They only want to understand
What life would be like
If It didn't exist.

Only to ignore if you are near.

Only to pretend to be nice
When they are only waiting for the time you
Turn around,
So they can take their poisoned knife
And slide it into your heart
From behind.

Tell the others,
Why is it that
When all is said and done,
That you will be the one that's gone.

Just stop.
It's not your place to laugh or chide.
Stop now.
He may not realize what you are doing to him.
STOP IT!
He doesn't know, HE DOESN'T KNOW!
What do you know?
Does he go home and cry
About the stupid pranks and
Jokes you play?
Is it a joke?
It's not to him.
He is human and
He is worth more than you.
The jokes are worth less than one laugh,
But his life is worth eternity.

I live in the dreary depths--
A refining desolation,
An isolation from normality.
Sometimes too much--
I cannot completely decipher
The feeling--I want it to end.
But aye--
The end--
Is it a sleepless dream in
The depths of night?
Yet every time I dream of it
I remember the feeling,
The passion,
The hope.
I may not last,
But only to dream of you once more.

I ran away from you again today.
My heart just keeps beating too fast,
I can't control my words.
I wonder what would you say
If I told you what I think.

Your smile,
Your touch,
Your little conversations.
I'm sorry I so quiet.
I'm so scared,
Did you know that?
Do you care?

I want you to look in my eyes and see,
I'm hard,
I'm scared,
I'm unprepared,
I'm crying.

Take my hand,
Walk with me,
You don't need to tell me I'm beautiful,
Just listen to every word that goes unspoken.

Not wanting to live.
Not wanting to survive.
Not wanting to feel.
Not wanting to leave.
Not wanting your pain.
Not wanting your approval.
Not wanting your sins.
Not wanting your warmth.
Not wanting my sight.
Not wanting my mistake.
Not wanting my shame.
Not wanting my name.

Wanting to change the "not."

I wish I knew
What you
Think about when I
Text you my
Insecurities.

Do you see the little lies,
Ambiguity,
The clouded truth?

In reality
I haven't been able to sleep because
Of sickening words and harsh tones--
All repeated memories,
A slideshow in my mind.
Every cruel tone ever heard
Intermixing with the ones told to me--
Including your words--
Forming a perception of myself
That the devil may shutter at.

Almost addicted to the aches of sadness
Always empty,
Never full:
I am troubled by my own mind.

What's the next step in this game called love?
I seem to have forgotten.
I'm the awkward one,
Bumbling over my words and
Losing control of my smiles.
Can you see the look in my eyes?
The one that you somehow put there?
I feel like a schoolgirl with her first crush,
Dancing, singing, blushing, giggling.
Step forward, step back, step forward again.
What is the next step?
Twirling around, laughing,
Then frozen. I've forgotten.
Love is a dance not a game.
Could I ask you to show me the next dance step?

If we were more like ourselves
How long could we keep up this act?
Dodging each other,
Only saying meaningless "Hellos"
And questions,
Never pausing to stop and actually
Think,
Feel,
Take the time to know someone,
Who they truly are,
Deep down,
And then
Pause.

So they know that they aren't the only one there.

Driving down an empty street
Full of flashing lights
Blasting country from the speakers
And driving way too slow.
Uncertainty in the mind
As hands steer, misguided,
Diamonds cutting at the corners
As the heart feels crouched inside.

                   ...I have never felt so *alone.

Everything shattered...

                       ...But she refused to let herself fall apart...

...When she awoke her world was broken as before...
                    ...Believing the future and all it held, she wanted to be the one...
            ...Stuck in the middle, she felt like she was never enough...
       ...All the whispers *weighed her heart heavy...
                          *...The longer she knew someone the less they'd know her...
              ...Shutting herself from her friends and the world...
    ...She doesn't have anywhere left to turn...

*...Would you believe I am that girl?...

