Not really sure what do do
Guess I’ll just sit here and think of you
Waiting on old memories to fade
And new ones to take there place
Not the the best thing for me
Wishing for something I’m not sure we can be
But just the same I’m hoping for a change
One with you to move past the pain
Hope you’ll be what I need
Even though love has often meant greed
You seem to have the right state of mind
The kind that can excite and still unwind
Hope you’ll be the one I need
Erase the memories this hope precedes

The hardest part is forgiving you
But i won't let myself turn bitter
I'm not a vengeful heart
That you lies can litter
You took a piece of me
Then twist and broke it
Took my remaining sanctity
Wrapped your hands to choke it
And now I find myself
Rubbing streams of hatred
Sick that I once loved someone
That made me so jaded
But your win isn't the end
And this pain will fade
And the scars you gave
Will turn to strength I've made
So when you smile for me
And the torment inflicted
Know I've forgiven you
For what's been indicted
So next time you turn to vengefulness
Remember my name
Think of the girl
Who beat your game

I hear your complaints
Causing your own problems
Moaning over it everyday
But refusing to change
And I’m not talking about your heart
Because that’s precious
So stop giving it scars
And tearing your life apart

Take it in and let it back out
Soak in the love
Brush of the negativity
Whatever it may be
It’s ok

I used to feel nothing
I used to feel nothing and cry
But now I know something
It’s worse when your heart is alive
Because that ache that I’m feeling
It’s not love that has left me to die
No, it’s cops who took my meaning
When they scared me from living my life

I thought I was certain
I thought I was certain about
All the things I was doing
Wouldn't let myself doubt
But this ache that I'm feeling
For the things I'll just live without
Hope you catch my meaning
When karma won't bail you out

I didn't know I could fear this strongly
For a something I'd loved so fondly
A chance I knew as normal
Became forms too formal

Men with cold eyes through glass
Replaying every moment of my past
Could I take this chance again
Can I find what might have been

Do I choose what would destroy me
The something that employed me
What made me lose my choice to use
No longer the spark and just the fuse
Made nothing hold certainty
Except despair certainly
I didn't ever want to stop
But it seems I've reached the top
And from this peak I could fall down
Or stay up on solid ground
How do I remedy
This pain from something that still loves me?

He said there is nothing I can do
I can not make it better
Only worse

Take a moment he said
I'd need much longer than that
But that's something I'll never have

So I took my moment
And I'm taking this one, too
But not in the way that he asked

The way I lust isn't fair
I fall for an eloquent stare
But the heartbeat's not there
How can my lips need one thing
And my knees another
To fly or to fall
That's the choice isn't it after all?

I don't want you to see the beauty in me
I want you to see beauty

I thought it was you

But it was silver lined clouds
Whisps of hair in the wind
A haze around the moon
And sunshine on my skin
It was the afterglow
That helped me realize
My inner lightness
Without the weight of your lies

Whether it be the suns rays
A heartbeat or brisk days
A moment of incandesce
A heart full of love
Or a mind at peace
Bask in its light
For everything is finite

I've stood where you stand
Heart in my hand
Begging to be loved
But it's never enough

You can't create matter from nothingness
You can't make yourself matter in an empty heart

I try to think what I would want
I try to remember what I wanted
All I can come up with is what I didn't want

I didn't want to lose my best friend

You and I both know you never quit while you're ahead
You either never start or this will be how things end

He held my gaze a few seconds
But not long enough for me to hold on

Kiss me gently
**** me intensely
**** me earnestly
Kiss me fervently
You could kiss me any way
You could **** me any way
I’d melt either way

This kind of love
Heartbeat is racing
My chest is aching
I would be happy
Not ask for a thing
If something this deep
Was returned to me

Empty we stand here
With our palms facing upward
Begging for a hand

Armored eyes pass by us
Blood pumping through fragile veins
We’re all too afraid

Our hearts contradict
Our own inability
To find what we seek

Monotonous existence
I am veiling my daydreams
I am drowning it seems

Alive I am dead
Ignoring thoughts in my head
Monotonous existence

I’m only wanted for my body
And what I can do with it
I can’t control my eyes
With their flirting glimmer
I can feel myself betraying my needs
When I play this role
But the truth is
I’ve forgotten how to be a friend
And not a lover

I’m learning how to see
What it means to be alone and not lonely
Trapped in the worries of my mind
Nobody safe to turn and find
I look at eyes in the crowd
Wish I could hear their thoughts out loud
What’s going on inside
Is there anyone who can stand by my side
Take away the holes in the dance floor
And still be something of which I can be sure
I can feel his presence like ghost
And it’s the thing I want the most

While there is still sadness twinkling in your eyes
And your throat has hardly enough room for air
You suddenly become aware
This is your second chance

I know that they’ve got it better
But I can’t understand
Why I fall flat
Want someone to look at me like that

It’s hard to see the lovers
When I left it behind
For something with meaning
The things I’m dreaming

I hope that I will find
Just what I had in mind
And these thoughts inside
Will come alive

I met you unexpectedly
At the peak of my insanity
And now it’s hard to see
The exact degree
To which you'll love me
Since I am clearly bound
To an idea I have not found
A passion so profound
A man I can't confound
With my manic mind

You wanted to know
The music I love
The love I've found
Since you left

I lied to you
My secrets I’m keeping
They’re much better
Far better than the ones you couldn’t

I can’t keep imagining him in my mind
Or love I’ll never find
Blinded by my perception of perfection
Depth only found upon inspection
Afraid I should know in an instant
On this I am insistent
For last time when I let the feeling build
The foundation wasn’t filled
And these holes turned into cracks
Beliefs I’d built on pacts
I want that love that grew
But I want the instantaneous jolt, too
Hearts bright at first sight
And feelings that take flight

