Here's the thing about destroying you life
Taking it apart one seem at a time
It seems like a great idea to just unravel and be free
Until the day repair becomes an option
But you've gone far into this rabbit hole
Taking everything from Xanax to addy, to oxy
You want your last days to be free and amazing
And then I met her
She told me she loved me for me
And my past
She said there wasnt a single thing she would change about me
Because what makes me happy is a apart of her happiness now
And broke me, and almost killed me
brought me to her
She patched me up and showed me life is adventure
Rocky a times with a couple turns
But for every dark hole there will be a warm beautiful beach
And to have that responds after years of self doubt and hate
Of years of mental abuse
And choosing to slowly poison my body until I couldn't feel
I felt
And I wanted to feel again
For the first time in my life I'm ready for the next day, and the next
And all of the days I get to spend with her
You'll never know what kind of state you found me in
I'm beyond glad we have each other now
Loving you has allowed me to have another chance at life
And I can't wait to spend every second of it with you my dear
I love you

Here we are again
In the same place i was in last year
I wish I could take it all back
Why do I entrust myself to people like you
Did you even listen to me
What about myself draws in people like yourself
So that I can rip that out
You lead me on
You promised me a brighter life
And then you took all my hope away
You broke me while I was already broken
Plain and simple
Why at my most fragile did I decide to let someone in
Ungrateful for myself
So here I stand alone again
Missing a piece that I'll never get back

I knew there was someone else
But I stayed
I stayed because you did
If you still loved me why would I leave?
It didn't bother me that we argued like lawyers in bed
Or that my anxiety rose when you came home
I thought that I had nothing to give you but love
And I gave it away willingly
Because I loved you
Anything you wanted I made it my life to get it for you
My sadness only made you angrier
My desolation began when you gave up on us
I wanted you to be happy
And I wanted to be the reason why you smiled

I knew there was someone else because you were happier without me
While I was lost in a world without you
Holding on to the single thread that still held us together
My only hope in life
You let go, and I went flying
Did you even notice when yours eyes began to freeze over when you looked at me
I wonder if you love her like you once loved me
Would she have stayed through all of the pain as well?

It feels like my eyes have just been opened
In this beautiful city, I am amazed
My old life seems to melt away and fly through the air above
The city with more history than us keeps me moving
I see your face in the harbor as a boat slowly passes by
Will I ever truly be free from this mental trap?
But tonight as I sit in the airport and watch people run by followed by a plan taking off
I realized something
We were always on different planes
Coming and going
Loving and hating
I feel free and and ready
Ready for what ever life is going to throw at me next

She was like white powder on my nightstand
She picked me up when I was feeling down
One inhale and I could feel her tingling through my body
Two inhales and Im gone
Gone away with her on this magical trip

In the dark i can find you anywhere
I know exactly were you are in space
Your breathing quickens
I need you so badly
Skin to skin yet not close enough
Can you feel my heart beating for you?
I can't focus on anything except for you
The way you keep looking at me
Makes me feel invincible and desirable
Theres a pain in my heart because I know the truth
Please don't let this feeling fade again

Its fine, Its all fine
I'll say it everyday
I'll say it when I misplace my wallet
I'll say ti when I stub my toe
I'll over say it when you leave me
Its all great and dandy
Finally feeling comfortable again with you and leave me
But its all fine
I'm still here
Stuck in an imaginary world where you still love me
Where your arms are open
And your soft lips are a smile on mine again
I think I'll miss you forever
And I'll always love you
But its fine
Its all ******* marvelous to me

How does one begin to say goodbye to someone they love
Someone they loves for centuries and received nothing in return
I know our hearts were drifting
But i never thought it would come to this
Standing miles apart
And looking at the same night sky
Do you remember the constellations I showed you years ago?
Do you remember when you said you would always love me?
Its strange now looking back on all those promises
We never thought the last time would be the last time
I never thought there would be a time when I couldn't hold your hand or kiss you
Yet here we are
You said I wasn't the right one for you anymore
Ans I suppose I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want me anymore
But as I breathe in the stale night
I still want to be with you
I want to hold on to what was lost years ago
I want the lies to comfort me
I want you
You didn't even say goodbye
I guess I wasn't that important to you
But you were my north star in the darkest times
and now its pitch black
Without even a trail to follow

