Missing you
Has become my way of breathing
Everyday, always
I am missing you.

I still am terrified of the flames
I've always been
But maybe if you held my hand
I wouldn't be.

I felt at home with you but
Home to me meant broken
And I didn't want to love something else that could break into pieces
If home is where your heart is
Mine is scattered throughout history
It's never been altogether at once
And I don't think it ever will be

You're just a ghost in my life
Coming in and out as you please
And even though I love you
I have to constantly remind myself
We died a long time ago
We're not real anymore
And we never will be.

I wonder how much time has to pass
for feelings to fade away forever
I haven't seen you in years yet
I still love you like you never left.

It's ironic really,
How you like me because I don't want anything from you,
Yet all you do is take from me.

This life has taught me a lot about goodbyes
They either come now
Or later
In every I love you I'm silently letting go
So that when goodbye comes maybe it won't hurt as much as the first time I lost someone.
I can only try my best to live as unattached as I can
Because this numbness feels better
Than the pain I refuse to remember.

I said goodbye to happiness a long time ago in hopes
It would come back to me
But I've learnt
once you say goodbye to something
even if it comes back
It's never the same.

I thought I knew myself in the city but everything I knew turned out to be everything I hated
Now I'm just alone and a shell of who I used to be
Staring at the streetlights
Hoping they will guide me home

I replay that night more times than I'd like
I kiss you in my mind more times than I care to count
And all I'm left with at the end of the day
Is this pit in my stomach missing you
And the feeling I can't do anything about it
You're out of my control
And that is the most frustrating thing I've had to accept
That we could work out in an alternate world
The one where you would want to try
The one where you would love me
The one that isn't this one
The one that I'd rather

I'm in a race with myself and I'm not winning.

I really thought I was something more to you
That's all I'm ever chasing
More
I never seem to be enough.
I never seem to have the answers.
What is love?
Will I ever find it?

Terrifying
Is one word
To describe
My love for you

Sometimes I think I'm helping make you happy
But then I remember
I don't know what that word means

Looking for stability
I can't seem to stand
Won't someone around me
Just please hold my hand

As fast as you were remembered
You were forgotten

You're not the one

The thing is
you didn't have to leave
and all that says to me
is I wasn't enough
to make you stay.

the scars will remind us
of where you came from
and why you are here.

i'm tired of being kissed
i want to do the kissing without
threatening your masculinity or
making you feel small
isn't there something powerful in a woman
licking her lips and
swallowing you whole?

You walked into my life
Disguised as
Liquid, pills and powder
You walked into my life
and you took
Everything

people know what they are capable of
you knew that you would ruin me
before you even knew me
and yet,
that didn't stop you

I would have waited for you
if you had said
something.
I would have waited for you
if you had said
anything
other than
nothing.

other people can't fix
the hole inside my heart
because other people can't fix
what was broken from the start.

oh how easy it was for you to undress me
caress me
impress me

I'm not a fool
just a girl
still not able to decipher between loves
knowing when it's the real thing
and when it's just people like you
looking to read a front cover
but never a whole book

oh how easy it was for you to tease me
and leave me

i thought having you over was a good idea
i thought loving you was a good idea
you taught me
sometimes good ideas
are actually bad ideas
disguised  
in soft lips
using words without meaning
now my room is outlined with thoughts of you
in the darkest shade of grey
and no matter how many times
I bleach these sheets,
your memory is a stain I can't get out

Everyone is distracted
It wouldn't be until I was drowning
That anyone would notice I jumped

If I told you I loved you
You would look at me crazy
If I told you I loved you
You would run away as fast as you could
If I told you I love you
You would tell me to take it back
So we could go back
Because if I told you I love you
Everything would change
We wouldn't just be having fun
Or messing around
This would be real
And it would hurt if one of us left
If I told you I love you
You would have to meet my family
And to us
That's just baggage
If I told you I love you
You would remember when she said those words
And the moment when she took them back
But what you dont know
Is when I look at you
I tell you I love you with every blink in my eye
And when I kiss you
I kiss you with one thousand I love yous
Tingling between us
I might not say it out loud
But I've said it to you
In a whole bunch of different ways
Every.single.day.
And you haven't run away
So I'll wait and be patient
For the right time to tell you
But just know from the moment I saw you
I already knew that I loved you
And unlike her,
I'm not going anywhere.

when you walked away you forgot to let go of my hand
and you took me with you
but I was not beside you,
I was behind you, begging to be seen
I was forgotten
the worst feeling isn't being left behind
it's being left along the way
when you're sitting right beside someone and they can't see you
they never saw you
you're yelling at him to let go
but he can't hear you,
he never heard you.
he only listens to himself
and he wonders why the only people who surround him
are those who only like him
for the shallow things
floating at the top of his throat
there's his answer.
you wanted to dive into his soul and latch to his lung
pinching whatever breath he had in him
reminding him that sometimes
it's easier to breathe with someone beside you,
someone inside you
he coughed and spat you out
but kept your taste a memory
for when he was craving something sweet
and now all you hear from him are whispers in the dark
when he's lonely
and has a craving
you know that cravings don't last
you know that neither will you
but something inside you,
wanted him to be happy
because if you could just make one person happy,
maybe you would be too
but this is the hard way
to learn that isn't true.