He told me he loved me
He missed me
Then kissed me
But he didn't want me

Yes, I may still love you
I miss you
But I'll resist you
Because I don't need you

You might have been steady
Loving
And kind
But your love didn’t surprise me
Or blow my mind

I fell in love with you on molly
I fell in lust with you on ****
Felt bigger than myself
Wanted you and no one else
on LSD
But heartbreak came with sassafras
You looked at me with eyes of glass
Because the high can never really last
And now my dreams live in the past

I crave freedom in my very core
I sing randomly
I write randomly
I cry at night to not be attached to anything
I’m sick of putting my ducks in rows
I’ve never seen ducks in perfect rows

I am caught up in anxiety
It’s something that haunts me daily
A tightness in my chest
Because of the things I know
Everything moving in circles
Nothing permanent
And the love stained in my heart
Will fade
And grow again
But the pain in my chest
Won’t fade
Nor grow

I feel very stuck currently
Between the two different mes
The one that wants to love you
And the other to be free

Another gray day
Clouding my mind
Not capable of peace
When the sun don’t shine

I’m constantly trying imagine and control my future
Think I can know if it’ll be sunny tomorrow
But the clouds come anyway

I wish I could go back to before I had felt love
The deep insatiable longing
A hole that could only be filled by another person
The certainty of a better emotion

Now I know that finding love does not fill holes
Sometimes it makes more of them
And I feel emptier than I did before
Because I know that I have to fill them

But I’m not sure with what

Lost
In something that I
Lost

Today I am struggling
Stuck in my old feelings
And a longing I resent
I miss my old life
As unhappy as I was
Comfortable and safe
No unknowns
Other than the unknowns I chose
Every inch of your body
I knew it all
Every thought in your mind
I thought I could know them all
I feel ties to you
Ones I can’t explain
What forced me to hold on
Despite my pain
Do you not feel them?
Or does your substance love
Let you get by
Probably
You’ll leave the hard work for me
To break the ties

Pretty pastels
Make my heart melt
But you’re a deeper shade
A love that won’t fade

I can't keep doing this stupid ****
Letting myself go
Telling my open heart
Yes and then no
And the decisions I make
Never seem to be right
Give away my body
And keep my heart locked tight

Since 4:30 in the morning
I've been looking at the sky
The way the dim rise of the sun
Glitters on the tide

My head is aching
From my busy mind
All the thoughts
I thought I'd left behind

If I ****** up by trying to heal
And I hurt you with my honesty
That's something I never meant
And I owe you an apology

I didn't want to wound you
The same way you wounded me
I just wanted to escape
My world turned tragedy

I had to pull myself back up
Any way I possibly could
I was willing to take the risk
But it didn't mean I should

I loved you with my whole heart
Even how tested I was
My feelings for you didn't break
I loved you just because

So I hope you never question
Whether I cared at all
Because every memory was special
No moment too small

So please don't take me too seriously
When I don't know how to cope
And I pray you never question
The way that your love gave me hope

When you told me you loved me
And asked if I did too
It wasn't that I didn't
Or that it was too soon
Just the compilation of my fears
And the vastness of my love
Made me wonder if it was real
And if I was enough
Because I was torn apart
And I love with everything
So if you hadn't really meant it
I couldn't bear the sting

Your kiss is invigorating
Strong like a numbing wave crashing overhead
Followed by the beating sun grazing my tingling skin
A perfect moment
Something I could linger in

I trust that you feel it in this moment
But I don't trust you'll always feel that way
That's how I was hurt before
Counting on every word he'd say

Do you miss the way I walk
Or the silly way I talk
Do you think twice
About how you weren't that nice
Or have you moved on
Not considering that I'm gone

You won't get a second chance
To get back that loving glance
I won't run back to your embrace
And let you kiss my face
But I don't think you care
Because real love was never there

And I still dream about you somehow
Even though I've tried to vow
That I won't think about those times
And keep validating them with rhymes
But even though I'm low
I don't want you to know

That I miss the way you walk
And the serious way you talk
That I'm willing to think twice
About how not nice would just suffice
And that I'm trying to move on
Yet still wishing you weren't gone

My life is a series of dashes dreams
Sewing up patches
To have them ripped at the seams

I woke up to a dream of me kissing your chest
Teasingly nibbling at your flesh
My heart full of smiles
But your eyes shifted away
The same way they did that day
And I wouldn't get a kiss goodbye
Not even in my dreams

I saw a quote today that said,
“One day you lose something, and you'll say:
‘Oh my God. I was happy.
And I didn’t even know it.’”

But then came the voice inside my head,
"That day you lost someone, and you thought:
'Oh my God. I was unhappy.
And I didn't even know it."

I think I like pictures
Because they’re like dreams
Of this perfect world
Of more than it seems

You can sense the emotion
The intangible rapture
When they saw something beautiful
That they needed to capture

Lit up like a christmas tree
That’s the girl I want to be
Someone I only know
When you’re with me

It’s confusing
The unknown before me
The world I’ve yet to see
On my own
All alone
Filled with uncertainty
Yet free

I wanted you all the while
I was in love with someone else
But it was you who made me smile
And made my heart melt

But I didn’t want to be alone
And I knew our timing wasn’t right
So I settled for the thing I’d known
Ignoring thoughts of you that came at night

I shut off all those feelings
And told myself it was wrong
Ignoring that love should have no ceiling
And that I couldn’t live like that for long

And now I just want to tell you
How strongly that I feel
But I fear you won’t like the way I grew
And for real was not our deal