The emptiness that comes to me
Doesn't come when the sun shines
It comes when the night stars litter the sky
Where the darkest souls come out to play
That is when the desolation of my soul begins
Burning memories remind me of where I am
Lost in the past, while drowning in the future
What future could be placed on this obscure void
Glimmering moments of ecstasy slip through the holes
Seconds of bliss show what could be
To be content
Before the flood of hopelessness and despair return

I want to let go of everything
All of my stress and worries
Put them in a jar and let them go
Drop it into the ocean and watch it drift away
All the pain and struggles I endured
All the suffering and loneliness gone
But it always returns
Stronger and wiser
It feeds on my pain and discomfort
It leaves me with only one thing to do
Pick up the bottle
With its sharp and pointed ends
And let it cut the life out of me
Taking away the pain for the last time
The ocean tented with my story shines like crimson

I just want it to end
All the pain
And sorrow and agony
To lay down burden free
To slumber forever

She's looking at me and I can feel it everywhere
I can feel my hair standing on end
My stomach is swimming

She's touching my hand and I'm thinking
I'm thinking about how soft she is
And where her hands should be..

She's biting her lips as she looks at me
She wants me
And I want her
Because she's giving me the look

Time


Is the worst enemy to have

Time

kills
heals

**** time

I feel so lost
To far gone to feel pain
I'd give anything to feel something
Besides this nothingness
But my heart has stopped beating
The beating has stopped leaving me hollow and silent
Alone

I'm always alone
It's so quiet in my body
the ticking of my brained has slowed
All thoughts have escaped me
Except the thoughts of her
They are always there dancing

Dancing in my mind like the wind
She lives in my body
She moves through my veins
And pulls at my heart
She pulls at my shallow heart and shatters what's left
And leaves me with nothing
Nothing but memories
Memories of her

As day falls and the night rises from the dead once again
A new light is burning
I look at you and see the sunset in your face
And my heart stops beating
Never have I felt this way about you
Or anyone else like you
My eyes never wanting to leave your face
Begin to watch the decaying day

Each color falling into one another
As my heart falls into yours
I can't believe the thoughts running through my head
Everything is changing
There is nothing more i would love than to stay
Here with you forever

We're sitting so close I can feel your body heat radiating
You are my warmth on this cool night in the twilight
With self control falling to pieces
I reach out and stroke your face
Soft as clouds, I can feel you blushing under my hand
Your hand slowly running through my hair

So unsure, yet so confident
I know in my heart this is right
This is how it is suppose to be
How it is suppose to be

Your soft sweet breath blows on my neck as you say the words burning my tongue
My hands glide up and down, find you in the dark
Our cautious lips meet  
Soft and sweet
That turns to raw passion
I can feel my entire body aching for you

A giggle of excitement escapes my mouth as we come up for air
Never have I felt this way before
I just hope you feel the same way

8/11/12

I lay in bed trying to replay the night in my mind
The way her lips moved from lips to my neck
How her hands explored the familiar territory of my mind

I try to turn it off and sleep but
Then I remember how she kisses my stomach in just the right spot
Her curls falling over my sides softly kissing me
I remember her hands holding my hands in place

Rolling over I close my eyes tighter and try to clear my mind
And then I think of how she gives me that stare as she climbs my body
Her nails lightly grazing up my inner thigh  
Her silent moans fill the room

She's forever on replay in my mind
Her angelically devious smile she gives me when she knows I want more
The way her eyes glow green with excitement
The way her eyes radiate when I try to hold it in
Pure ecstasy