The spot that you were
was the spot you could've stayed
my feelings got the best of me
you got the best of me
what kills me was
the best of me
wasn't enough
now that spot is empty
and all i want back
is the best of me

i know something doesn't feel right,
you know it's got to feel right.

i wish it felt right,
but no one ever taught you how to wish.

so maybe that's why I'm still here
and maybe that's why you're not.

just as the flowers on my bedside died,
so did we.

like when i stared into the night sky
expecting to feel relief, wonder, and awe
and instead felt lost, alone, and small
something never felt right with you.

this is the last time you'll drag your dagger through my mind
im silencing the thoughts
readjusting the locks
just to keep you out.
don't try and break in,
theft is in your blood and im not yours to steal.
your mask won't trick me the next time
your face is engrained in my mind
and i'll never forget
i could never forget
i'm just out of things to give
so please stay out this time.

"You make me extremely nervous"
"Why?" he asked.
She fiddled with her rings and answered,
"Because if you kiss me, it's going to hurt when you leave."

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

when I told you
how much it hurt
when you said you couldn't be with me
you said
you couldn't understand
thats when I knew
it wasn't that you couldn't be with me
handle my baggage
or anything else
it was more simple than that
you just didn't love me.

When you said forever
I told myself I'd never
Trust something I couldn't reach.

So when you left
I wasn't surprised
I was prepared for what history taught me to be.

Call me jaded
But you're the one who left
So maybe next time
don't prove me right.

I'm confused
Beat down
Broken
Breathless.
Try to be real
In an incredibly fake world
And as a reward
You receive
Nothing.

I can't quit loving people,
Who don't love me back.
I've never been one to give up,
But maybe this time I should.

Staring at me through blank eyes
What I thought was inside
Turned out to be a spiral of doubt
The only thing that turned out to be real
Was the lesson I learned
The slap in the face
And the reality check
That not all people are looking to love
Some just want the surface
The smudges on the glass
Distorting what you see of yourself
My reflection in you was my self worth disappearing
Apologetic for who I am
And my belief of wrong
And right
I could have loved you
Now you're just one more lonely girl
Too stubborn to be anything else
Just know I could have loved you

Taking it slow is one
Type of relationship
But what do you call
Not moving at all?

When did the monsters
Living in my bed
Become the monsters
Living in my head?

Just when I think I'm fine,
You reach out,
Pull me in ,
and I remember what it was like when you were mine.
I want to go back,
but turning around has always proven pointless,
the ending is always the same.
There are books I would love to re-read,
but you are not one of them.

The hole in your heart just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
The further we get,
the lower we go,
and the less hope we have of recovering.
The last time I risked it all,
I ended up empty.
This time I'm playing it safe.
I placed my bet and it wasn't enough,
goodbye and good luck.

I waited for you for as long as I could hold my breath,
And on the verge of death,
I had to let go.

Why do I think I loved you,
When I didn't even like you?
I find all of the reasons I can to hate you:
Your condescending humor,
Your manipulating smile,
The way you made me feel small, smaller than I've ever felt before.
All of these are real reasons,
Valid reasons,
Truthful reasons,
But I think the biggest reason,
The saddest, and really only reason,
is that you didn't love me back.

Your lips touched mine
and just in time
I pulled away.
I almost fell,
but the thought of you catching me
scared me half to death.
Just because your lips are filled with good intentions,
doesn't mean your heart is too.

I've never felt so happy
or so alone
the ones beside me drifted by me
and sung me a sweet song I grew tired of singing
so hum me a melody so sweet I can see
the good in a heart again
so I can wake up again
to light in the sky again
to light in my eyes again
erase these dark scars that line my skin like a road map
leading you to the secrets that lay silent in my skull
wanting to break free
needing to be set free
release my clenched fists for me and close my eyes shut
fingers intwined,
touch your lips to mine
breathe life into me.

two dead bodies buried in sheets
wrapped in white blankets
wondering, withering
no room for clean air
all has gone stale
I listened for your heart beat
couldn't hear a single sound
locked in your arms now
death sounded scarier
before I knew
loving and dying both feel the same

How can I please you?
How can I please you?
How can I please you?

By losing myself.