I've got a problem.
A habit, really.
Of freaking out over my reality.

I wake up one morning.
Not feeling so great.
My stomach's in a knot and my heart palpitates.

I scream. I cry.
My whole world's in a wry.
Looking for answers on the internet.


But then.
Something happens.
He takes me outside.

And everything's not as bad as I thought it was.
Not bad at all.

When he speaks,
sometimes I hold my breath
like I hold his hands.

Drowning above water,
caught in the riptide of
Lust and Language,
seems like such a foreign concept.

At least it was before I met him.

I can feel my heart
as it palpitates
and the arteries
that throb just
below my skull...

They silently beg me to
let go of what his words
do - the pressure they place
on my lungs.

Winded like prey
who has just flown
from the ravenous predator.

I feel torn apart
more often than saved.

And right now, I ******* hate metaphors.

Who knew it was possible
to anticipate
that the way you may die
would actually be
the only way you ever lived?

Always caught up in
someone else's words.

Listen to thy heart, my dear!
Heed what it says !
Listen to it despite the din and the noise.
Listen to it even if sometimes it may make you lose your poise.
Listen to it when it cries out loud and clear.
Listen to it when it palpitates in fear.
Listen to it when it wants to dare and enjoy.
Listen to it when it wants to just play coy.
Listen to it to get a clue and to find who you are.
Listen to it to get closer to dreams that seem so afar.
Listen to thy heart, my dear!
Heed what it says!

I write too often while thinking of you

It's late, everyone's asleep and my confidence is beginning to bate,
it feels like I've been awake for weeks straight, I can't extricate this state of distrait, everything is becoming harder to assimilate and I can barely differentiate reality from the reversed universe that my mind manipulates and creates,
My heart palpitates, my thoughts tumultuate and my lungs refuse to inflate under this weight as I begin to dissociate
What's great about my universe is that you can honestly relate,

Others understand in this mystic fantasy land,
There life isn't so bland, our existence was planned and best of all you and I roam hand in hand obeying your preferred god's demand,

There I'm not terrified that I will die with the afterlife unverified, the answers to my questions are clarified and my smile isn't forced or pried but instead a happiness that's justified,

There I have a perilous quest to distract me from the distress of the universe's careless emptiness, my feelings abide my behest and my mind doesn't remind me of my pointlessness,
Regardless I'd be happy nonetheless if I could leave all the rest just to retain your caress.

10-30-18

I'm disgusted with the skeleton that shows through my skin,
and my heart palpitates to a beat that I cannot trace,
I feel so weak and you stand so tall,
and I wonder if the roles were reversed,
if I could stand up as straight as you,
and if you would be able to keep yourself stitched together,
because I am always trapped in a state of frigid failure and I think
that I might be falling apart on the inside and out but
yet I never change and nothing ever happens
to make anyone notice tha-
I wonder if I will ever be whole because some days I cannot
even decide what to wear in the morning and I always,
always think about perception and things like that,
for example I accidentally dropped my earring down the sink
yesterday and I just started sobbing into the mirror and I wonder
what people thought about me,
like maybe I was having a mental
breakdown but then again,
perhaps that earring was a family heirloom that was worth
more money than a lawyer would ever make,
yet seeing yourself from the outside is different
than seeing your own reflection,
Jesus I never wanted to admit this but I think that I am dying
but I cannot stop myself from keeping the same habits and patterns
and the feeling never leaves anyway
and I always wondered how people had the time
to pray to a higher power
because I could never even wake up in
the morning without four alarms set just in case,
if Jesus decides to come down from chilling up on a cloud and talk
to a little person such as me,
I wonder if he would be able to see all the emotions
that I carry or if he would try to convert me to Christianity,
even though I was raised that way I always just felt lost
and I just could not wrap my head around self-sacrifice like that
until I met you and I realized that your life was most defiantly
worth at least ten of mine,
I'm frightened to think that one day I could end up all alone,
even though I'm pretty sure that I already am because
I push everyone away that does not understand the way that I feel.