How could I stop thinking of her
Until once again I'm back in her arms
Begging for more

Have you seen me?
I've been gone for a while
I died last week while you were away
Nothing left but my empty body for you to scream at
Have you ever seen you?
I've been piercing the air with my pain
How do you not notice how I feel
Gone without a trace
Were you ever there
Did you ever love me?
I loved you more than my next breath
Did you see me?
When I finally realized who I was and who I am?
It's okay if you didn't
Because it has nothing to do with you anymore

She is always running though my
mind?
Running away from
me?
She's so close to me
Yet so far away
I reach out to grab her hand
And fall
down
to my own
destruction

It's small and white
It fits perfectly in my pleading hands

It's calling to me
Begging me to fail

Self control?
Gone.

Numbness takes over
Everything is lost

Pain is irrelevant
But needed

The silver flash cuts flesh
releases pain and agony

Rivers of red flow smoothly onto the floor
Collecting and turning into oceans  

Stop?
Why?

Never.

This is when the world makes sense
When nothing exist except she and I
Here in this moment I can swim to the bottom of the ocean
I can fly into space
I can climb the tallest mountain
But none of that matters when I here with you
You are the single thread holding me to Earth
Without you life would be irrelevant
Floating through the days, and drowning through the nights
All I could ask for in life
Is to lay in your arms forever
Breathing in your scent of security
To trace the molds of life on your face
To be here with you
Is all I want

Come follow me where nothing matters but you and I. We could be together, and nothing could separate us. Follow me under the waves into the dark world that lies below. Let go of everything and everyone, and follow me where light dares not go.

We could be the light of our new world, and fill every inch with love. We could live where time stands still, where there is no haste.

Don't think of the cold. Just close your eyes and take my hand. Take my hand and walk with me to the waves and leave this erratic world behind. Worry not of the past or the future, just here and now.

Follow me into a world that knows no endings or beginnings. Come with me and discover the peace the silence.

We all process information differently
I'm not heartless
And I'm not cold
There was a switch I will agree
But I've learned and I've grown
Life lessons that have cut me, broken me
But has yet to killed me
I won't thank you for ripping me apart
Although putting myself back together has been an adventure
That has lead me to bounteous places
Filled with magnificently bizarre people
However I will thank you for releasing me
My walls have collapsed, and my mind has expanded
I hope one day you'll grow as well
Until then I must say goodbye for now

There is something untrustworthy of a man with a half untucked shirt
Walking the late night streets with diamond dew on his heels
You asked with the essence of liquor on your breathe
If you could show me something
I said no
You heard yes
And now I walk alone
Tears running and mixing with the red gore of life
Broken and used
Stumbling helplessly home
I can still feel the inferno burning inside of me
What was seized and what was deposited are one now
Why me?
Why now?
Only four more miles until home
There is something so untrustworthy of life

The emptiness that comes to me
Doesn't come when the sun shines
It comes when the night stars litter the sky
Where the darkest souls come to play
That is when the desolation of my soul begins
Burning memories remind me of where I am
Lost in the past, while drowning in the future
What future could be placed in this obscure void
Glimmering moments of ecstasy slip through the holes
Seconds of bliss show what could be
To be content
Before the flood of hopelessness returns again

You know that moment when you realize everything is just one big ******* joke
We make promises, we declare love, we fight and we lose..
But when will we break from this cycle and create change
Or is change just a strain of hope that falls from the violet and silent universe
Will I ever get you out of my head
Did you move on
And what's next?
What would you want next in life when everything will be ripped away in the end
Relationships fail, people lie, and death fills the air
What could be next?
Maybe a small connection will ignite the strain of hope and bring light back
Maybe you'll mean nothing to me some day
But why wait for something that will never happen.

