what is love
how does someone
open themselves to love another
I don't know if my heart
can handle anymore
vulnerability
how does one love healthily
I only know how to idolize someone
to think they can do no wrong
that they're perfect
I'd do anything for them
then to hatred in the blink of an eye
everything they do is wrong
they're the same as trash
I don't want to see them ever again
why do I switch between
idolize, hatred, idolize, hatred
so on and so forth
until one day
I feel nothing towards them
I don't hate them
but I don't idolize/"love" them
I think I must be broken
if I cannot love
or even know what love is

at school not a word leaves my mouth
but if I decide to talk
I end up regretting it
my anxiety flares up
my face feels hot and prickly
my back heats up
my hands begin to tremble
my heart pounds in my chest
my breathing quickens
my surroundings don't feel real
so I press my lips together
and let myself stay the quiet kid

the day is nearing close and closer
the day I wear my cap and gown
and walk down the stage
and get handed my diploma
the day I no longer attend high school
the day I leave this town behind
to start my new life
and new beginnings

I have always been the gifted child
overachiever and overworking myself
desperate for approval
if I get good grades, maybe my parents will love me
get straight A's
get on the honor roll
be the top of my class
a B is the same as an F
you drilled that into me
my worth was dependent on my grades
if I wasn't the best, I was worthless
I hold these messages to this day
no matter how detrimental they are to me
now staying a the top and the best grades is a struggle
I can't be the perfect child anymore

the sky afire with pinks and oranges and yellows
the sun rising to greet the clouds
the trees silhouetted against the colors
the birds chirping to the others fills the chilly air
the breeze grazes your shoulder
caresses your arm
another beautiful day to be alive

you emailed me
it was in my spam
i deleted it without reading it
part of me yearns to know what it said
to feel your arms wrapped around me
but my heart seems to forget how angry and dangerous those hands could be
it wants to feel his warm lips against mine
but seems to forget the lies and manipulation that oozed from them
why do i do this to myself
i don't deserve to be treated like that
i was viewed as something to be owned and dominated and used
not cared for or loved or protected
he pretended to care
but he just wanted my body
i need to drill that into my head so i don't end up with him again
he isn't the one
he is emotionally violent
verbally violent
physically violent
he is not to be trusted or let in again
i will not repeat my mistakes

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

morning dew coating the fresh grass
pitter pattering rain showers
green foliage growing on trees
flowers budding in gardens
sun shining in a cloudy sky
the air chilly and warm
nature rebirth
dancing in the rain
jumping in mud puddles
basking in the rays of light

Nova
my baby girl
such beautiful fluffy black fur
so talkative with her little meow
needy and clingy
following me around the house
giving me ***** looks for petting other cats

Luna
such a crazy girl
wide manic eyes
furry tuxedo so fluffy and soft
chaotic and psychotic
loves getting her **** smacked
my mama's baby

Gizmo
such a handsome boy
so kind and loving
will cuddle everyone
always wants attention
sleek black fur with a white dot on his neck
so loving and loveable

Caesar
an introverted boy
such orange soft fur
quiet and reserved
loves belly rubs
doesn't quite like me
my dad's baby

my friend, you are important to me
when I'm with you, I'm as happy as can be
that's true you see

you are talented and beautiful
you are funny and honest
you are kind and sweet

your deep brown eyes glitter in the sun
your curly dark hair frames your face nicely
your smile is contagious and bright

my friend, I will not leave you
when you're feeling blue
I'll cheer you up, it's true

we're inseparable
we're linked
we're forever friends

the urges are coming back
the urge to skip breakfast
to skip lunch
the urge to work out until dizzy
and lightheaded
the thoughts are getting strong
the thoughts about my weight
about my size
i wish i was never like this
but awful parents that were vocal about their and others weight gives you a complex
oh that poor seven year old me calling theirself fat

I wish I could've been a kid
a happy kid, a normal kid
a kid who was loved
not a kid who knew which parent was coming and if they were in a bad mood by their footsteps
a kid who played with toys
a kid who didn't slave away taking care of the house and their siblings
I wish my childhood were an actual childhood
I wish I didn't have to worry about getting beat
or screamed at
or not allowed to eat dinner
or made to swallow dish soap
I wish my unhealthy relationships weren't normal to me
I wish I knew what a healthy relationship looked like
I wish I didn't endure what I endured
it was too much for a little kid to carry
and it's too much for me to carry now

Invalidated day after day
“She” “her” “girlfriend”
Replayed in my head
Never silencing the wrong pronouns that people say
They love me but why can’t they call me something other than a girl

