Your eyes are about as sharp as the knife I always imagined piercing myself with.
So look away,
Unless you want my blood to be on your hands.

Did
I
do
the
right
thing?

Looking for stability
I can't seem to stand
Won't someone around me
Just please hold my hand

As fast as you were remembered
You were forgotten

You're not the one

An escape plan
to leave the world behind
to leave and never return
to rid the red
to paint my own mural
soft blues
grey hues
purple
splashes of white.

To think, I might,
escape.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m destined to be alone.
To travel the world and let my mind be the only love of my life.
I feel trapped inside of myself trying to be understood but not willing to put myself out there enough to let anyone.
I’m not sure why.
I don’t feel like I need anyone,
I don't feel like anyone needs me.

I loved you,
And it's taken me this long to see,
The past years of my life have been passing by,
racing by.
I'm standing at the train stop,
Watching as each comes to pass,
Not actually stepping on,
Just letting the breeze it brings touch my hair and dishevel me.
Much like how I describe you and I,
We never really made the leap,
We were never really going anywhere.

before i met you
i deserved better
now,
you do.

If only heaven had a mailing address,
Maybe then I could send all the letters I've written to you,
Maybe then you could know how much I've been struggling living in reality,
When my thoughts of you seem so real.
I'm hoping that all of the things left unsaid,
Are sitting in the space between here and there,
Between where you are and where I am,
And you've read them all a million times over.

there are two sides to every story
it took me a long time to see
what i called our story
you called yours.

sometimes i wonder
if you are actually too busy
or if
you're just too busy for me.
i already know the answer
but when i accept it
we will be through
and i don't know what my life looks like
without you.

I lay here,
Exhausted from the work,
Not knowing why I do it,
But someone along the way said it would be worth it.
I ask what is worth,
Living your life as a silhouette?
They silence me and say, pay your dues, pay your dues.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say,
Everyone else is thinking,
So say it,
And maybe,
We can all stop paying for something that was given to us far before we knew the value of a dollar.

You say I've changed when really
I've always been this person
She has always been hiding
My life was like an endless game of hide and seek
Except no one ever came looking
You never found me
So I found myself

you wanted me to show you so
i unzipped my chest
took out my heart
and displayed it in a glass case
i waited for you to speak but
you walked away instead.
i should have known
when you told me about your collection of hearts
it wouldn't stop
at mine.

You're just a ghost in my life
Coming in and out as you please
And even though I love you
I have to constantly remind myself
We died a long time ago
We're not real anymore
And we never will be.

oh how easy it was for you to undress me
caress me
impress me

I'm not a fool
just a girl
still not able to decipher between loves
knowing when it's the real thing
and when it's just people like you
looking to read a front cover
but never a whole book

oh how easy it was for you to tease me
and leave me

I felt at home with you but
Home to me meant broken
And I didn't want to love something else that could break into pieces
If home is where your heart is
Mine is scattered throughout history
It's never been altogether at once
And I don't think it ever will be

Missing you
Has become my way of breathing
Everyday, always
I am missing you.

the scars will remind us
of where you came from
and why you are here.

You're just a placeholder
Filling in the space
I use you
The same way
you use me
Only when we're lonely.

Taking it slow is one
Type of relationship
But what do you call
Not moving at all?

I'm in a race with myself and I'm not winning.

you wanted to keep me close
so that you had something
but you had everything
and didn't even care
I was whole when you met me
and shrunk to nothing
when you left me.

Everyone is distracted
It wouldn't be until I was drowning
That anyone would notice I jumped

I dont know how you could see my heart
See how it beats slow
And still make me run to you
Out of breath
Just to see how far i can make it
Before it stops beating
All for you
I think im done chasing other people
Who want to see me die

How can I please you?
How can I please you?
How can I please you?

By losing myself.

Sweet flower,
As your petals float to the ground around you,
It may look to the outside world you are dying,
But it is when you are left as a shell of what you used to be,
Stripped down,
A stem,
That is when you come to life.

Sweet flower,
You've never looked more beautiful.

We're still kids,
Don't you see?
I'm still sitting on the staircase,
Listening to you scream,
Waiting until it's safe to fall asleep.

My life has turned into moments on the staircase,
Heart tense,
Hands over my ears,
Biting back tears,
Wanting it to end.

I'm lost between what I said and what I did.
The separation from my words and actions,
Lets me stay calm and in the body I live.
I don't feel at home here.

