Sculpt me better Tear me apart And sew a new frame
Pull out my dulled eyes For ones full of light I’m sick of theses dying eyes The ones who couldn’t see the love Who could only show distrust So tear out my broken eyes Please give me something new
Them cut off both my hands Cause they’ve done nothing to be kept They bruised my neck And cut my skin So why keep them around
And my mouth My beautiful little mouth Stayed quiet when I cried When I wanted to scream When I needed help Smiling through pain Laughing through hardship Cut it off Rip it Shred it until it’s in a million pieces Give me a new one
Melt my stomach Burn it Set it on fire until it’s nothing but ash It’s endless cries of hunger Ribs poking holes through the thin skin I hate it It’s ugly and disgusting
Chop off my feet Endlessly walking in a circle Never quite near freedom Taking me closer and closer to death Let them bleed out across the floor Until all that’s left Is a husk of skin and bones
Rip out my heart The thing that made me cry Tears flowing across the hall Stab the thing that stopped When she walked in the room That stopped when she walked out the door
And my brain I hate it the most I wish I could smash it into a million pieces Burn it to ash Do a million things I couldn’t name I would shout at the voices Stop breaking me Stop hurting me Stop controlling me Stop it before I go mad Before I go crazy Before I rip myself apart
Burn the rest of the body The whole thing was just a mess Imperfect Ugly Beyond repair No one cares for that thing Just throw it in the river already Let sink to the bottom And lay there for years Because no want that thing That ugly little husk
Aching, alone in the moonlight My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright. I drift numb through waves of sorrow, The desire to be weightless lures me further below. It's the calm before the storm of hunger Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.
Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt. Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos I idolize them, while my self hatred grows. My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.
I'm ravenous I don't care I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"
Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror. "You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers. Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree. I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.
As I drift forlorn to the open abyss I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss. The violent waves subside, Making me realize it's okay now if I die But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."
I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you My life it revolves The sun the stars the moon I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer Tears morph my body’s shape Blurred like spilled paint I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face I can’t breathe, so faster I try Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die But the most I do is cry.
I drift lonely, lonely for you You’re my depression, you’re my muse Self hatred claims my compass, So I follow it into the forest And loathe your loving, It infects me like fungus Now I’m lost and scared Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse
I idolize you and your flaws How you seem so free While around me forms a mist of misery A clouded conscious with what I made you my life Now I hate everything that I am, And nothing’s right Unmotivated, unsure I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am Still on my knees I pray to you, The blood slain of my own lamb. My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more I don’t know why I can’t end this war.
When I look in the mirror in the morning, I feel fine. I brush my hair. I am fine. I brush my teeth, And I am fine.
Then I notice how my teeth aren’t as white as they could be. But I'm still fine.
Then I put on my clothes and I notice how I spill over the sides. But I am fine. Then I notice how my hips jut out And my jeans are never long enough in the ankles.
Then I spend ten minutes thinking of changing my jeans, Because this shirt is too tight But I opt for a hoodie instead. Then I am lost in the hoodie. I feel like a blob of fabric. And then just a blob.
I get in my car and look in the mirror to adjust And notice how dark under my eyes are. When I’m pretty sure they weren’t that dark earlier.
As I drive to school, I notice my hands on the steering wheel And ponder how they can be both fat and scraggly at the same time.
I get to school and notice people staring at me at the red lights While I begin to cross the road.
I pass windows and with each one, I notice my thighs grow larger with each step. I notice how wide I am when I pass other girls Then I think about my ankles and I swear I can feel them swell.
By the time it is twelve o’clock, I have convinced myself that I am a Bulging, Suffocating, Beast Who tramples everyone in the room. And the Earth is suddenly too small for someone as big as I am.
Skin Fingernails, moonlight, low-light What’s the beast in the mirror I see? It stares at me, it’s features moaning a sad soliloquy I find it’s eyes, green, green, the colour of envy Envy. Envy. I find myself stretching skin. Skin, it’s anthropomorphism deeply disturbs me Why can’t I take it off Peel it off, rip it off, burn it off, cut it off Snip, snip The more I stare the more it crumbles, it crumbles I paint it’s mask with lacquer but the same pair of green eyes stare at me What is that, who is that beast The low-light consoles me but still I see it for what is Me