Wishing they’ll change
“They” “them” “he” “him” “boyfriend”
Anything other than “girl” would make me happy
Would satisfy that little boy inside me aching to be called for what he is

Second biggest insecurity? My chest
Why?
It makes me feel like a girl and I don't want to feel like that
I hate how the way I dress or do my makeup makes me look female
It’s like nothing I do matters for people to think I'm a boy
Sure a select few respect my pronouns
But it's not many

I feel so alone and isolated with my dysphoria
No one I know can understand my struggle
I just wish I had a flat chest and a masculine face
Then I could get away with wearing makeup without looking like a female

Sometimes I want to plead with god why he made me hate myself so
I didn't ask for this
This constant battle of wanting to cut my chest just so it can feel the way I feel when I see them
It hurts deep inside to see this ugly body being portrayed as a woman
I want to be a boy
Nothing people say can make me hate my body less

I look in the mirror at myself and I want to cry
This isn’t how I should be physically
I hate it
No matter what gender I feel day to day, I can never please myself
I grow my hair out so I can look a little feminine
But then I chop it off so I can look masculine
One side will be happy for a short period then it will be angry again

I just want to be content when I see myself
Why must I be like this
Dysphoria is a demon I fight daily
But I never win
It had grown too strong over the years

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

do you ever feel so suicidal that you feel it in your body
my heart is shaky and pounding
my stomach is churning
my skin feels hot
my eyes are damp
my mind is racing and storming
i can't think coherently
except about…
“i really want to die”
“i don't want to be alive anymore”
“maybe this time it won't be an attempt but suicide”
“i can't do this anymore”
“let me die let me die please if there's a god out there let me die let me die **** me please”
“I'm so weak and pathetic”
“my whole life I've been abused and assaulted it haunts me”
“I'm suffering with every breath I take and every heartbeat it's shoved into my ******* face laughing that I'm still alive”
“I'm such a failure I can't even **** myself so pathetic 12 suicide attempts”

day after day after day
I push myself to work harder
to complete more assignments
to push myself past my limits
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
I skip breakfast
and lunch
and sometimes dinner
but my body makes me eat a snack
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
the cuts and the burns cover my body
giving me new scars
and new pain
my secret outlet for all my unspoken pain
why do I do this to myself

when i tried to **** myself that night
something in my brain broke
i wasn't the same anymore
usually after a black and white episode
i can feel love for that person/people again
but when i woke up in the hospital after that attempt
that love was gone
i used to be able to feel love for some people and all animals
now i can't love humans anymore
i feel even less empathy for humans now than i did before
i can barely care about my friends
how can i care about anyone else
my heart is shriveled up and dead
it doesn't work anymore

tedious and monotonous
not retaining the useless information
keeping my head down
so people won't talk to me
if they do
I fear it won't be nice
students avoid me
and that's fine by me
they aren't very courteous to begin with
I finish my work in a flash
then dive into my book
teachers like me
and students come to me for help
I quite like this interaction

I used to stumble through life
My world full of strife
The thoughts inside my head
Were riddled with bloodshed
I say farewell to that person
So my mind will not worsen
I made an extreme change
It added happiness to my range
If my poems gave any indication
My depression took a forever vacation
It's hard to articulate how I feel
So I use poetry to reveal
My body positivity is hard
But I won't let it be marred
I try to be my favorite support
But I need others in my court
I put in lots of effort to be content
But sometimes I just need to vent
My outlook on my future is positive
I won't be controlled by the negative

I'm in an underground labyrinth searching for the exit my whole life
everything seems like I took a wrong turn leading me deeper into the darkness
if I see light
how do I know if it's just a flashlight or a trick
or the sun the taste of freedom or liberation
do I follow the light and feed into the potentially false hope
and let me fall into despair once again
or do I even want to escape anymore
this labyrinth is all I know
what would I do with my life if I found the door leading me out
away from the horrors of my life
how would I even be able to adapt to this new life full of smiles and sunlight
maybe I'll stay here in my darkness
alone with my thoughts that torture me
yeah, it hurts but it's my normal
just like the scars on my arms
begging to be reopened
to have red spill down my wrists
to stain my sleeves
I can handle hoodies in the summer
If I've done it before
I can do it again
they all tell me to not do it again
but I don't want to listen to them
they say there are so many coping skills that will make you feel better
but those people haven't put a blade to their wrist and watched the blood trickle out
to feel the sting the adrenaline the pain
it's everything I need and want
don't take away something that actually helps me
I can swallow all these pills but that isn't gonna do anything good
if I hear “just be mindful” or “use mindfulness, it'll be the cure” one more time
I might scream until I go deaf and lose my voice
no one seems to listen to what I say
it's like I'm all alone in a crowded room no one sees me
they all look through me like I'm not even there
like I don't exist

