I lay here,
Exhausted from the work,
Not knowing why I do it,
But someone along the way said it would be worth it.
I ask what is worth,
Living your life as a silhouette?
They silence me and say, pay your dues, pay your dues.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say,
Everyone else is thinking,
So say it,
And maybe,
We can all stop paying for something that was given to us far before we knew the value of a dollar.

You walked into my life
Disguised as
Liquid, pills and powder
You walked into my life
and you took
Everything

I woke up today not thinking about anything,
or that's how it felt at first.
I moved my hand,
and it was as though it belonged to someone else.
I looked at this foreign part of my body,
and closed my eyes.
My heart pounded inside of me,
I can't get out.

My eyes are still wet from where you used to be,
I'm not sure they'll ever be dry.
The only way I think I could accept the fact you're gone,
Is if you come back.
So I beg of you,
In a dream,
Tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I loved you,
And it's taken me this long to see,
The past years of my life have been passing by,
racing by.
I'm standing at the train stop,
Watching as each comes to pass,
Not actually stepping on,
Just letting the breeze it brings touch my hair and dishevel me.
Much like how I describe you and I,
We never really made the leap,
We were never really going anywhere.

I can't think of a reason why I love you,
But I think that's exactly why I do.  
I'm not sure how something could be,
Certain yet so uncertain simultaneously.

... I'm willing to silence all but one question to walk with you.

             Will you hold my hand?

An escape plan
to leave the world behind
to leave and never return
to rid the red
to paint my own mural
soft blues
grey hues
purple
splashes of white.

To think, I might,
escape.

I'm sitting here.
Here seems to be the place I come often, to think.
Today I'm sitting here thinking about what I think about too often.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
The pieces of me that thought I was were given as parting gifts to all the ones I used to love, the ones I loved too much, the ones that loved my love.
The ones who's egos were fed with my love, thrived off my love, and simply existed because of my love.
I was tricked into thinking I was your lifeline, until you left and I realized,
you still had a healthy heartbeat and I was the only one hanging in the balance.

Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to **** me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.
Richard Siken

Sometimes I just feel like I’m destined to be alone.
To travel the world and let my mind be the only love of my life.
I feel trapped inside of myself trying to be understood but not willing to put myself out there enough to let anyone.
I’m not sure why.
I don’t feel like I need anyone,
I don't feel like anyone needs me.

Did
I
do
the
right
thing?

I’m not sure if you are meant to be mine,
but something inside of me is willing to wait.

I’ve never felt this before,
this calmness.

I know if I push,
you will not be ready,
you will not be healed.

I want all of you, forever,
not some of you now.

So I will wait until the sun shines in your bedroom again,
until the air re-enters your lungs once you’re finally breathing.
I will be waiting for you when you are reborn,
and you can be in comfort knowing:
you will never have to go through that alone again.

Knees weak
I walked so far to find you
And you walked right past

before i met you
i deserved better
now,
you do.

I still am terrified of the flames
I've always been
But maybe if you held my hand
I wouldn't be.

It's ironic really,
How you like me because I don't want anything from you,
Yet all you do is take from me.

I said goodbye to happiness a long time ago in hopes
It would come back to me
But I've learnt
once you say goodbye to something
even if it comes back
It's never the same.

I replay that night more times than I'd like
I kiss you in my mind more times than I care to count
And all I'm left with at the end of the day
Is this pit in my stomach missing you
And the feeling I can't do anything about it
You're out of my control
And that is the most frustrating thing I've had to accept
That we could work out in an alternate world
The one where you would want to try
The one where you would love me
The one that isn't this one
The one that I'd rather

I thought I knew myself in the city but everything I knew turned out to be everything I hated
Now I'm just alone and a shell of who I used to be
Staring at the streetlights
Hoping they will guide me home

Sometimes I think I'm helping make you happy
But then I remember
I don't know what that word means

Terrifying
Is one word
To describe
My love for you

I really thought I was something more to you
That's all I'm ever chasing
More
I never seem to be enough.
I never seem to have the answers.
What is love?
Will I ever find it?

I'm in a race with myself and I'm not winning.

As fast as you were remembered
You were forgotten

You're not the one

Looking for stability
I can't seem to stand
Won't someone around me
Just please hold my hand

i know something doesn't feel right,
you know it's got to feel right.

i wish it felt right,
but no one ever taught you how to wish.

so maybe that's why I'm still here
and maybe that's why you're not.

just as the flowers on my bedside died,
so did we.