You were suppose to be my friend
Someone that I could count on
Someone that was going to be looking out for me always
But you weren't
You dumped pill after pill into my hands
And darkness into my heart
You promised to make my life better
But I could have lost it with you
I wonder if you even see what you are doing to others
You pass by without a care in the world
If only you knew how much you hurt everyone
How much you hurt me
I'm sure you don't
But I'm sure you wouldn't care either
And with that I must pay you ado
I would rather love myself then lose myself again
Thanks tho... for everything

All I wanted was to party
To loose myself for a couple of days
To let go of everything that has been piling up on my life
But instead i made my life even worse
I took some of this with that
And did I mention the free drinks
But hours in I met my match and it was all over
He said I was nice, and that I was funny
He also gave me drinks
And soon I couldn't even remember my own name
Let alone scream for help when he attacked me
It only took a couple of minutes and it was done
Taken away from me while I was loosing myself
Why didn't I think that would happen?
Because I didn't think that I could be hurt by anything anymore
But I was

How do I explain to people what this feels like
This feeling of wanting it all to end
I never wanted to be apart of this
All I've wanted is to feel full
This empty feeling has been pulling me down
I can't stand on my own anymore
But all you can see is my smile
A smile that I practice everyday
My laugh is full of desperation
All I want to do is lay down and die

I can't

think
breathe
live
love

when it comes to you
it all must end
please let me go
My soul cant detach

I saw you today
You didn't seem different
Yet my mind has imaged and remembered you in a strange manner
You still were the same height as me
Same hair
And if I had been in front of you
I'm sure I would have seen that your eyes were the same
But I'v changed so much
Do you know that?
But then again you didn't see me

Sitting in a room filled with a thousand girls
All nervous and anxious to meet their new futures
Whats your name?
Whats your major?
Normal and only inquiry asked from hesitant lips
My surroundings are wavering and changing with every second
I am a numberless count
Enclosed by hundreds
Speak to me heart, and you'll have me
Diversity, love and values matching me to my new home
The need for belonging after years of rejection
I now pledge my heart to you
To love for devotion
My days are no longer just myriad and empty
Laughter mixed with loyalty binds me to you
You are not the sun that I orbit
But the moon that shines in my darkest hours
To accept an invitation among the stars is to join a constellation of illuminated descendants that watch over and protect

I am much too tired for life
drugs and alcohol make it easier
*******
I said I was sorry
I said that I'd always be there for you
But just not in the way you needed me
God why does everything have to be about ***?
I didn't know that I was a demon
******* the soul from your life
I never meant to hurt you
I want to be alone
Where I can hurt no one
And no one can hurt me
I wish I could have been smarter
I wish that I could have been stronger
God just please stop ignoring me
I'll always love you with all of my heart
It's been months but I forgive you
Can you do the same?
It's almost been a year now, and I still think of you
******* you ******* miss me
I'm so unstable

Its like watching the landscapes from a fast moving car
Unable to stop
to spot, or to focus
Why jump from a moving bus
when you can just wait for it to run out of gas
Because whats the point in waiting for the end

I waited for you
I waited for you to make a move
To show me that you wanted me to stay
But you didn't budge
You swore I would leave you
You reminded me everyday that I was a runner
That I was within fight or flight
"You won't stay anyway"
You told me
And after hearing that everyday
I knew I had to go
How could I stay with someone who never thought I could plant my feet
That I would never mean what I say
When I said I love you
We were born from lust and greed
Did you ever trust me
Did I ever trust you
Did you ever believe that I would stay
For you
That I could have been the one
The one who stayed for once
The one I fought for until the end
Of course not
Why would you.

