I wake up feeling like nothing is real
and my heart beats
and I'm panicking
and I'm sweating
and I want to die
I don't really understand why I cry
If I could just get over it, I promise you I would

how can you end sadness

when you don’t know why

it exists

the root of my problems, does not have a root at all, its like  not string or a tail of bread crumbs I can follow back to a single moment, it isnt a suppressed thought, its a voice that convinces me my thoughts were worth suppressing me in the first place.

i need to know what you found and if it feels anything like what i lost.

i notice everything
but the lack voice
to tell you everything
and i don't want to spend another night like this
if i could i would forget everything
i want to feel like i deserve to live
i want to feel like deserve to be free
save me from myself
i just want to forget
i dont think we should see each other ever again
you make me feel low
tell me more
then just go

both my mind and my body
a wasteland
for everything i
touch
like wine
was sweet
is putrid

/////////////////////////////////////////////

i mean i dont need words of encouragement

just need the sweet feeling of nicotine in my lungs

, I am the end of a cigarette, that fills your body with disgust and disappointment. I am  alone, and I am invisible.

but, I realized I was little
and I realized my thoughts were ugly
and I don't understand your sweater

we made eye contact. you reminded me of a home i’ve never been to.

“you’re stronger than this”.

“I think I'm getting better”
and before I could come up with a response,
with reassurance you said, you were still an belligerent ***-hole
It felt good you haven't changed.   I genuinely wanted to be offended, wanted to be angry at you  Instead, It just reminded me how much I've changed.  Almost, relaxing.

sometimes when I cant sleep I come up with an illogical hypothesis for everything, giving it a reason and understanding in my head. There is no big meaning, you and I are two different people. complete opposites, constantly pulling into different directions.  

I  can’t sit here and make pretend I haven’t face it yet, the uncomfortable realization,  the reassurance was more of a heavy weight
lifted off of  my  shoulders.

talking use to pass the time
smoking use to pass the time
but smoking became a waste of time
and talking became a waste of time
and my life, when I like to be alive.

my body is molting, soon who i am is who i will have been. im waiting for this new me to finish being created. leaving everything behind to find who i am.

it started with my soul, im losing the skin off of my body and everyone around me, ive been sitting in rotted waste, im decompositive matter waiting to combust.

kids talking and screaming,
the wind and birds chirping.
A stranger
one excuse to fight your fear
make yourself better
holding on won't help you
in the end

I do drugs because I knew what they’ll do to me. I know I can take x and y will happen. People say drugs take away control, but to me they gave me it.

time is moving far too fast it leaves me breathless
I get so lost in the thought of what its like to be alive
don't know what I'm thinking
I'm lost now in the thrill of it
I'm not going anywhere
I can feel the sadness from my inside showing
when will you break this silence all i want is to be free
because that is  where i am suppose to be

what do you want
hold out your hands
let me see you
for what you really are
not a ghost

5 words                                                                           i
for the 5 months                                                           was
we didn't talk                                                                not
I left                                                                                  in
and you found a new you                                          love

love me during the days that i’m scared of my own body
and when i try to disappear

.  I’m sorry, I’m the way that I am I let people walk all on me because I’m selfish and love  affection and love humans.   I'm sick, of people figuring out how easy it is to walk all over me, and become ruthless and I start to not even care if they're using me, because what is my worth in this world?  Nothing at all, I'm 1 in a trillion and a few broken hearts is nothing compared to crippling pain of living each day.

I would rather be alone in my room with my thoughts
Than anything else
The rain will fall, the leaves will turn
and I'll still be gone.
You maintain your hope,
and you'll move on
and I'll move on



(I don't even care)

don't put your trust in me,
you'll see me with a new boy
talking about how he makes me hole
but it's just something to get me by
because without a doubt, I don't
really need anyone, I just like being in
control