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Ayeshah Mar 2018
To any who'd reads,sees,watch,listen&run tell THIS: I'M at A Place IN MY LIFE WHERE I AIN'T CHANGING FOR U & NO one else. Ppl You don't change for anybody else and if you can't or WONT rock with how I am then don't ******* rock with me for anything else! Deal with me how I am not for what you "think& thought" you could change me into. I got kids grown *** and not so grown *** kids and grandkids babies, I got bills u don't pay & don't care nothing about.I got mental issues on top of some other ******* issues and some more ****; SO IF MY *** TRYING TO SHOW U IM A GO AND GROW WITH U & FIGHTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU & I'M IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU, WHILE HELPING yo *** CULTIVATE THIS ****- WE CALL FRIENDSHIP ROMANTIC OR PLATONIC ETC- then yo *** better not ever a day in yo life use me or try to run game on me! I'm going to love you regardless if YOURE RIGHT OR WRONG. IM A TELL U WHEN YA WRONG & yo u better tell me { NOT IN PUBLIC} EVEN THEN I GOT U BOO, BUT IF U KEEP UP THAT ******* AND IT AFFECTS ME OR MY KIDS AND all of OUR WAY OF LIVING OR hinders me from"MAKING A LIVING"; I will definitely DISASSOCIATE MYSELF FROM YO LIFE 100 %. EVERYONE knows me knows; I DON'T DO DRUGS & don't go round no one WHO does, not judging & I don't think I'm better THAN anyone too flawed to even ever compete... MY ONLY SO CALLED HABIT IS CIGARETTES, OF WHICH I GOT THE PATCHES FOR & SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRINK MY WINE & WATCH NETFLIX- CHILL WITH whomever, BUT MAINLY BY MY GOT **** SELF. WHICH TOO, MOST KNOW I DON'T EVER REALLY MIND BEING OR DOING STUFF ON MY OWN! SOME PPL AIN'T GOT TO HAVE ME CUZ IM GONNA ALWAYS HAVE ME MYSELF AND I! I WAS BORN ALONE, IM GOING TO DIE ALONE &IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE HOLD MY HAND AS I GO WHEN I GO. BUT BABY if you think or thought  I'd change for you this is your ******* wake up call! Listen; I've been in and out of foster care& group homes and in them; I was SEVERELY ABUSED, put down assulted and defamed etc. This ain't no sob story; been married a whole heep of times and went through similar **** like foster care etc with them so called men & was talked about like a dog & sometimes worse from so called family wether foster or blood etc. Ppl turned on me ,  believed lies & gave up our long standing FRIENDSHIP. I have been homeless and well off ; never rich{money wise} and have known struggles. I am sure many have similar stories; but this here is mines, I've danced on a pole and I'm not ashamed, I've worked in what I considered so called "Cooperate American", nursing& legal FIELD'S too
(white collard,blue,pink throw ups & more) lol and been to college many times. Im told by a a few psychiatrist that I'm a borderline genius but even Einstein couldn't tie his shoe without help! I have PTSD plus much more.SEEN DEATH &LOOKED IT RIGHT IN ITS FACE . WATCHED THOSE I LOVE&LOVED GO HOME TO GLORY - SOME OF EM WERE FROM MY ****.BEEN jumped stabbed shot at etc; I don't ******* scare easy baby and yo race don't mean **** to me unless it's you of whatever race color & Creed that's trying to do an injustice towards ME!So take me as I am or ******* delete me block me and or cut me off & outta yo life;CUZ I AINT CHANGING FOR YOU & NO one else!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Jan 2018
There use to be  
                meaning to the word  LOVE
                                Now; Love's meaning
                                              is to use people
                                
                           Selfless is now;
                                     being more
                                                  selfish
                                            
                                        Once there used
                                                      to be a woman
                                                               who loved
                                                           ­            LOVE  

                                                         She got used
                                                            ­   to being Used
                                                                ­   & now LOVE is no longer
                                                                ­                          welcomed here
                                                                ­                               ANYMORE!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Dec 2017
My skins burns
where your hand scorched me with
* your touch
the weight of it lingers there
as if
your finger tips etched itself inside my
*
DNA

The smell of you suffocates
me
that intoxicating scent
like an ever present shadow where
you
used to be

Walking down
these halls in this now quite
home *
wishing they'd talk but like  you their
silent*
dwelling
here empty in what used be us

The foundations cracked  
the paints chipping away
like faded memories of 
our first kiss

the cupboards doors need some work too  

I can't get the faucet to stop
leaking like my tears they fall overflowing
& I can't fix none of this

How do I mend
everything that's wrong &broken

Pictures hanging
crooked like the back patio steps

I almost fell
almost fell so hard
with no one to catch me  you
should of
tried
to catch me so many times

Because
I'd of broke my neck
like you've broken my heart

The foundations
cracked
the paints
chipped
chipping away

Even though
this house is falling apart
I'll find a way to fix it....

