I don't want you to see the beauty in me
I want you to see beauty

I trust that you feel it in this moment
But I don't trust you'll always feel that way
That's how I was hurt before
Counting on every word he'd say

I’m constantly trying imagine and control my future
Think I can know if it’ll be sunny tomorrow
But the clouds come anyway

I keep forgetting
The weight that was lifted
When you let me go

I keep forgetting
The light in my eyes
That reignited

I keep forgetting
That I am whole again
All on my own

But I won’t forget
What I’ve learned
From being hurt

You wanted to know
The music I love
The love I've found
Since you left

I lied to you
My secrets I’m keeping
They’re much better
Far better than the ones you couldn’t

The way I lust isn't fair
I fall for an eloquent stare
But the heartbeat's not there
How can my lips need one thing
And my knees another
To fly or to fall
That's the choice isn't it after all?

I am caught up in anxiety
It’s something that haunts me daily
A tightness in my chest
Because of the things I know
Everything moving in circles
Nothing permanent
And the love stained in my heart
Will fade
And grow again
But the pain in my chest
Won’t fade
Nor grow

Lost
In something that I
Lost

Your kiss is invigorating
Strong like a numbing wave crashing overhead
Followed by the beating sun grazing my tingling skin
A perfect moment
Something I could linger in

Monotonous existence
I am veiling my daydreams
I am drowning it seems

Alive I am dead
Ignoring thoughts in my head
Monotonous existence

Whether it be the suns rays
A heartbeat or brisk days
A moment of incandesce
A heart full of love
Or a mind at peace
Bask in its light
For everything is finite

You and I both know you never quit while you're ahead
You either never start or this will be how things end

I seek the thrill of knowing
Of knowing it all
I seek the truth it tells me
The truth of it all
Cause this world is empty
And full of lies
But there is more on the other side

The answers it brings
Lead to more questions
An endless road
It’s the answers that keep me going
And the questions that bring me back

All these unanswered questions
Are the payback for the wisdom
I am found
And yet more lost than I was before

I yearn to be free
Not held back by thoughts
But I yearn to know just the same
It’s an addiction I can’t stop

Is enlightenment just a trick
Or do we really know it all
When we know nothing

Since 4:30 in the morning
I've been looking at the sky
The way the dim rise of the sun
Glitters on the tide

My head is aching
From my busy mind
All the thoughts
I thought I'd left behind

I wonder what it would be like if the tables were turned
You could have all the knowledge that I’ve learned
But hurt in a way that wasn’t earned
Swap you’re heart for one that yearns

I wonder if you hurt like the ones who are alone
The ones they would disown
A reality you can’t postpone
All the more real when you are grown

I wonder if you spent a day ignored
Feeling like who you are just makes them bored
Everyday leaving you floored
Alone in the world

Would you stand up for yourself
Or hide behind a smile
What is easier?
Facing your fears or letting the pain compile

Or you could just give up
Not give yourself another day
But that’s no solution
There has to be a better way

Some might pray
Some might run away
But you can choose to love yourself anyway

This kind of love
Heartbeat is racing
My chest is aching
I would be happy
Not ask for a thing
If something this deep
Was returned to me

How foolish of me
To think that love was more important
Than happiness

What makes you think you’re so smart
What makes you’re point is right
You should look at your own life

They didn’t ask you what you thought
But you gave your opinion freely
But you’re not very nice, really

You’re not fooling anyone but fools
And they won’t be there when you fall
That’s when you’ll know what it feels like to be small

I hope that one day you wake up
And see the potential in the world
But for now you’re just a mean girl

Empty we stand here
With our palms facing upward
Begging for a hand

Armored eyes pass by us
Blood pumping through fragile veins
We’re all too afraid

Our hearts contradict
Our own inability
To find what we seek

I thought it was you

But it was silver lined clouds
Whisps of hair in the wind
A haze around the moon
And sunshine on my skin
It was the afterglow
That helped me realize
My inner lightness
Without the weight of your lies

He said there is nothing I can do
I can not make it better
Only worse

Take a moment he said
I'd need much longer than that
But that's something I'll never have

So I took my moment
And I'm taking this one, too
But not in the way that he asked

I’ve been drowning in the ocean of your eyes
It’s turning into the only thing I know
And it may be the thing that breaks me
But I can’t forget it’s the thing that waked me

Treading water when I long to fly
The way you smile when I want to cry
This just might be the roses thorn
I’m torn

Pretty pastels
Make my heart melt
But you’re a deeper shade
A love that won’t fade

I saw a quote today that said,
“One day you lose something, and you'll say:
‘Oh my God. I was happy.
And I didn’t even know it.’”

But then came the voice inside my head,
"That day you lost someone, and you thought:
'Oh my God. I was unhappy.
And I didn't even know it."

Kiss me gently
**** me intensely
**** me earnestly
Kiss me fervently
You could kiss me any way
You could **** me any way
I’d melt either way

I think I like pictures
Because they’re like dreams
Of this perfect world
Of more than it seems

You can sense the emotion
The intangible rapture
When they saw something beautiful
That they needed to capture

I crave freedom in my very core
I sing randomly
I write randomly
I cry at night to not be attached to anything
I’m sick of putting my ducks in rows
I’ve never seen ducks in perfect rows

I made a list of the things I need
And it’s only ten lines long
You were almost all of them
Except for the very first one

I let myself skip over the first line
And didn’t even know
I saw you for how wonderful you are
Not knowing butterflies wouldn’t grow

I’m learning how to see
What it means to be alone and not lonely
Trapped in the worries of my mind
Nobody safe to turn and find
I look at eyes in the crowd
Wish I could hear their thoughts out loud
What’s going on inside
Is there anyone who can stand by my side
Take away the holes in the dance floor
And still be something of which I can be sure
I can feel his presence like ghost
And it’s the thing I want the most