Cool, calm,
Not dangerous when
Viewed from a distance,
But unspeakable depths that will drag you
Down,
Down,
down.
Into my ratcheting currents and
Demonic tides at a depth hard to imagine.
And scenes you couldn’t imagine,
At least in my life.
I’m more and less than people think I am.
Unexpected,
Unknown,
And often invisible.
My hands are frost and
The icy mask I wear is melting into my flesh.
But I feel that mask slipping,
Collapsing to the ground and
Shattering,
Freeing the person I am.
Maybe wrong,
The frightening individual I am,
As dangerous as an iceberg,
Could be beautiful too.

Have you realized how easy it is to lie about yourself?
Put on a mask and walk around.
You are the happiest person in the world,
Hurting inside,
Silently calling out.
Finally finding friendship
In the dark corners of your empty heart.
No matter what you think,
Everyone thinks you are alright
Because of the invisible mask on your face,
And the feelings you keep under lock and key
Never show.

Pain.
Suspicion.
Don't let it get to you,
Corroding.
Eating. Devouring.
With no remains.

Remember.
You are worth it.
He is worth it.

Don't
Give up.
Work. Walk. Wait.
He will stay with you the entire way.

It feels like standing
On the edge
With a choice to fall
Or stand.
But either way
The depths cannot be suppressed.

It is exhilarating
And feared, just waiting
For the crash at the bottom.

What do you do…
You fall in love with your best friend.
He's in love?
But not with you.
Sitting there imagining his arms,
Protecting arms,
Around you.
Then.
You remember his heart belongs to another.
He's taken all the poetry…
today you feel empty.
Waking to fog and snow,
Wanting to die there.
You were alone.
Again you are alone.
And yet, you can never tell him
Your heart is bleeding.

Beautiful is something more than I can hold.
Could I hope to hold it?
This responsibility weighing heavy...
Trying to be something more than I am,
The perfected version of me.
Perfect? Not me, you...
I'm basking in something beautiful,
Drinking in the light that surrounds you.
Could I ever hope to come close to you?

Or will I stay in the shadows?

What I tell myself while
Asking,
Covering my tracks that
Show I'm suicidal,
The pretty lies that cover up
The cuts I caused myself.
Wanting to cease existing
To the point no one remembers my name.
Hate and Numb
but i'm fine.
Please I just need to talk
I say to the darkness, It ignores me. You ignore me.
You were Always
never
There.

Bring me a sunset in a cup,
Tell me the sky's great secret.
Give me a happy fading glow,
Inspire wonder within me.
Take my hand and dance with night,
Steal my heart in the darkness.
Make me a golden box of treasure,
Conceal the moment inside it.
Vanquish the demons residing here,
Deliver me from all the tears.
Strike the foes that tear me down,
Support me when I can no longer stand.
Write me letters when you are gone,
Beg for me when I would go.
Sweep me off my tired feet,
Touch my curious blue eyes.
Teach me how the world once was,
Build it up to greater heights.
Show how things can be put to right,
Love the perfect imperfections.
End with honor pure, and valor,
Begin the way you'd like to end.


Be my wings,
For I have none.

How does love grow cold,
Yet act so bold...






Why am I too scared to fall?

Am I worthless?
Am I rude?
Am I dimwitted?
Am I belligerent?
Am I stupid?
Am I unrealistic?
Am I animal?
Am I satanic?
Am I destructive?
Am I corrosive?
Am I *******?
Am I abusive?
Am I putrid?
Am I lazy?
Am I selfish?
Am I narcissistic?
Am I devilish?

If I am who you tell me to be,
I am all these things.

I am the one they call beautiful,
Glittering in shimmery gold,
But listen to my heart break
As I let myself unfold.
I let the tears cascade
As I left my walled protection,
No where left to run from you,
Yet still unclear where I should go.
I am in a maze
Where the only obstacle is you,
Running around in endless circles,
With nothing left to do.
My head is pounding
As from a dreamless night
I wake again exhausted.
I can't bring myself to look at the phone
For fear of pain or pleasure--
Yet I do it anyway.
I dare not speak your name--
The reminder for broken friendship.

If only...

*But I am too vulnerable to dream.