Maybe
then this house
will once more be
**HOME
I think he didn't want to fix it, fix us
these all are metaphors in case you didn't know the home / house is ME. I'll heal someday.
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Nov 2017
I'm insatiable  
I'm also soo fragile
with a uniqueness  all my own,
I am not superficial  and yet the contradiction would be paying bills on time and having material things matters  to me,
I have a vibrant will plus my spirits
strong too,
I love hard and fierce
I have ambitious desires  wants needs and goals,
I'm anxious  and have this deep longing,
an unquenchable thirst  almost obsession  like to express who
I truly am
yet
I'm
frighten ..
I want to be held yet don't always like being touched ,
I want conversation  yet like the peace of  quite,
I want to go out yet being in public scares me sometimes.
Somethings  make me shy even if I've done em  plenty of times,
Sometimes
I wanna eat out instead I'll  cook and then eat in bed,
I no longer wish to be a pet owner but no one will take care my half blind and semi deaf dog like me or any of the other 3
Who
like me have social anxiety,  
I like my independence  
but the
contradiction here is
I also
love being clingy  
I like kissing
yet rarely do and
when I do so I don't give my all, I want to learn knew moves  yet feel I know enough.
  I'm expressionistic; it may not be a word but it's the best way to describe  me
I want rough
***
but doubt I can go for hours
may not even last minutes
I also want to go slow ant take my time
learn something as I've previously  said.
I want gentle strong hands to keep me safe in their protectiveness
Let me be free in my mix of independence  & clingy
Accept  me
my tormented  brokenness
&
all my imperfections
I want to be more than why I am now and like most
I'M scared of changed
the scars
Run Deep
deep into my bones
Borne Into My Soul
meshing and mending into my heart
Even deep groves soaked into my broken pieces
like craving
deep into wood
deeper still to my roots
I want someone else to come do the work and fix me
Heal me
but knowing my journey
would make full grown men
run away  
I face this on my own.
I know I have to fix myself and heal
but who ever said
I'd have to do it
*Alone?
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Nov 2017
SO BROKE

I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

SO BROKE

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE
(CENTS)

SO BROKE

IVE ALLOWED
YOU HERE

WHEN I REALLY
SHOULDN'T

SO BROKE

I STRUGGLE
JUST TO GET AHEAD
AHEAD OF THE GAME

HEAD OF THIS LIFE
WHICH DRAGS ME DOWN

SO BROKE

I DON'T
LET ANYONE IN

SO BROKE

TO WHERE
I NO LONGER
KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

BROKE

ENOUGH THAT
I DON'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE

YET THE
CONTRADICTION
IS
I REALLY DO

I WANT HIM TO STAND BY ME

HELP ME MEND THESE
BROKEN
PLACES WITHIN ME

SHOW ME SOMETHING
SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING TO WHERE
I'D BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN

TO WHERE THOSE BROKEN PARTS
ARE SEWN BACK TOGETHER  

SOMEONE WHO'D SEE ME
MOST BEAUTIFUL

HE'D KEEP HIS WORD ALWAYS
HOLD ME NO
MATTER IF WE HAVE ***
OR NOT

HE'D TALK IT OUT
AND NOT WALK AWAY

HE'D TELL ME HIS DEEPEST
DARKEST SECRETS SHARE
EVERY PART OF ME

HE WOULDN'T
EVER CHEAT LIE OR STEAL

HE WOULD BE WHAT MY DREAMS
AND FANTASIES WERE MADE OF

LIKE I CONJURED HIM UP
AND MADE HIM REAL

OUR *** LIFE

WOULD BE
EVERYTHING

IVE EXPECTED
AND
BEYOND

AND
IT WOULDN'T BE
ALL ABOUT HIM

I'D GET TO
FINISH TOO

INSTEAD OF

CONSTANTLY
PRETENDING

I HIT MY PEAK

YEAH

THAT'D BE NICE

BUT UNTIL THEN
I GUESS ILL BE

  SO BROKE
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N ot to breathe
Ayeshah Nov 2017
I'm not going to do this
             I tried too many times
                    I'm not scared any more
                                          I just don't want the hassle
                      of all that
                   comes with YOU
                        I don't trust YOU
                      I don't trust anyone  
          blame my past
from childhood
to adulthood
            Blame my last ex
                                    he did the same as YOU
                                               looked me in my face
& lied
               Lying YOU though
                                        YOU actually believe
                                                    the ****
                                      that comes out
                                     your mouth and
    be mad
                           cuz I don't fall for it
                                            I long ago knew
     we shouldn't
of stuck together
                    as we did
                I settled for less
                      of what I deserved
                 because
I felt for a spell
                       I'd be enough  
My apologies
      My mistake
              My fault
       *
*IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
WE'RE DONE..... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET

© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Ayeshah Nov 2017
I cried for the litter girl who still hangs on to a spark of hope, the teen girl who waits for daddy to come
the woman that sits up in the dark wondering where her husband might be since hes been out of work since 5 pm and its now 5 am with no sign of him coming in

I had a love once who got on a plan and found happiness with out me and then I stayed settled with someone who I knew couldn't ever love me not in the ways I've always needed to be loved so for a while I allowed it

I took a lover after begin alone for years  sadly I couldn't give him all of me, I've been torn down cast aside put down and made to feel I'm worthless that lil girl that wife and mother longing for her own yet not found it yet

Been abused and beat to where life had no meaning and has nothing to offer yet im to afraid to stop living yet to this lil girl inside this is not living this is just existing

I want to be loved again where I feel safe  and wanted needed and desire made love to until my longing goes away .

fairy tales are real I've held it once and didn't know what to do with it mental health be ****** I deserve my happy ending!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
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