I know that they’ve got it better
But I can’t understand
Why I fall flat
Want someone to look at me like that

It’s hard to see the lovers
When I left it behind
For something with meaning
The things I’m dreaming

I hope that I will find
Just what I had in mind
And these thoughts inside
Will come alive

I can't keep doing this stupid ****
Letting myself go
Telling my open heart
Yes and then no
And the decisions I make
Never seem to be right
Give away my body
And keep my heart locked tight

I met you unexpectedly
At the peak of my insanity
And now it’s hard to see
The exact degree
To which you'll love me
Since I am clearly bound
To an idea I have not found
A passion so profound
A man I can't confound
With my manic mind

While there is still sadness twinkling in your eyes
And your throat has hardly enough room for air
You suddenly become aware
This is your second chance

I fell in love with you on molly
I fell in lust with you on ****
Felt bigger than myself
Wanted you and no one else
on LSD
But heartbreak came with sassafras
You looked at me with eyes of glass
Because the high can never really last
And now my dreams live in the past

I used to feel nothing
I used to feel nothing and cry
But now I know something
It’s worse when your heart is alive
Because that ache that I’m feeling
It’s not love that has left me to die
No, it’s cops who took my meaning
When they scared me from living my life

I thought I was certain
I thought I was certain about
All the things I was doing
Wouldn't let myself doubt
But this ache that I'm feeling
For the things I'll just live without
Hope you catch my meaning
When karma won't bail you out

But it doesn’t really matter what you say
They’re all just words anyway
I could hear them all day
And I know I’d still be okay
It doesn’t really matter what you do
Only who you do it to
Because they might give up on you
And find someone new
Nothing doesn’t really matters
Until all that climbing ladders

Takes you nowhere

My life is a series of dashes dreams
Sewing up patches
To have them ripped at the seams

The hardest part is forgiving you
But i won't let myself turn bitter
I'm not a vengeful heart
That you lies can litter
You took a piece of me
Then twist and broke it
Took my remaining sanctity
Wrapped your hands to choke it
And now I find myself
Rubbing streams of hatred
Sick that I once loved someone
That made me so jaded
But your win isn't the end
And this pain will fade
And the scars you gave
Will turn to strength I've made
So when you smile for me
And the torment inflicted
Know I've forgiven you
For what's been indicted
So next time you turn to vengefulness
Remember my name
Think of the girl
Who beat your game

Not really sure what do do
Guess I’ll just sit here and think of you
Waiting on old memories to fade
And new ones to take there place
Not the the best thing for me
Wishing for something I’m not sure we can be
But just the same I’m hoping for a change
One with you to move past the pain
Hope you’ll be what I need
Even though love has often meant greed
You seem to have the right state of mind
The kind that can excite and still unwind
Hope you’ll be the one I need
Erase the memories this hope precedes

My words don’t seem to be all I hoped they’d be
When I put them together they sound wrong
But we are just the sum of our parts
And words are less than equal
To the meaning of our hearts

I wish I could go back to before I had felt love
The deep insatiable longing
A hole that could only be filled by another person
The certainty of a better emotion

Now I know that finding love does not fill holes
Sometimes it makes more of them
And I feel emptier than I did before
Because I know that I have to fill them

But I’m not sure with what

Today I am struggling
Stuck in my old feelings
And a longing I resent
I miss my old life
As unhappy as I was
Comfortable and safe
No unknowns
Other than the unknowns I chose
Every inch of your body
I knew it all
Every thought in your mind
I thought I could know them all
I feel ties to you
Ones I can’t explain
What forced me to hold on
Despite my pain
Do you not feel them?
Or does your substance love
Let you get by
Probably
You’ll leave the hard work for me
To break the ties

Finding a the dawn in the dead of night
Can’t let the goal get out of sight
I’m hoping to find that in the end I’m right
And we’re right for each other

I hear your complaints
Causing your own problems
Moaning over it everyday
But refusing to change
And I’m not talking about your heart
Because that’s precious
So stop giving it scars
And tearing your life apart

Take it in and let it back out
Soak in the love
Brush of the negativity
Whatever it may be
It’s ok

There's nothing more impossible
Than the trick of this ****
When you do what you can
But they choose to ignore it
You're labeled as an other
Because their conscience can't sit
And they tear you down
Whatever way they see fit
And you don't know why they do it
And you're not a half wit
You just trust and think the best
But the pieces don't fit
So you try to ignore them
And beg yourself not to quit
But you end up tired
And with nothing to show for it

I've stood where you stand
Heart in my hand
Begging to be loved
But it's never enough

You can't create matter from nothingness
You can't make yourself matter in an empty heart

I try to think what I would want
I try to remember what I wanted
All I can come up with is what I didn't want

I didn't want to lose my best friend

I’m only wanted for my body
And what I can do with it
I can’t control my eyes
With their flirting glimmer
I can feel myself betraying my needs
When I play this role
But the truth is
I’ve forgotten how to be a friend
And not a lover

You might have been steady
Loving
And kind
But your love didn’t surprise me
Or blow my mind

I woke up to a dream of me kissing your chest
Teasingly nibbling at your flesh
My heart full of smiles
But your eyes shifted away
The same way they did that day
And I wouldn't get a kiss goodbye
Not even in my dreams

I wanted you all the while
I was in love with someone else
But it was you who made me smile
And made my heart melt

But I didn’t want to be alone
And I knew our timing wasn’t right
So I settled for the thing I’d known
Ignoring thoughts of you that came at night

I shut off all those feelings
And told myself it was wrong
Ignoring that love should have no ceiling
And that I couldn’t live like that for long

And now I just want to tell you
How strongly that I feel
But I fear you won’t like the way I grew
And for real was not our deal