Spiteful, yes that is what I am
You think a diagnosis can wash away your sins
But you made me feel worthless and fat
You can try to spin the tale around
But you and I know what truly happened
Your rough heart cut me deep
I’m still bleeding to this day
I drown in my tears from the agony you gave me
Yet you pretend it never happened
You ignore my pain and brush it off
The facade of trying to connect with me crumbled
I see now what your true intentions were
To show that you spend time with all your kids
But I won’t forget the screaming and beatings
It seems worse that you did the abuse sober
No alcohol to make you violent
It was truly you
You can’t blame your diagnosis

reality is very jarring
it's so different from my books
I love the escape
all the different worlds I can experience
so much better than reality

I wear long sleeves in the summertime
I spend my days unsticking my pants from my thighs
I must admit I relish the sting when the water hits
the shower brings pain from my self-inflicted cuts
I see beauty when the blade digs in and the blood drips down my wrists and thighs
I hope these scars last an eternity

the darkness threatens to overtake me
to soothe my sadness with pain
self-inflicted pain
but i must not give in
this will pass
it won't last for long
but it seems so sweet
like a familiar lullaby
but the lullaby has a dark undertone
like ring around the rosie
i will not give it
i am stronger than this
it will pass
i will not embrace the blade
no longer will i obey its every call

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than the water of the womb

exhaustion settles into my bones as my screams turn into silence
the darkness comes and goes in waves as I continue my descent in the downward spiral
oh how I wish that my scars would open up and start bleeding
the ocean drags me down into the deep abyss
the agony seeps under my skin and permeates how I see the world
my sickness is one that can never me cure

the past
blood-covered thighs and arms
drip drip dripping on the blade
stinging showers
long sleeves in the summertime
unsticking clothes from my limbs
wincing when laying on the wrong side

the present
healed scars litter my body
retired blades no longer kiss my skin
painless showers
t-shirts all the time
smiles no longer forced
recovery

anxiety is the bane of my existence
it consumes me
eating away at my sanity
until it controls everything i do

heart pounding so hard that i feel stabbing pains in my chest
my lungs get put into overdrive until they feel like they collapsed
my throat burns and closes up
i feel like i can't breathe

my stomach becomes the bermuda triangle
twisting and churning, ******* everything to the bottom
my body is filled with tremors and my legs don't seem to be strong enough to walk

my mind races and blurs of thoughts race back and forth
it feels like everyone is staring at me
i can feel their eyes boring into me
judging me
and when i hear someone laughing
i believe it's me they're laughing at
after all all i am is a joke
a freak
“a girl who thinks she's a boy”
an ugly clown

so i dont go out of my way to talk to people my age
at school i keep my eyes to the floor
and my expression blank and emotionless
i don't want people to know what im thinking
for fear of what they might do with it

I wish I could say that I miss the simple times
but in truth, my younger self didn't live a simple life
so complex and fear-coated
I never had a time to be thoughtless and carefree
the sharp stabbing truth was I was never allowed to be young
to be happy and unburdened
I was made to work and slave away
to work my childhood dreams away
the tremendous weight of being a child adult chained to the ground
until my mind was grotesque with hatred and fear

am I alone
alone in this world
my breath shudders as I curl under my covers
the world is silent
silent to my pain
the world turns a blind eye to my loneliness
am I alone
it feels like it
going to school, talking to no one
going home and hiding in my room
no one messages my phone
all alone
alone with my thoughts
"they don't like you"
"don't bother them"
"you're a burden"
"leave them alone"
they say

tick tick tick
the clock is ticking
closer and closer the day will come
when I leave this school
and never look back
I'll look ahead
at my future
and my new beginning
a fresh start where I can be myself
freely without the fear of judgement
going to a more accepting college
where my identity is more than
a cruel joke
to be used against me

I'd slit my own throat
just to see if you'd mourn me
I used to give people tests
just to see if they cared about me
it always hurt me
I tore myself limb by limb
trying to prove that I was unlovable
because the thought of someone
loving me
was unfathomable

they say your skin is completely new after 7 years
it's been 7 years
but your touch still lingers
I see you everywhere
even though you aren't there
your presence haunts me
distrusting other me
because of you
you were supposed to protect me
but you hurt me instead
how can I trust after that
you violated me
and acted like nothing was wrong
like it didn't consume me
with fear and disgust and anger
how dare you do this to me
you told me to never let anyone touch me there
but you broke the rule and did it yourself
I was just a kid
it's been 7 years
but it still haunts me

the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird