i watch birds fly every day i watch cars drive every day i watch planes soar through the sky every day
i watch people falling through the ground every day a few times a week i see children morph into nightmares a few times a month i see my friends walk through walls every so often i can smell a church burning down somewhere
every once in a while everything goes quiet all the colors around me shift either 4 shades darker or 2 shades lighter lighter i want to be lighter i want to be able to lift off the ground just like the birds
i want to be so light that i can slither through molecules as thin as a paper
i want to walk through walls i want to morph into something scarier than my nightmares i want to remember what it feels like to not be scared of falling through the floor
i want to burn down a church
and then cry and beg for forgiveness at the feet of the lord
i had to, i'm sorry. it was the only way to feel like he's truly gone.
i want to be high on the feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs. but i can't find anything that raises me up enough to feel that. diphenhydramine morphs children into nightmares. dextromethorphan makes people fall through the ground and walk through walls the devil himself makes me remember the smell of a church burning down but i've never seen a church burn down
perhaps it's just my mind manifesting my thoughts into physical sensations
Girls as sweet as cream, as pastries wispy, airy, baby fairy Weeping girls with their lovely flushed cheeks I stand before you and my knees grow weak I stand before you, and my soul grows meek Do you see my heart shatter like a dropped antique? Cuz I’m small, but not dainty Small, not faint of heart too loud, too much, not enough and I know You’d much better love a girl as sweet as apple **** Cuz how can I be your Ophelia when my tragedy isn’t piteous? and how could I be worth loving if my body is so, so hideous? Or if my lips aren’t kissable? My heart not worth devouring? What beauty does a young girl have if she’s not worth deflowering?
The delicate fragility of white girlhood feels so unattainable, and yet, I long to be seen as desirable in the way they are.
A man I once loved told me he wished I “cared more about my body” But I do care I care for every lump and curve as much as I hate them As much as he hated them
I remember yearning for puberty A thing to make me tall And thin A biological fix for my PROBLEMATIC BODY
Does he know the history? The gain and loss The bullies The pushed-into-puddles The nightmares
I despise the power of his lips A lover disfigured That’s the vibe His words birthing a mantra of shame And I’ll never outrun this skin
Thirty years later And he’s pushing me into a lake No principal to save me this time No dry clothes
He left me years ago Found a much thinner replacement for my side of the bed It’s for the best I tell myself as I drunkenly throw rocks at his window
“Don’t think Just eat” Is this just a game I play? Three glasses of whiskey and a Postmate Won’t chase the horror away
Momentary pleasure (add guacamole) Is that enough? Will I ever be enough?
No I am too much Too much skin Too much softness Too many folds Too much of me is filling up space That’s what they tell me I see the reflection and I hate all of this excess ME
“I wish you cared more about your body”
What is the remedy? A perfect diet A perfect exercise regimen Pills Sweat Porcelain
Think before you speak on a body, sir Because your words alone Have the power to ignite a hell Of The Utmost Destruction
His venom is still pulsing through me And I’m burning up I want to escape Crawl out from the water Become pure wind
But how do I love me? How do I allow myself to occupy space? To stop hiding from every mirror, every glance at the ocean of my belly?
I don’t know I’m not there yet I am on an opposite shore consumed by self-hatred Longing to set sail for somewhere
Somewhere I can cherish the secrets that these sacred ripples of flesh hide Where my waistline is a treasure map of my wisdom A place where his words have no power Where I collapse into the sunset and set myself... F R E E
The light shines through the windowpane and I start to melt, I scream in pain Hello? help, I can't do this again Shut the curtain, I'm alone again Sizzled and fried, I think I just died How does it feel to still be alive? My lungs are the only thing that's left Slowly rising and falling in a ****** mess
How does it feel to still be alive? Stop crying Goodmourning
My heart skips beats when I can't sleep My eyes strain red I shot myself in the head This hole in my brain makes me think I'm insane Watch me laugh it off again Syrup pours out but it's not very sweet So I'll hand you the gun, tell you, "copy me." Outcasts in hysteria hold onto our feet
How does it feel to still be alive? How does it feel to join the dark side? Stop crying You're dying Goodmourning
Sculpt me better Tear me apart And sew a new frame
Pull out my dulled eyes For ones full of light I’m sick of theses dying eyes The ones who couldn’t see the love Who could only show distrust So tear out my broken eyes Please give me something new
Them cut off both my hands Cause they’ve done nothing to be kept They bruised my neck And cut my skin So why keep them around
And my mouth My beautiful little mouth Stayed quiet when I cried When I wanted to scream When I needed help Smiling through pain Laughing through hardship Cut it off Rip it Shred it until it’s in a million pieces Give me a new one
Melt my stomach Burn it Set it on fire until it’s nothing but ash It’s endless cries of hunger Ribs poking holes through the thin skin I hate it It’s ugly and disgusting
Chop off my feet Endlessly walking in a circle Never quite near freedom Taking me closer and closer to death Let them bleed out across the floor Until all that’s left Is a husk of skin and bones
Rip out my heart The thing that made me cry Tears flowing across the hall Stab the thing that stopped When she walked in the room That stopped when she walked out the door
And my brain I hate it the most I wish I could smash it into a million pieces Burn it to ash Do a million things I couldn’t name I would shout at the voices Stop breaking me Stop hurting me Stop controlling me Stop it before I go mad Before I go crazy Before I rip myself apart
Burn the rest of the body The whole thing was just a mess Imperfect Ugly Beyond repair No one cares for that thing Just throw it in the river already Let sink to the bottom And lay there for years Because no want that thing That ugly little husk
Aching, alone in the moonlight My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright. I drift numb through waves of sorrow, The desire to be weightless lures me further below. It's the calm before the storm of hunger Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.
Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt. Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos I idolize them, while my self hatred grows. My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.
I'm ravenous I don't care I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"
Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror. "You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers. Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree. I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.
As I drift forlorn to the open abyss I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss. The violent waves subside, Making me realize it's okay now if I die But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."
I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you My life it revolves The sun the stars the moon I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer Tears morph my body’s shape Blurred like spilled paint I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face I can’t breathe, so faster I try Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die But the most I do is cry.
I drift lonely, lonely for you You’re my depression, you’re my muse Self hatred claims my compass, So I follow it into the forest And loathe your loving, It infects me like fungus Now I’m lost and scared Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse
I idolize you and your flaws How you seem so free While around me forms a mist of misery A clouded conscious with what I made you my life Now I hate everything that I am, And nothing’s right Unmotivated, unsure I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am Still on my knees I pray to you, The blood slain of my own lamb. My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more I don’t know why I can’t end this war.