Tired, hurting, wanting to SI... just trying to get through the 'moment' and then the next one, and the next one....and on and on and on...and I find myself flat on my stomach, lying on the bathroom floor, lost and alone...

On the bathroom floor, with a razor in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, feeling no pain while watching blood drip down one's wrist...all while watching the scene take place while outside one's body.

****** abuse in itself is not the worst crime. No. The aftermath is. The invisible **** that happens over and over again every time you close your eyes.  That shiver that runs down your spine whenever someone places a hand on your shoulder or jumps out and shouts "boo" at you. They way you hold your keys between your knuckles every time you have to walk alone at night. The way your heart races when you are home alone and hear a noise in the house. No the actually act alone isn't the worst. The worst is feeling unsafe in every aspect of everything you will ever do. The worst is smelling his cologne everywhere you go. Sensing his presence when you know you are alone. The worst is breathing everyday. Just breathing when all you want to do is stop.

The worse is how your body decays in every spot that he touched even years after. I am rotting from the inside out. He injected dirt into my veins like a drug.

The worst is scrubbing until your skin is raw, until the water runs cold, yet still being consumed in filth. The worst is how one act, done by one person, over a length of time can so alter everything about you. Like my DNA has been rewritten. The worst thing is how it replays in your mind like a broken record that continues to skip.

Or how small it makes you feel, so powerless.  Such a greatness of nothing.and how that nothing consumes you. Then you wonder how being nothing can be so vast.  How feeling like nothing can become something that lasts forever.

The worst is trying to believe that your body is anything more then a wasteland when you know that that's all it ever is, and was, and ever will be. Daring to think that maybe you are beautiful and  deserving of more and having the mirror tell you that that is a lie.

No ****** abuse in itself is not the worst crime. The worst is how that one act wipes away everything that you are like an eraser on a chalk board and now all you are is the things that have happened. Now I am pain. I am hurt. I am the cuts on my skin.

The worst is feeling like you are lying every time you say that you are more then what he made you.

I'm so scared! I need someone to hold my hand tonight...

I have so many things swirling around in my head right now – SO many feelings I cannot even begin to name. I feel safer writing than sitting and I am unable to talk about them. I am living in crippling fear…unable to sleep, unable to eat…and fighting with everything inside of me to get through each night. And it’s too much tonight…so much I want to talk, there’s so much to say…but she won’t let me talk. I’m scared. It’s overwhelming me tonight, I cannot breathe and I am poised and ready for flight now.

Nights like tonight…there have been a lot of them…I would reach out to DT and beg him to help me, just to get through this moment…and he would comfort me and tell me that I am okay…but I can’t hear him now. I know I should be able to do this. I am an adult…but I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a scared little girl- living for others at the expense of my own needs.

I want someone  to hold my hand tonight because it is crushing me and I am afraid…

I need it to stop for awhile. I can throw it all in a bucket during the day and I can dazzle the world…so why does it have to hurt so bad at night? Why can’t I make it stop? It's like a pressure cooker...and I can 'contain' it and deflect, and divert attention, but it is bubbling over tonight and scalding me!

What happened? I just want to be okay…I just want it to stop.

So here it is…I am a shadow of NitaAnn – a shadow of my former self- the Nita most people know and love. Certain parts of me that are so lacking now…energy, drive, stamina… I am so tired all the time. I have spent the past 2 months thinking I can outrun it. But I cannot. I can hide it away from everyone else but I cannot outrun it.

I do not sleep anymore. The husband tells me I constantly whimper and cry in my sleep.  And I wake up multiple times a night in the middle of a panic attack. I cannot sleep without being terrorized - I get that it is irrational – and the logical side of my brain tells me that, but the paranoid side is tipping the scales these days…I am not in control really. All the drive and spirit and strength and determination that I used to have has been drained from me.

I feel crazy. I am paranoid. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am in the dark place every single night. I just need something to renew my courage and determination. But it just seems like everything is a temporary ray of sunshine in the darkness. Every night is scary...every night a potential set back into self injury hell.

I keep having these panic attacks...I feel dizzy and flushed – nausea that I try to breathe through so I do not *****. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere – and I have to stop in the middle of something, grab the wall and just try to breathe. It happens during the day to now not just at night, but I do not tell anyone. I know I need help – but I cannot ask for help...I am too embarrassed. This is not me. I do not know who this is...she has been around way too long – and that makes me scared that she is me forever.

                I cannot do this anymore tonight...the scary movies have  
                                            started....Where are you?

