something I thought was unattainable
like the fruit Tantalus couldn't grab
just out of reach
torturing me
with the proximity

now I grew stronger
and I grasped the fruit
I cradle it to my chest
never letting it go

I won't allow myself to crash back into the pool
begging to reach the fruit

oh how I remember
when I was a kid
that I thought drinking
and driving
meant any kind of beverage
and got so nervous
when I saw my parents
drinking water
while driving
oh how I remember
how I innocent
and naive
I was

when I love someone
I don't want to love their
gender or their skin
I want to love them
their laugh
their smile
their eyes
their humor
their kindness
their thoughtfulness
their talents
their skills
I want to love them
for them
not a made up version
of them
I want them to be theirself
and be proud
they don't need to be
a girl
or
a boy
or
gender nonconforming
I will love them
for them
and what they look like
does not matter
"I don't love a body,
that's just skin and bones,
not somebody"

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

i have all these strong emotions
they swirl around inside me
i shove them down
and put a cork in the bottle
the bottle that doesn't open
it's easier to ignore the anxiety
than deal with the difficult emotion
but the bottle can't hold anymore
of this feeling
the bottle is shaking and exploding open
the feelings are rushing back at me
i'm holding in the tears
my stomach is churning like
the emotional turmoil
i'm so worried
I can't do this anymore
it's all crashing down on me
the emotions rain down on me
like the glass shards from the bottle
the anxiety shoots through my veins
making my hands tremble
and my heart ache
and my mind spin

I am grateful for my parents
how they're always there for me
listening to me when I'm sad
giving me hugs to make me feel better
how they make me laugh when I'm about to cry

I am grateful for my poetry
how it got me through dark times
and is with me during the happy times
always there to help me express my feelings
how it kept me afloat in the sea of depression

I am grateful for my friends
how they're there for me
as I am there for them
how they make me laugh
and we can share anything without judgement

I've had a myriad of failed relationships
each one tore my heart open
but this one is different
however, not in a good way
they're so distant and cold
more like an acquaintance
than a partner
but maybe they need time
I'm trying to not overthink it
but alas, I am failing

at school, I barely say a word
I like to be unheard
they laugh at me
very indiscreetly
I hate it
I wish they would quit
my anxiety knows no bounds
my heart erratically pounds
I don't speak in fear
because they make fun of what they hear
the whispers, the laughter
at home, I'll replay it after
I pretend not to notice
but my anger and embarrassment threaten to surface

I want to sink my teeth into your flesh
forever tasting you
I want to weld our bodies together
forever in your embrace
I want to sew your hand to my hand
forever intertwined
I want to glue our lips together
forever kissing you

I love too hard and get attached too easily
I get hurt and obsessive
but I pour my entire soul into the relationship

"what we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human"
I have learned to keep my feelings
to myself
I have been taught that
my struggles are shameful
or attention seeking
but that is not the case
being shamed made me feel
like my emotions weren't valid
or that it wasn't something
that should be talked about
but that is not something
to be taught to children
cuz emotions are valid
feelings and coping skills
are valid
but you can't grow and heal
if you won't allow yourself
to express how you feel
you'll just struggle more
is you ignore those feelings
it is not shameful
to feel what you feel
the people who made you
feel that way
should be shamed
for hindering you from healing

tick tick tick
the clock is ticking
closer and closer the day will come
when I leave this school
and never look back
I'll look ahead
at my future
and my new beginning
a fresh start where I can be myself
freely without the fear of judgement
going to a more accepting college
where my identity is more than
a cruel joke
to be used against me

I wonder how I would've turned out
if I lived a different life
one without childhood trauma
and mental illness
one without severe anxiety
and self-consciousness
would I be happy
and carefree
how would I feel
would I have lots of friends
because I wouldn't be scared to talk to people
would I eat healthy
and not feel guilty when I have a sweet treat
would I be grateful to experience life
I don't know
but I can try to make it a reality now
I can't change what I went through then
but I can change what I'll do now
and in the future

why do I think of you still
it feels like you control me even when we're no contact
I don't miss you I tell myself
you were evil and violent and controlling
I don't miss you
I miss the idea of you
the idea of comfort and romantic love
but that isn't you
I want softness and gentle love
you cut me with your sharp edges and your harsh words
I won't go back to you, I can't
yet I still think of you and it's torture
I'll admit I'm lonely
but I need to keep my standards
a violent lover is no lover of mine
not anymore

what is love
I do not know
maybe I am destined
to never know
it's touch

it's quite lonesome by myself
no one to talk to
no one to hang out with
so, I detach from reality
engrossed in my phone
or my tv
disappearing into another world
to escape from my loneliness
my bed is my vessel to transport me
into another setting
tv shows and instagram
are my loophole
else I wallow in despair
as the loneliness seeps into my bones

adoration
deep love and respect
I adore you and
your creativity

passion
strong and barely controllable emotion
I am passionate about you
and your way with words

fondness
affection for someone
I am fond of you
and your smile

tenderness
feelings of affection
I have a tenderness for you
and your ability to
bare your soul to me

psithurism reaches my ears
as I walk through the forest
the rustling leaves
are so peaceful
the sun shines through the branches
wildflowers sway in the breeze
birds chirp in the distance
a lazy river gurgles next me