I am so weak today
I can't keep your name out
You're alive today in me
I miss you so much
Do you even think of me anymore
I can't remember you at night
Like a foggy morning
Unable to see the light through the mist
Is that you
Can hear my voice
I'm calling for you

The walls change from blue to green
And fade away with the morning sun
Every night they return
And so does she
The one who ruined it all
The creeping woman from the yellow wallpaper
She loves to bathe in salty water
Puddles of tears and sobbing oceans
These walls remind me of a time when the morning sun distant
Like my memories of you

Am I having an out of body experience?
I don't know what's happening
I think I remember what happened
God I shouldn't have taken so much
Why do I dance on life like this
Will I be okay?
I hope not
Are you okay
By now, probably
Sometimes I remember you
And I miss you
I still hate you with all of my heart
But do I still love you?
"You didn't use to do that"
No I didn't
How did you notice that
Something so small and invisible
You saw something in me
You noticed
I did change
You changed me
And I'll never be the same

I can't breathe
Let me breathe
There isn't air anymore
I can't breathe
No one hears me
I have such soft screams
But I'm still screaming
I'm still a person
I think I should stop
That's my problem
I never know when to stop
Why can't I make decisions
Sure I'll do that since you suggested it
Who am I?
I am the walrus
Yup I'm gone
And it's so late
remember when we use to stay up all night
I think about that all the time
I can't get back on my schedule
I need to just let it go
But I can't
How many sunrises did we watch together
How many cigarettes did we smoke
How much closer were we
to each other
to death
And now I've run out of air
Maybe that's why we didn't sleep
Because we knew our time was numbered
You say you saw this coming
I really didn't to everyone's dismay
I thought I was making a choice
And then I couldn't do it
But I couldn't do it now either
I can't keep jumping person to person
You both should have left
I wanted that
But I'm afraid to be alone
I'm afraid of myself
And I'm afraid of the dark
silence is my biggest fear
And my farthest goal
I miss my clocks
I miss cat
And I miss you
I can't believe I don't remember what you smell like anymore
That's ****** up
Can I smell you
or is that a no
I'm suppose to be learning how to read social cues from people now
I can't only have one emotion they said
More like all of them combined
I think I've lost it
Dude you broke me
But its okay
I like this
Broken means I don't have to worry about breaking
Maybe you were right
It wouldn't be the first time

I'm sorry
I say that a lot
especially to you
I'm sorry
I've hurt you
I've lost you
I'm sorry that I miss you
I need to let you go
But I can't
You let me go first
I can't do this anymore
I love you
I loved you
This is awful
She's still there
But what about me
I want happiness with both of you
And why do I need all of these meds
To forget you
To forget her
To ease the pain
To slip away forever
You ******* broke me
And then left me
You spat in my face when I needed you the most
I know I broke your heart
I'm sorry
But can't you see I'm bleeding out
Look at me
I imprisoned myself
I locked you out
I'm sorry
But you never had the key

What is beauty?
Is it the way you look?
How you dress
The way you hold yourself in front of others?
Or is it something you're just born with?

You could be told a thousand times over how beautiful you are
But it only takes one time to ruin your self image
Only once do you need to hear about beauty

She tells you she loves you
She tells you you're perfect
And she tells you you're beautiful

But now things are different
You notice how your body looks for the first time
Bones protruding from every spot
A stomach that concaves back inside your body
Hip bones that could be used as knives

Once you thought your curves were perfect
A place that perfectly fits her hands
Arms long enough to hold her face
And legs that could wrap around her and still have room for more

Mirrors seem to show a different you
Full you has disappeared and dissolved
Like smoke in the night
Reflections shows nothing but a sketch with dead eyes

What is beauty?
Something that I don't have

She is kind
She is loving
She is caring
She is silly
She is gentle
She is beautiful
She is my rock in stormy weather
She is a hand to hold and steady my world
She is the heart beating in my body
She is the voice telling me to keep going
She is the fire burning in my veins
She is a pearl in an oyster of a world
She is a rose among thorns
She is love
She is whole
She is everything I need
And she is mine

Wave after wave
I am drowning
God I hate you
Pull a gun to the gods head
Shot me back to earth
And drown me in sorrow

I heard your voice last night
It was faint but it was there
Was it my meds calling to me
pRoBaBlY
But it sounded like you
And with open ****** arms I reached out to you
Forgetting all of the pain
Forgetting all of the hatred
I never meant to hurt you
And I know you never meant to hurt me
It doesn't matter now
But if I go now please know
I reached out to you
I reached for you with my last breath