Today I am watching a loved one pass from life into eternity. My heartaches as I see the man whom I loved that was once so strong and full of life dwindling away. Wishing I could trade places with him. I would gladly give him my remaining days. He has so many that love him and rely on him.

Death I see you coming...I only wish it was for me.

To most I seem so strong ~ but I cry myself to sleep every night

Last night, after everyone was safely tucked into bed, alone in the quiet darkness, I cried from the overwhelming feelings of what I can only describe as hopelessness.

Not the "oh, that's so sad I could cry" kind of hopelessness...it was open the floodgates the dam has broken SOBBING...tears pouring out of me, nose running, eyes swollen and bloodshot. And once it started it did not stop for hours.  

Today in addition to the swollen and bloodshot eyes I have had a nauseating headache from all the crying last night and I feel drained and empty.  

Today I feel angry for the 6 month old left in an apartment to die.

Today I feel terribly sad for that little girl who did nothing wrong but was beaten and ***** and broken.

Today I feel so much rage for that angry teenager who will not allow her to reach out or feel any sort of comfort.

Today I feel despondent for the girl who has continued to hurt herself and repeat what was done to her because she cannot find another way.

Today I feel rage for the girl who cannot live in her body because it doesn't feel right or safe.

Today I feel sad for the woman who is overwhelmed with feelings of shame and unable to express her feelings because she cannot trust.

Today I feel sorry for the woman who tried to outrun the pain, the memories, the shame because she couldn't.

Today I feel sorrow for the woman who continues to feel tormented by her past to the point of hopelessness....and I feel angry because she can't escape her own prison of fear and she cannot allow anyone else in to help.

I don't feel well tonight...I am freezing cold, my head is throbbing and it continues to make me nauseous.  I am not doing well...and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the unresolved health issues.  I cannot have another night like last night...it was bad.  

I know..wwwaaaahhhh!  Break out the violins!  Get a Grip Girl! Ain't no one going to do it for you, or even co-pilot!

“How shameful and absurd it is for the spirit to surrender when the body is able to fight on.”* ~ Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

His words resonate through me tonight, like many nights before…I am borrowing the Emperor’s words tonight to express how I feel. I feel like my soul was murdered a long time ago. My body is here – as ****** up as it is – my heart still beats – but my body is empty, void of a soul.

I have no fight left in me now.  My heart is still beating...but I'm no longer here.

I wish I could explain why I had to do this. I wish I could make you understand. The pain I have endured, has become too much...I can not seem to find a way to cope. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I love you and know that this will hurt now but with time you will be able to move on. Sorry.

Tonight's journey is brought to you courtesy of demons old and new.

Memories of abuse and torment that happened years ago but seen like yesterday.

I close my eyes and I feel your touch, I hear your voice, and I smell your cologne.

Please don't the little girl pleads. I hurt so...not tonight, Daddy.

My pleas, just encourage you to be more violent. Roughly taking what you claim as yours.

When you finished, I lie there ******, softly crying. My tears anger you as you tell me to stop or you will give me a reason to cry.

This occurs night after night. Then it happened in reality now I relive those nights in my dreams.

During every stage of life
I am a failure
Stupid,stuttering child
Always messing up
Probably never going to succeed
Pointless to try anymore
Over life as it is
In a dark place
Never anybody's first choice
Totally incompetent
Miserable
Exiting stage left
Nobody cares
Time to quit.

I haven’t been sleeping well for over a week…Nightmares, tossing, turning – it comes in waves I can sleep for a few nights – then it starts again. The tossing and turning – I can’t lie on my side because my hips & chest hurt, so I try to lie on my back – but then I feel like something is crushing me and I can’t breathe…and I toss and turn back and forth – for hours.

Sometimes I cry and try to talk to myself, tell myself that it’s okay to cry, that it will pass, and I’ll be okay – I try to forget the pain in my hips and my chest- remind myself where I am, repeat my address...I’m a grown up now. This is my house, and I’m okay.

Sometimes I lie down in the guest room and open the window to feel the cool air on my body and listen to the sounds outside. Other times I lie on the floor in the bathroom, feel the cool tile on my face.

Sometimes I fall asleep but then I wake up, startled, from a dream…sometimes I can remember the dreams, sometimes not. But it’s been a really long week, and I’m really tired. I am sooooo tired. And nothing is working now. I’m so tired. And I can’t sleep.

And the lack of sleep exacerbates everything else. The anxiety, the anger, the panic and fear. And there’s no relief…no help. My problem, I get it – at night when everything happens it’s just me here – by myself. No one else. My problem. My issues…all mine – I own it. Me. No one else’s problem – why bother even talking anymore.