I think I need to write pages of malarkey
all jumbled up and confusing
everything in my brain onto paper
maybe this will cure my writers block
let the words come out garbled
and chaotic
until they flow out steadily

tacenda is what I feel about you
it's better left unfinished
what could've been
is not important
we were never meant to be
like I imagined
my feelings are damaged
tacenda

I'm doing better
but is my better good enough
yeah, I've been clean from self-harm for almost 3 months
but sometimes I think about it
I laugh easier
but I still feel lonely
my smiles are real
but I think about my eating way too much
I shouldn't discredit my wins
but all I can think of are my shortcomings
I wish I had positive thoughts
to go with my positive mood
I'm sad but I'm happy
it's quite the conundrum
I need to stop focusing on my downs
and praise my ups
I'm doing better now
I'm happier
more carefree
still anxious of course
but way better
I love the way I feel
and how I can appreciate the little things
like my motivation
I do so much more than I used to
I'm happy
but part of me thinks it's a ruse
that something bad is going to happen
that part of me might be right
but it also might be wrong

I'm counting down the days
just get through this week
and I will be free
free from this school
I will walk across the stage
and never look back
just get to Friday
and all the classes will be over
at this wretched school

I am a cactus
my body covered in spikes
all I wanted
was a hug
but I hurt people
when they got to close
stabbing them with my spikes
it was never my intention
to wound them
but nevertheless
it happened
after I stabbed my loved ones
with my spikes
they left
and I was there
all alone
with an ache in my chest
I was so lonely
and I wanted a hug
but if someone tried to hug me
they got hurt
and left
I don't want to cause pain
but that is how I
was made
made to be destructive
and alone
I don't want to be this way
but what is a cactus
without it's spikes

I'm running out of time
run run running out of time
time to share my story
my words
let them flow onto the page
run run running out of time
more words more words
I need more
I need to explain my pain
and healing
I'm running out of time
more words
more lines
more sentences
more paragraphs
I'm running out of time
time to share my story
run run running out of time

I used to gloze over my pain
saying "I'm fine"
or "I'm just tired"
I used to hide away
not wanting to let anyone in
for the fear of judgement
I no longer gloze over my pain
I am honest if I'm feeling down
it's very freeing that way
my pain deserves to be open
to heal
a covered wound that never airs out
will never heal

the time has come
where wearing shorts
is reasonable for the weather
but alas
i cannot participate
cuz of my scars
i'm not ashamed of them
but people will judge me
when they see the word
"die" carved into my thigh
pants will eventually become uncomfortable
but i will persevere through it
i like my scars
they're pretty to me
but others don't think that way
shorts season is here
but i cannot participate

my friend, you are important to me
when I'm with you, I'm as happy as can be
that's true you see

you are talented and beautiful
you are funny and honest
you are kind and sweet

your deep brown eyes glitter in the sun
your curly dark hair frames your face nicely
your smile is contagious and bright

my friend, I will not leave you
when you're feeling blue
I'll cheer you up, it's true

we're inseparable
we're linked
we're forever friends

do I want to die
or do I want the flashbacks to go away
do I want to die
or do I want the trauma to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to not hate myself
do I want to die
or do I want to not get older
do I want to die
or do I want to not live in fear
do I want to die
or do I want the paranoia to go away
do I want to die'
or do I want the severe anxiety to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to eat without worrying about my weight
do I want to die
or do I want to feel whole again
do I want to die
or do I want to escape my problems
my mental illness
my crippling loneliness
my fear
my uncertainty
the unknown future
do I want to die
or do I want the pain to go away

blanket and pillows and snacks
chopped and dr pimple popper
tv and instagram and cats
late nights and laughter
sleeping in and staying in
pjs all day

Nova
my baby girl
such beautiful fluffy black fur
so talkative with her little meow
needy and clingy
following me around the house
giving me ***** looks for petting other cats

Luna
such a crazy girl
wide manic eyes
furry tuxedo so fluffy and soft
chaotic and psychotic
loves getting her **** smacked
my mama's baby

Gizmo
such a handsome boy
so kind and loving
will cuddle everyone
always wants attention
sleek black fur with a white dot on his neck
so loving and loveable

Caesar
an introverted boy
such orange soft fur
quiet and reserved
loves belly rubs
doesn't quite like me
my dad's baby

I have logolepsy
I love learning about
all these new words
expanding my vocabulary
tenacious
quiddity
eclectic
capricious
psithurism

they say that if a tree falls in the forest
with nobody around to hear it
then does it really make a sound

the tree's pain went unnoticed
due to the lack of hearing ears
the pain was still there
even though no one could hear it

just because the tree fell
and no one heard the fall
doesn't mean it didn't happen
it doesn't erase the pain

the tree uprighted itself
and grew back taller than before
it did it by itself
because no one listened for the pain
so no one could help it overcome it
except itself

my scars
should I be ashamed of them
the answer isn't clear
but what I know is
that I find them beautiful
they may not have came from beauty
but they grew to be

the scars erupted from pain and misery
I was searching for an escape
an outlet for my despair
I found it in blades

they marred my skin
but I love them so
I don't want to be judged for them
but I find beauty in the pain