My hands shake and tremble even when I am holding yours
and I'm sorry that you are trapped by someone like me.

pigeons perch themselves preening
on marble fauns ambivalent to their
perch, while dark skinned men prowl;
seeking tourists (Americans) to sell
cheap novelty items, over priced, yet
bought to drive away the insistent
merchants; ignorant to the realization:
if you remain silent and don’t make eye
contact you will not forfeit your money...
merchants who ruin the peace and awe
of grand feats of sculpture—I know they
are human (on a base level)—craving
money to make a living, yet there are
many (more respectable) professions…
their presence  crowds the already
crowded (streets and) piazzas—aggregates
of language babble—old women and men
meandering along waiting to die—hoping
it is true: the slower you move the faster
time flows—if not: to hell with relativity!
(should have put chips on more than one table)
can math really explain all?—or
is life more than abstract objects?
while the din of crowds palpitates my heart
making way for anxious calculations,
C— and I hurry pass to find some area
to give the artefacts the respect they deserve

my heart palpitates
and my head hammers
and I can't feel a thing
when my toes
(ice cold and stiff leads)
curl for comfort
but grasp thin air
in the worn flannel sheets

winter is here
and the sun is still there
but it will no doubt hide away
like the coward it is
and make way
for the
ever-sprinkling
rain

The mind rushes
To analyze
What future looms
I bide my time.
As I await.

The body tremors
Inside and out
Fatigued, it yells
The pain, it shouts.
As I await.

The eye stabs
Vision blurry
Migraines laugh
To watch me worry.
As I await.

The muscles dance
To tunes unknown
Lightning strikes
The weary bone.
As I await.

Memory fails
Words escape
The mind still fights
As I await.
As I await.

Heart palpitates
Stress enhances
Emotions calm
To steer advances.
As I await.

It fights to win
But all in vain
Corrupt the body
My soul remains.
As I await.

Love still lingers
Intentions pure
No anger lives
No pity here.
As I await.

Disease roars strong
Yet, I prevail
Love supersedes
This crumbling shell.
As I await.

Symptoms linger
Rise and fall
No sense to madness
Inside this wall.
As I await.

Stare in question
Distance fear
This child of God
Protected here.
As I await.

My blessings soar
Above the trial
Diagnosis looms
But still I smile.
*As I await.

Bleeding world content with wounding still
Dying casualty
Catalyst of the apocalypse
Clammy hands
Static pins & needles
Ethereal, acid skin
Shivering sweats
Ever-corporeal mind
Expanding skull
Temple pressure
Tightening screws
Mechanical Frankenstein
Peripheral vision loss
Drunken babble sober talk
Mouse voice
Flat tongue
Mini seizure coming on
Clock winds and winds
Pain still resides
Cigarette blood
The gift that keeps giving
And I'm burnt out
Machine breaking down
Little by little
Another ***** dies
Mental disease
Physical need-
All the same
No sense left
Life with no taste
Words can't express
This is the only place where
Sadness can be heard in its most bitterest pitch
Heart palpitates
On another spoken word
What's the message?
How can I string them together?
Twisted Mandela on the ceiling
Don't let it be the last thing I see
Miss the days of bended knee
Believing words transcribed to holy holy
Brain graffiti, mind confetti
Panic, panic
Delirium
Attack, attack
Merry go round & round

I am very unwell
My body wretches
Heart palpitates &
I am very unwell
A sickly soul within
Darkness got a hold
Won't let me go &
I am very unwell
My skin creeps
My bones creak
My voice croaks &
I am very unwell

You hold my hand at a distance by grasping my wrist in two fists
and I swing my arm with determination, to swat the fly
that circles beneath your pupils
but it dips and swerves and palpitates in anticipation,
causing you to blink--
I wish your eyes stayed open
“slowly”
you said
“slowly”
I laughed and gave up
then sleep overtook me
and whatfor? a brief intermission
I was only really scratching an itch
for you.

Emotions are pure.
Intentions are true.

As eyes wander,
my heart flutters.

Can you not feel?
Can you not see?

My heart still palpitates,
soul still anticipates.

But feelings are already far
and I am now barred.

For you are with another
and mine no longer.

Pupils dilate
Heart palpitates
As my skin grazes yours
Stomach flutters
With every word you utter
As you come walking through my door
Intentions pure
Both of us floored
Your eyes sincere
With a body so revered
Thoughts so adulterated
Lustful and Saturated
Lips quivering
Goosebumps shivering
As I meticulously trace the lines
Of your collar bone, so divine
Devotion to this desire
Impatient indulgence feeding the fire
Framework consumed
By the pull of the moon
Madly muttering
High pitched stuttering
Hymns of fervor
Neighbors confuse with ****** ******
Raising my hand to your mouth
As I progress further down south
Learning your secrets
You tell me no lies
Never want to leave this
Echo of space and time
Pouring every ounce of my soul
Into watching you unfold
Blossoming effortlessly
Before my very eyes
I become hypnotized
Synchronized
Intoxicated by your scent
Following through with every intent
Injecting your body with no need to repent
Yielding to my advances
Here’s to second chances
This is our moment
So we might as well own it
Bet the bank on each other
Discovering my soulmate
My best friend
My lover

If all my life was perfect,
and all right with the world.
My pen would suffer from disuse.
My parchment not unfurled.
For what fool indeed
would waste his time
scribbling down lines
When Dame Love beckons to the feast
and all the world was mine.