I don't even bother calling DT for help anymore - because really - it doesn't matter. It just "is" and nothing can be done about it. And maybe I'll get a "good" night soon - a night where I actually sleep...a night with no body memories or nightmares, no panic attacks or anxiety, no voices, no SI...and then maybe that will be enough to get through another few nights of hell. Maybe - Maybe not.

Just "riding the waves" as you say, DT - I won't call - I won't ask for an "extra" session or bother you on your weekend off. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. I've ridden the waves for 40 years now! BY MYSELF! Has it gotten any less turbulent? Um, no - so again, I have to ask the question: Why ******* bother? I sure don't have an answer to that question, do you?

And I wish I had the courage to STOP all of it. But I don't today...and even if I had the courage - I don't have the energy.

Looking forward
Towards a better tomorrow.

A day when I have a better outlook
A day when I feel no pain
A day when life seems less hurtful
A day when I am not plagued with nightmares
A day when I am not afraid
A day when being happy comes naturally.

I am looking forward.

God~ Help me remember that no matter what the crisis, no matter how much pain, and no matter how hopeless, Your goal is to always bring me closer to You. I don't know who or what will cross my path today. But I do know that You are my Rock and my Fortress. Anchor me to You today. Teach me how to stand strong in You and choose Your way today. Help me to walk by Your truth and not my feelings. Help me to embrace anything that comes my way as an opportunity to see You at work and as an opportunity to point others to You. Thank You that You love me and nothing can ever take that away from me! Even if I fail today and fall short, You whisper Your unconditional love deep in my soul.

***...I am not well…I cannot keep up…I plug one leak and another has sprung somewhere else – my crazybrain is out of control…it is tiring.
I am forever waiting for a “better day”.
Tomorrow I will feel better...Tomorrow will be a better day…What if tomorrow never comes?
Like I said I am not well…I cannot keep up... I am about done.

What I want is to be a little girl who is loved
          instead of abused
A little girl who laughs
          instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid
A little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings
          instead of the man who visits each night to ******
A little girl who lives with a family that is kind,
          and has dinners together and plays together

But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...
          instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just  
         want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have.
To make things right.

                                     **But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!

I have a terrible uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning. I have tried to distract myself but it won’t go away. So I am now pretending I am invisible, non-existent. When I am invisible it’s easy to feel nothing…to be nothing. I don’t want to feel today. I want all of what I feel to fall into the Bermuda triangle never to be found again. I can’t even find safety in writing today. Today, even writing feels too vulnerable, too exposed. I feel that if I were to write my true feelings, put what’s really going through my crazybrain in words that they will be read by someone who will thwart my plans.

I have asked for help, I have reached out, laid myself bare for someone else to witness. I have sat in silence.  I have exposed the ugly truth of the past and the pain of reliving the past in the present…and still no one will help me with it. I have been vulnerable in the face of pain. I have screamed out loud and I have screamed silently inside my head. I have tried to express my feelings and needs in different ways. I have allowed myself to reach out in ways I have never done before. And yet here it is, the mess that is me…shattered on the floor in a million pieces, just as it was last month, last year, 10 years ago…all the way back to when I was an unfertilized egg.

I have listened and I have been open to new ideas and techniques. I have listened to someone condescendingly tell me, "I can only imagine the pain you feel" and tell me I have "courage" and "I am honored to be your witness" (all ******* cliché responses).  I’ve paid my hard-earned money for a therapeutic technique I knew would not work. I have tried to mirror the good and understand the bad. I have tried to nurture the little girl and soothe the angry one. I have distracted and half-smiled for over a year.  And it is all still here.  All of it...the nightmares, the SUI thoughts, the burning desires to SI.  

I'm tired of being told what I can and cannot do with my feelings while not giving me other options...words like "I see you struggling" mean nothing and are actually patronizing and demeaning.  Would you tell someone who was drowning the same thing? Or would you throw them a life vest?

I am no longer going to do it someone else’s way. No one listens to me so I am done listening to them. I am tired of trying to explain the reality of the ghosts who haunt and torture me and being met with only disbelief and “it’s not that bad”. So I have skillfully constructed my own plan and I have placed my carefully drawn plans into a black satin box and tied the box with ribbon the color of blood. And my plan will stay there, cushioned by the soft warm velvet until late this evening, when the moon is high and the night wind howls...then I will untie the ribbon, open the box, and expose the inside to the cruel reality of the world.