I have trouble with emotions
I can't feel them correctly
either I feel too much
or nothing at all
it could be because of my past
when I suppressed my emotions
day after day
emotions meant danger
he was volatile
and showing emotions
could end up with
him in a fit of rage
I walked on eggshells
to avoid his wrath
now I struggle with emotions
it's safe to feel them now
but my body no longer
knows how to properly
it's an all or nothing situation
it's quite draining

people say self love is important
I need to love myself
I want to...
love myself
such a revelation
however,
it seems so difficult

I have told my whole life
to make myself smaller
that I was worthless
and no one would/should
love me

I was beaten down my whole life
to the point that
it seems unattainable
to love myself
I want to love myself
but I don't know how

I look at myself and
all I see are flaws
I pick out
everything that it deemed
a mistake or unwanted

I want...
no, I need to love myself
but how do I start
I feel so lost

how do I begin
to love myself
and not want to change
everything I see in the mirror

how do I shut down all
the voices saying I need
to change
to lose weight
to do this
to do that

I want to be me
and love myself
without being unauthentic

tedious and monotonous
not retaining the useless information
keeping my head down
so people won't talk to me
if they do
I fear it won't be nice
students avoid me
and that's fine by me
they aren't very courteous to begin with
I finish my work in a flash
then dive into my book
teachers like me
and students come to me for help
I quite like this interaction

eclectic that's how I'd describe myself
different from the rest
not in a pick me way
just in a way that I don't even try
and I'm different
I don't do it to impress someone
I like poetry and writing
I like wearing bold and eccentric makeup
I like wearing heaps of homemade jewelry
I like being me
I like laughing loud and hard
until I can't breathe
I like acting weird
and driving my parents crazy
from my quirky acts of love
I like being myself so hard
that only the real ones stay

her sillage settled in my room
after she left
it brings back memories of
what we did that night
your lips pressed against mine
my hands on you soft skin
feeling the curves of your body
I was high on your touch
couldn't get enough
always needed more of you
now you're gone
and all I'm left with
are the memories

i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself

I could prate about how I feel
about you for days
until my words become
redundant and repetitive
I could prate endlessly
about how I hate you
or about how I love you
or about how I don't know how
I feel about you
as undecided as my feelings are
I could still prate about them

"the early bird gets the worm"
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
"seize the day"
seize the day, but put very little trust
in tomorrow
"curiosity killed the cat"
curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction
brought it back
"great minds think alike"
great minds think alike, though
fools seldom differ
"money is the root of all evil"
for the love of money is the root of all
kinds of evils
"jack of all trades, master of none"
jack of all trades, master of none,
though oftentimes better than
master of one

you were so lovely
yet in a tremendous amount of pain
the pain went away
but so did your life
it was a pyrrhic victory
I'm glad you aren't in pain
any longer
but the feeling is bittersweet
it was a pyrrhic victory
as you crossed
the rainbow bridge
rest easy buddy

you know something i think about often
i don't have a personality
i just mimic others
the people i interact with
i mirror their personality
i mirror their texting language
i mirror the phrases or terms they use
i mirror their body language
i mirror their actions
their beliefs
their interests
their jokes
i mirror them
until i am just a patchwork personality of a million others that aren't mine
but you can't tell me to be myself when there isn't a self to be
I'm an empty shell, a husk of a person
there's nothing inside my heart
i have no personality
there is no me to be
and no matter how hard i search inside of me
there is nothing to be found
i am nothing
i am empty
i have no personality
i can't be myself when there is no self to be
who am i if nothing but everyone around me

I dismembered myself
trying to find
which parts aren't loveable
which parts made everyone leave

I want to be like the cool kids
my younger self wished
that wish went unheard
I stayed true to myself
even through bullying
and stares
I can be the cool kid
cool is subjective
it's what you make it
I can be myself
and be cool
at the same time
I wish I could be like the cool kids
but having friends like you
is way better than changing yourself
to fit in with others
be authentic
be bold
be YOU

I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for putting you first
before myself
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you wanted me
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you were the one
I'm not sorry for loving you
I'm not sorry I stopped loving you
I'm not sorry for wanting nothing to do with you
I'm not sorry
I'm done with you

do you ever think that
the world is so messed up
that it should be blown up
and start anew
a new beginning
a clean slate
to do better this time
to reverse the mistakes made
the world is awful
and we made it that way
maybe humans are the problem
maybe it's our fault
maybe the world is
better off without us
destroying everything we touch

the bugs crawl under my skin
as my mind fades into darkness
my heart stills, cold in my chest
stiff hands gripped by loved ones
blank glazed over eyes
rotting flesh falling off my bones

my old heart only beat for others
now it beats for me