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

I'm confused
Beat down
Broken
Breathless.
Try to be real
In an incredibly fake world
And as a reward
You receive
Nothing.

Taking it slow is one
Type of relationship
But what do you call
Not moving at all?

Just when I think I'm fine,
You reach out,
Pull me in ,
and I remember what it was like when you were mine.
I want to go back,
but turning around has always proven pointless,
the ending is always the same.
There are books I would love to re-read,
but you are not one of them.

The hole in your heart just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
The further we get,
the lower we go,
and the less hope we have of recovering.
The last time I risked it all,
I ended up empty.
This time I'm playing it safe.
I placed my bet and it wasn't enough,
goodbye and good luck.

Why do I think I loved you,
When I didn't even like you?
I find all of the reasons I can to hate you:
Your condescending humor,
Your manipulating smile,
The way you made me feel small, smaller than I've ever felt before.
All of these are real reasons,
Valid reasons,
Truthful reasons,
But I think the biggest reason,
The saddest, and really only reason,
is that you didn't love me back.

Your lips touched mine
and just in time
I pulled away.
I almost fell,
but the thought of you catching me
scared me half to death.
Just because your lips are filled with good intentions,
doesn't mean your heart is too.

How can I please you?
How can I please you?
How can I please you?

By losing myself.

Sometimes,
when you look close enough,
you can find tears in the eyes of your heroes.

Right when we get close you're ripped away.
The tears I have can't show the hurt in my heart,
They aren't enough.
The pain I feel will never be exposed for others to see,
They wouldn't know what to do with it.
Trouble is,
Neither do I.

I see the stars in your eyes and I forget,
That this is what darkness looks like.

The tears that fall on these blank pages will remain
unseen
unheard
and unjustified.
I'll only know of the pain that brought them about,
and the source of their infidelity to my heart.
Only in thought are we not alone,
but only in sharing our thoughts can we cure our sickness.
I'm weak,
all I want to do is shut down,
People are counting on me,
People are counting on me.
So I speak.

I'm just a cloud in a dark sky and
The only stars I see are in your eyes
The more I stare,
The darker I become.
I said I didn't want to lose myself but,
I feel like getting lost in you would be worth while.

You were the closest that I had gotten to loving someone else,
And I pushed you away.
How I wish you would have pushed back,
And how I wish you would have stayed.

Your eyes are about as sharp as the knife I always imagined piercing myself with.
So look away,
Unless you want my blood to be on your hands.

I sat in fear of rejection,
Wanting you to pull me close.
We both knew we were wrong,
But for once,
I wanted wrong to be right.

I love you how I'll leave you,
With all of my heart.
I have nothing left to give,
So they remain strangers.
My heart always belonged to you,
I'm not sure why I tried selling myself to anyone else.

You'll find a girl
much simpler than I,
much softer to touch,
much sweeter to smell,
but I don't know
I will find a boy
fiercer to love,
or nicer to look at.
When I look at you,
my world stops,
my heart opens,
and there is no place
I'd rather be.
I know you'll be able to find another,
but I'm just hoping,
that maybe,
you'll choose me.

I was wondering why
The other day
Why they were ten steps ahead when
Last I checked
We were heading down the same path
On the same train
We had seats beside each other
Didn't we?
That's when I realized
We were standing still.
I stared at you for a year,
And when I finally came to blink,
Everything had changed.

It would be nice
if our eyes
never ran dry,
I would have never
had to blink.

I put a piece of my heart away for a long time,
You know after a while,
You forget where you put something?
Until one day,
When you're not even looking,
You find it,
And you promise yourself you will never lose sight of it again.

If only heaven had a mailing address,
Maybe then I could send all the letters I've written to you,
Maybe then you could know how much I've been struggling living in reality,
When my thoughts of you seem so real.
I'm hoping that all of the things left unsaid,
Are sitting in the space between here and there,
Between where you are and where I am,
And you've read them all a million times over.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing,
But then I think there's nothing to be won.
My friends have lies in their eyes and stabs in their hearts from the ones they truly loved,
Who they thought loved them back.
Does anyone know what the word means anymore?

I used to love you,
Before I knew you,
When I thought you were someone else.
Now I see you,
And I wish I kept my eyes closed.