away
when will the day be that you'll go away
when will that corner expand
to a new land far away
until then
brake whats fixed
and fix whats broke
until that corner turns to another ghost
or what use to be.

I don't want to be trapped any longer
will I ever be freed from this cage?
will I fly with the heavenly skies?
or will I fall into the dark abyss that waits for me below?
emotions as still as cloud now turn into blades
cutting my wings making me plummet down
to the unwanted list of abandoned children
unable to be better
unable to breath
unable to see or hear
unable to fly once more
will another come to save us or will the blades cut their wings
the angeles are afraid to fall
and so they leave us, the children of abandonment to be stuck
on the unwanted list.

Unable to breath.
Drowning in thoughts, lies, and life itself.
Unable to escape.

I'm a victim of words
I'm a victim of hate
all theses lairs speak the same
telling me they love me
saying they'll stay
saying they'll never go away

I'm a victim of words
I'm a victim of hate
all theses lairs speak the same
telling me their love is different
telling me their love ain't the same
then playing me like a game
their words be playing with my mind
telling me all the time
one minute you love me the next you change
telling me you hate me
saying you don't want me

why don't you still want me

by my side
let me hold on to you tight
let love take us away
to a far away land away from all the pain
let me squeeze you tight and remind you that you are loved
let our heart beat to the same rhythm and our minds sing the same song
stay with me for moments longer
and I shall stay with you
because this feeling of love is all so new
but the pain that stays when you go away is all to friendly
all to familiar in its own kind of way
so please just stay
and don't go away

run
run
run away
for you are just another prey
run
run
run away
lives are lost and found all day
run
run
runaway
for the animals come out to play

beauty
     light
        shining bright
                worlds collide
                         love fills the inside
          in the fields of darkness where nightmares play
                          flowers grow there everyday
                                        from darkness grows a light
                                                  brightly shining in the night
                                                   as if a star was born on the grown
                                                                flowers grow in town to town

something so filled with love and light
terns into the night
dark and hallow
you just stare at the stars waiting for one to shoot you a wish
you stare blankly at me no emotion
emptiness covers your eyes and mouth keeping you
unable to breath, unable to see, unable to speak
the saddest truth is you let it take control
you lost the battle because to you, there never was one
there was never a fight because you gave up in the vary beginning
and now you stare blankly into the night hoping one day a star will shoot you a wish
no star will come, no day will shine, no moon will glow for someone who couldn't even fight for it and now you sit blankly and stare hoping they will fight for you....