She was left:
Alone.
A mark blotted her name,
A forgotten one.
No one cared-- so it was thought,
But gradually one was --seen--
Hopeful,
Concerned,
Irritated,
Infatuated perhaps,
But love was never to survive.

A hidden closet piques my interest as I fall through time and space,
Clammy hands clasp the white hot memoirs of the past.
Unable to let go I slip faster than before
Addicted to the memories of things long ago.
The wrong I'm feeling caused by all unknown,
Pressure threatening to crush the feelings I own.
I have found the wall I built,
And crashed past the breaking point.
Lost with no direction,
I search for meaning--
Seeking out Orion
So I can live among the stars.

What is time?

Ya,
I know time is a unit of measure,
A way to compare events in the universe,
A how to why things happen,

But truthfully,
                          What is it
                                            And will you last through it all?

I told you.
I told you that if I showed you what's inside
You'd throw all my ugly back.
That You would toss me back
Into the chilly mud and garbage
And turn your back.
Leaving me alone,
Helpless,
Scrambling in the filth to find
What I hid and trusted you to hold.
You promised you wouldn't let go.
And I hoped! And trusted.
Oh how I trusted.
Through pain and through time
I trusted, waiting and loving you
For the brilliant man you are
And knew you could become.
Knowing if anyone could hold my heart
I would choose you,
The one I trusted most.
that's when you started to
feel how cold and heavy it is... that heart...
Ebbing away at your warmth and strength...

Oh how I wish I could have kept it hidden from you.

My heart is motivated by
Power,
Relationships,
Peace,
Play.
It protects itself with a
Stone wall.
A foot thick,
Five feet tall,
Nothing gets through,
Nothing gets out.

I am alone.

Alone and abandoned
I stay.
Not wanting to give up,
I get up,
Treading my feet
Up the numbing frozen slopes.
Why do all hearts break in
December?
The cold intensifies
With every step I take.
When will this frostbitten winter thaw?

Where is the backspace key in my life?

It's like forgetting
A melody you've always known,
A dream that you've flown
Only to crash...

Who am I suppose to be?
I'm ready to question,
Can anyone hear me?
Too many words....

Am I allowed to think
If I can no longer escape?
In less than a blink
I leap...

Chasing away,
Maybe being left is better.
Missing all traced letters,
Yet without I sway...

... F  A    L     L      I        N         G

I'm too weak to handle this pain...
I've been holding on as long as I can,
Dropping to my knees to pray
To the ONLY one strong enough to
Save
Me.

I run on this lake beach,
Crunching over old bones and
My memories.
What I wanted to do,
What I wanted to feel.
I see the flat rocks,
The ones I wanted to skip so badly,
I just didn't know how.
I never could.
I thought you could teach me then
Smile remembering you--
Then stop.
The words you said were too much.
I want to collapse next to
The pile of rocks
And cry.
But I continue onward
Hoping.
Wondering when I will meet the boy
Who can teach me the secret of
Defying gravity.

In a lovely state,
          Dreaming of what will happen next,
Dancing amid the daring fates,
          Flying in the sky.
Daring to be what once was,
          Forgetting what became,
Changing from the bitter of worries because
          Knowing that winter turns to spring
And summer to fall lets the world know
          That I can be clean again.

Just another day.

Weeks have gone by with me in this funk.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Don't know where I'm going wrong.
Waking up is worse than falling asleep.
Nightmares next to my patient husband.
Drained more than I started with.
Cannot remember what went on.
Days and days, just another day.

Just another.

Just...

To hate
Is to let part of your soul

*Die.

Does satan love the dark
Because he can hide from himself?

About how
Your lies hurt more deeply
Than
The truth they hide.

Lying in a cold hard existence
As lies of the carousel
Achieve a delusion more colorful
Than the usual gray and khaki.
Not wanting more of this desire to break,
I roll away from the harsh criteria.

Living life is more than duets,
Tangles of notes on sepia.
Remaining in a word: I'm the amateur
Never amounting to enough; Here my plea--
Treat me as if I'm no longer foolish.