No, irritation is my muse
and I her slaving churl
who palpitates a bit of grit
until it is
a
Pearl.

your sweet murmurings
tickle the evening,
look! the sky is blushing,
it's all red in the western horizon.

with your soft breath,
you make the atmosphere sweet,
hey, the honey bee is confused,
it comes round and round,
like an enamored lover!

with your sonorous snore,
the dreamy night
gets goosebumps,
fools call them stars
and gloat how they gleam!

have you ever thought,
what my love to you,
does to me every minute?
my heart palpitates
like i have an affliction
only love can cause,
and do away with.

*words never can express well,
how do i feel,
when you are away
and my eyes crave for you in sight.

In Greek mythology, the god of love, Cupid,
is the counterpart of Thanatos, the god of death.
You’re probably thinking, that’s an odd pair.
The Greeks were all about odd pairs.
Are you really surprised?
Because love is contentment and happiness.
Whereas death,
Well, no one really wants to talk about that.
But these obviously contradictory themes
Are more similar than we think.
One, At some point we’re gonna experience either.
Two, you don’t want to experience either on your own.
No one wants to die alone
Nor have unrequited love.
And three, the sensations of both are eerily similar.
Now I know why you take my breath away
And why my heart palpitates
whenever I see you;
The same sensations that someone gets
When they’re having a cardiac arrest.
Falling in love is like being on the precipice of death
Maybe that’s why they call it “falling” in love
Because when you fall from something,
You will splat on the ground,
With your insides out there for someone to see
And you’re wondering
if they like what they see.

the most gentle creature in the world and the most savage
those same lips that whisper sweet nothings, an entire body they ravish
doesn’t pull of when he says goodbye, he sits and waits
watching to ensure she makes it in the door safe
we’re passed the years of pulling out chairs , but he would
and hours later barely find time to make it with her upstairs
excites her
invites her
and of course stimulates
both the intellectual and the ******
in any moment with the gentleman her beating heart palpitates
from lust and wonder
from trust and fear
the gentleman provides security while simultaneously being a teddy bear
a calm roughness he possesses
both jagged and serene
the most gentle savage in the world
neither peace or chaos
like the eye of a hurricane he falls somewhere between

i have to live with this uncertainty
the constant thought of death sitting above my head,
dangling its feet in front of my eyes
i'm not really afraid of the death itself
but what i'll miss
and what would've come after
yet i also wish for this death
because it's fast and i would no longer suffer
my brain wouldn't torment me anymore
and my second vital ***** would be still
i wouldn't feel the bounce of my heart when it palpitates
or the feeling of a knife sliding in between my ribcage
but it's weird to think about how it could happen
any time, anywhere
and i wouldn't be able to control this
or say goodbye
or make the impact that i want to have on you

It’s thunderstorm country around here.
They roam the boiling, hot, southern skies
on legs of lightning, like dark, angry trolls.

My Chinese roommate is impressed with them
because as menacing and mountainous and electrical
as they seem, through the trees whip and the rain
lashes - like special effects - no real damage is done.

Love is like that, a circus briefly coming to town,
that scintillates, palpitates, irritates or validates
- a carney-call with the urgency of a sale.
“Run away and join the show,” it whispers.

Love is both less than it seems and more than it is.

You tormented me with your lies
Because every word is worth a life,
And every time you spit a knife,
I die a thousand times.
My ears rot every time I here your alibi;
Coming out from your predictable mind.

The way you make me devour,
Is the time I feel deceived.
I will bury our mem'ries forever,
Like how the way I grieved.

I forgot how to feel being loved back,
Maybe because I always get hurt.
I ask "from which part of myself did I lack?"
After all, I guess I'm blessed and cursed.
That's why we need to extract.

Fear of being unwanted anticipates
As they run through the veins.
My heart beats as it roughly palpitates
Maybe I should never love again.

I found myself immersed through the light I see beyond the hollow cave
I saw my imperfections first as the light brightens my eyes laid
Resting inside its comfort zone as my heart pounds
To realization of matters which I found it vague.

Even if it caves inside me like a hollow shell,
I still have these small series of serendipity that I can feel.