Where am I going?
Point it out on a map.
In this head of mine I am already in the clouds,
Counting stars,
One, two, three.

Until the world goes dark,
I will keep counting stars.
One, two, three.

I wonder how much time has to pass
for feelings to fade away forever
I haven't seen you in years yet
I still love you like you never left.

I'm sitting here.
Here seems to be the place I come often, to think.
Today I'm sitting here thinking about what I think about too often.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
The pieces of me that thought I was were given as parting gifts to all the ones I used to love, the ones I loved too much, the ones that loved my love.
The ones who's egos were fed with my love, thrived off my love, and simply existed because of my love.
I was tricked into thinking I was your lifeline, until you left and I realized,
you still had a healthy heartbeat and I was the only one hanging in the balance.

You woke me from a deep slumber,
And I've been awake ever since.

Instead of saying,
"I hope you don't forget me",
I hope that when you want to remember me,
You can.

"You make me extremely nervous"
"Why?" he asked.
She fiddled with her rings and answered,
"Because if you kiss me, it's going to hurt when you leave."

Terrifying
Is one word
To describe
My love for you

I replay that night more times than I'd like
I kiss you in my mind more times than I care to count
And all I'm left with at the end of the day
Is this pit in my stomach missing you
And the feeling I can't do anything about it
You're out of my control
And that is the most frustrating thing I've had to accept
That we could work out in an alternate world
The one where you would want to try
The one where you would love me
The one that isn't this one
The one that I'd rather

Right when we get close you're ripped away.
The tears I have can't show the hurt in my heart,
They aren't enough.
The pain I feel will never be exposed for others to see,
They wouldn't know what to do with it.
Trouble is,
Neither do I.

Your lips touched mine
and just in time
I pulled away.
I almost fell,
but the thought of you catching me
scared me half to death.
Just because your lips are filled with good intentions,
doesn't mean your heart is too.

Thank you for letting me go
For the silence of letting me know
I can move on

Everybody moves on
If you don't
You'll simply be
left behind.

I sat and wondered
everyday
wondered why
why me
why this life
answers?
none.
I only had myself,
and all I did was wonder.

Staring at me through blank eyes
What I thought was inside
Turned out to be a spiral of doubt
The only thing that turned out to be real
Was the lesson I learned
The slap in the face
And the reality check
That not all people are looking to love
Some just want the surface
The smudges on the glass
Distorting what you see of yourself
My reflection in you was my self worth disappearing
Apologetic for who I am
And my belief of wrong
And right
I could have loved you
Now you're just one more lonely girl
Too stubborn to be anything else
Just know I could have loved you

I still am terrified of the flames
I've always been
But maybe if you held my hand
I wouldn't be.

I’m not sure if you are meant to be mine,
but something inside of me is willing to wait.

I’ve never felt this before,
this calmness.

I know if I push,
you will not be ready,
you will not be healed.

I want all of you, forever,
not some of you now.

So I will wait until the sun shines in your bedroom again,
until the air re-enters your lungs once you’re finally breathing.
I will be waiting for you when you are reborn,
and you can be in comfort knowing:
you will never have to go through that alone again.

Sometimes I think I'm helping make you happy
But then I remember
I don't know what that word means

I said goodbye to happiness a long time ago in hopes
It would come back to me
But I've learnt
once you say goodbye to something
even if it comes back
It's never the same.

i thought having you over was a good idea
i thought loving you was a good idea
you taught me
sometimes good ideas
are actually bad ideas
disguised  
in soft lips
using words without meaning
now my room is outlined with thoughts of you
in the darkest shade of grey
and no matter how many times
I bleach these sheets,
your memory is a stain I can't get out

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing,
But then I think there's nothing to be won.
My friends have lies in their eyes and stabs in their hearts from the ones they truly loved,
Who they thought loved them back.
Does anyone know what the word means anymore?

to everyone ive ever loved
i never wanted to lose you
to everyone who said they loved me
i wish you felt the same
you ripped your way right through my fingers
and just let me
slip away
you didnt really love me
loving to me means
never letting go.

there are days
i think i've found
the right ones
there are days
i think i know
i'm not alone
these are not
most days
but i wish they were
i fake that i'm okay with it
truth is
i've been longing for love
but it's hiding everywhere i cannot see.

My eyes are still wet from where you used to be,
I'm not sure they'll ever be dry.
The only way I think I could accept the fact you're gone,
Is if you come back.
So I beg of you,
In a dream,
Tell me that everything is going to be ok.