Helpless, I am a ship
Bound for a supernova.
Real to the touch, but artificial--
The code is set, check my algorithm.
None desire to solve it more,
I'm hiding in the world through the backdoor.

Look down:

              Are there

                                             Reasons

"I"

                                               ­                                        Is next to

                    *"U?"

It breathes--
Quick-- Sharp,
Stealing the little breath I have.
Shaking,
Quivering in fear,
Eyes and soul cast down
And waiting. For Fate.
It turns me into what is in my core:
A demon,
Grinning because it knows where the power is
And waiting for the right time to
Strike. It bites and gnaws
Waiting.

And it knows no one could love a demon.
The thought--
My pulse quickens
As it controls again,
Leaping for joy
As my heart is shadowed in blackness.

There are so many long forgotten words.
Words of radiance,
Words of love,
Words of hope.
The wind whispers them softly,
Stirring up the fallen leaves
And the fallen petals.
Sometimes the wind screams,
Wanting these words to be heard to all,
But through all the howling and moaning,
The world barely rolls in its bed.
The words are forgotten,
Aside from wind.
Forgotten, these words hold no meaning.

The wind calls again,
Begging,
Singing out the soft melody of
Radiance,
Love,
Hope.
The call was answered only by silence.
Longingly,
The wind cries again,
Hitting each pitch with perfect clarity,
Singing, but the silence again prevails.
The world is deaf to the wind's voice telling of
Radiance,
Love,
Hope.

The wind breathes light to the
Darkness the world lives in.
The darkness the leaves and roses live in.
The dark swallows up what is left
Of the perfection of the
Words long forgotten.

It still hurts when I think of your name.

He said don't leave,
It was too early,
Nothing would remain.
He had a worried look on his face,
The first one she'd seen
And the first of many.
He said don't go.
Begged.
Pleaded.
But all she could do was turn and leave.
It was time for both of them,
And she was the only one who realized that.



*She cried every day after...

I can't stop thinking about you.
Can I be your treasure,
Your love,
Your perfection?
I'm never going to amount to enough,
But you make me feel like I do.
Finding safety in your arms--
A feeling I can't explain.
Trust completely,
Could this be love?

I want to see where this will go,
But not to go our separate ways.

I am not me.

The hard truth of my thoughts:
I could never be loved.
Wanted maybe,
But never for long.
Never in the way
People drink hot chocolate
While watching the stars.
I am too slow,
Yet gone from lives too quickly.
Sometimes I read names and
Imagine,
What if I met someone who could love me?
Will he be everything I dreamed?
Could he stay with me forever?
Then I catch myself falling:
Flowers may die,
And I will remain
Forever
Alone.

Chiseled by your smiles,
Falling in your laughs...

I read your face like an open book,
Every lie I can see right through.
Your eyes whisper secrets
Your lips nar will tell.

Leaving myself alone,
Maybe I will overcome my weakness,
Later our eyes will say,
Or revive the promise I though they said.

You don't know all that I know;
You notice not who I am.
Like you can see through my poetry?
Who am I actually?
I will keep my secrets from you
And take all yours with me.

But every day I *weaken...

Did you ever see me cry?
Hiding in my own corner--
It was a dismal place as dark as
Night and as pressing as the
Silent presence of death.
Did you ever watch me cry?
Every tear a diamond,
And upheaval of sobs,
Disquieting the stillness,
And disappearing into shadows.
Have you ever noticed
The drowning of my eyes,
Pools of pain and unpleasant misery,
Poaching my soul,
While undetected by others?

Images of the shadowed morning
Break the eastern sky.
Exhausted from the sleepless night
And conversations being shy.
An impending funeral with
New birthed melodies,
Then drop back into covers before the day is spent.
Not a word heard from those who said they'd call,
No message of encouragement waiting on my phone.
I am destined to travel
With shadows beneith my eyes
Because I spent another sleepless night
Crying in the darkness.

It's not because of you or him or anyone.
I knew I was never enough-- or beautiful.
*Just stop pretending I wasn't real.