Our hearts were too desperate to be Healed by someone,
But we don't know that the key is Within us, and it's not with anyone.
To heal our own ways and to Reassemble the shards 
It's a kind of process of our healing Hearts.

first glance
penetrating blue
hostility
embodied
embroiled in inconsistency
irregular heartbeat
palpitates
facilitating fallacies
like ‘health’ and ‘well-being’
beings damaged goods are sold on clearance
shouldn’t the mentally ill be sold into slavery
eliminating national debt
by selling the sick to Chinese factories
sending those who drain our health care system
the **** outta the country –
broken records repeat 16 bar blues
supreme court embraces homosexuality and marijuana
while removing campaign donation limits
and the woman’s right to choose
maintaining balance
is often ugly for the masses
passing gasses for solar fuel
poisoning the producers
creating cancerous lesions
attempting to save the sky –
dangerous liaison as the corrupt
meet with the condemned
concentrating on collusion and coercion
of the community at large
so as to better control the carefree
bleeding calluses hold broken handles
handcuffed to the handrails
hanging on for dear life—
beaten seals stain beaches
furless
representing the future
freedom looks like death
sprinkled with red, white, and blue
candy
at least in my homeland –

Announce that you love me. At least to your best friends. I can’t bear to think that I’m not your trophy to be proud of. I can’t accept that my ray of light becomes dimmer day by day. I can’t stand the thought of sitting like a tomb in your soul, camouflaging with darkness that engulfs all sense of love. I can’t swallow the fact your face didn’t spark when you said I was your everything. I can’t comprehend when my existence in your world ain’t shimmer like a dewdrop catching the sun.

Announce that you love me. At least to your siblings. I don’t want to stay timid in the darkest compartment of your heart. I refuse to admit that you ignore me in four days — summer, autumn, winter and spring; three days — yesterday, today and tomorrow; two days — day and night; one day — everyday. I deny that you don’t feel immortal anymore when I linger around you. I oppose the idea of maybe your love to me is paperweight.

Announce that you love me. At least to your heart. Do my picture still be your favourite wallpaper? Do your heart palpitates everytime you hear my name?  Do my warm embrace puts an end to your insecurities? Do your mind still replays our memories of spending time together when sun came out, and we were miles away from anywhere? Do. I. Actually. Exist. In. Your. Universe?

I never doubt my love to you. It is you who should stop underappreciating me, and start loving again.

Center of earth,
                                            a cloud gasp
time was fainted.

Pupils attracts
bodies full of fear,
                                          wasp palpitates

                                          disturbing the calm
shivers changes sights,
legs are shaking

fingers hide desires,
hands draw letters
in water drops like kisses

stars are looking
chains are growing
                                           like arms in the ground.

The sequence idles for a bit then undulates
shall I leave or stay wait for you to collapse
on me like a ton of bricks or a roiling wave

My starvation for your presence and the increasing
loneliness I have, palpitates its manifestation
on tear stained pages and overwhelmingly cheesy tropes

that make it seem so unbelievable, how did all
of my life here and the past lead me to be writing
all of these sentences to deprecate all my life's choices~

I am an armada with holes in its hull
a meteor burning up in the mesosphere
the girl you met sort of once and forever marked you

I'm insane for launching headlong into loving you
Life is passion and I have to have it~
clear skies and gantries releasing my rockethead into space

I just wish settling down was not the only stigma
that prevented your engagement in the leap of faith
and direct contact was all you wanted for all these nights

I remember that first dose
From the gawky greeting to affecting adios
In the drunken darkness I prowled
Watching that boisterous dancing crowd
I thought you a goddess, a toothsome treat
And from the golden apple did I eat
Small bites
Became all nights
All nights blurred into days
It’s all kind of a haze
And now
I can’t take more of you
My receptors are bound by your molecules
Our relationship is a sigmoid curve
Your affinity to my nerve
An agonist, baby, is not what I need
To ween off this goddess dependency
I now just tolerate
I mean I just acclimate
But without you my heart palpitates
I am nauseous, I sweat, and I shake
An antagonist is what I seek
For I am far too weak
I mean without you I am nothing but lonely and depressed
In a dark alley needle obsessed

I get these recurring
scintillating
thoughts
about you
& my pulse explodes.

This heart of mine
palpitates,
envisioning
our wet holy pastimes,
genuine passions
unleashed.

I can feel your breath
on my twisting neck
& your magical gyrations
get the best out
of my wild imaginations.

This very moment
is so heavenly,
thinking about
being inside
of your own wanton-mind
takes me to the brink
of lust addiction.

You can fix me darling.

Too much shaking and rocking
Thrown about and filled with fright
Hallucinations talking
Flitting by throughout the night
Seeing things inside the eye
Filtered through a ***** grate
Too much fear kept deep inside
As my heart quickly palpitates