I closed my eyes today
The wind was blowing
And the sun was bright as ever
Your favorite type of day
And in that moment I thought of you again
Could you feel the warmth of life
Did you decide to live?
Are your eyes closed
Arms out stretched
Palms to the gods
Can you feel what its like to live
Without me
Without you
Today was a good day
Without you

She was the first drops of rain on a spring morning
And I was the hurricane on a late summer night

The way she moved with such ease through me
She was the light in the dark

She burned all night, but not for herself
I was love drunk

A wild storm swinging free
I could protect you from the outside

Hide you away from it all
The eye of my storm

In the end all storms must either move on
Or die out

I couldn't die out with you
I was so scared

You were the drizzle that started it all
And I was the hurricane that ended it

Do you want to know how it feels?
What it's like to see through my eyes?
Imagine being so happy one minute
You're surrounded by friends
Laughter and smiles warm you before the chill
That ice cold feeling like something is deathly wrong
You can't breath
Should I sit here and wait it out?
Will they notice?
Here it comes, the hills in your stomach
Behind a close door you sit on the floor
Counting
1,2,3...
It wont last forever and you know
But God in the moment everything is wrong
7,8,9,10....
How can you escape this fear?
Should I just end it all now?
Nothing is worth this much pain
20, 21, 22,23
Can they hear me panting?
Just don't throw up
Hold it in
It's almost over now
35, 36, 37, 38
Still think I'm perfect?

I can't control this anymore
The sadness is finally gone
But the after taste is still on my tongue
Will it return
And if it does will you
I can see my happiness in my hands
But is that what I even want
It's what everyone wants right?
So whats wrong with me?

It's been a while now since I've talked you
I still have not heard your voice in years it feels
I'm letting you go
But I still think about you
Do you still think of me?
I wonder when I wont think of you anymore
Until you are nothing more than a memory
But right now I can still see your eyes
How bright they were
But how dead you were inside
You were something else
A race against time
But I no longer can fight the good fight
You have stand up on your own
We would have been great together you said
Would we?
I don't think so
You bring someone else out of me
And I don't know if I like her
You can hate me all you want
But I did what was best for us
We would have died together
A slow and painless death
Why will you only die for me?
That was the only way I could be with you
To live I have to be
Be worth it and live
Because life goes on

It finally happened
But it needed to happen
Where did you go?
I'm so sorry
Sorry that I ever met you
We could never be friends could we?
Were we ever friends?
I'm glad it happened
I couldn't have done it
And neither could you
But this was our escape
Finally we can be free
I've learned so much from you
But I can't take your pain forever
And I can't be in pain forever
I'll always remember you
Will you please
For me
Remember me
Not as the girl that ruined it all
Or Jessie's girl
But as me
The me you fell in love with

I've thought of so many different ways to forget you
I wouldn't say you name anymore
The color blue was erased from my memory
Tragic love stories seemed happy in comparison
But I couldn't do it
How could I let you go
I know that I had a choice
And to you I didn't pick fair
But I didn't know that it would end like this
Blocking and avoiding
Hiding and worrying
Are you okay
Am I okay
I miss you
Not so that I can use you to vent
And not because I didn't have anyone else
I miss you because I miss you
I didn't mean it before when I said we were strangers
I know you, and I know you know me
I miss your sighs and smiles
Even your cat voice
Im so sorry that I didn't stay
But I couldn't
If you would just let me be the best friend you've ever had
We can fix this
I never meant to hurt you but
These violent delights have violent ends
And I understand that I ****** up
But all I'm asking is for you
All I want is my best friend back
The who knows I will aways be there for her
Im sorry thats all I can give
And I know it might not be enough
But all I'm asking for is a chance
A chance to show you I haven't changed
That Im still me
Just the me before all of this happened
So I guess this might be my last saving grace